Not paying for your kid's college doesn't equal debt

This post brought to you by Ashworth College. All opinions are 100% mine.

My friends at school were talking about their college funds. When they asked me how much I had in my savings account. Money wasn’t such a personal thing back then. Or at least we didn’t know it was. So when I got home I asked my parents how much was in my college savings account.

My mom chuckled. I was confused.

“Well?” I pushed.

“Nothing,” she told me.

“NOTHING?” I was shocked. My parents who had been drilling education and the need to go to college in me since I could talk had nothing saved for me? “How am I going to go to college then?” My eye began to water as I felt my dreams washing away.

“You’ll take out loans,” she told me so matter-of-factly.

Loans?

I let that word simmer in my mind for a while.

Years later I was in line waiting to go on stages for the Miss Teen Georgia Pageant (betcha didn’t know I was a pageant girl). I listened as they announced the reigning queen, and shared her achievements. That’s when I heard something that changed my life. The man over the microphone said she had applied and won enough scholarships to pay for her entire college degree, and books.

By this time I new scholarships existed, but I didn’t realized the extent that they helped. I worked hard to get good grades so I could go to college, and I had a fantastic GPA, but not the 4.0 I thought many academic scholarships wanted. I also didn’t realize how many independent scholarships were available.

You may remember my he says/she says from a few weeks ago discussing paying for our children’s college education. He says we should help our kids out and I say they can do it themselves.

Not paying for college doesn’t mean you expect your kids to take out tons and tons of loans and be in debt the rest of their lives. There are so many options. The GI bill, there are schools like Ashworth College , which are less expensive (by 50%) than other accredited online schools, grants and scholarships. It is possible to graduate without debt.

After hearing that announcement in that pageant I was determined to do that same. My senior year of high school I applied for scholarship after scholarship. A $500 scholarship here, a $1000 scholarship there. The good things was after writing a few scholarship essays I was able to recycle most of them for other awards I’d apply for.

Sadly, I didn’t win any. So I had to take out loans to pay for my books and living expenses that my grants didn’t pay for.

That next year I got married, and we were poor enough to get grants to pay for our school, and my husband’s athletic scholarship paid for our housing. We also worked part time, and full time in the summer to make ends meet.

I wrote for my college newspaper, and met others who had applied for and won journalism scholarships. By then I had started to realize the more specific the scholarship, the better.

We transferred schools where was husband wasn’t able to play collegiate sports. I created a resume and cover letter like I would for a job, and started applying for awards specific to my studies. I also visited my Universities’ multicultural office to inquire about other scholarships I could apply for. Based on my financial need and grades, I was able to obtain a full scholarship as long as I kept a 3.0 GPA, did service, and other requirements to stay in good standing.

I wasn’t satisfied yet. I was still working a couple of jobs to pay for our living expenses, and if I traveled for internships (which I planned to) I’d need money for that. I asked my professors and counselors if they knew of journalism scholarships I could apply for, and I worked with an adviser to perfect an application for an award I didn’t even know the amount of.

A month or so later the Dean of my college called me in to sit down and discuss the scholarship I had won--for $20,000. My mouth dropped. I was shaking when I called to tell my husband I had won an award that would more than pay for both of our college education.

That spring I went to a journalism convention as a volunteer and met scholarship winners who also were at the event for free. I picked up an application and tried to decide which to apply for. They ranged from $2,000 to $10,000 and I decided to go big or go home. Imagine my shock when I won again.

By then I had lost my need-based scholarship, but obviously I didn’t need it anymore. My last year I applied and won one more scholarship from a local television station, which helped pay for my internships and pay off the original loans we accrued.

I still worked through college to gain work experience (which also helped me to get the scholarships). I worked hard, and it paid off. I didn’t depend on my parents to pay for my schooling, and I didn’t need to take out loans and rack up mounds of debt.

I’m a strong believer in scholarships. So many companies and organizations offer scholarships to students. So many go unclaimed, and so many people don’t know how to find them. You don't have to skip out on saving for retirement to pay for your children's schooling. And they don't have to take out a mortgage to pay for loans. It doesn't matter what race you are, if you don't have a perfect GPA, or if you don't come from an affluent background. There are scholarships out there for everyone. I'd encourage those who are worried about saving for their student's schooling to work with their kids to find these, and improve their resume so they can win some of these awards that are out there.

That's what I plan to do with my daughter. And if we happen to save some money to help, well she's not going to know about it. Because I want her to work her butt off to earn the scholarship in my name. And if things go as I hope and she doesn't need it? Well, it would be a nice graduation present.

Plus, traditional Universities aren't for everyone. Ashworth College is 100% online, affordable, accredited and a great choice for obtaining a quality education They're now enrolling students using their Post 9/11 GI Bill education benefits. Military personnel and their families can now receive up to $13,500 for 36 months of education benefits. With Ashworth College offering tuition that is 50% less than the average accredited online school, benefits can go even further and leave extra for a spouse or dependent!

Timing

Do I wish I had waited longer to have my daughter?

What would it be like had I not had my her when I did? Would I be in grad school? Working another job? Creating a better nest egg for my future children? Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm worthy enough to be her mom. Like it was selfish of me to leap so soon.

On the other hand, I don't even hear the pitter patter of my first child's feet along our floors, and sometimes I find myself already longing for more.

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Moments after my daughter was placed into my arms my mother asked me if I was ready to do it all over again. Would you believe that I said yes? Maybe I wasn't physically ready, but I've wanted more since I realized how awesome just one was. Instantly my life was filled with purpose. It was like I was seeing the world with a whole new set of eyes. Everything was different, enhanced, and better.

The downside of this joy is timing. When you plan to have a child, you don't know when you'll be blessed with one. Right away? Years away? Months away? I had a feeling it would take a very long time but I was wrong. And now I feel like I've started a domino effect. Having one child starts a sequence of events if you want your children close together.

When are you having another?

When is it normal to ask that question? I know my sincere response "whenever" is anything but normal for most people with infants, but I don't know how to answer.

I didn't wait until everything was perfect and in line with the first but shouldn't I at least do that with the second?

It's as though my blog has come full circle with debating the when and how to operating the baby making machine switch. But I plan to do something different this time around.--Not plan.

I enjoyed our pre-parent time as much as I could but so much of the last bit of it was spent asking myself over and over and over when we'd begin the next part of our journey. I was looking towards the future and the present was passing me by. I won't do that to my daughter.

My maternity leave was the only time in my life I'd have with one child. One newborn to glue my butt on the couch with and pig out while watching TLC. That experience passed by in the blink of an eye and now I miss it.

I won't look back on these days and regret wondering about a number two. I'm going to spoil my daughter with light and love like no other. Because this is her time to shine, to have my full love and attention. Her time to be my one and only.

Before I know it today will be last year, and so I'm focusing on the present.

Ideal Spacing of Children: He Says, She Says

He says: “It would be great if we waited until she was in school.”

She says: “Are you crazy? HAIL no! Two years max so they can be best friends!”

What say you?

A Year, 10 Months and 2 Weeks Ago...

I wrote this:

'My brothers and sisters, there is no tomorrow to remember if we don’t do something today.' That's what President Monson (Leader of the LDS church) said during General Conference in October.

There are lots of things I've told myself I'll do later... Study, clean the house, do the laundry for once. More specifically, there are things I've said I'll do once we have kids or before I get pregnant...Learn how to cook, exercise, eat better.

A blog may have not been what he had in mind, but an idea for a blog came to my mind after hearing that talk. I'm going to use that statement as a guide, and I'm going to document a specific journey here.

If you couldn't tell, this blog is about baby making... Sort of. Ok, not really. I'm not sure when I'm going to start having children (spawn, I like to call them sometimes). The date I have in mind fluctuates.

If you know me, you know I'm a planner. I like to plan trips, special occasions, career moves, everything. I like to set goals and deadlines. I wouldn't call myself a control freak, especially not when it comes to little day to day things. But when it comes to planning my life, I can be (but hey, is it really a bad thing?).

In the talk I quoted earlier President Monson quotes a line from The Music Man saying “You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you’ve collected a lot of empty yesterdays.”

Well folks, I don't want empty yesterdays. I dedicate this blog to my questions, my explorations, my journey through pregnancy preparations. I'm deeply intrigued by pregnancy, labor, infants, and children. When I have a close friend experiencing these things I'll often ask them a million questions about their experiences. It may be a while before I document any of my personal pregnancy experiences so for now I'll write about my planning, my practicing, my thoughts, and ask you for tips along the way.

So join in, please, feel free to add your own opinions or advice. I'm open to discussions, or any other idea you may have. Most of all, I hope you enjoy reading about my journey!

And now, I have this:

Oh how so much has changed!

I re-posted this as a part of The Sits Girls "Back to Blogging" event.

That was fun!

Where to Draw the Line?

"One thing that made me want to put off having children for the first few years of our marriage was the fear of raising a family in the crazy world we live in.

Being a journalist I’m very aware, and sometimes jaded by all of the sadness in the world. I haven’t grown to be fearful, rather just disappointed in people and their actions.

I’ve always been a sensitive person. I remember arriving home from kindergarten class, crying after a classmate called me ugly because of my dark skin.

My mother was just being introduced into this world of childhood bullying (well, from the “mom” perspective that is) since I am her oldest. She quickly learned though, after putting on her mama bird suit and visiting with my teacher asking what in the world was going on.

I see myself having the same reaction my mother did initially for just about any negative response towards my little girl. I feel like I want to shield her from the crazy, rude, and harsh world we live in. I know that’s not necessarily the right thing to do because one day she’ll have to grow up and wake up, but I wonder if there’s some happy medium..."

I've never really grown out of my sensitivity issues. Ask my husband, he'd tell you how quickly a snide remark can open up the flood gates.

I've never understood, and never will understand how people can be intentionally mean to people. A sarcastic comment on my part will quickly send me back peddling if I feel the slightest bit of harm toward my intended jokemate. I think that's why I'm not very funny.

Online, comments, remarks, thoughts and feelings are taken to a whole 'nother level. People can say what they want, unfiltered, and have the shield of a computer screen to hide behind.

I turned off anonymous comments from my blog after countless comments from people who would disagree with me on a topic, and say the meanest things, while too afraid to put their name to it. I can honestly say I have never and will never leave a rude anonymous comment on someone's blog. If they're writing about something I don't agree with I'll A. Either stop reading or B. Leave a comment with my disagreements but also leave a way they can contact me or respond in case they'd like to discuss further. I have no problem standing behind what I say, and I'd wouldn't say anything hurtful.

Bringing a baby into the world isn't an easy feat. Bringing a baby into the world and sharing my journal of the experience with the world is even more insane, but that's been my choice and I've been ok with that so far. But now that I'm weeks away from having her--with an audience that's multiplied so much more than I ever imagined it would--I'm faced with lots of questions about where to draw the line.

If my husband had his way, her birthday would be the last day of my blog, as my "journey toward motherhood" would be complete. Pictures wouldn't be displayed, names wouldn't be shared. He's obviously a much more private person than I am.

Being the open and excited person that I am, I feel like I'd want to share my joy, my baby girl, just as I have shared so much already, but at the same time I worry I'd be setting a target out to be hit. I wouldn't be able to contain my anger if someone said something hurtful about my daughter, or the way I choose to birth or raise her.

Initially I thought I'd share her first name after her birth, in a photo that would be removed a day or two later, but now I'm not so sure. I thought I'd flood my blog with photos, but now I'm, second-guessing.

I can't shield my little girl from the crappy parts of the world, but I can do my part in other places, starting online.

Where do you or will you draw the line online with your children? Do you use real names? Share photos? I'd love some other parenting opinions on this topic.

The first part of this post was originally written for my Project Pregnancy Blog. You can read the rest of my fears about my daughter facing racism and other issues on today's post over there.

Torn Between Career and Child... Already

There's something about feeling secure in your job and responsibilities that makes you feel confidant, and good about yourself. Knowing I'm going to be stepping away from that for 12 weeks sometimes scares the living daylights out of me. I've been working a lot, and posting a little less, this should explain some.

I shared that today on my Project Pregnancy blog on Parenting.com:

It was after midnight. My last coworker left the building over an hour before, I was alone and tired. Exhausted from finishing my regular shift, and on to other tasks... Tasks that go beyond my normal daily duties. Tasks I hope will secure my job when I return from maternity leave.

I'm not worried about having A job. I have a contract, and there are these things called "laws" which protect women who have children from loosing their jobs for that reason alone, but those laws don't necessarily guarantee you the same duties and responsibilities.

My late nights aren't a rarity right now. It's the only thing I know to do to better my odds at keeping the same assignments I adore.

I've been in my career for about six years. I loved my job as a journalist and have been enriched by the people I've encountered in the process of sharing their stories over the years. It wasn't until recently that I fell into what feels like a perfect combination of roles. No day feels monotonous because nearly every day I'm wearing a different hat and working on an important project. Whether it be covering an important education meeting, helping a foster child to get adopted, or delivering the news, I'm responsible for specific areas of interest and I LOVE it. I can honestly say I love my job. But the more you love something, the harder it is to loose.

Before a woman goes on maternity leave you hear whispering and questions: "How long is she going to be gone?" "Do you think she'll come back?" It seems as though it's no secret some women can't bear the thought of returning to work after setting eyes on this new beautiful being they've created. I've seen it, and I've heard about it countless times. "I just knew I couldn't leave her," women have told me, recounting their experiences before they decided to trade in their brief case for diaper bags.

I've always known my situation would be different. I'm not in the position, not now, to retire early from my career to raise my child from home. And I'm ok with that. Luckily my husband and I won't need to use daycare facilities and we have our childcare situation figured out already... Him. But stay at home dads is a whole nother topic which I'll delve into later.

In the weeks leading up to my temporary departure from work I find myself in a constant panic. What is she comes early and I'm not ready? Oh I'm ready when it comes to things at home. The crib is up, diapers are on standby. We have the necessities we need and the excitement, confidence, courage and faith to raise a new baby. The fear lies with securing the job I love.

There's a special segment I produce weekly, and I'll continue to work on until I leave. When the question arose if I'd still be doing it when I got back I didn't know how to answer. Of course I want to, it's quite possibly the best part of my job. I know I'm doing a good job, but would they remember the good job I've done after 12 weeks of my absence? I couldn't take a chance.

So I've been putting in overtime to produce 12 extra segments before my momentary migration. Twelve segments to fill the 12 weeks I'm gone.

I thought that would be where my work-obsessed antics ceased but unfortunately it's not.

Months ago I proposed an in-depth report on a topic I've been very passionate about. I was recently informed I could pursue it myself... Pending maternity leave. Those three words crushed me. It was like a giant asterisk beside my name screaming "MAYBE." Yea, well, maybe isn't good enough. I want to do it, I can't pass it on to someone else.

I counted backwards from the day they want it to air to my due date then forward 12 weeks. It's cutting it close. And now I'm finding myself considering something I never saw my self deliberating... Cutting my FMLA time short. All so I can have my cake and eat it too... Or so I think.

Would 10 weeks instead of 12 really make a big difference? It doesn't seem like it now but I have a feeling I'll think quite differently in about a month. Is this already happening to me? Already I'm being faced with difficult work-family decisions yanking me between career accomplishments and family. The answer may seem much more simple than it is. I know this now, but I also know I've only gotten a taste for what's to come. Soon, I'll be feasting in this unobtainable balance.

So will the dangling carrot get me back to work sooner than I had hoped? I don't know. Luckily that's not a decision I have to make today. I'm going to wait until I've met my daughter and get to know her a little better.

Until then, I'll be working on racing the clock to secure other elements of my job I want to keep, even if that means working past midnight a couple days a week.

This post was originally written for my Parenting.com blog, you can read more of my stories and motherhood debates here.

Did You Pre-Wash Your Baby Clothes?

I've been debating this for a little while so I decided to write about it for my Parenting.com Project Pregnancy Blog and apparently it's a hot topic!

Here's an excerpt:

"Go ahead; call me a crazy lady, gross, or a bad mom. Everyone differs in opinions on every little parenting choice and I know pre-washing is just one of many things I’ll encounter.

It’s not that I’m all out against the process, or that I think people who do it are strange; I just never really thought anything of it. But I want you to understand my point of view... This is coming from a girl who wasn’t even pre-rinsing her fruit until a few years ago.

I was at my mother-in-law’s house and I had pulled a bag of grapes from the fridge and started munching. "Did you rinse those off honey?" She asked me. No... I thought.

I mean, I knew I was SUPPOSED to rinse them off but I just never thought much of it. I never got sick before, and they taste the same.
I mean really, am I suppose to run this bag of grapes under the running faucet for a few seconds and all of the oh so dangerous chemicals and pesticides would magically seep right out through every grape, drip down out of the bag, and disappear down the drain. I guess I just don’t get all of the hype.

I’ve never really considered washing my new clothes before I wear them. Do people do that? Ok, some do, I’ve heard. Other people can try on the clothes before me, or return them and who knows, there could be something like stranger sweat on it. My goodness. Or worse... The chemicals used to preserve the clothes and keep them looking nice on the rack.

I’m not trying to mock the situation here, I do understand for some people it’s comforting knowing your clothes are REALLY clean before wearing them, but I guess I kinda like the "brand new" look and smell of clothes before they lose their new clothes virginity in my washing machine.

When it comes to baby clothes, I guess the issue is some babies have allergic reactions or skin irritation from wearing new clothes. My theory is I won’t know until I try. If I put one of her adorable, still-creased Gerber onesies on her and she breaks out in a rash, ok, sure, I’ll wash the rest of them before the first wear. But if she does just fine, is it so bad for her to wear something brand new ONCE?"

That's not all... I go on, so you can read the rest of my pre-washing debate here. A penny for your thoughts!?

Oh, and a side note that I didn't write in the post but I notice in a lot of people tell me: They pre-wash the FIRST baby's clothes but then don't with the rest. What's up with that? ... And we wonder why kids suffer from "middle child syndrome."

Another someone mentioned a friend pre-washing EVERYTHING then her baby was a different sex than expected *dies*.

The Dream That Changed My "Birth Plan"

The other night I had a dream that I think will change the way I think about birth forever.

My husband and I were at home, doing our best to work through my contractions as long as possible before heading to the hospital. My water hadn't broke and we were walking around the house, I was bouncing on our exercise ball (using it as a birthing ball) in and out of a warm shower, and my husband was helping me the whole way through. Finally we decided to go to the hospital to see how far along I was since the contractions were strong and close together. I was hoping my pain tolerance was stronger than most and that we'd get there learning I was close to fully dilated.

When we arrived at the hospital they sat me down and checked me. I was dilated to 6cm. Not bad. I was just worried they'd tell me I was something like a 3 and that they couldn't check me in yet. I remember hearing that situation with a few of my friends and wondered if my pain tolerance would be at their level.

They wheeled me into a delivery room where I labored some more. My contractions were strong but I was trying my best to resist the need for pain medication. I figured if I could say no to that I might as well say no to everything else.

Every time the nurses came in they would check me and offer me some sort of intervention: Pitocin, breaking my water, epidural. I was worried if I gave in to one I'd be "trapped" into the rest leading to a c-section... Which I really didn't want.

I did reluctantly agree to them putting a set of "headphones" on my belly which was suppose to track my baby's heart beat. They said that would help them monitor the baby and let them know if anything was going wrong. I wondered why they needed constant monitoring when a doppler now and then could do the trick but I didn't argue too much.

After a little while a nurse mentioned that my baby's heartbeat was going down every time I had a contraction and I mentioned that could be normal and was no reason to sound an alarm.

When she left, I pulled my husband over and told him we'd better watch out and make sure we don't feel rushed into anything. I laid in bed for awhile when nurses started to come in.

For some reason they started to wheel my bed into another room. My husband followed behind and I told him to keep an eye out. I said I was worried they were going to put me to sleep and cut me open when I didn't know. He promised me he wouldn't let that happen and he'd stay right next to me, and no mater what, we wouldn't get a cesarean.

They pushed my bed into a room with a machine that looked like a cat scan machine, and my practice's midwife was there to greet me. She told me there was something wrong with my baby. At first I was thinking it was some kind of ploy, but then she turned on a big TV with an ultrasound image of my baby and she didn't look human at all. She looked like she had a bird-shaped skull, and a dinosaur-like spine and as if she was overgrown and completely deformed.

The midwife told me my daughter had pinkscriptocytosis (no idea where that came from but it was the word I remember from my dream). My eyes began to swell and my train of thought shifted completely.

"Is she going to be ok?" Was all I could manage.

My midwife went on to tell me what that condition means and that she could maybe learn to walk around the age of five...

Everything else she was saying wasn't sinking in. I just kept staring at the image of my baby and wondering what I did wrong. What did I do? I thought I had been safe, healthy, careful. All I could do was blame myself. I also wondered why we didn't detect this earlier but mostly wondered how in the world we'd get her here safely.

I was so angry for worrying so much about doctors taking advantage of me and for not worrying about how my baby was doing and how healthy she'd be once she got here. I was so worried about being "tricked" that I missed something. All I could do was cry.

I woke up completely startled, sweating, scared, and confused. I was shaking as I tried to digest what I had just been through, or thought I had been through. My LittleLady bug was kicking in my stomach, as if she was telling me she's ok.

I went to the bathroom still thinking about the dream, reminding myself it WAS just a dream and that my baby girl is just fine. It was about 3am and I did my best to go back to sleep. It wasn't easy.

My husband woke up from my restlessness and I told him I had a bad dream. He asked me what about but I didn't feel like going into details.

In the morning I woke him up to tell him the full story and tried to sort out my thoughts with him.

We frequently discuss birth and how we'd like it to go, but also the way some corporate systems work. We're well aware of the fact that not everyone in the medical field is truthful. Last year we had a horrible experience with a newly graduated densist who insisted that I had 13 cavities that needed to be drilled and filled. After getting a second opinion from a family dentist we trust, we discovered I in fact only had three very tiny cavities that barely needed work.

We understand people sometimes do things to make things easier, safer, or better for them while ignoring the opinions and feelings of the patient.

We talked about how we'd like our labor to go... We'd go as natural as possible but discuss every option brought before us, no matter how often. We're not going to focus on bringing a piece of paper with us stating "this is our birth plan" because we know that paper only does so much. Things can change and although I may decide and write "no epidural" for now... 30 hours of active labor with my pain tolerance, plus, yes, possibly a nagging nurse may make me decide to say "screw it, give me the drugs." But if I do, that's ok, because the plan is to be as educated as possible so we can feel comfortable making decisions as we go.

We don't want to focus on a personal contract we sit down to write now, only to reflect on it once again later, cursing ourselves for not "sticking to the plan." Our PLAN is to stick to a healthy birth practices outline such as those by Lamaze. Our PLAN is to make wise decisions together and be flexible. Our PLAN is to enjoy the experience together. Our PLAN is to have my husband cut the umbilical cord, and for our baby girl to be placed on my chest as quickly as possible. Our PLAN is to have a CHD test after birth, to breastfeed, and to have a safe and healthy recovery.

I'm not going to plan to skip the epidural no matter what only to discover I can't stand the pain and change my mind later. I can plan not to have a c-section but during labor discover my baby girl has her cord wrapped around her neck. I'd change my mind then an opt for surgery. Then what of my plan? I am scared to death to make a promise to myself that I won't keep, then cause myself so much regret after the birth of my baby because of self-disappointment.

It reminds me of planning for a wedding. There are some brides who go all out in the planning process, wanting to make sure everything falls into place perfectly on her wedding day. She may darn-near stress herself out up to the day of the wedding, maybe even the day of making sure it's all right. Then what? Afterwards there's sometimes a feeling of disappointment. It's all over and now life goes on, the climax of the wedding day maybe wasn't all she expected but it's ended and hopefully she's prepared some for married life and the responsibilities that come with that.

I use to say "I don't want a beautiful birth, labor and delivery is just a means to an end for me to get my baby here." But my mind has changed. I DO want a beautiful birth, but my picture of what that is isn't like everyone else's. No matter how my baby decides to come into the world we will choose to make it a beautiful experience, and we'll enjoy it, because by gosh HAVING my baby in my arms at the end means we did it, we completed the process and we made it through the most exciting day of our lives. And to me THAT'S when the beauty starts--Or at least, that's what I most look forward to.

My dream may have just been an insane collection of thoughts and worries playing on the big screen of my HD imagination, but it made me wake up a little. It made me count my blessings, and be so grateful for the chance my husband and I have to be parents in the first place, for the knowledge we have of that's most important to us, and for the wisdom and courage we have to educate ourselves about the process.

NOT to Doula

It started with my initial "Doula Dilemma", then I took that advice I got from there and Twitter and wrote again: "To Doula or Not to Doula." Then I wrote my decision on my Real Mom TV Blog. Here's an excerpt:

"I’ve thought a lot about this and it’s hard to admit this publicly amongst so many people who’ve been pushing me to hire a doula as labor support, but as the title of this post suggests, I’ve decided not to hire a doula.

I’ve been back and forth with the doula thing and weighing the pluses and minuses for me. I made a list of the positives and negatives of hiring a doula, and while the list of positives was longer when it came to services a doula can provide… I’ve read the benefits over and over (and doulas themselves will always tell you the MANY benefits). But when I compared it to what mattered MOST to me: Feeling like my husband and I are experiencing it and making decisions together, experiencing this special milestone alone (Ok, so when you’re pushing you’re not alone but there are hours of down time between nurse visits and whatnot) and feeling a since of accomplishment that WE did it… It outweighed many of the reasons I wanted to hire a doula..."

I wrote my doula decision a couple of days ago and that's the first part of my explaining my decision. You can read the rest here on my Real Mom TV Blog. Penny for your thoughts.

Becoming Something I'm Not... Yet

Everything I thought I'd ever be... The woman I pictured myself turning into. It's all changing before my eyes.

I wanted to climb the "corporate" ladder so to speak, and be a professional woman. "Lexus before little ones" was my saying. Now, my dreams of an IS250 have been put on hold, indefinitely, until I know which way my life is going... Oh, and until I make enough money.

28 or 29... That was about how old I thought I'd be when I had my first child. Granted I thought I'd be 25 or 26 when I got married. But things changed. I met and married my husband at 18... And I'm pregnant at 23. I'll be a young mother... But family isn't the only aspect of my life that's matured quickly.

I graduated high school a year early, applied and won nearly every broadcast award I entered for in college. Won a record amount of scholarships, and landed jobs many people older than me dreamed of.

I'm not recalling this in a big-headed way, but thinking about the path that I was on. I kept encouraging myself to push on. I am so young, and have so much potential. Imagine what I could do with another 10 years--And I'd only be 33!

I didn't want to fall into the routine of so many women I knew in college. Not that it was a bad thing, but the "trap"... As I saw it then, was to get married, get hypnotized, and get pregnant. Life after that to me seemed to be all poopie diapers and dedication to another human being... Not having much time to develop one's own skills.

I see things a little differently now. Becoming a mother has been something I haven't seen as a burden, but as a gift. But I still wonder what will happen to me.

I always thought one good thing I'd have going for me is the fact that I know who I am as a person, as a woman. I am aware of my likes, dislikes, talents and personality. Motherhood won't be the only thing I've experienced. It won't define me or...Or will it?

What will happen to me once I hold my child in my arms for the first time? Who, and what will I become?

A few months ago I practically turned down an opportunity that fell in my lap because I knew I wanted to pursue a family. Now I catch myself wondering if I made the right decision.

Will I continue to pass up jobs because my dreams for motherhood come first? Knowing the answer to this question is "yes" right now makes me a little sad. I use to have my goals mapped out, and be ahead of the game. Now I feel like I'm loosing headway.

What's happening to my ambition? My drive? My urge to be a successful career woman? I feel like everyone expected so much of me... Expected me to go so far. News of my pregnancy is a shock to them. I feel like a hypocrite.

I want to do it all... But I'm not sure how possible it is at my age to get ahead in my career AND be a young mom. I don't regret my decision, I just wonder where it will take me, and who exactly I'll become.

I Wonder...

While I was away: Parts were written in my journal (during my blog break) on October 10th and saved for today.

Sometimes I get the I sudden have the urge and fear that makes me NOT want to reproduce. This use to happen all of the time when I was on birth control. I blamed my emotions on the hormones, but now my only excuse is natural hormones and my ever-wavering mental state.

I think it has something to do with fear of what I’ll become. Will my ambitions die with the birth of a new child? I care about my family more than anything… I know this already, but I worry I’ll lose part of myself I hear so many women say they’ve lost.

I love my job. I love my career. I love knowing that I could support my family, or myself on my own if I needed to, and that I have the drive to excel. Most of the women I lived around during my college years are stay at home moms now. I think that's great! But I wish I could see more people living in situations I see myself in, just for my examples sake.

I want to know it's ok, that it's possible, and that I can do it all. That I can have a career... A child, a family. That IS how I see myself, but that's not what I see commonly among my circle of women. ...Especially in my religion.

Sure, sometimes I dream of handing over the reigns to my husband, and letting him worry about balancing our finances, while I take care of our home and children, but I wonder if thoughts of “what ifs” would creep into my mind. I wonder if it would be all it is cracked up to be.

But at the same time I wonder if I really want to be a duel-income family. Do I want my child in daycare?

If now… I wonder if I'm I ok with penny pinching my first year or two. I want to be able to give my child the world, but I worry how I'll do that. I know there are very few things a child NEEDS its first year, but I still want to provide some of those extra things.

I wonder sometimes how I’ll be able to do it all…If it is possible. Can I keep being a successful "business woman", and good wife while also adding the tasks trying to be a good mom, and able to raise good kids. Being a mother alone is a lifetime duty full of heartache and joy. Could I fulfill both responsibilities? Is there enough time in the day? How do you do it?

I wonder if I’ll be sad if I miss things, and get jealous of women who are at home.

I guess the good thing is one choice isn't permanent, and it doesn't have to last a lifetime. Well... Except the decision to become a mother in the first place.

I wonder...

****

PS: Someone hacked into the Overall Blog awards :( So The Bump started it over and are asking for people to COMMENT about why they think the particular blog should win. If you could take a few moment to write your thoughts about my blog down on their site I'd greatly appreciate it! I know I'm up against amazing bloggers, but I feel like I have more of a chance now that it's not about the numbers. Here's the link.

The Stress

I have a sick feeling in my stomach... And NO, it's not that. I'm not feeling my normal, chipper, optimistic self. It's like I'm at a crossroads, but there's like 12 different ways I could go... And my head feels like it could EXPLODE if I think of them all. Career, family, life... Everything is spinning.

I hate being a girl... That's what I blame my emotional swings on... The fact that I'm a woman. I swear today I woke up in the WORST mood. Then I eventually got better and got over whatever was making me mad. I was really happy, then I got mad again. Hormones--I hate you! go away! ...And take Aunt Flow with you!

I just feel so confused right now. I don't understand how I can have so much of my life "planned" and in order but still feel so completely all over the place! I hate it!

I feel like the things that define me now... Aren't exactly how I want to be defined. I use to be so ambitious and want to conquer... Everything and lately I'm feeling contempt, and kind of boring... Or the things I do want to achieve I don't feel like I can. But I don't want to be boring. I hate boring!

I'm usually the kind of woman that sees the glass half-full, I'm optimistic, and feel like it CAN be done... But right now I feel like I can't do ANYTHING. I can't achieve my goals... I can't make new ones, I can't get anything done, and I feel like I'm in over my head with the simplest of tasks... And I don't even have to take care of anyone but myself...

A year ago if you asked me where I wanted to be a year from then I would have said working in a bigger city and making more money. Last week I would have said I wanted to start [expanding] our family... Today, I'm just not sure. I HATE going back and forth, I feel silly, but I feel like I shouldn't be so confused.

I don't get it. I feel like I've been doing better on the spiritual side of things, and now this? My only guess is that the Adversary wants to work harder to bring me down. I know God won't give me anything I can't handle, but sometimes I think He pushes my limits.

A really hot guy once told me "You're too blessed to be stressed" and I try to remember that... But it's not always easy.

I wish I could be one of those people who just lives life as it goes, seeing where life takes them, not worrying about where they land. I'm kind of too much of a control freak. I like to know what's going on, where I'll be next week, next month, next year. And I like to plan accordingly.

I hate encountering this side of myself, it makes me feel pathetic.

The Transition

When did this happen? It use to be when someone announced their pregnancy I was just glad it wasn’t me. Ok, it wasn’t that bad. Actually, it was more like rolling my eyes and thinking to myself: ‘Another one bites the dust.’ But that sentiment has since taken a one-eighty…

But on the other side of my spectrum it’s not all roses and butterflies either. It’s sadly also a bitter emotion… Jealousy.

When did this happen? I think I missed it… The transition from wanting a successful career more than anything else. From wanting a child (but not in the near future) to wanting a child NOW YESTERDAY. When did this happen?—HOW? What happened to me?!

I’ve had baby fever before. Yes, the bug has bit me, and then I built up an immunity towards it. But now I feel silly when I feel the aching in my stomach as I look at pictures of a newborn baby in her mother’s arms. What happened?!

How did I go from planning my future and goals of things to do with my husband to not wanting to do anything else but make a baby?.. To feeling a pit of depression every time another friend announces their pregnancy.

Who am I to feel that way? It’s not like I’ve been trying to have a child for months or years… Or ever. It’s not like I’m struggling with infertility, and wanting a child longer than all of my friends having children. Granted I have a right to feel this way too, but I seriously feel insane.

I wasn’t going to go for it… Try to bring a child into this world, until I knew I was sure. I couldn’t just try to “see what happens” because that would probably mean baby (yes, for people who don’t want it that’s what happens). To me, you either want it, and are trying, or you don’t try. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t expecting to feel a “maybe sortof” emotion for some time in between.

What happened to the middle ground? Wasn’t there suppose to be some transition here?… You know, don’t want a kid, sorta want a kid, wanting a kid more… more … ok for sure want a kid?

It’s like my maternal desire had been dormant for decades and all of a sudden it has awoken from the tomb inside me and has erupted like a massive volcano.

I’m trying to scrape the lava back inside me with a squeegee but it’s not working. I can’t contain it. I can’t deny it. I want a child, and I want it more than ever.

Can't wait to get this part started!

The Pendulum Swings

Part of me wishes I had been blogging during this entire trip just so I could remember the way my mind is spinning from day to day.

Wednesday--Nearly halfway through my trip I was ecstatic...Thrilled... I had NEVER been so happy to go to the dentist for that second opinion and whatever drilling and pain medication I'd need done before attempting to procreate. I was ready! The essentials of my Baby Bucket List were complete and there was only one thing holding me back. I'm not going to say any names but it rhymes with "musband."

That was pretty much my overall feeling for the past moth or so...Until now. I felt little pricks of the adversary here and there, but today the opposition crashed into me like a wave.

I'm normally not the jealous type. I've never envied someone's job because I've always felt like I could work to get there myself. I've never wished I could travel more like _______ or that I had so and so's wardrobe. I've always been content and very aware of my blessings. ...But I do have a weakness lately--A sore spot--if bumped, turns me into a completely different person.

It's not something I can express in one simple sentence, it's a way of life I admire and want to achieve.--It's the full package.

We've come a long way since our beginning together. We couldn't afford a kitchen table when we got married so we used the largest cardboard box we could find and some fold-out camping chairs we got for our wedding. We were broke, but we loved it--Not so much the broke part, but being newlyweds. We mostly lived off spaghetti and Ramen noodles... And when we did eat out it was Sonic 5 for $5 on Monday nights and cheap Taco Tuesday. We didn't have friends who had much more than us--And kids weren't even a thought in our minds.

Now four years, four promotions, a condo, degree, and cross-country move later I'm wondering where all the time has gone, and why I am still struggling.

I cried one recent morning after witnessing the immense blessings of two of my friends. I know I'm blessed--I'm not trying to deny the wondrous ways the Lord has worked in my life.--But I'm torn with the desires of my heart and the desires of my mind.

I want a child--There's no doubt about that. But I feel like we can't because of money. Sure, we'd get by. But I don't know if I want to just get by. Is that even fair to my child?

What's worse--I'm afraid to tell my husband how I'm feeling because I know my worries would only amplify his. Oh, and that little September goal of ours... That would be out the window.

****

Random.org says the winner of the Twilight Theory and necklace giveaway was #3 Brandi who liked the Twilight necklace by Giggles and Gins Bowtique that says "You are my life now." Get me your info so I can get it sent your way!

And don't forget, my 400th follower giveaway is still going on! Day 1 ends tonight at Midnight!

The Distance Dilemma

With a family vacation including a family reunion on the cusp of my plans, it has me thinking a lot about how close is too close and how far is too far.

Growing up I didn't live close to cousins. Not that it made much of a difference, my eldest cousin is 10 years younger than me.

My grandmother and grandfather did live close for awhile. My grandmother lived just a city away from us in Georgia, I remember visiting her place, and her being there for my first day of Kindergarten, sometimes she'd pick me up from school. I imagine that must have been nice for my mom. But she and my grandfather moved West when I was still in elementary school.

My husband had the opposite experience. Most of his live he lived in the same county as most of his cousins. They all grew up together and had family get-togethers often.

When I first met his extended family--Exactly five years ago, it was quite overwhelming. It seemed like millions of screaming kids were running swarming all over the place. He didn't even know all of their names. I thought I'd never memorize his eight aunt and uncle's names... But after about a year I had their names, and their spouses names down.

I was never really turned on to the idea of living that close to so much family. Siblings and parents--Sure. But being an earshot away from a millions cousins? I wasn't so sure. After living near that for a few years, and now being away from that while thinking of having kids I'm getting a little sad thinking that our kids won't be near any of their grandparents.

Will my kids not get the same spoiling our siblings will because we live further away? Who will we trust to babysit our child? Will being too close be smothering? Will the benefits actually outweigh the downsides to the location?

I wouldn't want to put the burden of watching our kids on anyone who doesn't want to... But I imagine family wouldn't mind as much as others. Especially not grandparents.

I do believe there is such a thing as "too close." But that hasn't ever been a problem I worry too much about. Living a few hours away is nice because you're close enough for weekend trips, but gar enough away to avoid the "drop in."

I often find myself wondering if it's worth it to move closer to family to get those benefits, or if we'll make our own close friends--Like family, wherever we are, and have the same bond. Besides... I wasn't close to my family most of my life, and I made it just fine.

What do you think? Do you live close to family? Why or why not?

***

PS: Amidst my family reunion plans, I'll be taking a tiny break from my personal blog updates. I'll still be around, and perhaps have time for an update or two, but I'm planning something a little different and fun for all of you.

The week of a 6th I'll have a giveaway a day. I'm still working out the details but right now I have more than 20 sponsors. I'm hoping to get about 25, so if you know of someone who has a small business or makes things they'd like to have promoted here, have them holla at me at babymakingmachine{at}gmail.com.

The Theory

Asking the question of timing when it comes to having kids brings up a whole bundle of answers varying from "You should have a kid RIGHT NOW! It's the BEST thing in the entire world" to "DON'T DO IT!" I posted a question on this new website I found called MamaSource. It's basically a Wiki-like thing but for mom questions. I saw a lot of questions there about pregnancy and potty training, but one question I didn't see is a question I constantly have looming in my mind... 'What am I going to wish I had know before I become a mother?'

So I posed the question, and in less than 24 hours I had more than 40 responses. I was BLOWN AWAY. Really. By the variety of responses but how helpful, and thought provoking they were.
...So I have this new theory defining the type of people who have kids and when. Based on the responses I received there, and many comments I've read here on my blog, I'm thinking there's a huge perspective difference in people who are very religious and those who aren't. Most of the comments I get here that encourage me to take the leap I think come from people who are either LDS, or devout in their religion and have a strong belief in family bonds. Not saying that people who suggest I wait aren't religious, I just think some adamant religious people aren't as focused on careers, money, and things as much as others.

It also seems like a lot of the mom videos I watch on things like Momversations, with moms who seem to be "complaining" sometimes wish they had waited longer... I don't see many LDS people on those type of sites. Why do you think that is? Maybe since people who don't drink and "party" don't feel like they have much to give up? Or is it just that our religion focuses SO much on family, that it's not taken for granted as much?

What do you think? I'm really curious to know what makes some people wish they had waited longer, and others happy they had kids young. It could come down to personality, but I think it's more than that. I think I'm seeing a correlation here--I think I'm on to something, and I'm really wondering what "category" I'd fall into. I'm torn because I am very career-driven, but at the same time I often find myself thinking how I'd love to run away to the jungle and just have my family--That's all I want. I feel like I'm split between two worlds, but working in a cut-throat business that would leave me behind in a second once it got word I was lacking commitment--Putting my family first. So many people lose their families doing what I do and I'm not willing to let that happen.

I'm not sure how long the questions stay posted and I want to remember some of these answers forever so I'm going to post them all here. Forgive me for the long list sure to follow, feel free to scroll past to tell me where you stand or what you think of my theory. I'll color code the advice by people who "suggest waiting" or wish they had in red and people who say "go for it" or enjoy being younger parents in blue. Those in-between or that I can't classify I'll make purple. I know there's A TON of answers, but in there, there's a lot of advice for future mamas, so if you're debating like me, or looking for some words of wisdom, things they wish they new beforehand, and book suggestions etc. you may like to set aside some time to read them sometime!

Obviously deciding when the best time for me is my decision but it's sometimes nice to hear a mother's hindsight.
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My Question:
Is there anything you wish you had done beforehand? Anything you had wish you had known before "going down the road of no return?." Any advice you'd give to a Future Mama like myself? I sometimes feel like I'm ready but then I'm worried I'll wish I have waited longer later. Did you ever feel this way?
A little about me:
I'm 23, I've been married for about 4.5 years. I'm really thinking I'm about ready for a baby but I'm constantly back and forth, worried that once I become a mom I'm ALWAYS a mom. I don't drink or party or travel that much, we're pretty much homebodies, I'm just worried I'll never be able to overcome this fear of the permanency of motherhood! Ahhh, help!
Answers:
From: Umber
What I wish I had known is that the feelings you are having are perfectly normal and very very sane things to wonder.
Motherhood is forever and it is scarey and a total blessing at the same time. You'll never sleep again and if you do you'll feel good and guilty at the same time! You will never in your life know a greater joy nor a greater love than that of/ for your children. Nor will you ever have a more taxing and tiring job. And no matter how bad a day goes you will be very moved by how wonderful they are as soon as they fall asleep. :)
I had my kiddos much later than you but the feelings were the same. It is good to be realistic about how hard it is going to be. The surprise is just how wonderful it all is. You aren't going to believe how much love you will have in your life.
Congratulations! You're going to do fine!
From: Julianna W
I waited until I was in my 30's, I have no regrets about that. I totally enjoyed my freedom. I had an education behind me and a good career, I can't imagine doing it differently; except I wish I would of traveled. Also, I wish I would of known that you can't expect grandparents to actually offer to take care of kids on weekends like on TV. That just might not be the case.
***
From: Rosie P
Hi Jennifer, What a smart question to ask! I dealt w/ that question for seven years before my husband and I finally made the BIG decision this past February and now we are expecting our first child this Thanksgiving :-) I still have many questions on parenting although I've read books and articles such as "Parenting for Dummies" and "Your Child's Self-Esteem" but I understand every child is different. My advice to you is to PAY ALL YOUR DEBTS OFF (mortgage is an exception). My husband and I can honestly appreciate and enjoy our pregnancy without the pressures and tensions of financial instability. It took us two years to pay off $27,000 (car note, student loan, several credit cards) but there is no feeling like that of having an actual savings and having peace of mind that i can quit my job if need be to care for our child. Like many postings have mentioned- you are very young and have much time to make this BIG decision. Just take care of your financial responsibilities while you can BEFORE babies come along. I wish you and your husband the best no matter what you both choose. Good Luck! Oh, one last thing, if you still feel unsure if you want children- practice with animals first! Caring for an animal can be quite a task. We practiced w/ THREE and they are all a little spoiled. :-)
***

From: Kimberly N

After you become a mom your life isn't your own anymore. You hardly get any sleep and don't get much free time for yourself anymore. Your kids needs come before anything you need or want. So I'd wait a few years and enjoy your life and your freedom.

***

From: Elizabeth S
If only I could go back without a child for one day. I have wanted kids my whole life. I got married at 21 and got pregnant right away. Unfortunatly, we lost that baby. I got pregnant again at 23 and lost that one too. We finally got pregnant when I was 25 and I now have a beautiful 2 year old girl. I am a sahm and I love my daughter so much. Sometimes I wish I would have waited a little longer though. There is no sleeping late. No going anywhere by yourself. (not even to the bathroom) I didn't go out either, but now I am wishing I would have. This motherhood is way harder than I thought. I really don't have anytime with the hubby until she goes to sleep and by then we are both exhausted. I would take another year or two and just enjoy each other. Go on vacations, enjoy movies and what ever else YOU want to do. Motherhood is the best job I have ever had, and it is a love that I have never felt before, but it is totally different than I expected. Good luck with whatever you choose.

***

From: Amy B
At 23, you are lucky--you still have lots of time. So, I'd say wait for another few years, because you're not sure about the permanency of it. So, my suggestion is to do more come-and-go activities. Go places at the drop of a hat. One night before kids, we were watching SNL, saw a Taco Bell commercial at 11:45 PM, then hopped in the car and went to Taco Bell. Do all the spontaneous stuff you can now, and get it out of your system, because once you have sleeping kids at night, you won't be able to make fun midnight runs to Taco Bell together anymore! Plan some little trips last minute. We went camping when we were waiting for our adoption, and it was a good bonding experience because we HAD to spend our time together.
Go to movies! Go to lots of movies! R-rated movies! That is so hard to do after you have kids because, at least while I was a SAHM, babysitters were definitely not in our budget. Then once your kids are old enough, you'll only be seeing kid movies.
Have tons of fun now, and when you have a baby in a few years, you'll have no regrets.
From: Wanda C
Great question. The most important thing I've learned is that it doesn't have to change a thing unless you want it too. We travel more now thann we ever did before, only now, I get to show DD all of these wonderful things too. She once told my mother that Mommy and Daddy don't give her things, the give her memories.- Proudest moment of my life. I've been able to go back to school fulltime, because being a mom makes mee slow down. My school work keeps me sane. (Yes, friends, this is me "sane.") We were together for 5 years before marriage and started trying for our DD as soon as we came home from our honeymoon. I was 23 when I had her...5 Years later, I wouldn't change a thing.--most days. ;) You will know when it is right for you. --- OH, one thing no one will tell you that I really wish I had known...your pre-pregnancy shoes will NEVER fit again. I had the best shoe collection. Got pregnant-feet swelled- bones shifted- no amount of weight loss will ever get me back in those shoes. Someone at a women's shelter in Indiana hit the jackpot. I wear flip-flops now. (tear) ;) *** ETA after you update. Very few people are ever 100% ready. We tried for 6 months and then thought, "OK, it isn't going to happen anytime soon." Quit my job and got pregnant the day I left my very well paying job for a much more dangerous, less paying, but more rewarding job, and I got a dog. I immediatly found a much better, and safer job than the first and DH took the dog over, because he made me sick. Most of the people that have responded said they would have waited longer. I'm not saying you should do it now, but if you try to wait until you are 100% sure, you may be too late or have to spend 1,000's for fertility treatments, or adoption. Take your time, but watch that clock too. I know that I didn't want to be 50+ and have a child in high school. That might work for some, but our plans have us sailing around the world as empty-nesters at 50.
From: Allison O
It's OK to ask for help. No one expects you to be a super mom all the time. (I wish I had learned that a lot sooner) Don't let anyone tell you that you are too young. I had my first at 22, 2nd and 23 and 3rd at 25 and wouldn't change a darn thing. I don't think you are ever 100% ready for the new baby, but you do have to be 100% ready to let go of your old life and enbrace the new...and all it's wonderful craziness.
From: Jamie F
Something I wish I knew..... It took us soo long to get pregnant that when it happend it was magival, my pregnancy was wonderful and so when my son came, I imagined it just the same, angelic and wonderful. That was my biggest mistake, it was not all grins and giggles. It was really tough! Not all the time, but when he cried and I couldn't tell why, or waking up at 9,12,3,6, repeat..... It was tough. I wish someone would have sat me down and explained that I wouldn't know everything, (regardless of the 12 years chilcare experience) and that I would have to figure out what my baby needed and it would be O.K. if I needed help. It would be O,K, not to be super mom.
Good luck to you, don't let my post scare you, Motherhood is wonderful!! I wouldn't trade it in for anything!
From: Stacy B
Wait until you're ready. I wasn't ready until I hit 30! at that time, I just KNEW. It's not just the permanence of it. You will have to adapt your life. A lot of people say you change who you are, but you don't have to - you have to incorporate your kids into your life instead, which is just as tricky. And the one thing I wish I had known - the whole baby part is the EASY part. They're portable, they sleep a lot, you eventually figure them out. It's when they're 2, and 3, and 4, etc that it gets hard. I figured if I could make it through the first few weeks of sleepless nights and constant nursing I'd be ok. Hah! So wrong.
***

From: Laurel S

There are so many things that I wish that I had done differently. I feel sorry for my oldest daughter, because she was the guinea pig. For one thing, I should have been more patient with her, although she is such a good girl now that I guess she's no worse for wear. Also, instead of insisting that my husband get out and get a job, I worked my tush off, barely seeing my children for several years. It was a horrible experience. I should have been willing to just let us be shamefully poor until he got the hint and got to work. Now he works, I stay home, and life is much better, but there were a LOT of wasted years.

***

From: T B
Something my Mother in law tells me..."Not to decide is to decide". If you aren't sure just wait.
What I wish someone had told me was how hard it was going to be at first. All the adjusting to the new baby and how the relationship changes with DH.
What I wish I had done before having kids...travel more, done more as a couple, just basically experience life a little more. I was in my late 20's, I wish I had waited at least a couple of years.
You are so young, I would try to accomplish your goals as a person before having a little one.
From: Lynnette B
I wish I'd known how much having children would change me as a person, and how that would affect my relationship with my husband. I'd always been a fairly ambitious 'career woman.' I married young (21) but then finished college and started working in the corporate world, moving up fairly quickly. My dh had always said that my ambition and career goals were a big part of what attracted him to me in the first place. I had my first child at 30, and suddenly, ambition went out the window--all I wanted to do was spend time with my baby and be the one to raise her. My husband was totally shocked. He thought I'd get over it as she got older but I really never did. I stayed home as long as I could, then went back to work part-time until she was a year. When I had to go back full-time after that I was miserable. I finally quit my job when my 2nd was born and I haven't worked full-time since (my oldest is now 12). It took a really, really long time and a lot of effort to make our marriage work after I had this big change of heart about what was important to me. DH seemed to lose some of his respect for me. He completely stopped helping around the house and I felt like the maid. We still sometimes have issues--my youngest is 4 and we talk about having me go back to work when she starts kinder, but then we start thinking about all of the kids' after-school activities and what they'd have to give up and how in the world we'd get them to the places they CAN'T give up (like relgious school), and it starts to seem like I'll NEVER go back and he gets frustrated all over again. So, that's a very long story, but the point is that sometimes the changes that motherhood brings can be a bit shocking and can have a big impact on all areas of your life, and you have to be ready for that. I've known other women who were the opposite of me...always thought they just wanted to be a mommy and nothing else, then the babies came and they went nuts and couldn't stand being home. The best-laid plans can always go awry...you just don't know what's going to happen until it's happening! I think you'll be a great mom, just realize that there will be changes and you and your husband BOTH need to be able to roll with it. Good luck!
From: Tisha E
first of all, your only 23!! if your having a hard time deciding right now, then wait a little. there's no rush....it is ok to wait. secondly--don't be afraid of motherhood when it comes. the way you feel when your pregnant--priceless(i'm talking about that little critter kicking inside) the way you feel when you give birth--priceless..the way you feel when you hold your baby and not want to put them down just because they are sleeping cuz they look so sweet... priceless...the list goes on and on...but take your time you are still young..
From: Rebecca
The funny thing is, once you have a baby, you will really not remember what life was like before. Everything is different, but it all falls into place. Sure, it is hard (anyone who tells you otherwise is a lying). My babies were "suprises" (we were using protection , so don't think you won't be suprised too;)). Good luck and just the fact that you are thinking this far ahead probably means you would be a good parent.
From: Stephanie S
Just make sure you and your husband are ready...Then go for it and enjoy ALL of it-even the bad parts. It goes by sooooo fast before you know it you will be like me with a 19 year old in college who is 6' 5" who you still think of as your baby. I have to admit my kids are pretty awesome and when there were rough times we always just worked thru them to get over it. We have always been a family who did everything together even the rodeo weekend life. You cant be afraid to take your kids with you everywhere you go-its much better than being seperated from them. Just Enjoy It!
From: Christina T
Jennifer, My advice may not really help, I was 18 when I got pregnant for the first time 20 for the second. I am not really a "free" spirit but I believe things DO happen for a reason. What I wish I had known or done beforehand would fill BOOKS!! But in hindsight, I would not change a thing. The things I don’t know may still fill a book, but the things I have learned fill my heart to overflowing. Yes its easer to travel with out children, go to school, find yourself, but who you are changes anyway when you become a parent. I can’t say I regret a single thing. LOL reading back on this its not advice at all. Be happy with you as a single person and you as 1/2 of a couple.
From: A M
Hello! Great question. I got married at 26 and had my son at 31. My hubby is 5 years older than me. He's military and we lived in Germany for 4 years so we were able to travel extensively. I feel very blessed to have had this time because we wouldn't have traveled like that with our little one. I always thought I wanted to be a mom, but wasn't sure I was ready. We had always said we'd start our family when we moved back. So even though I wasn't sure, we proceeded with that plan. We were blessed to get prego while my hubby was home on R and R for two weeks. I lived alone for 7 months of my pregnancy and made a transatlantic move with 3 dogs. My husband made it home safe and sound 3 weeks before our son was born. I wasn't sure we were really ready until I heard my little one cry for the first time. I was concerned about my patience level, but it's like you are blessed with an infinite reserve of patience for your child. I definitely agree with the posters who said you should trust your instincts. People will give you so much unsolicited advice, but the truth is you know what's best for your child and your family. I wish I had known that I would be so overwhelmed with love for this tiny creature that other things that used to bother me would fade into oblivion. I also had no idea how scary the world would seem once I had my little one. I had no idea I could be so fulfilled spending the entire day entertaining my little one. Being his mama and being happily married to his papa is the most thrilling role I've ever had. You'll know when you're ready... Even if you're unsure. Trust your gut. The things I didn't know that I might've prepared for better is my lack of time. I spend all day with my little one, and have just a few minutes here and there to accomplish laundry, projects, etc. What used to take a few hours now takes me a few weeks. I don't mind that my life has slowed down... Also, I wish I had known not to be so judgmental. Being a mom is doing a thousand things you never thought you'd do. The other advice I have is if you're going to get a new car, take the car seat with a watermelon in it and practice getting it inane out before you buy. I thought the car we picked was perfect, but now that my little guy weighs 15 lbs, it's torture on my back getting him in and out... Totally worth it, though. Blessings to you and your hubby!
From: Karen B
Hi Jennifer-
I wish I had talked to my husband more about our expectations of parenthood and how we might handle different parenting issues (discipline, balancing our time, etc.). It's so much harder to find time to sit down and discuss these issues when you are in the middle of them. It's impossible to plan for everything that parenthood throws at you but if you and your husband can reach some sort of concensus on how you will handle the big things before the baby comes then you'll be off to a much smoother start than I was. When you're sleep deprived and stressed out from the children it's not a good time for your husband to say "I think you're handling this wrong, you should do...". By the way, my husband only made that mistake ONCE! (ha-ha).
Seriously, talk about everything you can think of ahead of time. Do you plan to work or stay at home? Regardless of your choice how do you see the household responsibilities getting divided up? Do you or your husband do anything that takes up a lot of your down time (golf, crafts, fishing, etc). These hobbies do NOT have to end but you will both have to be more thoughtful and aware of how much time these things might be taking up and cut back or plan these things together so that they do not cause a problem later.
As everyone else has said, it's a wonderful trip that has led to no regrets on my part.
Good luck, Karen
From: Brittany A
The only thing I was worried about was that I had not gotten to spend enough one on one time just being with my husband beforehand. A baby takes a lot of teamwork, and the stronger the team the better. You have been married 4.5 years, so I know you two will be just fine. Good Luck and Congrats!!! Babies bring such joy that nothing else will matter ( :
From: New Mama D
I always said I wanted to have my kids early, about 25, but that just wasn't in the big plans for me since my husband didn't come along until a couple years later. I am so glad for this, because we got to enjoy travel and get in a better place financially so that I didn't have to go back to work afterwards. I watched several of my friends have kids young and they didn't get to enjoy it as much as I am, because I feel they weren't mature and patient enough, but also because they were constantly struggling which put a huge strain on their marriages. Each and every persons situation is different though. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best in the world, because once you look into your little ones eyes, you realize that you have met the second love of your life! One thing I wish I would have done more was let my daughter sleep on my chest more. It was always so sweet and it doesn't take long for them to not want to be held like that anymore and you already miss it!!
From: Stacey B
Wow, that is a great question. I was 24 when I had my daughter and 28 when I had our son. My husband is 4 years older than me and was ready to start a family on our honeymoon! Yikes! However, our daughter was born the day before our second anniversary. She is now 20 and our son is 16. My husband and I have enjoyed our children and wouldn't change anything. I do like that I can sleep late! Jennifer, the love you feel for your child is overwhelming. There is absolutely NOTHING you wouldn't do for them. It's good that you are thinking about this. If the thought of being a parent didn't scare the crap out of you, I would be concerned! It's the hard job you will ever have and the most rewarding.
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From: Laura W

Sometimes I wish I'd traveled more or pursued a master's degree, or continued to sing in the choir (know a lot of mom's do this still but every time my nursing babe has been old enough for me to go back the energy of having a new baby has sucked this desire from me.) I can't make myself miss lullaby time. I read lofty books instead and travel with the family.
It's really easy to think of the sacrifices moms make and wonder, how can I do that. I will never have a life of my own. What I've discovered over the last 14 years of mothering is that this is life and it is so full of joy, energy and love (and trials) that I could never even wish to go back. It's nice to have children under foot in the home and I will miss it when they are grown. The past 14 years have gone at light speed, and there will be time to pursue other interests. Meanwhile the complexities of raising 6 different personalities (maybe I should add myself and my husband to that number :) make for very interesting days. Having one (or so at a time) allows the transition into mothering to be gradual...though when you get the soft sweet (screaming) little wee one up on your chest after you've given birth...you'll have no doubts about who you are and what you want to do. What a sweet place to be. Two more things: We had our first when we were married about 5 years and I was almost 26. When you have babies as a young woman, it is usually easier to conceive... though it took us 3 years. Your body bounces back easier, and you may not need a walker when you are traveling and enjoying life after baby. Just something to think about :)
From: Laurie A
We were married 10 years before we had our child... on purpose. She was planned and we were ready? As ready as we thought we could be.. We had been through rough patches in our marriage and had learned to communicate through counseling... We slept in as late as we wanted for an entire year... and then never slept in again until she was about 5.....
I wish I had known that there would be weeks, where my husband and I did not have a true adult conversation.... We would look into each others eyes across the room and just have to know what we were feeling, without words.
The other thing was I wish I had followed my own "mommy heart and gut", instead of listening to others, just because they were my elders.. (this only happened twice). I knew what the problem was, but because I was used to respecting elders, I did what they suggested and my daughter ended up in the hospital both times!
I am also really glad I married my best friend instead of a guy who would just be a good provider, cause now that our child is in college, I will be living alone with him for the rest of my life....
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From: Amy W
Hi Jennifer, I just wanted to respond & tell you that there will always be things as a mom that you would like to do, but can't do, or can't easily do because you have a child. Whether it's something as simple as sleeping in on a Saturday or as big as going on a trip. The thing I think you should remember is that you are still very young. You have plenty of time to have children, so don't feel the need to rush it. Live a little more of your life with your husband & wait. Especially if you are unsure if you are ready. I know plenty of people who have had children at a young age, and plenty of people who waited. Once you have a child, your whole life really does change, and it's beyond wonderful, but it is a lot of work. I had my son when I was 2 weeks from my 31st birthday & there are still things that I wish I could do, but can't because it's just not that simple to get up & go do it anymore. He's the highlight of my life & I love him dearly, but I am glad I waited. Of course my friends who had children young are very happy & love their children, but some of them feel they missed out on a lot of their youth because of it. So, don't stress out about it. Just wait. You'll know when you truly feel the time is right. Best wishes!
From: Elizabeth H
Hi Jennifer! Being a young mom, to me, is such a HUGE advantage!!! My Mom had me at 20 and she is honestly my best friend and the person I go to for EVERYTHING!! Not that you can't be that when you are an older Mom but I personally think it's easier when you are younger, you can relate a little better. I hear my older friends always saying "I should have started younger." Being a Mom is hard no matter what but there has never been one day I looked back and wish I had waited (I had my first at 25). My husband loves being young too because he can now be a "big kid" again and does everything they do!! Plus, you'll be able to enjoy grandkids better too!! Don't worry! It's God's perfect timing anyway...we like to take credit and think we have control but God really does the deciding for us. You'll be fine and I promise you it's such a fun ride and such a huge blessing!! You'll look very "cool" too when your kids start highschool and you are the "young" Mom on campus!! At least that's what I'm hoping!! Ha Ha! Congratulations!! Elizabeth
From: Nancyrae S
Motherhood is a permanent status and position. You are Mother until you die. Once you're in it there is no turning back.
If you're ready - truly ready - there will be no regrets. It is truly the most rewarding and most thankless job you will ever have in your life.
All you can do is take the advice of your own Mother, Grandmother, Aunt or whomever it is that you've admired and do it. If you are ready for this adventure of a lifetime, you will do fine. Go with what you know, your instincts and your gut. Always remember to protect your children and speak up for them - you are their only protection.
Good luck.
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From: Lisa M

Deciding to have children is the biggest decision of your life. Your life is no longer your own, it belongs to your child. You have to be ready to put that child first instead of yourself. There is never a perfect time to have children. If you're waiting until you have the money, have done certain things, etc., that time will never come.
If you're ready to open yourself up to being completely devoted to the needs of your child, then you are ready. I didn't have my first until I was 32. Not because I wasn't ready until then, but because I had not met the right guy until then. I love my son with every part of my being and his needs and desires come before mine any day of the week.
My younger sister, on the other hand, married at 21 and by 24 was feeling the pull to have a child. Her friends were having them, I had my son, etc. However, she has never adjusted to "life is no longer about me". She loves her daughter, I know. But, I don't really think she was ready when she got pregnant.
The differences in she and I, I am the oldest, she's the youngest. We have a brother between us. She has always had someone to take care of her. She lived at home until she was married, commuted to college, and she had my brother and I to help take care of her as a child, etc. I, on the other hand, left home right after high school to attend college, I did move back for a year at 22. But, I was out and on my own, living my life. There are things that I didn't get to do that I wanted as a single girl. But, now some of the things I want to do I can take my son along and he can experience them with my husband and I. My greatest joy now will be seeing him experience those things with his parents.
Don't be afraid to take your child with you places. Our son went with us out to eat at 8 days old. We take him practically everywhere with us. There are some "adult only" times. But, 90% of the time the things we do he goes along with us. I must add, though, that our circle of friends includes some couples that have young children as well. Most of them bring their children along, too. Some have easier access to babysitters than we, such as grandparents that live here, etc. When we became parents we seemed to have made a shift that most of the things we do, kids are welcome. It wasn't intentionally, but it just happened.
From: Jackie T
I wish I realized there only little bitty for a year and how fast that year goes by. The first three months were hard really hard. But after that it got eaiser and eaiser. No one told me that your hormones would be out of wack for a long time...mine durring preganancy and are just now settling back 17 months later. We were homebodies before and were still homebodies. Being a parent is a learn as you go process. I was 28 when we had our son. My mother was 24 when she had me. She thinks its great that we waited longer because we were actually adults and could handle things eaiser than she did...what ever that ment. They grow up fast and move on to college and highschool. Even my son at 17 months wants to wander to the neighbors house. Its not a life sentence its a blessing. It dosent sound like your ready. I never was one that had a "need" to have a baby. My son is the only diaper I have ever changed. He is wonderful and I know what a Blessing he is to our family. I grew in every way when I had him.
From: Jodi E
You almost make it sound like it's the end of the world to become a mom! In actuality, it's awesome, and it's hard to remember what your life was like without your child. I didn't get married until I was 27, and had my daughter when I was 30. Like you, we didn't party much and were home-bodies. I remember standing in the baby's room a week before she was born, freaking out, knowing I wasn't ready for this and sure I wasn't going to be a good mom. But it was too late for that, and the fears were totally groundless.
It'll be tough to do what you want to do right after the baby's born. There are some things you have to give up. But babies grow up quickly. Now my daughter does just about everything with me. She's even got her own passport so we can go on trips wherever/whenever we want to. Don't let being a mom stop you from doing what you want to do.
As for advice, my biggest piece of advice would be "Don't think you have to do it all on your own." When the baby's being fussy and you just have to hand her off to someone else and walk away before you pull your hair out, you're not a bad mom. When you look around the house one afternoon and realize that it's covered in baby paraphernilia, that the dishes are piled in the sink, that you can't remember the last time you vacuumed and you haven't had a shower since the day before, and you want to run away screaming, you're not a bad mom. When she won't stop screaming, even after you've tried Mylicon, Baby Orajel, Baby Motrin, a warm bath, and all you can do is lay her down and let her cry, you're not a bad mom. You're a normal mom. You're a super mom because you handle this day in and day out and you feel rewarded by it when she gives you a smile, or as you watch her peaceful face as she sleeps in your arms. It's tough, but it's worth it. And forget the housework. It'll still be there tomorrow when she's old enough to help! Enjoy her being small while you can. =)
From: Michelle G
wow- what a great question. I have never really thought about it. But here goes... I wish I was a little younger when I became a parent. My daughter was born when I turned 40. And frankly, sometimes, I get really tired trying to keep up with her. (She is 5 now.) I wish I had not wasted time reading books. All babies and kids are different. You have to trust your instincts about what is right for you and your babe. (For example, she slept on her stomach from day 1. Scary, I know.) I wish I had known that I would never sleep the same way again. First, out of worry of SIDS. Later, well, for a million other things. These days I am out of bed once or twice a night just to go in and look at her. But really, I wish I had known the depth of love and selflessness I was capable of. I never knew I had it in me! It took the right partner to make me see it in myself. I guess that's why it took me so long, huh? But anyway- trust your gut and listen to your heart. You'll hear the answer when the time is right.
From: Jessica L
I know everyone use to tell me that kids grow up so fast, but I didn't get it until the last few years. My girls are teenagers (16 & 17) now, and I miss them being babies. I was so young when I had my girls and in a bad marriage so I was constantly depressed. I loved my babies and took good care of them, but I didn't cherish them like people told me to do. I wish I could go back and just play with them and hold them more. Also, I wish I would have raised them in church. We go to church now, but I wish I would have started them when they were babies so I could have been a Christian mom their whole lives.
I will be in prayer for you and your husband to make the right decision. God bless!
From: Camille G
Hi Jennifer, I got pregnant for the first time when I was 36, didn't try to but yep there it was , lol , I didn't think I could even get pregnant & had accepted my life without children and dealt with it, but it happened. :) Up until that point, it was ALL about me. You get pretty used to thinking of only yourself when you've done it for that long! Motherhood is forever. Its not easy and not for the faint of heart. ;) But only when you have a child will you understand a love that is beyond anything you've ever felt or known. At 23 I think you still have time to put off motherhood a little longer, but thats just me. I wouldn't wait too long though. I know women who do wait too long and then find out they can't conceive. Good luck.
From: Sarah T
I do wish I had gone to Disney World and had taken my husband to France. I loved France and now with 4 kids that would be a difficult trip to do.
I worked in daycare for years before getting pregnant so I already knew a lot, but I am a terrible multitasker. Keeping a clean house AND watching 4 kids is very difficult! I wish I had learned organization, cleaning schedules ect prior to having children, maybe that would have made it easier.
I wish that I had learned more about birth. I read the "What to Expect" books and took a birth class at the hospital. What I now know is that those classes only teach you how to be good obedient patients. It took four awful birth experiences and four c-sections before I learned what is in the gems (The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth, Gentle Birth Experiences, Ina May's books, and others.) Women spend more time dreaming about and planning their wedding then they do their births! Birthing isn't just a means to an end, it's a rite of passage. And done well, it can be beautiful for mother and gentle for baby. And done poorly, it can be horrible as well as dangerous.
Are you ready for kids? Well, I don't know. I was your age when I had my first one, born just before our 1 year anniversary! I had another unplanned pregnancy only 5 months later, and #2 was 6 months old when I was preggo with #3! I believe I was ready. And it was much easier having two then one, especially since they were only a year apart. When children are close in age they are more easily playmates.
Sarah, mom to 4 on Earth and 5 Heavenly Treasures
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From: Kristi M
You’re right that motherhood is permanent. It will change how you sleep, how you eat, how you hear the nightly news, how you relate to your husband. This will not change when the child turns 18 or 20. You will be the mommy forever. You won’t just pick up and go to a movie because you want to see it. You will do something much better… you’ll sit at home and watch this marvelous creature as he/she smiles, coos , yawns and amazes you. You will worry more than you knew was possible. You will celebrate things that you don’t even notice now.
What I wish I had known as a mother is to trust my instincts instead of being swayed by the opinions of others. Usually the instincts of a loving mother are right. I was not so confident, and I regret that.
I wish I had known as a young mom that it is not failure to need someone to watch the baby so that I could take a shower or a nap. If daddy is at work, ask grandma or that nice lady at church who loves to hold him to come and hold the baby for awhile so you can feel human again. You’ll be a better mom with some sleep.
What I am glad of is that even at the very young age I became a mother I trusted that natural is usually better, and that a little bit of extra work will benefit the baby and the mom.
What is most important about being a parent is to live honorably so that your children will be able to fulfill their scriptural mandate to honor you. You are already off to a good start here by taking parenting so seriously. Kids need to know that their parents are solid, good and trustworthy. This is what gives them their foundation.
I would not presume to advise you as to whether you are ready for this. I will say that if both parents are not in agreement about it, then this is not the time. Also, no matter how much advice about mothering you receive there is no way to understand the richness and awe this brings to your life. Being a mother will change every thing. It can sound so trite, but what is ugly in the world will disturb you more and what is beautiful now will be even moreso. And the love you will feel for your baby is something that none of us can describe.

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From: Jen B
Well my hubby and I have decided there is no perfect time to have a baby. When we got married we planned to wait a couple years, but surprise, six weeks later I was prego! Now our son will be two next in July and we might be prego with number two, we will soon find out:) When I look at my toddler and think "holy cow, I am going to do it all again!" sometimes I think I am a crazy woman. But you know when my toddler crawls in my arms and tells me he loves me and I rock him to sleep or after he wakes up after a nap, the love that swells my heart makes me realize I wouldn't have life any other way. There are a ton of things I didn't know going into parenthood but that is part of what makes the journey so wonderful. It has it's challenges and as my mom says a part of your heart lives permanently outside of your body, but it is so worth it! I didn't marry until I was 30 so I did do some cool things before children, but if it is in your heart to be a mom, go for it! Nothing I did before kids matches the awesomeness of having them. Well gotta run...baby just woke up and isn't too happy!:) Let us know what you decide!
From: Katrina M
Hi Jennifer! I just wish I had been as mature as you and not jumped into having kids at such a young age. I love my kids but my bad decision caused them to have a tougher life than they deserved. The good thing is you have been married for so long that you know your husband and you know if he is going to make a good dad. The one thing I would stress is that if you and your husband don't get along 95% of the time don't have kids. I know from experience that when you fight in front of your kids (as Dr. Phil says) "you change who they are". Marriage takes a lot more work when you have kids. Make sure that you and your husband have talked about how you will raise your kids to make sure you are both on the same page. Being a parent is hard but let me tell you, there is nothing more rewarding than kids. One thing I will NEVER forget is the bond between my husband and I when we held our tiny little miracle that we made together. It is amazing! I had two kids in my early twenties and one when I turned 32. I will say I knew a lot more and made a better mother at 32 but that was partly because I had finally married a good man and I had been divorced twice and single while raising my first two. I learned things the hard way. Good luck in your decision and there is no reason to pressure yourself. You are so young.
From: Sally G
take time to travel! you'll never have enough money or time to do one....so make it BIG!
From: Janad H
I went through the same battle before I started having children. I was so worried that I wouldn't be good at and I'd be "stuck". You will be surprised just how amazing it is to hold your baby for the 1st time. I do admit that at times motherhood can be frustrating, tiring and totally unrewarding, but at the end of the day when your baby gives you a huge grin or a giggle and you put that baby down and you walk in their room and see them sleeping peacefully, it's all worth it. I wish I would have known just how much sleep you loose in the first few months so I could catch up on some z's before hand! I think it's great that you are spending so much time thinking about this big decision. That will help you a great deal in the long run. Good luck!
From: Sara L
I felt that way the whole time I was pregnant. I was worried that I could never again be selfish or over-indulgent, and that I was going to lose myself. For me, when my daughter came, it was nothing like I expected. The love you will feel for your new baby will be so strong, stronger than any love you have ever felt. It is a type of love that you can't even imagine now, but that is much much greater than any fear you are feeling now. You change as a person, not because you have to but because you all of a sudden want to. Standing on the brink of any big life change is scary, but you will find that once your baby is here, this "road of no return" just becomes your daily life, and it is a more rewarding life than you ever could have imagined. It helped me to read as many parenting books as possible. That way, I felt more in control, and like i would know what to do and how to do it well. When she came, I was prepared and able to enjoy my time with my new baby. One really good basic book to get you started is Baby 411. It walks you through the first weeks and months in a really easy to read way. Remember, almost every first mom has these fears. I remember crying on the couch in fear when I was pregnant, but now I am happier than I have ever been. Also, my relationship with my husband is deeper, stronger and more solid than it ever was before. With an 2 year old and another on the way, I truly feel that we are a team. Good luck!
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From: Amy H
I think the feelings you are having are perfectly normal. I have 3 kids and am 30. I had my first at 24, my husband was 22. It was the right time for us, but other people thought we were crazy! Being a parent is hard work, and yes you lose that 'me' time, but if you have a great husband and friends, you will always have the support. Also remember that you get 'you' back when your kids are grown up. So, do you want an 'old' you our a realativly youngs you? Whatever you decide, just make sure your husband is right there with you and find friends that have kids...they will always understand your feelings. Good luck. Oh, what I wish I had know before becoming a parent...kids are hard work. I kinda knew that, but man, the degree of how 'hard' was greatly understated. But it is fun work!
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From: Carla B
My life is more rich with my children in it. I have forgotten what "childless" is like. Go places now. Maybe that's one... I miss just picking up and going somewhere for the weekend. Go someplace really cool with your husband before you get preggo...A cruise...something that will give you both good memories. Once you are a Mom, don't forget to take time for yourself and hubby. Date night at least once per month. CB

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From: Leslie B
I wish I would have known about Gripe water with my first and wish I would have known to not throw away any breastmilk. Whatever breastmilk you don't use left over from a bottle or pump and dump, so to speak, freeze it in 1 and 2 oz and use for diaper rashes and facial rashes and other topical needs. I also wish I'd known with my first to not be afraid to give him a cereal bottle and get some good sleep.
As far as the fear of the permanency of motherhood, my philosophy is that's what morning sickness is. When you realize the magnitude of what you've gotten yourself into, it makes you sick to your stomach. However, when you have that baby all fears diminish. You're going to be a great mother.
My mother always told me to have my children before 25. I waited until 37 and 40. She was on to something. At first, I thought, I'm so happy to be older and wiser. Forget that. There's therapy. I want my energy back!!!

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From: Linda W
I cannot think of anything "i wish i'd done before I became a mom" Once you have a baby you will love that baby so much (for it's entire life) that I don't think you will ever question yourself on this. You can always get a relative or a reputable sitter if you want to go do something that your child cannot go do or just to have "moms day out" or even a second,third forth fifth...etc honeymoom with your hubby for a few days. a child is alot of work but the joy & the love for that child far outweigh the tiredness & the responsibility. You'll be thinking "i don;t know what i'd do without my baby rather than what do I want to do before I have one:) It is good you're thinking ahead, I consider that a responsible person. But I have 7 children (all adopted)but I have NO regrets. My advise, have them while your young & can enjoy doing things with them. Im 52,& have twin 5 yr old girls & a 19 month old son (along with twin 18 yr old girls, 19 yr old son & 34 yr old son) Its much harder with these 3 smaller ones at my age than it was with my older ones because I was young & enjoyed places like Six Flags etc. Oh yes,I enjoy it now, I just dont have the energy now I did back then. BUT i wouldn't trade my life with my children for anyone's & you will feel the same once you become a mom. I would like to add one thing, I knew my daughter n law before she ever dated my son & she always said she did NOT want children & if she ever became pregnant,she was giving it to me. I assure you that changed...lol! She met my son became pregnant & now has two beautiful children & is a wonderful mother!! Her kids are her life. She went from never wanting children to a mom that loves & cherishes her children. They are her life!
From: H O
Wait...............that is my advice to you. I am 39 and I have 3 wonderful children. But, I am worn out. I believe your 20s is a time for YOU ...you have SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much time ahead of you. Once you are a mother...that is it.......NO MORE YOU....it is ALWAYS about your children...they will come first for evertything...Concentrate on improving you and fulfilling your personal goals and dreams NOW...because once you have a child...all that is secondary...and you might miss you your chance.. Listen to the little voice inside you.........it is telling you something...All I wanted for Mother's Day was time...time for me...I went in my room for 2 hours alone and that was it...the children started knocking on the door begging for me...and then I was back on "duty" again...
Wait....wait...wait...focus on you....live your dreams NOW...because if you don't you will regret it...Children are great but.....once you are a mom........YES! you are always a mom.......24/7...hope this helps.
From: Marcy L
Hi Jennifer. Being a mom is one of the highest honors in life. You will still be Jennifer, as being a mom doesn't have to take away your identity. The main thing I've learned in being a mom (My kids are 17 and 22)is that I can really trust God with my kids, and with my own desires. Kids are gifts to us for such a short time, as they grow up so fast. So if and when you become a mom, enjoy the moments, don't get caught up in competing with other moms, love your husband in front of your kids, discipline in love, and pray about everything. It won't be easy, but you will learn the most valuable lessons from watching your kids grow and loving on them. Train them, by being an example before them, and praise them often. And finally, be yourself. Continue to date your husband, take up hobbies, develop who you are. This too will bless your kids. Enjoy...
From: Tia P
I think you already have the big picture: once a Mom, always a Mom. Being a Mom has been the hardest, most thankless job I have ever done. It's also the most important job I've ever done.
Did you know that research shows that a couple's happiness in marriage decreases after they start having children? And often doesn't ever return, even after the children leave home (thus divorces after 20-25 years of marriage).
You're so young, you have lots of time to enter the "permanency" of motherhood. I would even say that when you're really ready, you will embrace it BOLDLY, not with trepidation or fear.