Breastfeeding Burnout

I love breastfeeding. I really do. I thought it was something I would just put up with a few months before switching to formula, but I've actually enjoyed it. I have a Breastfeeding Diaries blog I've been keeping over at Bravado Designs, and I've been lucky enough to have been able to exclusively breastfeed my daughter for more than three months now. But now this duty is becoming my demon.



Before having Little J I set a personal goal to breastfeed her for three months, during my maternity leave. That didn't mean I'd exclusively breastfeed her, or that I wouldn't supplement at times, but it ended up being to where I didn't need to supplement. In fact, I build up a stash of more than 200 frozen ounces of breast milk to use once I returned to work.



But the stash I speak of is one that is to be used for emergencies, and only taken from when it's about to expire and it's replaced with, fresh pumped milk for the day. This stash is now beginning to drive me crazy.



My first week back at work I was able to find time to take a pump break, usually two, during the day. I would pump about seven ounces a session, then nurse my daughter during my lunch breaks. That got old fast. I felt like I was lactating more than I was working. That's saying something, considering I sometimes work 55 hours a week.

I like feeling like I'm doing something for my daughter when I'm away from her, but it can be a difficult battle. Set up to take down takes me about 25 minutes. I felt guilty taking an extra 50 minutes out of my schedule to pump. Sometimes I'd try to take my laptop with me so I could keep working but that felt awkward.

So I cut back a little and pumped once at work, and fed her during my break. But then my supply started to dip. So I brought my pump home on the weekends and would pump after Lil' J went to sleep to try to get it back up to where it was.

Now, I pump six ounces during my shift, feed her during my lunch break, and then pump once more before I go home, and if I'm lucky, I get another five ounces. So I'm bringing home 11 ounces of expressed milk a day, plus feeding her during my break, and get this... She STILL wants more!

She can eat about 13 ounces of pumped milk while I'm away. Which on my 12 hour days is understandable, but on my 9 hour shifts, I'm a little confused. Regardless, imagining myself doing this routine for the next nine months is awfully daunting.

I've been counting down to the day that I can start giving her cereal and baby food/purees, whatever the crap you want to call it, but people tell me babies still drink as much milk when they start solids, and that food isn't a supplement for breastmilk or formula. Now this kinda ticks me off because I was count on this--Just gotta make it to six months--I kept telling myself. But who knew that star I've been shooting for may still be out of reach.



My friend Emily, over at Baby Dickey is hosting a series of blog parties Monday nights and I plan on asking the "baby expert" about babies and food.

Now I know there's no need to panic because of my huge milk stash, but we're slowly chipping away at it. Based on my prediction 200 ounces, using 2 a day, it should be gone in about 100 days, or 3 months give or take a week or two. Oh, and that's if she doesn't start drinking more.

When coming to this realization I've had a mix of helpful reactions in response. Some say "yea, I wasn't pumping enough so we supplemented some, no big deal." And there were others who recommend all sorts of teas, herbs and remedies to help with my "Milk Misfortune." And to be honest, I don't want remedies.

I want to just enjoy breastfeeding my daughter when I'm with her. I don't want to have to stress about pumping enough every day, then yell at my husband for pulling from the freezer stash when I didn't pump enough. I don't want to feel like I'm being a slacker at work because I need to pump every 2-3 hours. Then feel like a slacker at home when it's still not enough.

From my understanding some women are able to breastfeed at home when they're with their baby even if they're not pumping when they're away. I don't want to feel guilty if I run out and need to supplement. I don't want to drive myself crazy trying medications, acupuncture, and voodoo tricks to increase my supply. I already eat a ton of oatmeal every morning for breakfast because someone told me it helps. But I also worry part of me will feel guilty for not giving everything else a try before giving her her first bottle of formula.

I want to find some kind of balance between keeping the bliss of breastfeeding, but loosing the fear of failing.

Maybe the realization of needing to supplement will be easier to cope with once she's started to eat cereal and other things that don't come from me. At six months we'll be starting her on solids and if I'm still unable (or unwilling) to keep up with her needs while I'm away, maybe the sting won't hurt as bad since she'll already be getting other sources of food.

I don't know if I'm just sensitive because it's my first child, and maybe I'll be more laid back next time or what. But I've never felt like my worth was hanging over a single responsibility as much as I do now.

I just hope I can find a way to loose the stress and bring back love as the main emotion in breastfeeding.

Milk Making Machine

Two weeks from today I'll be leaving my daughter and returning to work, and I'm no where close to being ready.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I was supposed to be the woman who got stir crazy at home; tired of talking to someone with a one word vocabulary (Dada) and ready to get back to work. Besides, that's me! Career-driven woman wanting the baby and the bucks.

But that woman has died and I've come back a mother.

I could feel my old self slipping away in the early weeks. I tried to fight it. "When will I feel myself again?" I asked. And people told me never. Rather, I'd find my new self. It's true.

Instead of excitement with just two weeks left at home I'm feeling guilt. How in the world will I leave my daughter? I'm her life-source, her entertainment, her biggest fan (and I hope she's mine). How will I do this?

I've found my guilt is eased with pumping. Yes, pumping.

Not in a masochistic, punishment kind of way; but rather as a mama squirrel gathering nuts for her young to store for the winter.

I use a Phillips Avent double electric breast pump. I actually won it in a contest you may have helped me win. I love it, it's comfortable and it was a style I liked (closed valve).

I don't have a ton of time to pump between the time my daughter is nursing (she eats a lot) but since my supply is heaviest in the morning I pump on one side while she eats from the other. The side I pump from I don't feed from at her 5am and 7am feedings. So when I pump around 9am I get between 5 and 7 ounces from that one side. Having her nurse on the opposite side helps the letdown--or flow of milk--so I usually get more that way. It takes coordination, and I've lost quite a bit when she's kicked the bottle off the pump but I have it down to a science now.

I've done this almost every day since my daughter was about three weeks old. Trying to see how much I can store and save for emergencies to use once I go back to work has become my addiction.

To date I've saved 184 ounces of milk. My freezer now holds more breastmilk than food. And the sight is one I'm mighty proud of.

It gives me flashbacks to this picture taken about a year ago.

Go big or go home.

Despite my skills at filling my fridge with human milk, I'm still worried about going back to work and keeping up with pumping. Before maternity leave I rarely had time for a lunch break, much less a few pumping breaks at work. I'm still not sure how things will go when I get back but if people manage to take several smoke breaks a day and still make deadline, I should be able to pump out my quota of milk and still get my story in by 5.

I know my job though and I know I won't always get those breaks. Plus, going from feeding my baby on demand whenever she wants to scheduled pump breaks may put a damper in my supply. So the more I store the better (though in my non-deep freezer it just lasts for 3 months).

I've armed myself with tools to help me be successful as long as possible. My pump, as mentioned before. Picture sideshows on my phone of my daughter, a schedule I hope to follow (barring breaking news) and what I'm most excited about--a PumpEase--My hands free pumping bra.
I've used it a few times when I've tried double-pumping while Lil'J is sleeping, and it's brilliant.

Normally I'm holding one pump to me and holding my daughter in the other arm. My hands aren't free to do anything else. With my PumpEase I'm able to type at the computer, talk on my phone, and move around as much as my pump will let me. I know it'll be a lifesaver when I return to work and I've already made it a habit to store it in my pump bag.

There will probably be times where I need to pump in my car, if I remember to bring my pump along with me, and get a car adapter for it (need to get on that) plus my feeder frock from LaDy LaDuke (to stay discreet) and my PumpEase will make pumping while driving possible.

Same if I'm back at the office. I can lock myself in a room and I'll be able to pump while I write or edit on my laptop.

I'm not sure how much milk I'll need to extract a day in order for it to be enough for my daughter for the next day, but I'm hoping I can get enough.

It's a huge blessing that my husband will be at home with my daughter. And since we don't live far from my job, when I have the time I want to come home and feed her during my lunch breaks.

Oh, I say this now but only time will tell how it will all pan out. My goal is to make it to six months exclusively breastfeeding, then I'll be able to start giving her mashed up veggies and stuff to help tie her over.

I feel horrible about leaving her so I can return to work but it's not possible for me to stay at home with her at this time in my life. But somehow, knowing I'm still the one sustaining her chins and rolls will help me feel a little less guilty for not being with her.

Transitioning back to work will probably be the hardest thing I've done in my life. But I'm preparing as best as I can.

Now I only I could find a way to make more freezer space...

Everyone who comments on this post before the 11:59pm on September 23rd (my first day back at work) will be entered to win a hands-free PumpEase hands-free pumping bra of their choice.
You get extra entries for following PumpEase on Twitter and/or Facebook
Random.org will choose the winner. Good luck!

Breastfeeding: A Preggos Thoughts

So I've spent a couple of days swooning over fancy baby bedding, I guess it's time to get serious.

I wrote a guest post about breastfeeding for Blacktating and I guess it was just want I needed to motivate me to research, and think more about the topic.

First, there's choices, plans, decisions. I've thought a lot about breastfeeding not just since I've been thinking about having children and since being pregnant, but during my marriage. I don't remember how it came up but my husband had insisted I breastfeed. His thinking wasn't even on affordability but on health.

Now, my mind changes on a lot of things... A year and a half ago I wrote out my master plan for vacations for the next 5 years... An African safari being the big SHABANG in something like 2013. Well, needless to say, plans have changed. So I imagine my thoughts on breastfeeding will also continue to evolve as I continue my research throughout pregnancy, and of course once Spawnie gets here.

Since I am a journalist, I'm very into research. But I don't like just throwing things out there or taking people's word for it. So while I ask for recommendations, know I'm fact checking everything you tell me. I'm going to try to do my best to back up facts I learn with links and sources!

I sat down at my computer and for five solid hours I looked up information on breastfeeding pumps, looking into how long women should breastfeed, how to prepare for breastfeeding, and just thought a lot about how it would work for me. I spoke with a lactation consultant at my local hospital I'll be delivering at and was given a few tips. She first asked me how old my baby was...
"Umm, I'm a little early," I told her.
"Oh, you're still pregnant!" I heard her smiling through the phone.
"Yea I'm just trying to be prepared."
"Ok, when are you due?"
"Umm.. June." I left out the part about it being the END of June.

I was worried she'd hang up on me or tell me to call back in a few months but she was nice and gave me information about classes for about $20 a couple. She recommended we take it at about 35 weeks. She also told me they don't recommend I start pumping for 2-4 weeks after birth. I also asked about rental pump prices, and theirs are $75/month.

I also called my insurance and found out they give $500 a year towards lactation consultants. Which is nice perk. Sure, I may have one for free after birth for a little while, but $500 towards one who can help me at home is a nice addition.

Someone referred me to my local La Leche League so I called them to get information on any pump rentals they may offer. I also may drop by for a meeting or two in the next few months to see what it's all about. I hear the support groups are great.

I got caught up on the pump topic for quite some time. I'm going to go back to work after about 3 months and I'd like to continue to breastfeed. Since the rental cost is so much I figure buying is a better option after 3 months.

On Twitter, most of my mother followers recommended either Medela or Ameda. Medela had an OVERWHELMING number of favorites, but a few people who I HIGHLY respect when it comes to breastfeeding recommended Ameda. I looked into the different systems... And comparable products.

I used a few sites to do side-by-side comparisons to the brands to see which one I'd like more. Medela has been the "Most trusted brand in breast pumps for 20 years!" and Ameda has great reviews.

What were things I looked at? Well, I know I can't judge this by looking at it but comfort was one thing. Finding a pump that's adjustable is the way to go so I'm more likely to find a level that works for me. Type of pump was another thing I looked at. The idea of a hand pump doesn't appeal to me. Durability is important, because if I'm shelling out the dough, I'd like it to last for more than one kid.

I also looked at portability, I need something that will be able to travel well. Power options, car adapters, AC adapters and battery operated were all important to me. I would like a dual pump system, so I can pump both boobs if need be. Motor noise level is something I won't personally know until using it but I've read reviews of some being quieter than others. Effectiveness is also obviously an issue but I've read the closer the pumps cycling speed is to mimicking my baby, the better it'll be. So options on speed will be important.

So I narrowed it down based on recommendation and my research.

Ameda Purely Yours® Breast Pump with Carry All
Motor Specifications:
Cycles:
Single: 30-60 cycles per minute (8 suction settings)
Double: same less 10%

Pressure:
Single: 100-275 mm Hg
Double: 50-200 mm Hg

It's $199 on Ameda's site and about $195 on Amazon. Right now it's also $199 Buy it Now new on eBay too. It weighs about 6.5 lbs. It can use different types of bottles jut not the wide mouth kind.

I've read since it comes with a hygienic kit, and it's closed pump system makes it easy to clean and more hygienic. This one doesn't have as many reviews on Amazon, but it has a bunch, and better ones on the Breast Pumps Direct website. It's also FDA approved unlike the one below.

Pump In Style® Advanced Breastpump Backpack
Suction: 44-62 times per minute (2 phase pumping)
VACUUM: 50-250 MM HG
POWER: 60 HZ

I've read this one mimics a baby's sucking motions by staring fast then slowing down.

It is about $299 or $260 on breast pumps direct it's $274 on Amazon and $221 new in box in eBay.

It uses a closed pump system so some people say it's harder to clean, and you have to work a harder to make sure it's clean enough and rid of possible mold that could build up in the motor area.

Looking more into the open/closed systems I read that many open systems are good because they allow more direct suction. Many now also have filters to make any air that seeps through the tubes not contaminate the milk.

I have to admit when I first looked at the cost I was thinking I'd try to breastfeed for the first 12 weeks, and go to formula... 12 weeks is better than zero right? And why spend so much money on a pump I may not be able to use? Or won't use? Or that won't work for a long time for me. But then... HELLO! Formula isn't cheap either! I asked the parents of the kid I babysit how much they pay and they say in the beginning it was close to $400 a month. Each can is $15-25 dollars and now... At 11 months he still drinks about 1 can a week. Obviously I'd pay for the cost of the pump pretty quickly.

So now... My worries and things I still want to learn:
-Ways to pump as much as I can while I'm on leave and save it for when I go back to work
-Ways to pump at work when I don't have a private office or much time to do so
-How to store milk best, and foods, herbs, things that can help with milk supply
-How my husband can be involved in feedings at night so we can alternate if we choose to

My biggest worry of them all is really doing it while working. My job is very demanding and I'm not sitting at a desk or office all day. I usually don't have time for lunch much less pumping breaks! I work 9-10 hour shifts and I'm usually either driving, filming, writing or editing... None of those are in private.

I know breast is best but to be honest the biggest thing keeping me from wanting to do for up to a year is the cost of formula. Either way.. Breast milk or formula, kids usually don't drink whole cow milk until they're a year old (please correct me if I'm wrong, I'd love to know otherwise). So I figure the longer I keep it coming the more we'll save. I imagine with my schedule and lifestyle we will have to do a mix after awhile, and I'm totally ok with that.

My husband and I initially thought pumps were pricey but after looking at the cost of formula we're hoping to invest in one and figure out how to make it work for us. He also wants to be able to help at night, whether that means bringing the baby to me, or feeding from a bottle some that's ok. Spawnie would obviously have to be bottle fed while I'm at work. If I automatically wake up at night to feed all of the time, great, but we're hoping to take turns if possible.

So... That's a LOT of information. But I'm glad I have it down. It's kind of a "starting point" I guess you could say. And I'll revisit the topic throughout my pregnancy. I already have a breastfeeding DVD to review, some boob cream to help with breastfeeding, as well as herbal tea and some boob leak pads. I even just won a feeding cover. So there will be MANY MORE post on this topic in the future!

If you made it this far CONGRATULATIONS! I'd love your advice and referrals on breast pumps, and any tips you may have on the questions I have above especially, or any other random advice you have on the topic! All I ask is you are respectful to my views, and the views of other people who may comment! In other words.. Be nice!