Not pregnant. Just fat

Question: If a friend of yours exclaimed that she ripped her jeans would your first reaction be to ask if she's pregnant?

I'm asking because this happened to me, and it's the second time this question has come up (my husband's funeral is next week) and I'm really starting to feel self conscious.

First of all, breastfeeding ain't helping me loose weight. I mean, I know I shouldn't rely on it to do all of the work for me but I have to admit, that was one perk I was looking forward to that I don't seem to be reaping the benefits of.

Next, I'm extremely bloated. Like so bloated I'm always sucking my stomach in when I'm wearing tight shirts to keep myself from looking pregnant. I need a girdle people.

I walked by a wall of mirrors at Hobby Lobby a couple of months ago and wondered if I was starting at carnival mirrors. Seriously? Is my gut that huge? I snapped this photo and texted it to a friend freaking out, wondering if maybe I was actually pregnant with twins last year but one didn't come out yet and is just really really overdue.

I took a pregnancy test to be sure.

Negative.

I'm a hypochondriac, so even though I'm breastfeeding, not ovulating, on birth control, and can't get pregnant from making out, I still worry I am. Why else would I look this way? Why did I manage to wear my size 4 jeans through my entire pregnancy but rip them last week?

Why, even though I'm eating less cheeseburgers and french fries than I have in years and actually cooking home cooked meals, do I have a beer belly? I've never even tasted beer (unless you count root beer)!

Why are my workouts with baby not slimming me down? Now I've gotta run too? Like real, hard, exercise? Yuck!

I took two more pregnancy tests to be sure.

Still negative.

I once saw a guy on the Discovery channel that had elephantitis and his face got really really big. Maybe I have that in my stomach?

I was hoping I'd have an excuse. But I'm not pregnant. And I don't have elephantitis. I'm just fat.

I'm no longer in denial. It's time I do something drastic. Commit myself to something. A gym pass just won't cut it. It's not enough to motivate me. I think I'll join Stroller Strides. It's not Jenny Craig, Weight or Watchers, but it's cheaper than getting lipo.

The Trips to Brazil and Back

I have yet to go out of the country but I have had "a taste of Brazil" if you know what I mean (wink wink nudge nudge). First off, let's star with saying if you are ulrta-conservative, a member of my family or get bashful when you hear the words "Brazilian Wax" let's save both of us the embarrassment, reading this post probably isn't for you. Obviously, I'm not a very private person. And I figured I'd give some words of wisdom for my lady friends who may be curious about the same thing.

Besides my yearly visit to the GYNO no strange person gets to see my whooha. I have a feeling when you're pregnant how you're looking "down there" is one of the last things on your mind but just in case I get self conscious, and for kicks and giggles, I've decided to do some experimenting myself... Ya know, kind of like a buy it and try it, except with LOTS of trial and error with one goal in mind...

We'll start with the problem: Hair. Sometimes ya just don't wait it in certain areas...
I've tried many different tactics to rid myself of the blasted stuff. Remember my birth control post? Well this is going to be a similar but a little less elaborate, oh and maybe more graphic.

I started to consider lazier hair removal but once I heard it was painful and that it's harder on people with dark skin, I put that idea on hold. Here are my other attempts.

Shaving
/5

If you're going to try it this way I only suggest you get a mirror, doing the balancing act in front of the bathroom mirror just won't cut it. Plus, you could get hurt! Trust me, slipping and sliding with a razor blade in your hand aimed at very important bodily organs is NOT a good idea.

The results: Nice for about a day then ya feel like a porcupine. A few days later... a porcupine with an itch. I give it /5 stars cause it can be worse.

Nair/Veet Stuff
.5 /5

I should have known this wasn't the best idea from the beginning. After spending 20 minutes down the hair removal isle trying to decide whether to get the sensitive skin or bikini.. Finally choosing some kind of sensitive (with aloe vera) I did everything wrong.

... The label says something like 3 minutes. To make sure it worked REALLY well I decided to add another 5--First bad idea.

...The label says to avoid certain sensitive areas and I tried but I just wanted it ALL gone so I gave into my internal temptations and just put it all over--Second bad idea.

...I waited another couple of minuets before really trying to take it all off (tripling the directed time), then got the water really hot-- Third and Fourth bad idea.

...I closed my legs--The WORST idea.

I knew something was wrong when I felt the burning. 'Jump in the tub' was my first though but the water was so hot I didn't know which was burning me more.

Let's just say the next 5-10 minuets of trying to get the stuff off was some of the worst pain I've ever experienced. Every swipe felt like I was peeling my skin off with an acidic rake.

Ladies, I know we're told to keep our legs closed but this is one instance you DON'T want to do it. Or better yet... don't put the stuff there!

I get it .5 stars /5 if you follow the directions

Smooth Away (as seen on TV)
/5

If you've seen the infomercials for Smooth Away, don't be fooled! They show women softly caressing their legs, zoom in and show a silky smooth leg free from hair. They give you smaller pads to use in "the bikini" area. After trying it on my legs and realizing instead of turning my leg nice, shiny, and smooth it was just smooth and ashy. It also wasn't an easy "wipe on wipe off" motion it was more like "push down real hard and get a workout while trying to wipe the hair away." I seriously can skip an arm workout at the gym after smoothing my legs away. After testing on my legs I realized it doesn't get the hair as close as shaving does, and it makes the area you use it on real tender... I opted not to try it on my goodies.
/5 stars /5 stars for the workout you get while trying.

Waxing
/5

Ok here we go, here's where it gets good. I had always been curious about getting a Brazilian wax. The fact that I have the lowest pain tolerance imaginable kept me from trying it for years. Two things made me brave enough to do it. 1. I found to one of my ultra conservative friends gets one regularly. Waaa? 'If SHE can do it, I can do it,' I thought. 2. It came up in a conversation with one of my girlfriends who had also never had a Brazilian and we decided to take the leap together! We sort of worked as each other's coach.

In preparation I did a lot of research. I came across a story about one woman taking a bite stick in with her. I wanted to do that--Anything that would help. I heard of No Scream Cream but not until after the fact. So I drugged up on ibuprofen and hoped for the best.

Having a friend with me gave me motivation to try not to scream... Or at least not first.

I had never had anything besides my eyebrows waxed before so I had no idea the surprise I was in for. Everyone I'd asked about it said it hurt a lot but said it was worth it. All I kept thinking was 'it had better be!'

The torturer esthetician was nice. She tried to make good conversation but really, all I wanted to do was focus on not screaming.
"Does anyone ever cry?" I asked her.
"Oh no, if you cried I'd feel really bad."

Great... Pressure.
"Well, I've never had anything waxed before. Nothing besides my eyebrows," I told her, hoping to get some sympathy-Permission to cry if need be.

I told her I almost brought a bite stick and she offered me a towel. Great! I'll take it. I shoved the towel in my mouth and braced myself for the unimaginable pain I knew would soon be bestowed upon me.

Now, I'm not sure why they do this but the scenario would go something like this:
"So what are you studying?" She'd ask me, probably trying to lighten the mood, although I was in no mood for talking. Besides, I had the towel in my mouth, remember?

I'd take the towel out, and begin to answer...
"Broadcast..... JOOOOOOOOUUUUURNALISM!!!!" Right as the first, and worst strip of hair was ripped away. Why did she do that? Couldn't she have at least waited for me to put the towel back in my mouth?

I could feel the tears start to form. I felt betrayed.

"Oh yea?" She'd say, and she's ask a series of follow up questions I'd try to answer as quickly as possible as not to be fooled again.

The whole process took about an hour... Yea, an hour of: Question, Ans-RIIIIP!!! wer!!!

I wasn't alone though, my friend said it wasn't easy for her either. After it all I felt accomplished, brave, and like I had achieved a new level of womanhood. I told them all it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but really... It was.

The good news: A month later it's still nice and silky smooth. I looked like a plucked chicken the first couple of days but after the tenderness went away I was LOVIN it! I felt lighter, nicer, cleaner and just better!

I recently went for a second round but nearly a year later (I tested out those other products in between) and decided/learned it's best to NOT shave between those. Good news though--It only took 15 minutes the last time! I went to a much better salon known for their 15-minute Brazilians.

In the end I recommend finding a GOOD salon for those. Do your research and don't pick some place just cause it's cheap. Take a bite stick or ask for a towel to keep from screaming and prepared to be tricked into answering questions right as they pull the trigger.

**Additional info for those who have asked**

A Brazilian way takes away ALL the hair I mean Everythang girl! A Playboy takes away everything but what they call a "landing strip" (don't ask me why they call it that) but I guess they leave a little section (which you can actually get designed like a heart or something if you're interested). And yea, you pretty much get totally naked. The first time I went they gave me wannabe panties and moved them from side to side and the second time the lady was like "You might as well take everything off cause I'm gonna see it all anyway." But hey, if you can deliver a baby you can do this, trust me!!

I give Brazilians a /5 because let's face it... It hurts. And the trickery, that's not cool.

The Stripper Stint

As I've said before... I don't particularly like to exercise. I don't find it fun, it's hard and often boring to me. Lately I've discovered Exercise on Demand and it's changing my life! One program it has is "Carmen Electra's Striptease Workouts"! It brought flashbacks of last summer when I decided to become a stripper. I was working in Atlanta, GA for the summer and missing my husband, who was still in Utah. Here's the experience I documented:

***July 17th 2007 at 9:33 PM***

Dear Diary,

I never exercise, I hate it. A gym pass would be worthless to me because I know I’d never go. I hate running, I’m convinced I was born with shin splits, and I can’t run 20 yards without getting a side ache. I've been told it's because of my breathing or because of my shoes but practicing "in through the nose, out through the mouth" and a nice pair of shoes later the aces are still there.

I think workout tapes are pretty cheesy but I know if I could find one that looks fun I’d probably try it. By recommendation I was turned on to Carmen Electra’s “Aerobic Striptease Workout DVD’s” I’m too indecisive to just pick one so I bought the whole box set. I gave my husband a quick call to make sure I had his approval.

“Hey honey, you know how I never exercise?”
“Yea?”
“Well, I found some DVD’s that I think will help me to exercise, I promise I’ll use them.”
“Oh yea?”
“Yea, it’s ‘Carmen Electra’s stripping workout DVD’s”
“Ok, get it!”
“Really? It’s $37 is that ok?”
“Oh yea, that’s fine, go ahead and get it!”

That went easier than I thought.That night I watched the run through of each of the routines at a friend’s house. We both laughed and said we’d try it that weekend.

You know how a lot of times when we say we’re going to do something… And turn over a new leaf we have to go all out? Like, when men say they’re going to fix up the yard so they go out and buy a new lawn mower and all new lawn equipment? Or when they say they’re going to repair something and they go and by a whole new tool set to do it? Well, the same concept goes here. I had to get a stripper pole.

The next day I began researching stripper poles. I found they ran between $85 and $300. I looked into the $85 one. I called the husband again and convinced him I HAD to have a pole to get really get into this exercise thing. “Perfect” I thought. It comes apart into three pieces (easy to transport back to Utah), and I can buy it at a Spencer’s store here and practice on it.

Despite the mixed reviews saying it’s a great party feature, while not very stable I took my chances. At the check out line I was very adamant about making sure I could return the item if it didn’t work how I wanted it to. “

No problem, so long as all of the pieces are inside the box.”Great, I took it home (to another friends house) and temporarily installed it.

“Dangit,” I screamed. “It only goes up to 8 feet six inches. How tall is your ceiling?” I demanded. “Nine feet,” my friend told me. I immediately got on the phone and called my husband.
“How tall are our bedroom ceilings?”
“???…I don’t know.”
“Well, what’s your guess?” I pressed.
“....Ummm…”
“Think it’s 9 feet?”
“Oh, no, it’s not that tall”
“Are you sure?”
“Yea”
"Ok thanks.”

I moved the pole to a lower ceiling in my friend’s apartment… the hallway was a good testing height. I extended it to meet the ceiling, tightened it and made sure it was straight. Once I was satisfied I decided to take it for a spin. I put my leg around the pole and… SMMMMMMAAASH down it comes… I tried it again and got the same result. So back in the box my pole went.

I immediately began searching for another pole. $50 on Craigslist, a tall black stripper pole that’s “suction mounted." She's selling it because her ceilings are too tall... Good reason, it makes me feel a little better knowing it hasn't been through too much already (or so I hope).

I email her and get a response the next day. I’ve decided to return the Peekabo Pole to Spencer’s the next day.

***The next day***

I’m next in line at Spencer’s when another employee comes up to me with a 'what are you doing here' look on her face.

“Can I help you?” She asks me.
“Yea, I just want to return this.”
“You can’t return that it’s an adult item....”

I’m going to spare you this whole conversation but basically, my normal timid/non-confrontational self would have walked away and started crying but this time I went off. I was not about to loose $85 for a piece of crap... Besides, what am I going to do with TWO stripper poles?

Long story short, I was able to return the item for a full refund… On a Spencer’s gift card (never use your debit car at Spencer’s cause they won’t give you cash back unless you ring it up as credit.) I sold the card on eBay for $75. I could take loosing $10, no biggie.

Meanwhile, I have this other Long-A stripper pole I bought from a lady in Atlanta sticking out from the trunk of my car through to the drivers seat. I bring it inside to experiment but I soon find my ceilings are too short. The woman I bought it from said it was 7 feet tall. I took in into the carport (no... not a garage, so all of the neighbors were watching me install my stripper pole in my driveway) and extend it to the ceiling there. I get it to stay and I tug a little. I wasn’t totally satisfied. I went into the house and grabbed a bar stool. I came back out, stood up on the stool and leaped for the pole… Imitating what a fireman (not stripper) would do. It was still standing!! I know the people across the street had to have been wondering what the heck I was doing but I didn't care. I am so happy at this point. I lean the pole up against my bedroom wall for a few weeks and finally one weekend I get ready to mail it home.

I go to USPS and ask if they have any 7 feet tall boxes.—They don’t. And they can’t mail anything that tall either, so I go to the UPS store. The guy at the counter was already in a bad mood… I could tell when I walked in, no smile, no “how are you?” just a grumpy “I’ll be with you in a moment.” I proceed to ask him if he has any boxes 7 feet tall.

“No, but I can make one,” he said. “What are you mailing?”
“A pole.”
“How big is it?”I hold out my hangs in a circle, trying to demonstrate its circumference.“I can go get it for you,” I told him.

He just kind of nodded, but I went out and got it. I brought it in and he stared at me like I was crazy.

“What is this, some kind of pole to hold a truck up?” He asked me.
“No... It's just a pole” I was reluctant to tell him the truth.

He asks me how valuable it is (I guess it's some shipping question). I tell him $50, and he gives me a weird look. He measures the pole and it comes to 110 inches. I have no clue how tall that is.
“Eight feet five inches,” he tells me.

'Seven feet my A' was my first thought... The girl who sold me the pole was just trying to get rid of it!'Ok, cool, mail it!' I’m thinking. But he doesn’t look too happy. I tell him I still want it mailed and he takes it back to the back to make me a special box.

“I’m curious as hell to know what this is and why it’s not very valuable." It wasn't a direct question so I ignored it, hoping he'd drop it."What is this?” He finally just asked.

Poor guy, I didn’t want him to think I was some kind of terrorist so I confessed.

“Well, my husband lives in Utah...” I’m trying to think of a way to put it. “And… Well… It’s a stripper pole, and he didn’t want to drive home with it so I’m mailing it.”
“Oh.” Is all I get from him.
“So now you’ve seen it all huh?” I ask.
“Oh no, I’ve seen a lot weirder.” I was hoping he’d give me an example to make me feel better but he didn’t.

So there went another $70 for shipping ($30 for actual shipping and $35 for making my a custom box).

***Later that week***

I’m “exercising” I’m learning a chair dance Carmen promises will get my husband off the couch and in the bedroom. It’s about 2 o’clock in the morning. I live in a duplex and I’m trying to keep really quiet so I don’t wake up the guy next door.

So Carmen is telling me to sit on the chair then lean back and put my feet in the air and toggle them back and forth... It's hard to explain... But anyway, I have one of my hands on the ground to keep my balance (and that's what she's doing too). Now she’s telling me to make sure I keep my butt centered on the chair so I don’t loose my balance and fall over. Now I’m thinking ‘how am I going to loose my balance when my hand is on the floor?’ Well, I don’t understand physics, and I hate it anyway, and no sooner than that question came to my mind, next thing I know WHHHHHAAAAAAM!!

It’s the loudest noise I’ve ever heard, and I’m on the ground, chair and all on top of me. I could have sworn my butt broke through the hard wood floor cause I hit it so hard. My immediate reaction was silence—I was praying my neighbor didn’t hear. I was imagining hearing him getting up and yelling to me, asking what happened, and I really didn’t want to explain to him that I had just lost my balance and fell off my chair while I was practicing a lap dance routine.

I sat there for a few moments in silence (well, besides the sound of Carmen, she was still going) then I started to laugh. I turned the DVD off… I was done for the night.

**Now**

As I read this right now for the first time since I posted it last year I laugh at my dedication. Just like the unfinished handy projects and resolutions husbands and wives make to take better care of things around the house... I fell through with my determination to be my husband's stripper. But who knows, it's 2009. Perhaps I'll add it to my list of resolutions.

The Things I'll Miss Pt.2

Need I say more?

The Update Part 1

Here's an update on my previous challenges (cooking and jogging):
I suck.... I ran once this last week and haven't cooked yet. Cooking is just REALLY hard for me. I printed out all of these yummy recipes that seemed like they'd be easy to cook, but I got SO overwhelmed and got a headache just trying to figure out what was what at the store. Basically anything that needs more than five ingredients is out of the picture for me right now. I bought a couple of boxed dinners that have the stuff you need... Chicken, parmesan sauce, and all that extra stuff separated into different baggies. Then on the box it takes me through step by step how to make it. I know it's pathetic, but seriously that's all I can do... And I haven't even done THAT yet!! I'm making the chicken parmesan tonight though. I'll let you know how it goes.

Meanwhile, please let me know your favorite EASY (key word there) recipes. I'm seriously going to take baby steps with this cooking thing.

PS: Everyone keeps telling me about allrecipes.com but I can't seem to find the easy section... where's that?

The Workout

According to a medical advisory board it's a good idea to create and follow an exercise program. "Start and stick to a fitness plan now and you'll be rewarded with a healthy body that's fit for pregnancy," they tell me.

So you're telling me if I do some yoga now I'll still be able to put my shoes and socks on by myself up to the time that I pop? That's not a bad idea!

Since I don't get much of a workout right now my goal is to make up a plan is to eventually do Yoga once a week then an hour walk/jog on the days I'm not yogaing. For now I'll start with a half hour walk/jog with my dog Snoop.

Babies or no babies it's a good idea to get in shape and that's the second challenge I'm giving myself.