The Transition

When did this happen? It use to be when someone announced their pregnancy I was just glad it wasn’t me. Ok, it wasn’t that bad. Actually, it was more like rolling my eyes and thinking to myself: ‘Another one bites the dust.’ But that sentiment has since taken a one-eighty…

But on the other side of my spectrum it’s not all roses and butterflies either. It’s sadly also a bitter emotion… Jealousy.

When did this happen? I think I missed it… The transition from wanting a successful career more than anything else. From wanting a child (but not in the near future) to wanting a child NOW YESTERDAY. When did this happen?—HOW? What happened to me?!

I’ve had baby fever before. Yes, the bug has bit me, and then I built up an immunity towards it. But now I feel silly when I feel the aching in my stomach as I look at pictures of a newborn baby in her mother’s arms. What happened?!

How did I go from planning my future and goals of things to do with my husband to not wanting to do anything else but make a baby?.. To feeling a pit of depression every time another friend announces their pregnancy.

Who am I to feel that way? It’s not like I’ve been trying to have a child for months or years… Or ever. It’s not like I’m struggling with infertility, and wanting a child longer than all of my friends having children. Granted I have a right to feel this way too, but I seriously feel insane.

I wasn’t going to go for it… Try to bring a child into this world, until I knew I was sure. I couldn’t just try to “see what happens” because that would probably mean baby (yes, for people who don’t want it that’s what happens). To me, you either want it, and are trying, or you don’t try. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t expecting to feel a “maybe sortof” emotion for some time in between.

What happened to the middle ground? Wasn’t there suppose to be some transition here?… You know, don’t want a kid, sorta want a kid, wanting a kid more… more … ok for sure want a kid?

It’s like my maternal desire had been dormant for decades and all of a sudden it has awoken from the tomb inside me and has erupted like a massive volcano.

I’m trying to scrape the lava back inside me with a squeegee but it’s not working. I can’t contain it. I can’t deny it. I want a child, and I want it more than ever.

Can't wait to get this part started!