I know this has come up about a zillion times before, but I had dinner on Sunday with friends and their not-quite-six-week-old baby and I'm now completely mentally unstable. All I can think about is having a baby. The inside of my head sounds something like this:Let's have a baby! (No.) Let's get pregnant again! (Not now.) Really, let's get pregnant as soon as possible. (No, thanks.) It's the perfect time! (Oh, it so isn't.) But...look at the tiny baby! (Stop it.) BABY! (Uh...) Babybabybabybabybaby!
It's making it impossible for me to concentrate on anything other than wanting another child. Never mind that I have a child already, and he's more than I think I can handle on most days! I keep trying to distract the voice in my head by reminding it how little wiggle room we have in terms of time and money, how my health is just barely back in order, how completely terrible-awful-no-good-very-bad Westley's birth and the days that followed were. The voice in my head doesn't care. It's more interested in whether my recent thrift-shop-found dresses will work as maternity tunics.
Yesterday, I found myself sitting down to read Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn. I barely cracked a pregnancy book when I was pregnant. Now, I can't stop looking at them. I went in to the herbal pharmacy searching for a strong, spicy tea to replace the coffee that has crept back into my morning routine, and ended up reading the backs of all the books in the "Pregnancy and Childbirth" section.
.....................................
Yesterday, I found myself sitting down to read Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn. I barely cracked a pregnancy book when I was pregnant. Now, I can't stop looking at them. I went in to the herbal pharmacy searching for a strong, spicy tea to replace the coffee that has crept back into my morning routine, and ended up reading the backs of all the books in the "Pregnancy and Childbirth" section.Recently, I've been thinking about Westley's birth every single day. I don't set out to do it. But something completely mundane happens--I pass a pregnant woman in the grocery store, for instance--and the memory just bubbles to the surface and I'm back there (freaked out, overwhelmed, in excruciating pain), and oh, God, I want to do it again!
This is how I know I'm completely insane: I remember being pregnant and miserable; I remember being in labor and miserable; I remember having a newborn and being miserable. Misery is what really stands out for me about all that baby-having stuff, but for some reason, that doesn't quell my desire for another baby. Not at all.
Clearly, I need serious help. So, um...help? Please? What do I say to the baby-crazed voice in my head that has no problem with the idea of more stretch marks, twice the diapers, less sleep, and a dramatically smaller savings account? Because I'm out of ideas. In fact, all I can think about is this:
Baby Kaylee: Super-Sweet...and Crazy-Making
All I can say is it's a good thing that my IUD doesn't require any help from me to do its job effectively. Otherwise, it would be a little too easy to, um, "forget" my birth control:
It'll be fine. (I dunno.) Just this once. (Oh, all right...)
