Loss for Words

I think every woman who's had a miscarriage must hate the word. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive (you'll forgive me for that, right?), but miscarriage sounds judgmental. It's that prefix. Mis- means "wrongly" or "incorrectly." Which just makes me think I did something wrong, because I was the one carrying. If only I'd held onto that baby correctly!

For similar reasons, I cannot bring myself to say, "I lost the baby." Really? You lost the baby? How shitty of a mother do you have to be to lose a baby - especially one still inside your own body?

Which leaves us with, "The baby died." Ouch. I still believe that this was the best thing to tell Westley. But the phrase just plain hurts to say. Or think. (I soften the blow inside my head by telling myself that the baby just changed her mind about being born.) Besides, it throws off my accuracy meter. The ultrasound showed an empty gestational sac - a blighted ovum, more judgmental-sounding language.

(If I hadn't been consumed by feeling so, well, empty, I would've asked for a picture from the ultrasound. I wish I had one now.)

No fetal pole equals no baby. Was I ever even really pregnant? Does any of this language even really apply to me?

* * *

So many women have shared their stories with me. Some in great detail, some with a simple, "That happened to me, too." The nurse who filled in while the nurse assigned to my ER room went to lunch mentioned that she miscarried her first baby at 16 weeks - and while she was recovering, a visiting friend brought over a huge stack of baby clothes.

Suddenly it seems like if you have female parts and it's not you, it's the woman right next to you. "It's very, very common," my midwife said at our follow-up appointment yesterday. "But no one talks about it."

Miscarriage falls firmly in that "don't want to talk about it" space. Or, if you're a chronic oversharer like I am willing to talk about it, it seems too harsh to bring up:

"Hey, how're you doing?"

"Oh, not so good. I had a miscarriage on Sunday."

Whoa. Maybe not. But how are we supposed to not not talk about it, then? I wish I knew.

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Post-Kid Kitchen: Spectacular Cookies of Awesomeness

The one thing that made this weekend not suck entirely was baking cookies with my guys. It started like this: Westley wanted to ride in Rob's car, but the car seat was in my car and Rob didn't feel like moving it. I told Rob that if he moved the car seat, I'd make cookies for him. Oatmeal-raisin cookies. His favorite cookie.

(Does "oatmeal-raisin" get a hyphen? I think it does. Unless you're making raisin cookies with oatmeal. Those would be "oatmeal raisin" cookies.)

When you have lots of restrictions to deal with, it's always a special treat to have a recipe that meets your needs right from the get-go, no modifications necessary. And this recipe from Gluten-Free Goddess fit the bill perfectly. Unfortunately, I was missing a few of the ingredients (which I realized after I'd preheated the oven and started mixing things). Here's what I used:

Spectacular Oatmeal-Raisin Cookies

Wet ingredients:
2/3 cup Spectrum Organic Shortening
1 1/2 cups demerara sugar

1 Tbsp molasses
1 small Fuji apple, peeled, chopped, microwaved with a little water until soft and mushy, and blended (This involves more work than just using applesauce, but it works just as well.)
2 tsp bourbon vanilla extract
2 Tbsp agave

Dry ingredients:
1/2 cup sorghum flour
3/4 cup gluten-free oat flour
1/2 cup tapioca starch
1 tsp xanthan gum
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp allspice
1/2 tsp fine sea salt
2 cups gluten-free rolled oats
1/2 cup raisins

Zip over to Gluten-Free Goddess for mixing and baking instructions. Rob and I used a cookie scoop and ended up with 36 cookies. Ours needed to bake for 14 minutes, and while they do come out of the oven very soft, they're perfectly crispy-chewy by the time they cool. If you can wait that long.

If you don't have a cookie scoop, get one. We use ours every day to dish out peanut butter, measure a tablespoon of margarine or tahini, and serve Westley-sized portions of dinner entrees. Plus, perfectly round, (almost) perfectly uniform cookies! Every time!

Also, always get your partner to help with the cookies you promised to make for him.

I find gluten-free baked goods to be kind of hit or miss. But these beauties? Taste like cookies, baby. Make them for everybody you know.

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Timing

Do I wish I had waited longer to have my daughter?

What would it be like had I not had my her when I did? Would I be in grad school? Working another job? Creating a better nest egg for my future children? Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm worthy enough to be her mom. Like it was selfish of me to leap so soon.

On the other hand, I don't even hear the pitter patter of my first child's feet along our floors, and sometimes I find myself already longing for more.

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Moments after my daughter was placed into my arms my mother asked me if I was ready to do it all over again. Would you believe that I said yes? Maybe I wasn't physically ready, but I've wanted more since I realized how awesome just one was. Instantly my life was filled with purpose. It was like I was seeing the world with a whole new set of eyes. Everything was different, enhanced, and better.

The downside of this joy is timing. When you plan to have a child, you don't know when you'll be blessed with one. Right away? Years away? Months away? I had a feeling it would take a very long time but I was wrong. And now I feel like I've started a domino effect. Having one child starts a sequence of events if you want your children close together.

When are you having another?

When is it normal to ask that question? I know my sincere response "whenever" is anything but normal for most people with infants, but I don't know how to answer.

I didn't wait until everything was perfect and in line with the first but shouldn't I at least do that with the second?

It's as though my blog has come full circle with debating the when and how to operating the baby making machine switch. But I plan to do something different this time around.--Not plan.

I enjoyed our pre-parent time as much as I could but so much of the last bit of it was spent asking myself over and over and over when we'd begin the next part of our journey. I was looking towards the future and the present was passing me by. I won't do that to my daughter.

My maternity leave was the only time in my life I'd have with one child. One newborn to glue my butt on the couch with and pig out while watching TLC. That experience passed by in the blink of an eye and now I miss it.

I won't look back on these days and regret wondering about a number two. I'm going to spoil my daughter with light and love like no other. Because this is her time to shine, to have my full love and attention. Her time to be my one and only.

Before I know it today will be last year, and so I'm focusing on the present.

New look

Like my new digs? The new and improved Design Girl, aka Danielle Moss Graphic Design & Photography freshened it up for me. Figures the one time I dress my daughter in a plain onesie ends up being the one I love and using as my header. Something about her sweet innocence and genuine smile gets me though.

If you're looking to freshen up your blog you can get $10 off your deposit for a new design from her. Just tell her I sent you! Everyone who comments on this post before next Saturday the 2nd will be entered to win a free pre-made design of your choice. Leave a second comment with which pre-made you'd choose, or if you are/become a follower of her blog for an extra entry. You can also check out her cute personal blog while you're at it! Good luck!

Teething Bling - new winner!

So, our 1st giveaway winner did not claim her Teething Bling prize after 48 hours, so I had to choose a new winner! The new winner of the Teething Bling pendant of her choice is...#70...Trisha!

Trisha has 48 hours to claim her prize or I will again choose another winner! Hopefully I won't have to do that! Thanks again everyone for entering!

365 Love Letters Week 11

I love her more and more every day and can't wait to share these with her. I already am in a way, but someday I hope she can look back and appreciate these words of wisdom and photos I've captured for her.

I appear in two photos this week and realized a little late that we're posing almost the exact same way. Self-portraits suck the creative juice out of me. I'll try harder next time.

I love my daughter's eyes and captured the best photo of one of my favorite expressions of hers. Wide-eyed. She reminds me so much of her dad with that look. Everyone always comments on her "big eyes" which is the first thing I noticed about her dad when I met him.

I'm starting to get myself into trouble not editing them all the night they were taken, a couple of these I may have jumbled up the order, but they're all this weeks photos. My favorite is probably Day 77 (or 74).

Thanks for letting me share these with you. And thanks for your suggestions of advice for her! I've put them on my list and I'll for sure be using them. Keep 'em coming!