The Talk

After my last post I really started to think... A lot. And the more I thought about it the more I talked about it, and the more I talked about it the more emotional I got. I'm not sure if my hormones are going haywire or if it's just me but my mind has shifted from thinking about "the urge" to thinking more seriously about the whole baby makin' thing. I'm looking more seriously at my baby bucket list thing now too because the time line which I pictured myself being able to complete it is quickly shrinking. That's right... You're eyes aren't betraying you, I think I really will need to start looking for one of those time lines with sperm swimming towards an egg. No, I'm not kidding if you find one let me know, I want it... Because I may be exchanging my remanding 2 years of birth control for something a little less effective. I'm not going to say when in case I change my mind tomorrow. But if I find that widget I keep talking about maybe I will. *smile* Ok, maybe not.

But I am excited, because now I feel like I have a date... A plan, and this whole parenting this is starting to feel less like an "us vs them" thing to me, and more like a reality. One thing that was left in the comments section that really struck me was "I think it's one of those things of when you're ready, you'll know," The Blond Duck said. "Kinda of like getting married. You want to be as sure as you were walking down the aisle."

That really struck home with me. Never have I been so sure about something in my life more than I'm sure of marrying my husband. I know there's a difference between being nervous and scared, and being unsure. I'm not feeling unsure, not this time--But that is scary.

Hmm, the more I think about it the more I think I may not tell you when it's baby makin' time because then there's no surprise! I like surprises! Plus, I think if I talk about it too much I'll either 1. Not be able to get pregnant for like 6 six years or 2. It will be LAME when I do, because it'll just be like "Finally... You've been talking about it forever!"

I will tell you it's not like tomorrow or anything... And if things don't take right away we'll be cool with that too. And hopefully I won't change my mind tomorrow.

Hmm, what do you think? Did you share your baby makin' timeline?

Oh, but I have to tell you a funny story but warning: it could be TMI.

When we were having this "Talk" hubby said "Well, we're going to have to start doing it more cause at this rate it would take us about eight years."

The Shocking News

I had a dream the other night about a friend of mine... A friend at work being pregnant. I told her a few days later about my dream, about how real it felt and how sure I was that she could have been pregnant. We talk about kids, babies a lot. Our baby itch, and urges. I was sure that's why I was having the dream. For kicks and giggles we looked up the meaning for dreaming about friends being pregnant and couldn't find any. A few days later I think I found the meaning...

Another friend of mine...One of my closest, best friends told me she's pregnant. My dream was the same day she found out. She also swore me to secrecy. She's only told another mutual friend and her husband the news, and she's terrified. I couldn't believe it, but the first emotion that surged through my body was jealousy. The second, only a millisecond later was extreme excitement. I couldn't believe it. But really... She was one of the last people I thought I'd cross off my "cool list." I really thought I'd have a child before her so this is probably some of the biggest news I've heard in a long time.

She's married. We've hung out together as couples and done things in the past. She and I have talked a little about kids... We both have a lot in common and waiting to have kids is/was a common denominator.

She told me how this came as a surprise to her. She missed a week of birth control, awaiting a new pack. Then went back on, but didn't use another form of BC during the first week back on it. She thought they'd be fine but apparently she's pretty fertile.

I'm so excited for her, and I am also spontaneously turning into an emotional wreck. She told me while I was at work, and an hour or two later it just hit me. It was so bad, I choked up while I was anchoring! No seriously, I was struggling through one of my scripts and had a hard time pulling it together. Luckily I was talking about death and fires so it sort of fit, but I had to get a grip before the cheery Valentines stuff.

I've already taken the roll of being her never-been-pregnant not-even-a-mom advisor. I'm practically planning her baby shower already! I'm really excited for her. She told me she doesn't know anyone her age with kids and I told her she should come to my church ;o) (If you're LDS you know what I mean).

She also said she's really nervous about providing for her child, continuing her career, gaining weight... A lot of things I've mentioned here. And while she told me she wished she had been thinking about the same things I've been thinking of the past year I just sat, listening, and wishing I was in her shoes. Yea, it'll be hard, it'll be a struggle, and you weren't expecting it. But it happened! What are you going to do? All you can do is be happy now!

I think I'm emotional because I'm shocked... I didn't expect it. And because we are SO much alike--Knowing she's having a child now makes me think I could do it. I think I'm jealous because getting pregnant unexpectedly takes so much pressure off. You just have to go with it. I think I'm a little pissed too... No wait, I think that's just the jealousy talking.

What has gotten into me?! Am I actaully saying I want one because she's having one? Seriously? WTF? I think it's more that that but I can't explain it. Can anyone explain this emotion? If I want a freakin' baby I can have a freakin' baby, so why am I jealous someone else, one of my best friends beat me to it?

So I just thought I'd journal about this extreme turn of events that's left me shocked, and feeling a hint of whiplash from my change in desires and decisions.

And seriously, if one more person tells me they're pregnant right now, I think I may punch them something...

Just kidding.

...Sortof. I may just scream and cry in my pillow.

The Words Aren't Needed...

Oh the temptation! WARNING: Don't bring your babies to work unless you want me to plot ways to steal them!!

The Trip--Part 3: The Decision

If you missed it or are new, here are parts one and two of "the trip that could change my life."

St. Maarten. My husband is no stranger to this island. In the first third of my trip I was feeling the urge. The second part... Not so much. In this third and final part our our getaway my eyes were opened.

On the third to last day of the cruise we stopped in the beautiful island of St. Maarten. My husband lived there for 6 months on his mission so a lot of it to him felt like dejavu. He showed me around the streets of the small island and when we passed an alleyway we couldn't resist going to look at the pretty clear ocean and the beautiful white sand. Then when we got there we couldn't resist the jet skis... Something he couldn't experience while he was doing his two years.

It was an exhilarating experience, probably the most fun we've both had. I'd never ridden jet skis before and he's never tried them in the ocean. We took turns driving each other through the waves, but carefully enough not to tip over (is that even possible? We were scared it was).

Later that afternoon we rented a four wheeler and I got a personal tour of the island. We found his old missionary apartment and ate Roti at a Trinidadian stand.... Pure B L I S S ! !

The next few evenings were fun, but they didn't live up to that day in St. Maarten. Our last night we were alone at our dinner table. I was tearing up knowing our trip was coming to an end. I fell in love with our waiters from Indonesia. I don't think I'll ever forget Katut and Made... They made my week! Katut told us about his two daughters and Made told us about his new wife. He said she was working now but when they had kids she would stay home. "Women have special feelings, special love," he said. He expressed how important it was for women, where he was from, to be there for their children because they have nurturing qualities men don't have. I could agree.

I teared up thinking about the hard work and dedication these men put in, and all the time spent away from their families to put food on the table. What dedication and selflessness. It really made me think about my many blessings. I get to see my husband everyday. I have a job I enjoy and have the opportunity to get online and blog every night... Sharing my hobby or writing and ranting with the world.

We may not have much when we have kids but I think I could be ok with that. Seeing them really inspired me to get my priorities straight and think about my future as a mother.

So in conclusion, I'm inconclusive. It was a life changing trip in that I fell in love with my husband all over again, it was what a I needed... An escape, a getaway. It gave me 24/7 attention with the man of my dreams and motivated me to be a better wife. It also gave me a lot more questions about motherhood to look out ladies, I'm back!

The Trip--Chapter 2

As we waited for the illusionist show to start the announcer said they were playing one more game of BINGO, the winner would get $1000. My husband told me to get a card so I did. He thought it was free, it wasn't. Sometimes my life feels like BINGO... A game of chance. It cost $20 for that BINGO card... We lost. And boy did it suck.

****

I woke up thinking of only one thing. I want a baby. It was almost as if a gravitational force was pulling my brain in the direction of ONLY baby thoughts. The Urge was back, and it wasn't going away. Here I was in paradise, and I was nearly brought to tears every time I saw a small child.

"A Fun Day at Sea" is what Carnival cruise lines calls the days this ship doesn't dock at an island and offers a plethora of food and activities on board. A schedule is placed on our bed the night before with an hour by hour list of things to do. Dancing, water fights, scrap booking, bear making, putting contests, basketball. We agreed on food, sleep, gym, dancing, and dodge ball. I was the only woman playing dodge ball but trust me, I represent.

When it was all said and done I had a lot of "thinking time" on those days at sea, and I think a lot. And when I think a lot and don't have an outlet (ahem, such as blogging) I blurt it all out vocally.

I try not to bring all the baby talk up to the husband... He's ridden my roller coaster ride of mind and mood swings a long long time and I try my best to keep my urges to myself. This part of the trip though, I couldn't help it. Poor guy. Everything was "I want our kids to do this" or "think our kids will like that?" Then "When?..." "...Why not?" "How come?..." So much for romance and love talk.

One afternoon while I was basking in the sun on the ship, listening to the Caribbean music I glanced over and noticed a little boy, who couldn't even have been two, dancing... More like bobbing or bouncing to the music. I see kids do this all the time but this was just the cutest thing. I had to get a hold of myself, I was turning into mush.

As we were laying there my wandering eyes veered off in another direction and I noticed another group of children. They looked to be between the ages of six and 10. And that's when I was slapped in the face with another realization. My gaze paced back and forth between the toddler and the kids and I thought I don't want that. The baby-Yes, toddler-Sure, but adolescents? I don't think so.

All this time I've been googly-eyed over pregnant bellies and wobbly little ones, not kids that can talk back to me, argue with me, one day become teenagers and hate me, later forgive me then go away to college and leave me! I just graduated from college myself, I'm not ready to raise my own kid to grow up and go to college!

Ok, so this all happens in a span of 20 or so years but still! I can't help but wonder if that's why so many of my friends, and many of fellow blog friends have the urge for more... THE LITTLE ONES are the fun and cute ones! Once the others turn two or so it's time for another infant! What's up with that?!

I thought of all of these things as I watched the little dancing boy, his proud parents behind him, and the now gathering crowd cheering him on. Looking at the older kids playing in the pool I noticed their parents weren't cheering them on, watching their tricks or even watching them with those adoring eyes. When does that transformation happen? It is like the child that begs for a puppy and loves it until it's grown then begs for another PUPPY?

I closed my eyes and thought more about what I really wanted and what I was really ready for, and felt a slight sting of regret for bringing up the almost-too-often roller coaster discussion of childrearing.

The Trip--Parte Uno

As we're waiting to board our flight from Austin to Orlando an older man approaches me an asks: "Excuse me miss. Do you happen to know what the abbreviation L-M-A-O stands for?"

I stared at him for a moment trying to figure out if he's being serious. "Yes," I confirmed. He waited for a more specific answer, so I gave in.
"Laughing My Ass Off." I told him.
"Oh," he chuckled. "So it's kind of an extension of Laughing Out Loud?"
"Yea..."

That's when I knew this was going to be an interesting vacation.

We arrived and went through the check-in process fairly quickly. Then it was time to strut my stuff and eat all I could.

The days and nights of being with the hub-a-lub 24/7 were NOT taken for granted. I'm talking no interruptions, made our own schedule, did whatever the heck we wanted with no worries in the back of our minds kind of FUN. Trust me, I did not take that for granted for one second.

We woke up early, ate breakfast, then strolled the streets of the Bahamas, snorkeled and kayaked in the beautiful blue waters.

We shopped, we talked, we ate, slept, then later we danced and ate some more. And this wasn't just any food. I'm talking four to five course meal ranging from the most delicious steak you'd ever sink your teeth into, to the most delicate and delightful lobster tail you'd ever taste. Oh, and don't forget the chocolate melting cake for dessert... My FAVORITE!

We did go to the gym... Ok I only went once, it was dreadful. But I did play dodgeball with the boys! Our team barely lost the matches 3-4.

Sunday, the second night was the Night of Elegance. I loved getting dressed to the nine and showing off my hunk. We stood out because we were so young compared to most of the other couples (no joke, I think the average age on this ship was 50), and we... Well, we stand out.

The first few days I didn't have an ounce of envy for the families I saw scrambling around. I saw kids running rampid, stress on mothers' faces. Things I can happily wait years to deal with.

But around the third night my attitude began to change. I scanned through the pictures from the few days before and stopped at this one. A picture we took during sunset on the Night of Elegance. "I look like a grown woman." I thought aloud. I feel and am very young but I was surprised at my happiness in the fact that I'm beginning to look as mature as I sometimes feel. Maybe it was the shadows, or the dress I was wearing. Or perhaps it was the handsome man I was posing with. Whatever it was, it made this the first picture I've seen of myself where I feel as if I look like I could be a mom.

That night I fell asleep dreaming of a child of our own.

The Trip That Could Change My Life

Ok maybe I'm being a little mellow dramatic. Did I say next week in my previous post? My bad! Cause I meant this Saturday!! I'm going on a cruise with my husband. We're going to the Caribbean. I've been looking forward to this for years! It's a 7 night cruise. The reason I say it could change my life is because I think this could be a determining moment where I decide whether I'm loving the life without kids and want to travel and focus on my career for a little longer... Or that I love seeing all the cute families together on the ship and yearn for that "family completeness."

I've completed my shopping, including a different bikini (oh scandalous I know, but might as well enjoy my hot body while it lasts) for each day, and a nice dress for dinner each night. Saying I'm excited would be an understatement. My bags are already packed and I am so ready for this, I'm just really interested in knowing how I'll feel about a family when I come back.

Right now I'm really in a complacent mood. I'm feeling "what's the rush?" I mean really, I've met a lot of great women who waited until they were in their 30s to start having children and their kids are healthy, and they have more time to spend with them. Lord knows I've had my money struggles, but most of all I want to have the time to spend with my kids and sometimes time = money. And for the record, I love my career but not enough to put in before my family. I know I'll never have "enough money" either but it's not about career or money as much as it is about me feeling young and not quite mentally stable ready (which you may be grasping from some of my earlier posts).

But we'll see what happens. I really don't feel compelled one way or another right now. I still love browsing through the baby section but I don't feel the urge I normally feel. I just feel... Fine.

I'm finding it's really nice being able to express my feelings about the matter here. Being open and honest about it has really given me a chance to stop and think things through.

I'm excited for this trip, and I'm excited to see how I feel about this whole child situation when I get back!

The Baby Sibling

Being the oldest of five children has it's ups and downs. Growing up the phrase "take your sister with you" was the last thing I wanted to hear, but now I have the cutest 3-year-old sister that just melts my heart!

My other siblings are cute too... Heather, 19; Michael, 14; and Lauren 11. I can't help but talk to the youngest three like they're all 3-years-old. Michael frequently asks me "why do you talk to me like I'm a baby?" I can't help it! They're all cuter once I'm out of the house, married and have a family of my own. The old phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" rings true in my case.

Kimberly, the youngest I know the least. I was married before she was born. Our first few encounters she was almost scared of me. She didn't want me to hold her, come near her, hardly look at her! It took a couple of years for her to really warm up to me and now... I'm her favorite :o)

I was on the computer the other day chatting with my family through the voice monitor when out of nowhere I hear Kimmie say "I wan go wit Jenn Jenn." I wanted to cry! Not only that but when Heather was jokingly calling me dumb or something like that, Kimberly jumped in and said "No, be nice. Be nice to Jenn Jenn" then "Mine... My Jenn Jenn."

I don't get to see my family as much as I'd like but when my siblings come visit my dad in Dallas this summer I'm hoping I can steal my little sister for a few days and get some practice watching a little one 24/7... Wonder how that'll go.

The Rabbits

I knew the time would come but I didn't think it would be this soon... My friends are spawning their second before I have one.

Forget the list of friend's without kids... in a few more years I'll have a list of friends with less than 3 kids! What the eff? No really, I'm happy for them. So very very happy. It's just really weirding me out!

Here's how the conversations have been going:
Friend: "Hey did you know [insert name] is pregnant?"
Me: Again?

Yes again. And I feel like I'm watching a ship loaded with my friends sail away from me--To the land of rabbits.

There is a bright light at the end of the tunnel though. Other friends, same age, are still looking for that special someone. One may think they're "behind in the game" but really, they're just able to take notes.

Take my friend Paul for example. He's sent a few girls on missions, graduated college, got a great sense of humor, is good looking, open to marriage and he's still single. He has no sympathy for me when I tell him I feel behind.

It's times like these where I ESPECIALLY have to remember timing is different for everyone. My time will come, and so will Paul's, no matter how far behind we are.

The Urge

Why am I even contemplating creating spawn? I'm asking myself the same question. About two and a half years ago I worked at a credit union in Utah County. I worked with several other women who were a year or two older than me. I only worked there for a month, but just about everyday we'd get into a conversation about having kids. They pretty much wanted to get pregnant right then and there. I, on the other hand couldn't understand why. I couldn't wrap my brain around the idea of having a child at 22 or 23. It just seemed so young to me. I didn't want to hear the excuse "when you get older complications... blah blah blah" cause we all know the serious risk isn't until you're in your mid 30s. I know marriage can get... Mundane if you let it, after a few years. I've been married four years (on Tuesday!) and while we have a lot of fun together I can imagine it being more fun and entertaining with a little one.

Now when I stop and really think about why I want to have a kid relatively soon (2010, I'll be 25) I can only think of a few honest reasons:
1. It's going to be dang cute... I try not to say this too much cause I'm afraid I'll jinx myself into a weird-looking baby. But seriously, I can't wait to see what a little mini-us looks like. It's exciting.
2. No more boring life. Sometimes I'm mad cause I wish my car could be a transformer or my husband was a vampire... You know, the cool stuff. I easily get bored if I don't have a lot of things on my plate... Have a baby... problem solved!

3. Everyone else is doing it! (Aka: I'm jealous)

Sounds like the best reasons to have a kid right?

Aren't I suppose to feel like "I want to learn what it's like to sacrifice" "I want to learn patience" "I am excited to take care of another soul" "I'm ready to say goodbye to the life of a young free flying bird that goes wherever she pleases only worrying about my adjacent soulmate"? I'm not sure I'm--No, wait... I KNOW I'm not ready for any of that. But I've still got the urge!

It's like I'm hypnotized! I asked my husband for a blessing so I wouldn't be hypnotized anymore and he just laughed at me!

On the other hand, when I do the math and calculate that having a child at 27 would be a great wonderful age, but another 4 years seems like so long! What the heck am I going to do with myself for another 4 years? I love my husband but heck... I may get bored! I guess I can work on advancing more in my career, but do you even understand how hard it is seeing all of your friends having cute little kids and posting cute little stories and stuff? On one hand I want that too, but on the other hand, I think "I WILL have that too, just not now, and when I do, their kids will be bratty teenagers." But really, that's just to make myself feel better.

Why now? What is it that makes me want a kid so soon? And how in the world do I keep myself from jumping on the bandwagon?

Last week one of my dear friends called me asking the same questions so we talked about "the urge." Talking things through with her made me think I should take my own advice: Make personal goals to achieve before having kids, make plans to do things as a couple, maybe things you couldn't do with kids. Basically keep busy, and enjoy the time without kids because this is the one and ONLY ever time you have with just you and your spouse. Really, it's the ONLY time you'll have that... EVER (without having to worry about babbysitters and what not). Consider yourself special, because you have what many married couples don't... being childfree. And once you start you can't go back, ever ever ever EVER!

The thing that helps me the most is really realizing that and really trying to enjoy this young married couple time we have now, and living it to the fullest. I hope that works.

Any other tips?