On the Cusp of a Nervous Breakdown

This morning I woke up, looked at my iPhone countdown and realized there's approximately 90 days until Ladybug arrives. 90 freaking days. Then I turned at looked at her room and my body filled with anxiety.

13 weeks, three months, 90 days. However you want to look at it, it's not that far away. Remember how quickly that 90 day warranty ran out on your expensive washing machine? That's how long I have. And while I've crossed off much on my baby shopping list I feel like there's still so much more to do.

I STILL haven't put up her crib. Why am I putting the crib up? Read that explanation here. I still need a dresser. I have nothing on the walls, I need to find a border to decorate the room with, buy a car seat, so we can actually take her home, and finally start buying diapers.

I hardly get any time to do these things since I work so much. And then when people at work get mad at me for messing up the spelling of something I want to scream at them and say: "YEA? WELL I STILL HAVEN'T PRE-WASHED MY CLOTHES!" I mean really... What's more important?

I KNOW I still have time. I know it's not the end of the world and that lots of people set things up long after the baby is born, but I am just one of those people who likes to get big projects done early. ESPECIALLY when I have no idea when she actually will come. I sometimes worry she'll come a month early and nothing will be ready.

Don't even get me started on the fact that we haven't started looking for a pediatrician yet. I'm not sure where to start. I am already signed up for my Lamaze class, and set to get prepped for labor but that's ONE DAY of this entire HUGE process!

I would love to have a mattress for her bed, crib and dresser set up, and room decorated by the end of April. That would give me another two months to deep clean my house, stock up on more diapers, and just relax the rest of my pregnancy.

Part of me is so overly excited to meet her and I want the last few months to fly by, but another part of me enjoys being pregnant, and planning and preparing.

I'm used to working on deadlines, but I've gotta say, this is my scariest one to date.

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010!

Last year I wrote a list of things I hoped to accomplish this year, and posted it on my blog, here's what it said and how I did:

This year (last year) I hope(d) to:

-Learn how to cook I learned a few recipes, but need to learn more!
-Eat better ... Until I got pregnant (Spawnie's fault!)
-Give up caffeine
-Read the good books daily - I SUCKED at this. But I did have a good streak in the middle/ toward the end of the year.
-Go on more real vacations Trip out west, vacation on a lake, and Caribbean cruise, Chicago, Atlanta, not bad!
-Enjoy one of the last years without spawn best year of marriage so far!
-Learn Yoga Started in August!
-Exercise more (aka ever)- Still working on a daily routine.
-Keep a good blogging streak It's been fun!
-Volunteer more- I can do better
-Babysit And I did this A LOT more than I thought I would
-Be a better wife- Can do better.
-Get back into the habit of writing a daily journal- I did it on and off, but does blogging count?
-Start a gratitude journal- Still need to work on.
-Pray more Happy to say I have!
-Be brutally honest- I'm not sure what I meant by this, but I don't like this resolution...
-*Get knocked up It was a maybe but I did it!

*= maybe

So I did a lot, but there's still a lot to work on! 2010 I hope to:
-Prepare to be a good mom
-Learn how to cook more healthy meals for my family
-Take a prenatal yoga class
-Create and stick with a fitness plan
-Take a birthing class with my husband
-Have a healthy baby
-Save enough money to be able to take a full maternity leave
-Not totally neglect Snoop because of Spawnie
-Visit New York City
-Write in my gratitude journal
-Learn how to sew baby things
-Finish all of the hairbows I owe people for donating to March of Dimes (by Jan/Feb)
-Keep enjoying blogging, don't make it "work"
-Visit the temple more
-Read my scriptures daily
-Prepare and execute weekly family home evenings
-Find ways to serve others
-Enjoy being a new mom

So there you have it! My list is longer, and funny how so much is about "mommy" stuff! WEIRD! What are your resolutions?

Breastfeeding: A Preggos Thoughts

So I've spent a couple of days swooning over fancy baby bedding, I guess it's time to get serious.

I wrote a guest post about breastfeeding for Blacktating and I guess it was just want I needed to motivate me to research, and think more about the topic.

First, there's choices, plans, decisions. I've thought a lot about breastfeeding not just since I've been thinking about having children and since being pregnant, but during my marriage. I don't remember how it came up but my husband had insisted I breastfeed. His thinking wasn't even on affordability but on health.

Now, my mind changes on a lot of things... A year and a half ago I wrote out my master plan for vacations for the next 5 years... An African safari being the big SHABANG in something like 2013. Well, needless to say, plans have changed. So I imagine my thoughts on breastfeeding will also continue to evolve as I continue my research throughout pregnancy, and of course once Spawnie gets here.

Since I am a journalist, I'm very into research. But I don't like just throwing things out there or taking people's word for it. So while I ask for recommendations, know I'm fact checking everything you tell me. I'm going to try to do my best to back up facts I learn with links and sources!

I sat down at my computer and for five solid hours I looked up information on breastfeeding pumps, looking into how long women should breastfeed, how to prepare for breastfeeding, and just thought a lot about how it would work for me. I spoke with a lactation consultant at my local hospital I'll be delivering at and was given a few tips. She first asked me how old my baby was...
"Umm, I'm a little early," I told her.
"Oh, you're still pregnant!" I heard her smiling through the phone.
"Yea I'm just trying to be prepared."
"Ok, when are you due?"
"Umm.. June." I left out the part about it being the END of June.

I was worried she'd hang up on me or tell me to call back in a few months but she was nice and gave me information about classes for about $20 a couple. She recommended we take it at about 35 weeks. She also told me they don't recommend I start pumping for 2-4 weeks after birth. I also asked about rental pump prices, and theirs are $75/month.

I also called my insurance and found out they give $500 a year towards lactation consultants. Which is nice perk. Sure, I may have one for free after birth for a little while, but $500 towards one who can help me at home is a nice addition.

Someone referred me to my local La Leche League so I called them to get information on any pump rentals they may offer. I also may drop by for a meeting or two in the next few months to see what it's all about. I hear the support groups are great.

I got caught up on the pump topic for quite some time. I'm going to go back to work after about 3 months and I'd like to continue to breastfeed. Since the rental cost is so much I figure buying is a better option after 3 months.

On Twitter, most of my mother followers recommended either Medela or Ameda. Medela had an OVERWHELMING number of favorites, but a few people who I HIGHLY respect when it comes to breastfeeding recommended Ameda. I looked into the different systems... And comparable products.

I used a few sites to do side-by-side comparisons to the brands to see which one I'd like more. Medela has been the "Most trusted brand in breast pumps for 20 years!" and Ameda has great reviews.

What were things I looked at? Well, I know I can't judge this by looking at it but comfort was one thing. Finding a pump that's adjustable is the way to go so I'm more likely to find a level that works for me. Type of pump was another thing I looked at. The idea of a hand pump doesn't appeal to me. Durability is important, because if I'm shelling out the dough, I'd like it to last for more than one kid.

I also looked at portability, I need something that will be able to travel well. Power options, car adapters, AC adapters and battery operated were all important to me. I would like a dual pump system, so I can pump both boobs if need be. Motor noise level is something I won't personally know until using it but I've read reviews of some being quieter than others. Effectiveness is also obviously an issue but I've read the closer the pumps cycling speed is to mimicking my baby, the better it'll be. So options on speed will be important.

So I narrowed it down based on recommendation and my research.

Ameda Purely Yours® Breast Pump with Carry All
Motor Specifications:
Cycles:
Single: 30-60 cycles per minute (8 suction settings)
Double: same less 10%

Pressure:
Single: 100-275 mm Hg
Double: 50-200 mm Hg

It's $199 on Ameda's site and about $195 on Amazon. Right now it's also $199 Buy it Now new on eBay too. It weighs about 6.5 lbs. It can use different types of bottles jut not the wide mouth kind.

I've read since it comes with a hygienic kit, and it's closed pump system makes it easy to clean and more hygienic. This one doesn't have as many reviews on Amazon, but it has a bunch, and better ones on the Breast Pumps Direct website. It's also FDA approved unlike the one below.

Pump In Style® Advanced Breastpump Backpack
Suction: 44-62 times per minute (2 phase pumping)
VACUUM: 50-250 MM HG
POWER: 60 HZ

I've read this one mimics a baby's sucking motions by staring fast then slowing down.

It is about $299 or $260 on breast pumps direct it's $274 on Amazon and $221 new in box in eBay.

It uses a closed pump system so some people say it's harder to clean, and you have to work a harder to make sure it's clean enough and rid of possible mold that could build up in the motor area.

Looking more into the open/closed systems I read that many open systems are good because they allow more direct suction. Many now also have filters to make any air that seeps through the tubes not contaminate the milk.

I have to admit when I first looked at the cost I was thinking I'd try to breastfeed for the first 12 weeks, and go to formula... 12 weeks is better than zero right? And why spend so much money on a pump I may not be able to use? Or won't use? Or that won't work for a long time for me. But then... HELLO! Formula isn't cheap either! I asked the parents of the kid I babysit how much they pay and they say in the beginning it was close to $400 a month. Each can is $15-25 dollars and now... At 11 months he still drinks about 1 can a week. Obviously I'd pay for the cost of the pump pretty quickly.

So now... My worries and things I still want to learn:
-Ways to pump as much as I can while I'm on leave and save it for when I go back to work
-Ways to pump at work when I don't have a private office or much time to do so
-How to store milk best, and foods, herbs, things that can help with milk supply
-How my husband can be involved in feedings at night so we can alternate if we choose to

My biggest worry of them all is really doing it while working. My job is very demanding and I'm not sitting at a desk or office all day. I usually don't have time for lunch much less pumping breaks! I work 9-10 hour shifts and I'm usually either driving, filming, writing or editing... None of those are in private.

I know breast is best but to be honest the biggest thing keeping me from wanting to do for up to a year is the cost of formula. Either way.. Breast milk or formula, kids usually don't drink whole cow milk until they're a year old (please correct me if I'm wrong, I'd love to know otherwise). So I figure the longer I keep it coming the more we'll save. I imagine with my schedule and lifestyle we will have to do a mix after awhile, and I'm totally ok with that.

My husband and I initially thought pumps were pricey but after looking at the cost of formula we're hoping to invest in one and figure out how to make it work for us. He also wants to be able to help at night, whether that means bringing the baby to me, or feeding from a bottle some that's ok. Spawnie would obviously have to be bottle fed while I'm at work. If I automatically wake up at night to feed all of the time, great, but we're hoping to take turns if possible.

So... That's a LOT of information. But I'm glad I have it down. It's kind of a "starting point" I guess you could say. And I'll revisit the topic throughout my pregnancy. I already have a breastfeeding DVD to review, some boob cream to help with breastfeeding, as well as herbal tea and some boob leak pads. I even just won a feeding cover. So there will be MANY MORE post on this topic in the future!

If you made it this far CONGRATULATIONS! I'd love your advice and referrals on breast pumps, and any tips you may have on the questions I have above especially, or any other random advice you have on the topic! All I ask is you are respectful to my views, and the views of other people who may comment! In other words.. Be nice!

Adorable Baby Bedding Sets

I have been too exhausted to do anything but browse the Internet. I haven't been visiting or commenting on blogs... Or writing in my own for that matter. I've been one big fat blog slacker. Oh but I have an excuse... (Not that I really need one, but I kind of do so I don't feel so bad) I've been SICK. Oh yes, and it's weird being sick while being pregnant cause I'm not sure if I'm puking cause of morning sickness or cause of a stomach bug.

For the amount of puke I've witnessed spewing from my mouth I'm guessing it's a stomach bug. I was worried I'd puke Spawnie up with my dinner. Then I woke up sweating like crazy, then the next moment I was freezing. I should have taken my temperature but I haven't gotten around to it yet. I imagine it's not too bad, and I'm trying to stay hydrated. I hit 12 weeks on Friday... A milestone which now means I have around a 2% chance of miscarriage. Can I get a big WOOP!!?

We have another appointment on Tuesday and they'll check to hear Spawnie's heart beat for the first time. I can't wait! And I hope all it well. I think after this next appointment I'll be able to let out a huge sigh of relief, make an official announcement at my job, etc. I'm just praying it all goes well.

In order to calm my nerves about all of the ickyness I'm feeling I started shopping around for crib bedding I like. I first checked out Etsy and saw a few adorable designs for 4pc sets for under $200. With the skirt, blanket, sheets, bumper or whatever. But then a few friends on Twitter turned me on to JoJo Designs. I guess the are good-quality for a great price. Now I'm pretty much obsessed! I found a bunch of brand new 9 piece sets on eBay for $50.

I know some people say they won't use it/ care/ etc. But I've been waiting to decorate a nursery like my whole life, so I'm gonna enjoy this! We won't paint the room or anything so the lamps, diaper stackers, and decorations will have to add the full effect. We also have a queen bed in that room too, but it just has a white down comforter, so I need to try to get something that doesn't clash with that.

Here's what I love for if Spawnie is a boy (which apparently, most of you think it is):This one is by Jo Jo designs and it's in a 9pc set for a great price! It's my favorite I think. I think frogs are so cute for little boys.
Since a lion is my favorite animal I fell in love with this. It's by Kidsline. The 4pc set is $99.
Penguins are my second favorite animal. A friend showed me this design and I think it's so cute! This is by Cottontail Designs and it's $100-$150 depending where you buy (Amazon is cheaper!)

Now for the girl designs I love! I must say I still am not TOTALLY sold on any of these like I am the frog one, but they are all pretty and very different from each other! I'm not as big on animals and teddy bears for little girls as I am for boys. All of these are JoJo Designs.
I like the bumblebee cause it's simple and classy. But I'm feeling it's lacking pink (my favorite color)! I love love this one!! It's so different and I could just picture my little princess surrounded by this. While it's original, once again, it's lacking pink! I do love that it could grow with a toddler and kid though.This design reminds me of the way I decorated my bedroom when I was a teenager... To the T! And I STILL love it! I love that it's girlie yet somehow a little chic at the same time.
This rose design I think is cute and classy, but I wonder if it's too plain. I think it's really pretty though and fit for a little princess!

And because a couple of commenter mentioned Target and Walmart I decided to add a few designs I like from those stores too!
Target:
And once again I find the frogs I like. Then Walmart:And last but not least:
So what do you think? Which one of these is your favorite? (spare me bumper debates!) Have other nursery or bedding designers you like? Please share. I'm all for affordable but if you know of a great one that's on the pricey side still let me know, and maybe I'll win the lotto between now and then!

I Will NOT Pick My Kid's Nose!

You know how there are some things that people say "I'll NEVER do this... or that..." I'm sure we do that the most when it comes to planning for future children. We start when we're young.

"No mom, I'm not going to spank my kids"... "I'm going to let my kids eat all of the candy they want!"

Sure sure. Then when we get older, we make plans and say things like "I'm not going to get the epidural" or "I'm not going to force my kid to play such and such sport" or even something like "I'm not using those leash-things on my kid, " (I'm not).

Well, I try REALLY hard not to do that (often), but there's ONE thing I think I won't, can't/ WILL NOT be able to do.. And that's pick/ wipe/ TOUCH my kid's boogers with my BARE HANDS!

I've actually been meaning to write about my odd disgust since reading this post by my friend Mallory. I'm amazed by how moms can do this! Not that there is anything wrong with it. I commend you! Really! She shares a story of wiping a booger from her kid's nose and putting it... Well, you'll have to read it to see. I LOVE the story because it's so funny and I can just picture it happening, but I can't see myself grabbing that booger!! I'm not calling moms who do that gross... My mom did it to me... it grossed me out when she was doing it. It's just. not. me!

I don't have a problem with poop... Even puke I'm ok with (even more so that spit actually) but I HATE snot and I HATE boogers!!

Everyone keeps telling me it's normal, and say things like "Well, you wouldn't just leave it there!" Ok.. No, maybe I wouldn't. But if I didn't have a tissue I would. Maybe I'll be sure to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have tissues.

I can't even stick my fingers in my own nose, much less someone else's!

I worked in daycare for YEARS, and yes, I had to wipe snotty noses... But you'd better believe there were about 5 layers of tissue between my hand and their drippy face. And I honestly don't think it'll be much different for my own child.

I'm not going to swear I'll never do it, but I will put it on my list of things I doubt you'll catch me doing. In fact... I already have a plan in tact. My first child Snoop... He's going to help me.

If I'm ever in the predicament where there's a loose booger and/or snot and no tissue near by, Snoop will have to do the honors of licking it clean for me.

And if we're out in public away from my furry hero... My poor kid may just have to stay crusty booger-faced until we get to a stack of moist towelettes.

And for those of you who are making bets already... Tell me, did you think you'd pick boogers with your bare hands BEFORE having kids? Or was that a new found bravery once you had your first child?

The Distance Dilemma

With a family vacation including a family reunion on the cusp of my plans, it has me thinking a lot about how close is too close and how far is too far.

Growing up I didn't live close to cousins. Not that it made much of a difference, my eldest cousin is 10 years younger than me.

My grandmother and grandfather did live close for awhile. My grandmother lived just a city away from us in Georgia, I remember visiting her place, and her being there for my first day of Kindergarten, sometimes she'd pick me up from school. I imagine that must have been nice for my mom. But she and my grandfather moved West when I was still in elementary school.

My husband had the opposite experience. Most of his live he lived in the same county as most of his cousins. They all grew up together and had family get-togethers often.

When I first met his extended family--Exactly five years ago, it was quite overwhelming. It seemed like millions of screaming kids were running swarming all over the place. He didn't even know all of their names. I thought I'd never memorize his eight aunt and uncle's names... But after about a year I had their names, and their spouses names down.

I was never really turned on to the idea of living that close to so much family. Siblings and parents--Sure. But being an earshot away from a millions cousins? I wasn't so sure. After living near that for a few years, and now being away from that while thinking of having kids I'm getting a little sad thinking that our kids won't be near any of their grandparents.

Will my kids not get the same spoiling our siblings will because we live further away? Who will we trust to babysit our child? Will being too close be smothering? Will the benefits actually outweigh the downsides to the location?

I wouldn't want to put the burden of watching our kids on anyone who doesn't want to... But I imagine family wouldn't mind as much as others. Especially not grandparents.

I do believe there is such a thing as "too close." But that hasn't ever been a problem I worry too much about. Living a few hours away is nice because you're close enough for weekend trips, but gar enough away to avoid the "drop in."

I often find myself wondering if it's worth it to move closer to family to get those benefits, or if we'll make our own close friends--Like family, wherever we are, and have the same bond. Besides... I wasn't close to my family most of my life, and I made it just fine.

What do you think? Do you live close to family? Why or why not?

***

PS: Amidst my family reunion plans, I'll be taking a tiny break from my personal blog updates. I'll still be around, and perhaps have time for an update or two, but I'm planning something a little different and fun for all of you.

The week of a 6th I'll have a giveaway a day. I'm still working out the details but right now I have more than 20 sponsors. I'm hoping to get about 25, so if you know of someone who has a small business or makes things they'd like to have promoted here, have them holla at me at babymakingmachine{at}gmail.com.

The Irony

It's taken me all night and every bit of strength to muster up the energy to write this post. The past week--Few weeks even, have taken me through a whirlwind of emotions. I went from wanting a baby badly, to being scared out of my wits, to visiting my GYN and removing the non-essential hormones from my body... To then again more fear and confusion, none the less excitement and desire.

...All the while I've been learning to cope with feelings of jealousy I have towards other women going through the same feelings of desire but experiencing different results.

Three close friends of mine had pregnancy scares this past week.. Two of which are my very best friends--Both are in exact opposite positions. One wants a child badly (but is experiencing the same husband struggles I am) and the other wants nothing to do with a baby right now--In fact, she told me she'd catch up to me on my second or third kid.

You may remember her... My best friend from this post. Yesterday we talked and she told me she was late. I told her to buy a test, call me the second she knew, and jokingly said she may even beat me in having the first kid.-- When I got the text message today that said "OMG. Well God certainly has a sense of humor," I thought she was kidding but I knew she wasn't.

Now here I am going through a whole new whirlwind of emotions. I'm SO happy for her but I wish I was in her place. I'm mad at myself for wanting to be in her place and for wanting to get pregnant RIGHT THIS SECOND because I feel like that would be irrational... Out of jealousy--Selfishness--"Keeping up with the Jones"... Whatever, but all WRONG!

...But then part of me feels like it's not wrong. I DO want a child I'm just trying to figure out a few things first... And I feel like even if I DID do it now, BECAUSE some of my friends are pregnant I may wonder where my real intentions reside--It's one big internal confusing mess.

It's so easy to think "Leave it alone... You're not mentally stable, or ready, just give it some time." But I feel like this same cycle is going to keep happening to me forever--And no matter how long I wait, SOMEONE is going to be pregnant and I'm just going to feel that way regardless.-- Childish I know, but for some reason I had dreamed I'd be pregnant alone in the world... Or at least first in a bunch, and not feeling like a "copycat."

... Wow, when did I start to care so much about what other people think?

I'm sad because I feel like I'll never have the experience of an "unexpected pregnancy." I'm only going to experience the frustrating anxiety... The never ending countdowns--calenders-- Hopeful tests. I'm not very organized but I'm a huge planner. Friends in college joked with me about my life's plans. I always had it all mapped out the way I wanted it to go--Even now I'm trying to "stick to the plan," but all the while secretly praying the Lord intervenes and surprises me a little early.

I honestly don't feel like anyone can really "get me" right now. I don't think people understand how hard of a transition it is... But I can't possibly be the only woman in the world stuck between wife and mother--Scared to go down the road with no return. It's SCARY! I try to put on a happy face around my husband--Knowing if he sees my fear it's never going to happen. But I'm terrified too. And it's worse knowing no matter how much preparation I'll never really be ready. --That's what everyone keeps saying.

I'm not TTC so I can't complain right?--That's what people think.--I can't complain because I haven't been unsuccessful with conceiving yet... I haven't experienced a miscarriage, or a loss--But somehow I feel like I'm losing part of myself along this difficult journey.

Perhaps that's a part of the territory. Maybe I'm losing a little while I'm gaining a lot, but right now I can't see through my tears, I can only see confusion, only feel angry, scared, sadness.

I feel like I'm right at the edge of the double dutch game, not quite ready to jump in, but not about to run off and keep playing hopscotch either. Lately I'm actually finding comfort in my limbo state. I'm a planner... I like to know what I'm getting myself into and I really ENJOY planning--I don't mind revisions. And while I'm slowly being tortured in my middle-ground it's almost becoming a pleasant pain... Call me a masochist. Maybe the longer I wait the better it will feel. Maybe the pain will fade and I'll only feel the pleasure.

My best friend told me I could hurry up and catch up with her but there are two things in my way... 1. My period and 2. I have to wait until June for a girl-- There I go with my planning again. When will I ever learn?

The Discombobulation

I have a million topics and ideas flowing through my mind for my blog but none of them seem like the right thing to write about right now. I feel like I need to document my progress at the task at hand and let this be my night's notion.

Ok first off... Mission sort of successful with not talking about babies as much. My friends at work keep flaunting their adorable babies at me so I just can't help myself!! I just cave... But I don't say anything about ME having babies per-say, I just talk about how cute their babies are. I'm being good about not threatening to steal them anymore. I think that made people think I was crazy. I do take part in baby topics and interesting things I'm learning form you all about birth and labor and babies and random facts I had no idea about (I feel another "things they don't tell you" post coming on). All of a sudden I had been deemed the "obsession girl," I corrected them though, and we settled for the term "intrigued." I'm intrigued by all things baby right now. Plus, there's another girl I work with who I think I've converted to wanting a kid, and she's kind of starting to take my spot as the "obsessed one"--Mission nearly accomplished. Although I'm not the one who is pregnant or has a baby I'm finding myself always in the middle of conversations about random labor/pregnancy/ pre-pregnancy facts ie: Eating your placenta is good for you. Interesting-- Yes. But will I or anyone I know do it--Umm, no, probably not. But it make for interesting conversation right? And who else would know that (or maybe just bring it up) but me? Although I've backed off from bringing the conversations up, I'm finding they're coming to me now... And get this... I'm even getting to watch this little cutie a couple days a week soon once his mommy goes back to work, thanks to my known love for kiddos. So I guess my "intriguedness" is paying off.

Anyway, another one of my friends announced her pregnancy this week. This one wasn't on my cool list... I actually haven't known her long enough to put her on it, so she was kicked off before even getting on *sigh.*

In other news, I've decided I'm going to get my IUD taken out next month. Have I mentioned that yet? I may have said that I was thinking about it, but now I'm thinking I'm going to. We're going to the doctor in a few weeks and I'm going to set an appointment then to get it taken out. This doesn't mean I'm turning the Baby Making Machine "ON" it just means I'm warming it up. I'm hoping by taking it out it'll give me time to get the hormones out of my system and track my... Ya know. They say you should be able to get pregnant right away once you get it taken out but I figure this will warm both of us up to the idea more, and put us a baby step closer to being ready. Some people have told me about a couple of books to get when you get to this stage. Remind me of them and a few more again! I will be stopping by yalls Amazon linky portal thingies!

I've been thinking a lot about that lately... Being ready that is. I've been feeling pretty rock steady about my feelings on the matter lately, but I'm also praying for patients and understanding. I've applied for a few jobs for my husband and he has an interview for one on Monday (aren't I awesome?) I feel like if he gets this job he'll feel a lot better about money and whatnot... But I'm also not setting myself up for disappointment. I'm trying to be understanding and realistic.

Do you remember Pres. Monson's talk last conference called "The Joy in the Journey"? That was part of the inspiration for this blog and I've been thinking about that talk a lot lately. He tells us to enjoy the messes on the floor when your kids are young because one day they'll be all grown up.. etc etc. Well I'm thinking the same way about life now. I don't want to spend all of my time worrying about "when" we're taking the next step. I'm really going to try to enjoy where we're at right now... Even if it's just enjoying the quiet alone time we have now to cuddle and watch movies together every night... We won't get much of that once we have kids. Enjoying the time we have picking up and going for a drive at a moments notice. Going on vacations. Out to a quiet dinner. Pigging out on junk food and staying up late talking about our future and goals we have. A lot of those things we'll still get to do, but not as freely. I really am going to try to focus on enjoying what we do have now, and where we are, rather than taking away from what we're experiencing NOW, because I'm too focused on the future.

Regardless of what happens in the near future, I'm so blessed to have what we have, and I'm SO excited for General Conference. I can't help but feel like I'll get it this time--Get something, we'll see.

The Strange Request

I worry a lot, sometimes excessively. I also have a very bad case of "The what-if syndrome." Meaning I start with "what if..." then add an extreme example of a minute possibility, but still feel a definite need to think of how to solve the problem, or answer the question.

One of the questions I have is "What if my husband dies?" While I don't dwell on all of the details of that question the main, immediate problem I see is not about money, or even my sure-to-be life changing rage of depression... No, the thought that crosses my mind is having his babies... Still.

Some of you are probably wondering how that's possible. Others, like me, may be picking up what I'm putting down... And maybe a few of you are several steps ahead of me and already have a freezer full of your man's swimmers.

You read right. I'm talking about saving the goods for later. Storing a little bit of him in case he dies before we have kids. Extreme? Yes. But I think I have good intentions. I really would like to see what OUR kids would look like, and I want to have HIS kids!

I haven't asked him yet, but I'm pretty sure if I do he'll just look at me strange and assume I'm joking. Plus how do I bring something like that up? "Hey baby, here's a cup, do you mind...?"

I think this gives a whole new meaning to family planning.

The Beginning

"My brothers and sisters, there is no tomorrow to remember if we don’t do something today." That's what President Monson (Leader of the LDS church) said during General Conference in October.

There are lots of things I've told myself I'll do later... Study, clean the house, do the laundry for once. More specifically, there are things I've said I'll do once we have kids or before I get pregnant...Learn how to cook, exercise, eat better.

A blog may have not been what he had in mind, but an idea for a blog came to my mind after hearing that talk. I'm going to use that statement as a guide, and I'm going to document a specific journey here.

If you couldn't tell, this blog is about baby making... Sort of. Ok, not really. I'm not sure when I'm going to start having children (spawn, I like to call them sometimes). The date I have in mind fluctuates.

If you know me, you know I'm a planner. I like to plan trips, special occasions, career moves, everything. I like to set goals and deadlines. I wouldn't call myself a control freak, especially not when it comes to little day to day things. But when it comes to planning my life, I can be (but hey, is it really a bad thing?).

In the talk I quoted earlier President Monson quotes a line from The Music Man saying “You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you’ve collected a lot of empty yesterdays.”

Well folks, I don't want empty yesterdays. I dedicate this blog to my questions, my explorations, my journey through pregnancy preparations. I'm deeply intrigued by pregnancy, labor, infants, and children. When I have a close friend experiencing these things I'll often ask them a million questions about their experiences. It may be a while before I document any of my personal pregnancy experiences so for now I'll write about my planning, my practicing, my thoughts, and ask you for tips along the way.

So join in, please, feel free to add your own opinions or advice. I'm open to discussions, or any other idea you may have. Most of all, I hope you enjoy reading about my journey!