Friday, April 30, 2010

Hair Removal Before The BIG DAY!

I have yet to go to Brazil but I have had "a taste of Brazil" if you know what I mean (wink wink nudge nudge).

DISCLAIMER: Let's start with saying if you are ulrta-conservative, a member of my family or get bashful when you hear the words "Brazilian Wax" let's save both of us the embarrassment, reading this post probably isn't for you. I'm not a very private person. And I figured I'd give some words of wisdom for my lady friends who may be curious about the same thing.

If you've read my blog awhile and you're familiar with my post "To Brazil and Back" this will be very similar, but now, knowing that my lady parts will soon become a spectacle to many different people I have a different perspective on all of these techniques so I'm adding my "Preggo Commentary"

After watching some very graphic Youtube videos (why do I do this to myself, I don't know) and some even more graphic in my Lamaze class, I'm a little nervous, and I'm wondering what I can do to be a little less uneasy about that idea.

Besides my OB, and before that, my yearly visit to the GYNO no strange person gets to see my whooha. I'll admit, now that I'm pregnant, how things appear "down there" is one of the last things on my mind but as I get closer to D-Day that's starting to change.

We'll start with the problem: Hair. Sometimes ya just don't wait it in certain areas...
I've tried many different tactics to rid myself of the blasted stuff. Remember my birth control post? Well this is going to be a similar but a little less elaborate, oh and maybe more graphic.

I started to consider lazier hair removal but once I heard it was painful and that it's harder on people with dark skin, I put that idea on hold. Here are my other previous-pre-pregnancy attempts.

Pre- Pregnancy: If you're going to try it this way I only suggest you get a mirror, doing the balancing act in front of the bathroom mirror just won't cut it. Plus, you could get hurt! Trust me, slipping and sliding with a razor blade in your hand aimed at very important bodily organs is NOT a good idea.

The results: Nice for about a day then ya feel like a porcupine. A few days later... a porcupine with an itch. I give it /5 stars cause it can be worse.

Preggo: It's a totally different story when you've got a 7-month belly blocking your view of the mirror and everything else... I kind of chalk this up to being too dangerous to try.

Nair/Veet Stuff
.5 /5
Pre-pregnancy: I should have known this wasn't the best idea from the beginning. After spending 20 minutes down the hair removal isle trying to decide whether to get the sensitive skin or bikini.. Finally choosing some kind of sensitive (with aloe vera) I did everything wrong.

... The label says something like 3 minutes. To make sure it worked REALLY well I decided to add another 5--First bad idea.

...The label says to avoid certain sensitive areas and I tried but I just wanted it ALL gone so I gave into my internal temptations and just put it all over--Second bad idea.

...I waited another couple of minuets before really trying to take it all off (tripling the directed time), then got the water really hot-- Third and Fourth bad idea.

...I closed my legs--The WORST idea.

I knew something was wrong when I felt the burning. 'Jump in the tub' was my first though but the water was so hot I didn't know which was burning me more.

Let's just say the next 5-10 minuets of trying to get the stuff off was some of the worst pain I've ever experienced. Every swipe felt like I was peeling my skin off with an acidic rake.

Ladies, I know we're told to keep our legs closed but this is one instance you DON'T want to do it. Or better yet... don't put the stuff there!

I get it .5 stars /5 if you follow the directions.

Preggo: I'm not sure if it's even safe to use while pregnant since you're using all of those chemicals, plus the spell is UGH... it just can't be good. Plus, with my mistakes last time I'd be worried Id' screw up and Spawnie would come out bald.

Smooth Away (as seen on TV)
If you've seen the infomercials for Smooth Away, don't be fooled! They show women softly caressing their legs, zoom in and show a silky smooth leg free from hair. They give you smaller pads to use in "the bikini" area. After trying it on my legs and realizing instead of turning my leg nice, shiny, and smooth it was just smooth and ashy. It also wasn't an easy "wipe on wipe off" motion it was more like "push down real hard and get a workout while trying to wipe the hair away." I seriously can skip an arm workout at the gym after smoothing my legs away. After testing on my legs I realized it doesn't get the hair as close as shaving does, and it makes the area you use it on real tender... I opted not to try it on my goodies.
/5 stars /5 stars for the workout you get while trying.

Preggo: Still not willing to try on my goodies, though I'm sure I should build up some pain tolerance before labor, I'm not sure I want to do it with that.

Pre-Pregnancy: Ok here we go, here's where it gets good. I had always been curious about getting a Brazilian wax. The fact that I have the lowest pain tolerance imaginable kept me from trying it for years. Two things made me brave enough to do it. 1. I found to one of my ultra conservative friends gets one regularly. Waaa? 'If SHE can do it, I can do it,' I thought. 2. It came up in a conversation with one of my girlfriends who had also never had a Brazilian and we decided to take the leap together! We sort of worked as each other's coach.

In preparation I did a lot of research. I came across a story about one woman taking a bite stick in with her. I wanted to do that--Anything that would help. I heard of No Scream Cream but not until after the fact. So I drugged up on ibuprofen and hoped for the best.

Having a friend with me gave me motivation to try not to scream... Or at least not first.

I had never had anything besides my eyebrows waxed before so I had no idea the surprise I was in for. Everyone I'd asked about it said it hurt a lot but said it was worth it. All I kept thinking was 'it had better be!'

The torturer esthetician was nice. She tried to make good conversation but really, all I wanted to do was focus on not screaming.
"Does anyone ever cry?" I asked her.
"Oh no, if you cried I'd feel really bad."

Great... Pressure.
"Well, I've never had anything waxed before. Nothing besides my eyebrows," I told her, hoping to get some sympathy-Permission to cry if need be.

I told her I almost brought a bite stick and she offered me a towel. Great! I'll take it. I shoved the towel in my mouth and braced myself for the unimaginable pain I knew would soon be bestowed upon me.

Now, I'm not sure why they do this but the scenario would go something like this:
"So what are you studying?" She'd ask me, probably trying to lighten the mood, although I was in no mood for talking. Besides, I had the towel in my mouth, remember?

I'd take the towel out, and begin to answer...
"Broadcast..... JOOOOOOOOUUUUURNALISM!!!!" Right as the first, and worst strip of hair was ripped away. Why did she do that? Couldn't she have at least waited for me to put the towel back in my mouth?

I could feel the tears start to form. I felt betrayed.

"Oh yea?" She'd say, and she's ask a series of follow up questions I'd try to answer as quickly as possible as not to be fooled again.

The whole process took about an hour... Yea, an hour of: Question, Ans-RIIIIP!!! wer!!!

I wasn't alone though, my friend said it wasn't easy for her either. After it all I felt accomplished, brave, and like I had achieved a new level of womanhood. I told them all it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but really... It was.

The good news: A month later it was still nice and silky smooth. I looked like a plucked chicken the first couple of days but after the tenderness went away I was LOVIN it! I felt lighter, nicer, cleaner and just better!

I went for a second round but nearly a year later (I tested out those other products in between) and decided/learned it's best to NOT shave between those. Good news though--It only took 15 minutes the last time! I went to a much better salon known for their 15-minute Brazilians.

In the end I recommend finding a GOOD salon for those. Do your research and don't pick some place just cause it's cheap. Take a bite stick or ask for a towel to keep from screaming and prepared to be tricked into answering questions right as they pull the trigger.

Preggo: I really don't know any other way that I can get rid of the stuff unless I have help. I mean, I can't see my TOES for heaven's sakes, much less my lady parts. I'll be dealing with some SERIOUS pain when baby girl is on her way out so maybe I should build up the tolerance now. You know... Like boot camp before the war.

It's a different kind of pain though, that's for sure, and while you're pregnant you're EXTRA sensitive in that area so I'm sure it will only hurt more... Way more. I may even cry. So I'm not sure if it's worth it. I'm also not sure if I'll want a mirror during labor now.

**Additional info for those who have asked**
A Brazilian way takes away ALL the hair I mean Everythang girl! A Playboy takes away everything but what they call a "landing strip" (don't ask me why they call it that) but I guess they leave a little section (which you can actually get designed like a heart or something if you're interested). And yea, you pretty much get totally naked. The first time I went they gave me wannabe panties and moved them from side to side and the second time the lady was like "You might as well take everything off cause I'm gonna see it all anyway." But hey, if you can deliver a baby you can do this, trust me!!

I give Brazilians a /5 because let's face it... It hurts. And the trickery, that's not cool.

For the ladies who have given birth before I'm sure a Brazillian wax would be like NOTHING, but maybe it's not really that big of a deal how ya look "down there." I mean, doctors have seen everything right?