Written October 17th but saved for today.
About a week ago... Several days before I knew I was pregnant (I was thinking I wasn't) I wrote this in my journal:
"I believe there a reason for everything, but I'm still quite confused about one thing.A couple of weeks later, and two days after my BFP I'm thinking "Wow." That's one word to describe the million and one emotions running through my body.
When I was on birth control I wanted to wait until I was emotionally, physically, and for the most part, financially ready to have a child. I was almost fearing it would happen right away because I was a little unsure if I felt completely READY. In the mean time though I felt a good feeling deep within that this was the right thing for me to do right now. I felt good about it, felt that even if I wasn't 100% sure I was ready, everything would fall into place.
In the mean time, through all of my preparations I fell in love with the idea of having a child... And I felt at peace... Even a prompting to move forward.
So now my question is, 'If not now, when?' and if then... Why start trying now? Why did I get the feeling that the time was now if it's not now?
I wish I just knew when I was really suppose to become a mom so I could save myself some grief. ... Or maybe my grief is all a part of the plan, I don't know."
It's all a part of the plan right? I wouldn't have tried to raised $1000 for a charity had I not been so upset after the first month, maybe that was part of it? I'm sure it's 1. To show me I'm not in control, and 2. Maybe to help someone else in the process?
I don't know all of the answers, and I'm afraid to guess because who knows what's around the NEXT corner.
