Nothing Says 'Bad Mom' Like Bringing Your Baby to a Bar

Promise not to call CPS after reading this post ok?

Going a month without feeling like I'm an unfit mother was pretty good. I hadn't left her anywhere, always had an adequate amount of diapers (and still do thanks to a fabulous diaper cake from my husband's grandma and aunts), and I seemed to be doing a pretty darn good job, considering. Where I crossed the line into questionable mothering skills was during BlogHer.

I hadn't planned on partying it up. I'm much more of a homebody typically, and my idea of a good time is playing games or chit chatting with friends. So the lists and lists of parties to hit up wasn't on my BlogHer to-do list. With or without my baby. But I did get a special invite to a very exclusive party that was for hand-picked bloggers this company wanted to get to know.
We weren't suppose to tweet about it, or announce it on our blogs. It was totally on the D-L. So the night of the party I was torn between going to this secretive party to hear some alleged big announcement for us bloggers or go to a nice free dinner with my mom friends with their babies.

I wrote to one of the party organizers and told her I had my month-old baby with me and asked if it would be appropriate if I bring her. I tried to insist that I would be offended, but that I really wanted to know if I should go or not. She wrote me back and said it was fine to bring her, but to know there's loud music playing so it was up to me. It wasn't the clear answer I was looking for but after running into another friend who wanted to go, and since I had an invite I could use to put a friend on the list, I decided to go with the unknown.
Fast forward.

We're at a bar, and Lil' J is hungry. I breastfed in First Class but I think I draw the line at a bar. Not that I'm ever normally at bars so it won't come up again but it was a strange situation. I went to the restroom to feed her and she went to sleep.

I went back out, scarfed down sushi, and all the other hors d'oeuvres they had around, and drank two Shirley temples. Stuffing my face is my way of coping with uncomfortable situations.

I talked with some of the people hosting the party and commented on how secretive it was, hinting at the fact that if there was a point to this get together, I was hoping they'd make it soon.

"Well yea, you know... The less you tell people, the more people you get to show up," he told me.

Oh, so that was the ploy the whole time? Well, I fell for it. It was totally my fault, and I felt like a horrible mom for bringing my baby to a bar. The name of the place was "Mercer Bar" so I had no real good excuse. I was hoping I'd hear about a new opportunity but really, it's something they could, and probably will write me about later. There was no real need for me to be there.

When this realization hit me I had a hard time keeping it together. It was like the dam holding all of my baby blues in blew, and I had to get out before I became a blogging topic.
Jill from Baby Rabies was sooooo sweet and helped me hail a cab (in New York... Ok, I'll admit that was kind of fun) and get us situated and back to the hotel. I cried--no--bawled the whole way (I'm laughing about this now) and I'm sure the cab driver thought I was CRAZY!

I didn't do the best job hiding my emotions before I left either. I guess some people noticed my leaving early because later someone said people were asking if I was uncomfortable at the bar because I'm Mormon. More than being embarrassed someone noticed--I was flattered someone knew who I was, and the fact that I'm LDS.

Looking back it wouldn't have been as bad had I not had someplace else I could have been where I knew I would have felt more comfortable, but I was kicking myself the whole time wondering "why am I here and not there?" If I had known what the get together was going to be like I wouldn't have gone. But you live and you learn. No more choosing the unknown for me.--At least not when my daughter is with me.

It wasn't a wasted party because one of my new friends--Gina, from Femenist Breeder--took a pregnancy test while we were there and found out she's pregnant! After 8 months of trying! We were all so excited for her. It made me remember how excited I was when I found out I was pregnant. I'm not sure that feeling would never get old.

Unfortunately, that night at the bar will go down in my journal as my first "bad mom" moment. I know it won't be my last though (though I promise there will be no more bars).

The night was salvaged once I got back. I met up with Maggie, who got ice cream and yummy chicken and rice with me from a landmark NYC stand.I also met Shari Criso, who got me all pumped up about breastfeeding. Emily introduced Becca and I to her, and we all had a great conversation. Ironically we were sitting in a hotel bar, and I did end up breastfeeding Lil' J there. So I guess I'll draw the line for nursing in public at strip clubs.
Tomorrow I'll post the last bit of my BlogHer recap tied into my personal advice for people who want to go, and how to get there! A big thanks to Piggies and Paws for sending me this year!!

Can Stress Serve as Birth Control?

As I noted earlier, one of our cars was broken into earlier this week. We know it could happen anywhere but we've been wondering a little bit about out area for awhile now. We live in a nice neighborhood but in a "bad area." Not bad like drive bys and what not... Just not the best area when it comes to crime and drugs apparently. <---Stressful fact #1

But like I said, our little neighborhood of townhomes is nice, and we got a good deal, so we're debating a little. Our lease is up in November, so we don't have a long time to decide. In fact, I think we have a few weeks. <--- Stressful fact #2.

If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen my constant whining about my dead computer. Yes, my beautiful and wonderful Macbook Pro has sortof died. "Why didn't you buy the extended warranty?" Well I did. And it expired three months ago... Figures. <---Stressful fact #3

So I haven't had time to blog. Yes, I know it's only been a day, but I was trying to do a double post thing while the fundraiser is going on. <---Stressful fact #4

I'm also not able to tweet as often, make anything with Photoshop, and I have to re-organize/ start over with the cutest baby/kid/pet contest! <---Stressful facts #5, 6 and 7.

If you've emailed me and I haven't responded don't be alarmed. I haven't had much Internet time. The thoughts of my repair bill, and the fact that I didn't back all of my pictures, documents and programs up doesn't help my stress level either, and I'm constantly in a bad mood. I'm trying to relax but it's really difficult when I think about everything at once. I hate that I have to wait until Monday to do anything. I had my husband go to the genius bar at the Apple store and they did the diagnostic, and it's kind of a big problem.

I have to get my hard drive backed up before they repair it cause everything will most likely be wiped off. But I can't see anything on the screen so I can't back it up myself... My IT friend tried to hook it up to another monitor but that didn't work either.

So Monday I'm waking up at the butt crack of dawn to get my computer fixed! Apple will have to take it away and mail it back to me so it could be *gasp* a week or so until I have it back!!! *sad face*

Maybe it's a sign. Maybe I rely, and spend a little too much time on my laptop. My husband is pleased to see me more (when I'm not yelling at him to get off his computer, because he's not allowed to play on his computer when I can't play on mine.), And I see now it's Fall. Maybe its' a nice break from it all. And if anything, it's a lesson learned. I'll back up my hard drive more often, and even look into a program called Time Machine.

I'm going to do my best to publish the photo contest tonight... But don't hate me if it's more like tomorrow or Monday.

I'm also thinking of scheduling a massage for Monday. I haven't had a real day off in about a month (when I'm not working I usually babysit in the evenings on my days off), so Monday I want to take a FULL day off and detox! Seriously... I feel like I'm one broken nail away from a nervous breakdown.

Speaking of stress. As my hubs and I were looking over the coming expenses I got a little sad thinking how I had hoped we'd be spending savings money on things for a little one... Not stuff that breaks. But hey... Crap happens right? My mind began to wander and my husband said what I had been thinking inside "Maybe we should wait."

I don't think that's the final decision, but it's something I'm thinking about. What if this drama is a sign? ... Or maybe it's a test. Either way, I'm wondering if my stress this month can serve as my birth control. I know it's not good for fertility, and knowing that I'm writing this month off as a lost cause already.

I use to think that "not preventing but not trying" thing sounded ridiculous, but I think I'm beginning to understand what they mean. I can honestly say if I get a BFN next month, I doubt I'll be very disappointed. But... At least the clock is still running, so if one day I need to get help from a doctor I can saw I've been at it awhile.

On a scale from 1-10 on how badly I was trying for a baby I think I went from an 11 to a 5.

Thank heavens though, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Look at what we're doing for March of Dimes! We reached our half-way goal in one week! There's still three more weeks, and more time to donate, and win prizes! I have a feeling we'll make our goal. Thanks so much to all of you who have blogged about this cause and been helping me spread the word. And a BIG thank you to those who have donated! 100% of the donations are going to March of Dimes, and 100% of the prizes are going to donors! Yep! This is all for you! :)

I'm still getting more interested sponsors too, so be on the lookout for my coming features!

I'm hoping starting Sunday or Monday to get a couple of sponsor features up a day. Luckily we have another computer (it just isn't as pretty or as easy for me to use as my Mac). If I stay up late a few nights I think I'll be able to write a bunch and schedule them to post so I can relax more during the week!

Sorry that 90% of this post was me whining. I think sometimes I've just gotta let it out!!

The New Feelings

I've been feeling sick the past few days. I took the day off today, because though I could get out of bed I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I could hardly move. I got back in bed and woke up again a few hours later. I thought I'd feel rejuvenated enough to accomplish something--Anything, but I couldn't. I called the doctor to ask about some things... I'm not dying, that's a good thing--I think. My body is readjusting to it's "normal" state... Or something like that. But in the process I feel like crap. I'm not hungry and all I want to do is lay around. It was exhausting just surfing the web for a few moments.

Anyway, as of today I have absolutely no desire to have a child anymore. Well, not any time soon at least. I know my husband could use my help with finishing school, I could save more, and quite frankly I don't feel like I need anymore stress in my life right now. In my head I had a picture perfect scenario mapped out, and I can see now it's not going to work out that way. So for now, I'm dropping it.

I am in a bad mood, so that could be influencing my thinking... But at this very moment if my husband came to me and said we should have a baby, I would have to say "No."

I'm planning on not planning for awhile... Maybe not until next year.

...And down the roller coaster goes again.

PS: I contemplated turning the comments off of this post, and my last because they're so personal, and hard to express. But every time I leave them on at least a few comments touch my heart and bring me EXACTLY what I need to hear at that time. So I'll continue to leave them on--But on today's post I'll add a special request for non-negativity/kindness because I'm very on-edge.