I've Jumped

Thank you so much for all of your congratulating comments and friendly tips and words. You have no idea how grateful I am for me and how much they lift my spirits. I feel like I need to preface this post a little. This blog has never been your average happy go lucky roses and butterflies blog so I hope my honesty doesn't shock you now.

I know it was no naive of me, but I thought when I finally became pregnant I would have no reason to be sad, upset, jealous. I thought I'd be overwhelmed with joy and gratitude and not have enough room for negative emotions.

I'm so grateful for my blessings. For my health, for my wonderful husband, for our growing baby, for clean water and all of the little things I so often take for granted, but I still worry.

I know part of it is my pregnancy hormones. Every emotion--Good or bad is escalated to the extreme. So my joy, my sadness, my fears, my doubts are all magnified.

I worry about things that haven't even happened... Miscarriage, cesareans, postpartum depression, being a bad mother. I worry about all of the complaints and negativity I've heard. While always tagged with "But it's all worth it," I still worry.

I don't understand how one moment I'm so sure I'm ready and excited and wanting this more than anything and the next I'm terrified by the fact that I'm walking down a path I can't turn back from. I've jumped off the cliff. And to make matters worse... I feel completely horrible and guilty for feeling this way. I know so many women who would give their left ovary for my luck, for my condition, and I wouldn't trade it for the world myself... I'm just terrified out of my wits.

On top of that I feel like my baby can feel my every emotion an read my mind. I hope Spawnie knows I want it more than anything and doesn't dwell on the fact that I'm freaking out every now and then too.

Becoming a wife was one thing. It changed the status of my womanhood to a degree. But becoming a mother is a completely different story. I'm not worried about providing for my family, or loosing my freedom, I'm just scared that it's so permanent. I've never lived with one decision for the rest of my life.

Next month I'll be celebrating five years of marriage. Luckily I have a supportive husband, a solid relationship, a desire to be parents. But it's unreal how quickly my daydreams of "what ifs" and "one day"s became here and nows.

No more picturing what our child will look like. Our child is forming, and whether we like it or not it's already got one of our sets of eyes. I just pray Spawnie isn't developing my mood swings.

There's no turning back now, and while part of me is leaping for joy, another smaller part of me is hiding crouched in the corner, arms wrapped around my knees rocking back and forth wondering what I got myself into.