Showers of Love and Fear

My baby shower was Saturday and it was a blast! It was a nice mix of friends from work, church, and even online. My friend Raquel, who I originally met on Twitter came and I was so happy to finally meet her face to face!

I had a couple of sets of baby shower invites for work friends, then family and church friends. Here's one I had made by Storkie. It was fun creating it cause it started out totally different but I was able to select the girl's skin tone, hair color, the balloon color. It was a fun, and I have to give Storkie a big thanks for sponsoring the printing costs! Everyone loved them, they came in the mail SUPER fast, and the process was easy peasy! I recommend them for sure!

When it came to what to wear, I had a big dress dilemma. Remember how I was asking advice for choosing one? Well that dress didn't make it in time, I actually still don't have it. But that's what I get for trying to do it as a review instead of just buying it and getting it in three days. I ended up squeezing into one of my pre-pregnancy dresses, but because of the cut my tummy was able to fit under it just fine.

I got lost of the way to the party, and caught in the rain, but once I got there it was so fun to sit back and enjoy.

My husband was a trooper too. He didn't want to be showered but when I got home I put all of our gifts back in the bags and put the tissue paper over them, then I had him open them up all over again so I could see his reaction.

I have to admit, his reaction wasn't what I was expecting. He was more like "oh, cool" where as I was like "OMG THIS IS SO FREAKING CUTE!!" He asked me why I didn't just show him the stuff, but he was a trooper and played along with my demands request.

Later when I was putting our gifts away I had the strangest feeling come over me... Almost a panic about my daughter surviving. I'm not sure if it's because of all of the sad stories I've read or heard about or what triggered it, or what. I hate feeling like I'm being negative but I can't help it, it's hard to describe.

I wrote a post with a shower summary and explaining more of this feeling on my Parenting blog today, here's a part of it:

Friends threw me a baby shower last weekend, and it was amazing. Friends from different spectrums of my life came to shower me with love and advice. Since we live about a thousand miles from both sides of our family, I didn't have any kin there, but that didn't mean they weren't thinking about us.

Friends from work, friends from church, even a friend I'd made on Twitter celebrated my baby with me.

On the invitation to the party guests were asked to bring a book instead of a card with a cute poem:

"One small request that won't be too hard Please bring a book instead of a card Whether Cat in the Hat or Winnie the Pooh, you can sign the inside cover with a note from you. Baby will become very smart, if my advice you do heed, if we begin early, she'll soon love to read."

I guess my friends thought it was as cute as I did because Baby Girl now has SO many books as a start to her collection. Originally I had planned to put all of the books downstairs on our bookshelf but now I don't have the heart to take them from her room. I'm going to get some new wall bookshelves this week.We played the classic baby shower games: Deciphering melted chocolate from baby diapers, and guessing the size of my belly.One thing I really enjoyed was the advice cards women filled out for me. I smiled as I opened them all later and silently stored the tips one by one in my mind.But as I got home and started unpacking my gifts and organizing Baby Girl's room, the strangest, scariest thought came into my mind: What if she never gets to use these?

A sick feeling swelled in my stomach. I didn't want to think about it.

I've heard of women experiencing postpartum depression and having extreme fear of something bad happening to their child. I all of a sudden am questioning myself for taking gifts out of the box, or pulling the tags off of her clothing items, terrified something bad will happen to her before she ever gets to use it...

This was a part of a post I wrote for my Parenting Magazine Blog on Project Pregnancy. You can read the rest of it here.

I'm really enjoying blogging with them and I'm hoping they keep me on after Spawnie's born so I'd love it if you showed some comment love over there! Thank you!

Becoming Something I'm Not... Yet

Everything I thought I'd ever be... The woman I pictured myself turning into. It's all changing before my eyes.

I wanted to climb the "corporate" ladder so to speak, and be a professional woman. "Lexus before little ones" was my saying. Now, my dreams of an IS250 have been put on hold, indefinitely, until I know which way my life is going... Oh, and until I make enough money.

28 or 29... That was about how old I thought I'd be when I had my first child. Granted I thought I'd be 25 or 26 when I got married. But things changed. I met and married my husband at 18... And I'm pregnant at 23. I'll be a young mother... But family isn't the only aspect of my life that's matured quickly.

I graduated high school a year early, applied and won nearly every broadcast award I entered for in college. Won a record amount of scholarships, and landed jobs many people older than me dreamed of.

I'm not recalling this in a big-headed way, but thinking about the path that I was on. I kept encouraging myself to push on. I am so young, and have so much potential. Imagine what I could do with another 10 years--And I'd only be 33!

I didn't want to fall into the routine of so many women I knew in college. Not that it was a bad thing, but the "trap"... As I saw it then, was to get married, get hypnotized, and get pregnant. Life after that to me seemed to be all poopie diapers and dedication to another human being... Not having much time to develop one's own skills.

I see things a little differently now. Becoming a mother has been something I haven't seen as a burden, but as a gift. But I still wonder what will happen to me.

I always thought one good thing I'd have going for me is the fact that I know who I am as a person, as a woman. I am aware of my likes, dislikes, talents and personality. Motherhood won't be the only thing I've experienced. It won't define me or...Or will it?

What will happen to me once I hold my child in my arms for the first time? Who, and what will I become?

A few months ago I practically turned down an opportunity that fell in my lap because I knew I wanted to pursue a family. Now I catch myself wondering if I made the right decision.

Will I continue to pass up jobs because my dreams for motherhood come first? Knowing the answer to this question is "yes" right now makes me a little sad. I use to have my goals mapped out, and be ahead of the game. Now I feel like I'm loosing headway.

What's happening to my ambition? My drive? My urge to be a successful career woman? I feel like everyone expected so much of me... Expected me to go so far. News of my pregnancy is a shock to them. I feel like a hypocrite.

I want to do it all... But I'm not sure how possible it is at my age to get ahead in my career AND be a young mom. I don't regret my decision, I just wonder where it will take me, and who exactly I'll become.

I've Jumped

Thank you so much for all of your congratulating comments and friendly tips and words. You have no idea how grateful I am for me and how much they lift my spirits. I feel like I need to preface this post a little. This blog has never been your average happy go lucky roses and butterflies blog so I hope my honesty doesn't shock you now.

I know it was no naive of me, but I thought when I finally became pregnant I would have no reason to be sad, upset, jealous. I thought I'd be overwhelmed with joy and gratitude and not have enough room for negative emotions.

I'm so grateful for my blessings. For my health, for my wonderful husband, for our growing baby, for clean water and all of the little things I so often take for granted, but I still worry.

I know part of it is my pregnancy hormones. Every emotion--Good or bad is escalated to the extreme. So my joy, my sadness, my fears, my doubts are all magnified.

I worry about things that haven't even happened... Miscarriage, cesareans, postpartum depression, being a bad mother. I worry about all of the complaints and negativity I've heard. While always tagged with "But it's all worth it," I still worry.

I don't understand how one moment I'm so sure I'm ready and excited and wanting this more than anything and the next I'm terrified by the fact that I'm walking down a path I can't turn back from. I've jumped off the cliff. And to make matters worse... I feel completely horrible and guilty for feeling this way. I know so many women who would give their left ovary for my luck, for my condition, and I wouldn't trade it for the world myself... I'm just terrified out of my wits.

On top of that I feel like my baby can feel my every emotion an read my mind. I hope Spawnie knows I want it more than anything and doesn't dwell on the fact that I'm freaking out every now and then too.

Becoming a wife was one thing. It changed the status of my womanhood to a degree. But becoming a mother is a completely different story. I'm not worried about providing for my family, or loosing my freedom, I'm just scared that it's so permanent. I've never lived with one decision for the rest of my life.

Next month I'll be celebrating five years of marriage. Luckily I have a supportive husband, a solid relationship, a desire to be parents. But it's unreal how quickly my daydreams of "what ifs" and "one day"s became here and nows.

No more picturing what our child will look like. Our child is forming, and whether we like it or not it's already got one of our sets of eyes. I just pray Spawnie isn't developing my mood swings.

There's no turning back now, and while part of me is leaping for joy, another smaller part of me is hiding crouched in the corner, arms wrapped around my knees rocking back and forth wondering what I got myself into.

The Premature Breakdown

I don't know what it was or where it came from, but the conversation of "when"--The official goal-setting timetable of what we want accomplished first and when we hope my Baby Makin' Machine will officially switch "ON"--also turned on the knobs to my water works.

I've always been a big crier, so normally my sudden tears wouldn't surprise my husband too much, but this time it only confused him.

Him: "You're worried you're what?"
Me: *Sniffles*
Him: ???!
Me: "That I'm infertile!!"
Him: "What?!" (tries to stifle a laugh)
Me: "DON'T LAUGH AT ME!"
Him: "Well don't you think it's a little early to be worried about that?"
Me: "I don't know... All of my friends are getting pregnant on accident, and we've been married four and a half years and that hasn't happened to us!"
Him: "So you're worried because your birth control hasn't failed?" (tries to hide a smile)
Me: "Ye--No!"
Him: (Obviously laughing) "You are worried you're infertile because the birth control is doing what it's suppose to do?"
Me: "I don't know!"
Him: "Don't worry about that, it'll all work out. But if you are going to worry about it, at least wait until we're not trying to not get pregnant."

I had thought about it before but never had the worry hit me like I let it this time. We had a serious conversation about "whatifs"-- Though quite early, and probably unnecessary, it was nice to get it all out and talk about options and solutions beforehand.

Unfortunately, we're not the type who will have an in-between period where we'll "not try, not prevent." Both of us are a little too controlling to do that. We either want it or we don't--There's not really anything in-between about it.

Planning so much has really made me think I'm going to be a nutcase when it's time to rock and roll, and I worry that will prohibit me from achieving the ultimate goal...Actually, based on what I've read, I'm pretty sure it will. Getting all of this out made me think I'll be able to be calm and just let things happen. And while I still sometimes worry and think about and try to plan a step ahead of the "whatifs" I've decided to cross that bridge when I actually get there--Even through it's scary not knowing what's on the other side of that bridge.

Are you or were you ever worried about this?--Is it a normal woman thing?