The End of Maternity Leave

My maternity leave is coming to a close, and in the morning my stint as a stay at home mother will be over. I'll begin my new role as a full time working mom.

As the night lingers on I begin to wonder about sleep deprivation. It's no big deal when I'm at home and napping through the day, but when I'm operating heavy machinery, conducting interviews and anchoring the news to thousands of people, there's slightly more pressure to ummm--Function.

Instead I'm picturing periodic meltdowns and tear streaks across my makeup.

It's almost hilarious when I think back to before having her, when I was worried about a project I wanted to work on, and debated going back early to pursue it. After she was born and here for a few weeks I could have cared less about it. I was taking the full 12 weeks, there was no mistake about that.

I've packed my bags. My pump, and PumpEase are in the bag. My laptop and blackberry are charged. Fresh milk is in the fridge, my suits are at the cleaners and my schedule is mapped out for my first week back. It's like preparing for the first day of school--Except not as fun.

My daughter and I went shopping today, but this time for me. It was a much-needed dose of retail therapy to get me excited about going back. New clothes to go with my new, fuller, motherly figure.

I held her longer today and kissed her an extra thousand times. I inhaled the smell of her hair and tickled her tiny toes.

I hope I can do this.

I know I can do this. But it won't be easy.

I'm trying to count my blessings. It could be so much worse. I'm grateful have a job. Grateful I had twelve weeks to spend with her--Even if half of that time was unpaid. And best of all my daughter will be in the best hands next to my own--Her daddy's. Granted, there was a time I contemplated whether that was a fact, or if a daycare worker or nanny had more experience with tending small babies. But regardless of his learning curve, no one would love her more.

Everything's packed and ready to go. But this time when I drive to work, I'll be leaving behind my heart.

If you've been where I'm going and have words of advice I'd love to hear it!

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Winner of the $75 CSN Giveaway: #222 Mama b. Congrats! I'll email you soon and you'll have 48 hours to respond!

Wordless Wednesday: Lil' 's Music Video

Everyone who comments on this post before September 22nd at 11:59pm is entered to win a $25 Gift Certificate to Swimtown Pools. Check out their Facebook Page to see how you can win a Kodak digital camera. A winner will be chosen using random.org.

Milk Making Machine

Two weeks from today I'll be leaving my daughter and returning to work, and I'm no where close to being ready.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I was supposed to be the woman who got stir crazy at home; tired of talking to someone with a one word vocabulary (Dada) and ready to get back to work. Besides, that's me! Career-driven woman wanting the baby and the bucks.

But that woman has died and I've come back a mother.

I could feel my old self slipping away in the early weeks. I tried to fight it. "When will I feel myself again?" I asked. And people told me never. Rather, I'd find my new self. It's true.

Instead of excitement with just two weeks left at home I'm feeling guilt. How in the world will I leave my daughter? I'm her life-source, her entertainment, her biggest fan (and I hope she's mine). How will I do this?

I've found my guilt is eased with pumping. Yes, pumping.

Not in a masochistic, punishment kind of way; but rather as a mama squirrel gathering nuts for her young to store for the winter.

I use a Phillips Avent double electric breast pump. I actually won it in a contest you may have helped me win. I love it, it's comfortable and it was a style I liked (closed valve).

I don't have a ton of time to pump between the time my daughter is nursing (she eats a lot) but since my supply is heaviest in the morning I pump on one side while she eats from the other. The side I pump from I don't feed from at her 5am and 7am feedings. So when I pump around 9am I get between 5 and 7 ounces from that one side. Having her nurse on the opposite side helps the letdown--or flow of milk--so I usually get more that way. It takes coordination, and I've lost quite a bit when she's kicked the bottle off the pump but I have it down to a science now.

I've done this almost every day since my daughter was about three weeks old. Trying to see how much I can store and save for emergencies to use once I go back to work has become my addiction.

To date I've saved 184 ounces of milk. My freezer now holds more breastmilk than food. And the sight is one I'm mighty proud of.

It gives me flashbacks to this picture taken about a year ago.

Go big or go home.

Despite my skills at filling my fridge with human milk, I'm still worried about going back to work and keeping up with pumping. Before maternity leave I rarely had time for a lunch break, much less a few pumping breaks at work. I'm still not sure how things will go when I get back but if people manage to take several smoke breaks a day and still make deadline, I should be able to pump out my quota of milk and still get my story in by 5.

I know my job though and I know I won't always get those breaks. Plus, going from feeding my baby on demand whenever she wants to scheduled pump breaks may put a damper in my supply. So the more I store the better (though in my non-deep freezer it just lasts for 3 months).

I've armed myself with tools to help me be successful as long as possible. My pump, as mentioned before. Picture sideshows on my phone of my daughter, a schedule I hope to follow (barring breaking news) and what I'm most excited about--a PumpEase--My hands free pumping bra.
I've used it a few times when I've tried double-pumping while Lil'J is sleeping, and it's brilliant.

Normally I'm holding one pump to me and holding my daughter in the other arm. My hands aren't free to do anything else. With my PumpEase I'm able to type at the computer, talk on my phone, and move around as much as my pump will let me. I know it'll be a lifesaver when I return to work and I've already made it a habit to store it in my pump bag.

There will probably be times where I need to pump in my car, if I remember to bring my pump along with me, and get a car adapter for it (need to get on that) plus my feeder frock from LaDy LaDuke (to stay discreet) and my PumpEase will make pumping while driving possible.

Same if I'm back at the office. I can lock myself in a room and I'll be able to pump while I write or edit on my laptop.

I'm not sure how much milk I'll need to extract a day in order for it to be enough for my daughter for the next day, but I'm hoping I can get enough.

It's a huge blessing that my husband will be at home with my daughter. And since we don't live far from my job, when I have the time I want to come home and feed her during my lunch breaks.

Oh, I say this now but only time will tell how it will all pan out. My goal is to make it to six months exclusively breastfeeding, then I'll be able to start giving her mashed up veggies and stuff to help tie her over.

I feel horrible about leaving her so I can return to work but it's not possible for me to stay at home with her at this time in my life. But somehow, knowing I'm still the one sustaining her chins and rolls will help me feel a little less guilty for not being with her.

Transitioning back to work will probably be the hardest thing I've done in my life. But I'm preparing as best as I can.

Now I only I could find a way to make more freezer space...

Everyone who comments on this post before the 11:59pm on September 23rd (my first day back at work) will be entered to win a hands-free PumpEase hands-free pumping bra of their choice.
You get extra entries for following PumpEase on Twitter and/or Facebook
Random.org will choose the winner. Good luck!

Temporary Stay at Home Mom

I KNOW people say that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. I don't doubt that because of the severity of the job that's true. I mean... It's not often that a life if in your hands 24/7. Mental and emotional pressure put on ourselves has got to cause some major job anxiety. Granted, that comes in the job description of motherhood whether you're also working outside of the home on top of that or not.

At this stage of my life I won't have the chance to stay at home with my child for awhile, but I will have the chance to experience it for a few months, and let me tell you... I don't care what anyone says, I'm looking forward to that SO MUCH.

Sure, maybe there will be spurts of cabin fever and nights when I'm so incredibly exhausted, but I am very much looking forward to putting sacrifices like that in for someone I actually love.

Don't get me wrong, I like the people I work with currently, but I just imagine days where I'm at the office until 2am, or mornings where I'm called in at 4 (yes, it happens) are more worth it when it's for someone you're willing to do anything for.

Already after a long shift at work I am excited to rush home and greet my furry child as well as my husband. It's by far my favorite part of the day. We're lucky enough to work our schedules so we get the same days of together every now and then... No matter how strange the days. We don't need to do anything extraordinarily fun for entertainment. We're both totally happy with vegging together laughing over youtube videos or stories from work.

I look forward to letting the house go when I feel like it, and napping with my little mini me. I look forward to going for summer strolls around the neighborhood with her and our dog Snoop.

I look forward to family trips where people will be excited to meet and greet her, and I'll be proud to share her with the world.

I look forward to documenting her every tiny milestone... Even though I thought that was so silly before.

I look forward to diaper explosions and projectile vomit. I know, it's strange but I do. What better to blog about than that?

I look forward to afternoon picnics with our little family, and trips to the park. And if that doesn't happen very often so what! We'll have an indoor picnic with movies and quick snacks.

I especially looking forward to photographing EVERYTHING!

Some people have told me they looked forward to going back to work once their leave was over, and that work outside the house was so much easier. Many times I think this is coming from women who enjoy being challenged professionally and say being at home and not having adult stimulation all day is the hard part (let me add that I'm not saying you're NOT mentally stimulated if you're not working outside the home, people just tell me it can get challenging talking to a child all day. If I wasn't working outside the home I'd still find ways to have fun and interact with others.) ... But I'm not going to let that be my mentality during my leave.

Family really means so much to me, it's the top priority in my life. I never thought I'd want to or enjoy be a mom who stays at home, but like I've heard, everything changes once you see that baby... I feel like that already happened to me the moment I saw her on the ultrasound screen.

I'm going to enjoy every week, day, minute and second of being home with my little girl, no matter how difficult. Because I know how it is on the other side, and I know children grow so fast. Who care's what's harder? Working outside the home... Staying at home and working with your children... it's not a competition! I just want to look back at my time at home and know I didn't take it for granted.

The SAHM Pt. 2

Ok I'm changing the beginning of this post because of the last sudden ANONYMOUS comment I got on my last post. I don't like to respond in the comments section because I'm not sure everyone would be able to see it so I'll respond at the top of this post. The following was the anonymous comment (they left another one after but I'm just posting the first one):

"Honestly. I want to give you credit for having the nerve to even post something so ludicrous.
You don't BUY it? Give me a break.
A whole blog to decide if you want a baby or not? You know you aren't going to do it right now. So, just stop talking about it every day before you do decide to do it. Come talk to us when your pregnant and then when you're a working or WAHM or SAHM.
Until then, your opinion of being a SAHM doesn't matter."

Ok first off... Ouch. Really? You're going to come and tell me my opinion doesn't matter on my OWN blog? And who is "us?" Well thanks... But apparently not many others agree with you. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to plan before hand and actually asking mothers experiencing things I may one day experience how they handle it. I'm completely honest here and I'm sorry if that offends you but in my post I point blank said I welcomed disagreements because "I'M OPEN TO BEING WRONG" so sheesh... don't get offended lady! Obviously you have a little insecurity or something because I'm not saying I know everything, I'm just stating my opinion. Take a chill pill! I also didn't just say I didn't "buy it" I asked what was so hard about it... And if you noticed, several women actually answered the question on "what is the hardest part about it" rather than just bashing me. Plus, you said you agreed with Jacyee... Well guess what? She has 6 KIDS! Four of them are quadruplets... I'm not saying that's not a dang hard job! And I can understand her for being a little ticked about my post ;o)

Oh... and several people in the comments section said they love being stay at home moms and it's not as stressful as some people make it out to be... I really think it comes down to the person... And YES... maybe one day when I have kids my mind will change completely and I'll do a 180 and think "wow... this is a lot harder than I thought, put be back to work" but that's the fun of this blog... it's a "journey" my journal of expression, and if you've read any other posts you'd realize that I change my mind often :o)

Ok... sorry do go off on a tangent people, I just wanted to get that out of the way. Has anyone else dealt with meanies? I see why people moderate their comments now. I never thought I'd want to erase a comment but yeesh! Anyway... Back to the show:

You all have been great in my quest to determine why being a SAHM is so difficult, by leaving responses here. I've baby sat for a woman a few times who is a stay at home mother. She always seems slightly stressed or uptight when I go over to her house. Seeing the way she interacted with her children was always endearing and interesting to me, but seeing what she puts herself through just made me think "I couldn't do it." At least not like that.

I think some of the same women who said things like "if my husband would watch the kids instead of watching TV yea, maybe he could be a stay at home dad" are some of the ones who also maybe, possibly, put too much pressure on themselves at home (but who am I to assume?).

I have however witnessed so many women (especially while I lived in Utah) who felt like their house had to be put together neatly at all times. The kids had to be cleaned up after almost immediately, the rules and regulations in the home were strict, and so were the schedules. It made me want to just grab them by the shoulders and say "it's going to be O.K. calm down!" I imagine if I'm going to do it my husband will have to clean up the mess we all make when he gets home from work... (Hey, whatever keeps me from taking Xanex, ok?) But really, I'm not a neat person anyway, so maybe that's why I feel that way. I can't imagine being my messy self then having a messy bunch of spawn on top of that!

By all means, if cleaning and cooking is what makes you happy go for it, but if being at home with MY children turns out to be extremely stressful, perhaps some rearranging should be done.

My grandmother is in her 50s and she looks AMAZING! I asked her how she hardly has wrinkles and she told me: "I don't stress." And she gave me some advice I don't think I'll ever forget... "If you have a problem you don't like, fix it, and if you can't fix it, get over it. Because stressing is only going to give you wrinkles."

There really are so many women out in the world who would LOVE to be at home with their children but can't afford to. Regardless if it's the world's hardest job or not... If it's a job you got to choose then it's a privilege. It may not pay monetarily but if the rumors are true, you're rewarded in much better ways.

If I ever have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom I hope I can remember this lighthearted advice I'm giving right now... And can really embrace it and make the most of it. I imagine it would be easy to get bored (with one) and go crazy (with several) but I hope that I can keep the cheerful spirit I have now and enjoy that time with my kids (and not eat my words).

I hopefully will at least get three months at home with the first and get a taste of SAHM life... Then I'LL be the one to judge if it's REALLY all that hard ;o) especially compared to a job like I have now, or worse... A job like I have now PLUS being a mom 24/7.

But regardless, I'm sure it's all not peaches and creme, I know it's 24/7, and really... I'm not trying to downplay it. Just trying to get a feel for what it's really like for you, in all honesty.