The Trip--Part 3: The Decision

If you missed it or are new, here are parts one and two of "the trip that could change my life."

St. Maarten. My husband is no stranger to this island. In the first third of my trip I was feeling the urge. The second part... Not so much. In this third and final part our our getaway my eyes were opened.

On the third to last day of the cruise we stopped in the beautiful island of St. Maarten. My husband lived there for 6 months on his mission so a lot of it to him felt like dejavu. He showed me around the streets of the small island and when we passed an alleyway we couldn't resist going to look at the pretty clear ocean and the beautiful white sand. Then when we got there we couldn't resist the jet skis... Something he couldn't experience while he was doing his two years.

It was an exhilarating experience, probably the most fun we've both had. I'd never ridden jet skis before and he's never tried them in the ocean. We took turns driving each other through the waves, but carefully enough not to tip over (is that even possible? We were scared it was).

Later that afternoon we rented a four wheeler and I got a personal tour of the island. We found his old missionary apartment and ate Roti at a Trinidadian stand.... Pure B L I S S ! !

The next few evenings were fun, but they didn't live up to that day in St. Maarten. Our last night we were alone at our dinner table. I was tearing up knowing our trip was coming to an end. I fell in love with our waiters from Indonesia. I don't think I'll ever forget Katut and Made... They made my week! Katut told us about his two daughters and Made told us about his new wife. He said she was working now but when they had kids she would stay home. "Women have special feelings, special love," he said. He expressed how important it was for women, where he was from, to be there for their children because they have nurturing qualities men don't have. I could agree.

I teared up thinking about the hard work and dedication these men put in, and all the time spent away from their families to put food on the table. What dedication and selflessness. It really made me think about my many blessings. I get to see my husband everyday. I have a job I enjoy and have the opportunity to get online and blog every night... Sharing my hobby or writing and ranting with the world.

We may not have much when we have kids but I think I could be ok with that. Seeing them really inspired me to get my priorities straight and think about my future as a mother.

So in conclusion, I'm inconclusive. It was a life changing trip in that I fell in love with my husband all over again, it was what a I needed... An escape, a getaway. It gave me 24/7 attention with the man of my dreams and motivated me to be a better wife. It also gave me a lot more questions about motherhood to look out ladies, I'm back!

The Trip--Chapter 2

As we waited for the illusionist show to start the announcer said they were playing one more game of BINGO, the winner would get $1000. My husband told me to get a card so I did. He thought it was free, it wasn't. Sometimes my life feels like BINGO... A game of chance. It cost $20 for that BINGO card... We lost. And boy did it suck.

****

I woke up thinking of only one thing. I want a baby. It was almost as if a gravitational force was pulling my brain in the direction of ONLY baby thoughts. The Urge was back, and it wasn't going away. Here I was in paradise, and I was nearly brought to tears every time I saw a small child.

"A Fun Day at Sea" is what Carnival cruise lines calls the days this ship doesn't dock at an island and offers a plethora of food and activities on board. A schedule is placed on our bed the night before with an hour by hour list of things to do. Dancing, water fights, scrap booking, bear making, putting contests, basketball. We agreed on food, sleep, gym, dancing, and dodge ball. I was the only woman playing dodge ball but trust me, I represent.

When it was all said and done I had a lot of "thinking time" on those days at sea, and I think a lot. And when I think a lot and don't have an outlet (ahem, such as blogging) I blurt it all out vocally.

I try not to bring all the baby talk up to the husband... He's ridden my roller coaster ride of mind and mood swings a long long time and I try my best to keep my urges to myself. This part of the trip though, I couldn't help it. Poor guy. Everything was "I want our kids to do this" or "think our kids will like that?" Then "When?..." "...Why not?" "How come?..." So much for romance and love talk.

One afternoon while I was basking in the sun on the ship, listening to the Caribbean music I glanced over and noticed a little boy, who couldn't even have been two, dancing... More like bobbing or bouncing to the music. I see kids do this all the time but this was just the cutest thing. I had to get a hold of myself, I was turning into mush.

As we were laying there my wandering eyes veered off in another direction and I noticed another group of children. They looked to be between the ages of six and 10. And that's when I was slapped in the face with another realization. My gaze paced back and forth between the toddler and the kids and I thought I don't want that. The baby-Yes, toddler-Sure, but adolescents? I don't think so.

All this time I've been googly-eyed over pregnant bellies and wobbly little ones, not kids that can talk back to me, argue with me, one day become teenagers and hate me, later forgive me then go away to college and leave me! I just graduated from college myself, I'm not ready to raise my own kid to grow up and go to college!

Ok, so this all happens in a span of 20 or so years but still! I can't help but wonder if that's why so many of my friends, and many of fellow blog friends have the urge for more... THE LITTLE ONES are the fun and cute ones! Once the others turn two or so it's time for another infant! What's up with that?!

I thought of all of these things as I watched the little dancing boy, his proud parents behind him, and the now gathering crowd cheering him on. Looking at the older kids playing in the pool I noticed their parents weren't cheering them on, watching their tricks or even watching them with those adoring eyes. When does that transformation happen? It is like the child that begs for a puppy and loves it until it's grown then begs for another PUPPY?

I closed my eyes and thought more about what I really wanted and what I was really ready for, and felt a slight sting of regret for bringing up the almost-too-often roller coaster discussion of childrearing.

The Trip--Parte Uno

As we're waiting to board our flight from Austin to Orlando an older man approaches me an asks: "Excuse me miss. Do you happen to know what the abbreviation L-M-A-O stands for?"

I stared at him for a moment trying to figure out if he's being serious. "Yes," I confirmed. He waited for a more specific answer, so I gave in.
"Laughing My Ass Off." I told him.
"Oh," he chuckled. "So it's kind of an extension of Laughing Out Loud?"
"Yea..."

That's when I knew this was going to be an interesting vacation.

We arrived and went through the check-in process fairly quickly. Then it was time to strut my stuff and eat all I could.

The days and nights of being with the hub-a-lub 24/7 were NOT taken for granted. I'm talking no interruptions, made our own schedule, did whatever the heck we wanted with no worries in the back of our minds kind of FUN. Trust me, I did not take that for granted for one second.

We woke up early, ate breakfast, then strolled the streets of the Bahamas, snorkeled and kayaked in the beautiful blue waters.

We shopped, we talked, we ate, slept, then later we danced and ate some more. And this wasn't just any food. I'm talking four to five course meal ranging from the most delicious steak you'd ever sink your teeth into, to the most delicate and delightful lobster tail you'd ever taste. Oh, and don't forget the chocolate melting cake for dessert... My FAVORITE!

We did go to the gym... Ok I only went once, it was dreadful. But I did play dodgeball with the boys! Our team barely lost the matches 3-4.

Sunday, the second night was the Night of Elegance. I loved getting dressed to the nine and showing off my hunk. We stood out because we were so young compared to most of the other couples (no joke, I think the average age on this ship was 50), and we... Well, we stand out.

The first few days I didn't have an ounce of envy for the families I saw scrambling around. I saw kids running rampid, stress on mothers' faces. Things I can happily wait years to deal with.

But around the third night my attitude began to change. I scanned through the pictures from the few days before and stopped at this one. A picture we took during sunset on the Night of Elegance. "I look like a grown woman." I thought aloud. I feel and am very young but I was surprised at my happiness in the fact that I'm beginning to look as mature as I sometimes feel. Maybe it was the shadows, or the dress I was wearing. Or perhaps it was the handsome man I was posing with. Whatever it was, it made this the first picture I've seen of myself where I feel as if I look like I could be a mom.

That night I fell asleep dreaming of a child of our own.