I was wiping tears from my cheeks as Rob rushed to get ready for work. He paused a moment. "Do you need me to stay home?"
For half a second, I thought really hard about saying yes. I knew he'd stay home if I asked him to. I had woken up that morning feeling nauseated and dizzy, with the most debilitating cramps I'd had since Westley was born. I was a little better now, standing in the living room eating grapes. But starting my day feeling so unwell had plunged me back into the episode of depression I'd been struggling against for several days. If Rob stayed home, I could go back to bed and feel sorry for myself.
"No, no," I said quickly. "It'll be fine."
Not I'll be fine, because I wasn't sure I would be. But when there's a child who needs to be fed and changed and entertained, at least I have some guidance in terms of what to do. So at least something--it, whatever it is--would be fine.
We watched a lot of Sesame Street and Raffi. I made oatmeal cookies for Rob and Westley, and I let Westley nurse a little extra after his nap. We went to the grocery store for baby powder and soy milk even though we were only sort of close to running out. I let Westley play with his soup, even though it made a huge mess and I would have enjoyed eating it.
Today I'm not sinking down, head first. I think having Westley is a big reason for that. Being depressed when I have to be a parent can make me feel like a shitty parent, but it also forces me to work harder to get around my depression. And that, ultimately, gets me out of the depressive episode faster.
Last night I re-read Jane Roper's essay "Parenting Through Depression," which I think about every time I'm not feeling so mentally well. (And in doing so I am always instantly thankful that Westley is not twins.) I'm especially inspired by Jane's list of reminders to her Depressed Self, particularly the first one:
Yesterday gave me a lot of insight into my depression and how it works. I realized that I need to start thinking about it in different terms, especially now that I'm a parent. My own list of reminders to my Depressed Self now includes Jane's comparison to physical illness, as well as some things I learned after fighting through yesterday (and doing a pretty damned good job):
Do everything you can to keep yourself physically healthy. Your depression is triggered (and worsened) by feeling physically unwell. Continue to take your vitamins, eat whole, unrefined foods, and floss, even if you really don't want to.Get out of the house. Go somewhere where there are other adult humans, preferably strangers or relative strangers. The grocery store is a good choice. So is the park. It's easier to stay depressed around people who know you're depressed.Do not forget that depression is temporary. You have not always felt this way, nor will you always feel this way.Depression alone is not enough to make you a bad mother.
And that last one is crucial to remember. I didn't choose to be depressed, but I do choose what kind of a mother I am. How I feel and how I parent don't have to be connected. The bad-mood-equals-bad-mother equation is a symptom of my depression, not a statement of fact. Parenting is a hard job, so naturally it's going to feel harder when I'm not at my best.
So when I have another day like yesterday (because there will almost certainly be another day like yesterday), I can let myself off the hook a little. I'll do what I can to rest. And I'll rest assured that just because my mood sucks, it doesn't mean that I suck.
