The Stress

I have a sick feeling in my stomach... And NO, it's not that. I'm not feeling my normal, chipper, optimistic self. It's like I'm at a crossroads, but there's like 12 different ways I could go... And my head feels like it could EXPLODE if I think of them all. Career, family, life... Everything is spinning.

I hate being a girl... That's what I blame my emotional swings on... The fact that I'm a woman. I swear today I woke up in the WORST mood. Then I eventually got better and got over whatever was making me mad. I was really happy, then I got mad again. Hormones--I hate you! go away! ...And take Aunt Flow with you!

I just feel so confused right now. I don't understand how I can have so much of my life "planned" and in order but still feel so completely all over the place! I hate it!

I feel like the things that define me now... Aren't exactly how I want to be defined. I use to be so ambitious and want to conquer... Everything and lately I'm feeling contempt, and kind of boring... Or the things I do want to achieve I don't feel like I can. But I don't want to be boring. I hate boring!

I'm usually the kind of woman that sees the glass half-full, I'm optimistic, and feel like it CAN be done... But right now I feel like I can't do ANYTHING. I can't achieve my goals... I can't make new ones, I can't get anything done, and I feel like I'm in over my head with the simplest of tasks... And I don't even have to take care of anyone but myself...

A year ago if you asked me where I wanted to be a year from then I would have said working in a bigger city and making more money. Last week I would have said I wanted to start [expanding] our family... Today, I'm just not sure. I HATE going back and forth, I feel silly, but I feel like I shouldn't be so confused.

I don't get it. I feel like I've been doing better on the spiritual side of things, and now this? My only guess is that the Adversary wants to work harder to bring me down. I know God won't give me anything I can't handle, but sometimes I think He pushes my limits.

A really hot guy once told me "You're too blessed to be stressed" and I try to remember that... But it's not always easy.

I wish I could be one of those people who just lives life as it goes, seeing where life takes them, not worrying about where they land. I'm kind of too much of a control freak. I like to know what's going on, where I'll be next week, next month, next year. And I like to plan accordingly.

I hate encountering this side of myself, it makes me feel pathetic.

The Non-Pregnancy/Baby/Fertility Post

I'm doing this for the 12 people so far who say they'd like to see more posts on things other than that stuff... This is for you, so I hope you're reading this! Other than the title of this post I won't mention the "B" word or talk about my plans to become... You know. I'll warn you though that you may be pretty disappointed because my life... It really isn't that exciting. But let this be my exercise,... my experiment, and we'll see how it goes.

I'm really tired right now because I worked the early-morning shift at work. Meaning I had to be at work at 5am and I was live on TV by 6. What was I talking about?-- Back to school shopping and tax-free weekend. I also did a story about unique students using innovative technology at a school in Texas. I'm not sure if I mentioned before but I am an education reporter so I work a lot at schools, and covering stories about topics related to students and parents.

One thing that's weird about having a job like I do is when people know what I do... They ask me random facts, expecting me to know everything. Like yesterday a lady in my neighborhood asked me when Cash for Clunkers ends. I really wanted to tell her to look it up but I was trying to be nice. She gave me her cell phone number so I could call her and tell her later. Yes, I work for the news but I can't remember the dates and number and names of everything!

I'm not sure why but the rest of this post has transformed into a combination of my random thoughts right now so umm... Sorry.

I'm really craving some potato chips right now... Not sure why.

I can't wait to take a nap... I love naps.

I'm a little sick of seeing Rob Patterson on the cover of every magazine... I mean, ok if he's going to be a cover model but can he get a different pose? I'm tired of that blank zoolanderish look. The Edward in my mind is way hotter.

I went to the store last night to get some grapes and I came out with everything but grapes. I hate when that happens!

...Then when I was leaving I couldn't find my car. I hear they have an ap for that but I haven't looked it up yet.

Before bed, I set my alarm for 3:30, thinking I'd wake up extra early and eat a nice breakfast and relax before getting ready for work... Did that happen?--Am I kidding? I woke up at 4:30.

I really want to whiten my teeth some more. I've been using Crest white strips and they work SO GOOD, but I have to remember to use them twice a day. I've been using them more like once every-other day. Not sure that has the same effect.

I'm going to get the Canon Rebel XS sooner than I thought! I am planning to get it in the next couple of weeks... I've saved enough. But the downside?... In order to get it early (before Christmas) I have to "help" my husband with his papers for his independent study class. You ladies with hubbys who hate to write know what that means!

I'm tempted to just go out and buy it anyway but I'm sure that wouldn't go over well. I think we have an unwritten rule that we don't spend more than $40 on a single item without asking the other.

Wow... I know just because I'm not writing about one topic doesn't mean I have to write about 50 others at one time, but apparently that's all I can do at the moment. At least now you have a glimpse into the small portion of my brain that's NOT thinking about you-know-what.

And added for your entertainment purposes... Pictures I was taking today when I got home from work. I was trying to get a cute picture of me and Snoop but he kept licking my face at the last second!Close but he looked away!!

And then hubs wanted in on the picture fun too... Snoop didn't dare lick his face!

For those of you who'd like to read more personal stories or topics other than little people, any particular thing you're wondering about? ... Or have I bored you enough? Just askin!

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Winner of my Conceive Goodie Bag giveaway according to Random.org: #37 CageQueen! Congrats!! Email your address to babymakingmachine{at}gmail{.}com

The Resolutions

2008 was a good year for me. Here are some of the things I did:

-I adopted my puppy Snoop
-Graduated college, and spoke at my graduation ceremony
-Continued reporting for a station in Salt Lake City and quit before I could get laid off.
-I got a new (better) job as an anchor/reporter in the WARM city of Austin, Texas.
-Became a suga mama
-Learned how to sew
-Started a dog collar business (still trying to make my money back)
-Made new friends
-Got an iPhone :o)
-Celebrated my 4 year anniversary
-Started "monthly mini-vacations" with my hub-a-lub
-Cried less
-Grew up more
-Became an avid blogger

This year I hope to:

-Learn how to cook
-Eat better
-Give up caffeine
-Read the good books daily
-Go on more real vacations
-Enjoy one of the last years without spawn
-Learn Yoga
-Exercise more (aka ever)
-Keep a good blogging streak
-Volunteer more
-Babysit
-Be a better wife
-Get back into the habit of writing a daily journal
-Start a gratitude journal
-Pray more
-Be brutally honest
-*Get knocked up


*= maybe

I have a feeling 2009 has a lot in store for me. Between my three blogs and two journals, I'll have a lot of stuff to look back and read. Moving to a new place for the first time in 5 years has been a new challenge for me, but I think it'll give me the opportunity to grow in ways I didn't know. Hopefully 2009 will bring me growth in my career, marriage, relationships and spirituality.

Cheers to 2009!