My postpartum body and I have come to an understanding: if it will stop with the surprises (wavy hair, food sensitivities, bizarre periods), I will acknowledge that for me, body-wise, this is it.
I think I'm holding up my end of the deal pretty well. I accept that, as my son is almost two, this five pounds of "baby weight" that I'm only able to lose by fasting or suffering from the flu is just regular, old-school weight. I accept that my body has done absolutely everything it's capable of doing own its own to return to "normal," and that it's unfair of me to expect any significant change now without turning myself into something of a gym rat or writing large checks to a plastic surgeon. And while it's far from perfect, I actually kind of like my body (except, of course, when I hate it). My body, on the other hand, keeps playing tricks on me.
A few weeks ago, I thought I'd try to save myself the trouble of holding my stomach in during sex by starting a belly-punishing exercise routine. My belly was duly punished--crunches, planks, oh-so-evil bicycle crunches--but unfortunately, so was my pelvic floor. A few jumping jacks into the cardio portion of my workout, I peed myself. Not like, "Ooh, better wear a panty-liner next time," either. No, this was, "Wow, I need to take a shower and start a load of laundry." I'm Kegeling just writing about it.
I'm taking for granted that there's always going to be a magazine article or television commercial or early-morning jogger or insanely-gorgeous mom at Tot Swim (seriously, how does she look that good with a 6-month old?) to remind me that I should be working out more often. But if I'm going to remember to squeeze in my Kegels (heh), I'll need to jog my own memory with some clever mnemonics:
* Kegels and bagels -- Don't just sit there and eat, mama! A pelvic floor workout is now part of this complete breakfast! Squeeze and hold as you chew, or see how many clenches you can do while the coffee brews.
* Kegels and Eagles...or The Beatles (or the Rolling Stones or Fleetwood Mac or Pink Floyd or...) -- Kegels are one of the few exercises that can be done effectively while driving. So turn on the classic rock station, and squeeze and release for the duration of a song. Singing along will keep you from holding your breath while you squeeze.
* Kegels and labels -- You probably have at least one ingredient on your watch list, whether it's high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oil, wheat, dairy, or red 40 (or all of the above). Squeeze your pelvic floor while you grocery shop, and feel extra healthy when you bypass that box of trans-fatty, allergen-laden processed snack pellets.
* Kegels and kugel -- Putting together a veggie-packed casserole for dinner means lots of boring chopping, mixing, and standing around waiting for the oven to heat up. But use that time to tone your vadge, and dinner prep might start to look a little more exciting. See if you can hold a squeeze for the amount of time it takes you to grate a carrot (no fair using the food processor!).
* Kegels and Katherine Heigl -- If you're anything like my girlfriends, you're spending some quality relaxation time in front of "Grey's Anatomy" reruns. If you're anything like me, every preview for the next stoner-comedy movie makes you remember how annoyed you were with Knocked Up. (Sure, the movie had its funny moments, but where are the cool comedic roles for women? Where is the romantic comedy where the chubby stoner girl gets pregnant by the attractive, ambitious guy?) Either way, exercising your pelvic floor muscles while you watch won't get you any closer to looking like this, but it's still damn sexy.
* Kegels and Google -- I see you there, surfing the Internet. Just sitting there. Yes, you. Do your Kegels, already! They're health insurance for your vagina, and you're already covered.
After a week or so of torturing myself with dorky mnemonics remembering to do the pussy exercises I was supposed to be doing all along, I have to say I've noticed a difference. I still cross my legs tightly when I feel a sneeze coming on, but I definitely feel less, uh...out of shape down there. Which is to say that I can now do a set of ten squeezes without making the "I'm putting on mascara" face, or feeling like I'm trying to pat my head and rub my stomach at the same time.
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Do you Kegel? (You just did a couple, didn't you?) Do you have a pelvic floor-strengthening program that you swear by? Have you been a regular Kegeler since high school, or are you like me and just forget all about the whole thing until you pee yourself? Also, feel free to add your own Kegel-mnemonics, rhyming or otherwise! Some of us need all the reminders we can get.
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