Even going to the bathroom is hard

Why do moms always say how hard it is for them to go to the bathroom by themselves? Or take a shower? Seriously, is it that hard to leave your baby outside the bathroom door while you do your business? Yes, yes it is. Not only I can attest to this, so can my poor husband who watches her during the day. Showers and most bathroom breaks are reserved for when I get home and he can pass her on to me. I think this concept is something you can't quite get a grasp of until you're in the situation.

I used to be able to spend my bathroom breaks relaxing. Read a book, play angry birds, whatever. Now each time I take a potty break I'm trying to be faster than the last because just as I'm sitting down it's--STOP, DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH! Or, "It's ok, mommy's coming back" because she can't last 10 seconds without seeing my face.

This love letter earlier this week seemed so fitting because I don't know how many times I've gone to the bathroom only to find myself stranded with no TP. It sucks. And the worst part about it is knowing if only I had noticed the empty roll five seconds earlier I could have grabbed some from the closet.

It's easily resolved when my husband is home. I holler down to him to bring me a new roll. But when he's not home I've got some big decisions to make.

This debilitating circumstance is even worse since having a little one. I'm either racing the clock to relieve myself before she notices I'm gone, or trying to squat and play defense so she doesn't get into something she's not supposed to. It's not fun. And I can't tell you how many times I've resorted to using sheets from the paper towel roll we have sitting in our bathroom. Ouch. But it's better than nothing. Sorta. Why do we have paper towels in the bathroom but but we can't seem to replace the TP roll? Not a clue. I'd blame it on my hubby but I'm just as guilty.

I wonder if I had more toilet paper in my house this wouldn't happen. Right now White Cloud is selling their TP with 50% more, plus you can get $1 off  with this coupon so it averages out to dirt cheap.

I'm joining the White Cloud Roll-Volution because when you've gotta go, you need all the toilet paper you can get. Do any of these TP disasters look familiar? I've fallen victim to all of them, but if they should really add a fifth photo that looks like this...

Because sadly, toilet paper even gets eaten in my house.

Will I ever be able to use the bathroom in peace again? How soon? Five years? Ten years? To those without kids, enjoy your peaceful time on the throne while it lasts.

You can take a quiz to find out which suspect you live with on White Cloud's Roll-Volution page, where they're giving away $25 Walmart gift cards each day. Fan them on facebook and like them on Twitter for more fun and future giveaways too.

*I'm a White Cloud Blogger and am compensated for my time preparing this post. All opinions expressed are my own.

Show me a perfect mom I'll show you a broken nose

I sat across the table from a woman who had her three kids in tote.  We were having lunch with a mutual friend and waiting on our food. My daughter was getting fidgety in her high chair, so I did my best to entertain her with Mum Mums, and toys before her steamed veggies arrived.

When I looked up and across the table I noticed the woman across from me also entertaining her children. But with sugar packets. One by one I saw her reach into the container holding sugar and wannabe-sugar, open up the packets, and pour them on her son and daughter's drink coasters. Her two and three year olds were as quiet as can be as they licked their fingers and dipped them into the growing pile of white goodness.

I couldn't help but chuckle. Here I was feeling guilty for not wiping the table down an extra time before letting my daughter devour a banana, while this experienced mom of three pacified her kids with Equal.

I had to tell her how funny it looked. And I laughed as I wondered how many other moms do this when no one is watching.
You know how people say with your first baby if their paci falls to the floor you pick it up, sanitize it, run it through the washing machine, re-sanitize etc before putting it back in their mouth? Then with the second kid you rinse it off in the sprinklers, with the third child you blow on it and dust it off on your pant leg? Well, let's just say I'm trying to treat all of my children equally and I'm just skipping to the third child tendencies.

While I don't see myself letting my kids down a bag of sugar while I'm making dinner, I understand no one is perfect.

So why do I feel like I have to be?

I spent a lot of time thinking about how I wanted my daughter to come into this world, what kind of diapers she should wear, what to bathe her with, pre-washing her stuff, deciding where she sleeps, what she's eating at what age, agonized about pumping and providing breastmilk, and whether or not she feeds herself or I help her and so much more. But when I stop and think about these decisions and then think about the scope of the rest of her life I can't help but think these decisions aren't what's most important, nor what will have the biggest impact on her life.

So what if I practice baby-led weaning and she can use a spoon when she's eight months old. Ladeefreakinda. She doesn't get a medal. Nether do I. And what, is Harvard going to be knocking down my door, promising a full-ride scholarship to be used 18 years from now because my infant can use a spoon? Unfortunately no. 

I could care less if my mom let me cry to sleep or not. As far as I know it didn't have an effect on me. And despite feeding me formula I've turned out pretty healthy,  I don't hold it against her the least bit. I'm sure she tried her best and I'm thankful for that.

She taught me about commitment, about compassion, charity and integrity. She taught me values, respect, and showed me how to love. All of those things made me who I am today. Made me who I'm proud to be.

I'm not a perfect mom. But no one is. I was spanked, (actually I got woopins, which in my opinion is much worse than the "spankings"people gasp over) and I'm not against them.

I spent half an hour in torment up and down the baby isle debating which teething remedy I should get my daughter. Hylands or Orajel, tablets or gel? Which was best? Would the wrong one kill her?

But then in the same instant I let my daughter eat paper, and only stop her when I realize she's gagging on her spit wads or eating something I need.

something I need

Lately I've been trying to be better about spending quality time with my husband because I think my relationship with him will make a bigger mark on my daughter's life. More so than whether or not the apple I'm feeding her is organic.

It's not to say that spending extra time researching good things for her isn't worth it, but sometimes I think it's easy to get caught up in the hype and marketing of what people tell us what's best, when really, what we teach them has far more impact.

I don't know any mom who has it all down pat. Who doesn't ever get frustrated, occasionally yell, feed her kids junk food (or sugar packets), or peeks to see if anyone's looking as she dusts the paci she just picked up off the floor on her pant leg before putting it back in her baby's mouth.

You show me a perfect mom and I'll show you a broken nose. Because no one should be that good and have a perfect face.

10.5 seconds to make it good

How fast can you move in 10.5 seconds? Can you set up a camera while holding a wiggly baby, run to your pinpointed position, and pose with your child before the timer goes off? I gave it a shot yeserday.

Since I'm getting into photography, want to get better and want to connect with other photo hobbiest I finally upgraded my Flickr account to pro, joined a couple groups, and even added a nifty widget to my sidebar.

When I was browsing around in one of my groups I noticed this gorgeous photo of a mother and daughter. She also has a biracial daughter and I just loved their faces side by side and the contrast reminded me of my daughter and I. I noticed in her description she said it was a self portrait-Waa? And that she had cropped her remote out of the shot. She was also linked up to the group "Self-Portrait with CHILD."

Despite having a pretty expensive camera, my husband can't seem to snap a decent picture with it. I frequently ask him if he'll take a picture of Lil' J and I and he'll sigh, but he'll do it. But it's almost always blurry. After about 10 times of saying "Ok now this time try it this way..." he gets really annoyed and no one is really happy at that point. He's ready to go watch sports, Lil' J is tired of us and our silly faces, and I'm just so darn picky and aggravated that he's not getting it right. So I thought trying to capture a self-portrait wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Now I don't have a tripod for my camera, which this woman had. I also don't have a remote. But I have a nifty self timer button, and can run REALLY fast.

There's a spot in our neighborhood I love to go to take pictures. It's a wide open area with lots of trees and green grass. The ground isn't level so I thought I could set my camera up high, then run down the hill, fix my hair, pose with Lil' J, and have the camera snap just in time.

When we got across the street I noticed a fallen tree was slumped at the top of the hill, so I decided to improvise used that as my tripod. I laid our quilt down, put my daughter on it, framed the shot toward her, then made a mental note of how much space I had. I set the timer for 10 seconds (it was that or two seconds) and ran.

The first photo wasn't so bad but my head was cut off. I realized this was a lot of energy for one photo at a time, so I changed the setting to snap 5 pictures in a row. Ran, and did it again.  After doing that a few times I had gotten a couple of good shots but not quite what I was hoping for. The first three photos I'd be setting up the pose and the last two were somewhat decent but not enough to choose from. So I changed the setting to snap 10 photos in a row and went at it again. Now I was getting somewhere.
The funny thing was Lil' J liked the sound the camera made when it was rapid firing she would look at it and laugh, which made for a great photo.

After running back and forth a few more times, and surely confusing my poor child I was stoked when I saw my last shot, and I knew it was time to stop. I got it!


I showed it to my husband and he was impressed, but then when I showed him the picture that inspired me he said "Oh so you copied it?" No! Ok, well sorta, I copied the pose, but that's not illegal! Besides, I was limited by height because I don't have a tripod. And who is he to judge me anyway?

My photos aren't as cute as the original one that inspired me but I'm working on it! I uploaded it to that flicker group and I'm going to try some more of these as long as the weather stays warm, Lil' J cooperates and I can come up with different pose ideas. Taking pictures is becoming my new favorite thing to do on my day off. I just ordered a wireless camera remote for my camera for $3.50 off ebay so that should save me from running back and forth (even though the exercise is warranted). Lil' J loves playing outside and I love the memories, so it's a all good all around.

Self-portraits are a neat little photo challenge, especially with a baby, and aside from our shoot before her baby blessing, these are some of the best photos of us together. Figures. You want something done right you've gotta do it yourself!

Women Are the Shiznit

Shiznit:
adj. 1) the best; 2) the greatest, in a certain category or universally.
"Women are the Shiznit."

I don't know how women do it, yet I'm one of them. I keep thinking I've gotta be the busiest mom alive but then I look around and realize a third of the women I work with are moms. Some of them have more than one child. Sometimes I still wonder if they are as busy as I am but I can't flatter myself, I'm sure they have it just as bad.

After putting in 9-10 hours at work, including a couple pumping breaks, coming home, gladly taking my daughter out of my husband's hands to give him a break and let him do the things he wants to do. I feed her a gazillion times, play with her, pet the dog, put her to bed, and give my husband attention (and doing this all on a minimum amount of sleep, mind you, because someone (I'm not going to mention any names) is waking up more in the middle of the night again) there's no time left for me. None. And I don't even cook! I do do some laundry now since we're cloth diapering, but everything else? It's forgotten.

My house is a disaster--Not that I really care. My husband does manage to straighten up from time to time (ok, more than I do, I'll admit!). But I'm just saying, if I added in all of the extra things I want to do that aren't really fun, like cooking a home made family meal a few times a week, and cleaning, I really wouldn't have time for things I really like to do like shopping, blogging, or making some hair bows for my daughter, or a new leash set for my poor neglected dog, or this thing called sleep.

On my day off I try my best not to ask my husband to do things for our daughter because I know he does it all week, and I've missed her, so I want to spend time with her. But at the end of the day, when she's finally in bed, I'm actually getting a chance to open my laptop, reply to emails, and fulfill my side jobs, but I get a guilt trip for staying up late alone. Plus, during these late night internet escapades, I'm sacrificing precious sleep to have a few moments to do this... Blog. A hobby I feel slipping away--Drowning underneath the tide of my busy schedule.

Alas, here I am. Writing away. Complaining. So no more of that.

But really, I'm just pondering about my life, and the business of it all. It's kind of funny. Especially when I consider much of my business at home consist of imprinting my butt cheeks into the sofa while I feed my daughter. I've tried multitasking, but after a scare with a hot glue gun and sticky baby hair, I decided it's best if I confine the multitasking while nursing to my iPhone.

I'm used to being able to do it all. Balance a gazillion things at one time. Run from one obligation to another, and collapse at the end of the day. Now, I'm passing opportunities I normally would give my right arm for, because I really and truly don't have time. I don't like saying no, but it's a word I'd had to add to my vocabulary.

I used to think if I was a superhero I'd want the ability to read minds. Now I think if I was a superhero I'd want the ability to live without sleep. How cool would that be? I'd have eight whole hours to myself (minus middle of the night feedings). I wouldn't have to feel guilty because everyone would be asleep and I could just get things done.

There'd be 3am trips to Wally World, late night vacuuming, and menu planning. Probably another job somewhere in the mix. Ah. If only I had super powers.

But really, us women. We are superheros. I don't see men doing all of the things we do. And when they attempt to do half of it they whine the whole time.

My husband? He gets a break when I'm off work. Me? I get a break at 1am. Or in this case, 10pm cause they're both already in bed.

I don't need a cape and tights to prove I'm the shiz. It's written on all over my face.

PS: Thank you SO MUCH for your encouraging words on my last post! Hubby and I are in dire need of a date... I think but no need in beating myself up about it! We went out with baby today but hopefully in the next week or so it'll be sans Lil' J.

Breastfeeding: A Love Story

So many women think breastfeeding is a natural thing that will just happen organically after birth. I didn't.

Maybe it's my hypersensitivity or the way I always happen to run into the horror stories, but I was preparing myself for the worst.

I defended formula feeders because I was formula fed and really, who am I to care, much less judge someone for their decisions on how they feed their child? I'd expect the same respect.

Choosing to breastfeed started as an attempt, something I thought I'd endure through blood, sweat and tears just so I could save money. After my baby came, I waited. And the blood and sweat never showed up.

There were tears though--Oh there were tears. But not from the pain like I imagined it would be.

There was pain. In the beginning as I got used to her latching on. Then the cramping breastfeeding would cause in my uterus returning to it's smaller size. But I made it through those moments.

The first night home was the worst. That's when the tears came. My milk hadn't come in and my baby wanted to eat all night. Looking back I guess I could have supplemented that first night home to calm her cries but then, I didn't know they were because if hunger. Nevertheless we survived.

Now, her having nothing but food from me, and having made it through the proclaimed "Hell weeks" I have a little internal game going on. How long will my milk be all she gets?

I don't plan on nursing past a year right now, but before, a year even seemed like an impossible feat. Mostly because of my job. Now I'm optimistic, though I know the day she finally eats something else will be a shot to my pride. My 13.5 pound 7 week baby came from me... I did that! It's amazing to see.

I'm returning to work soon and I've been pumping daily to have a stash, and I hope to keep pumping when I start working. Hopefully enough to not have to supplement for a while.

I have a can of formula in my cupboard. Enfamil sent it to me and I didn't throw it away like many suggested. It's not like I don't have will power, or like it's poison. There may be one day I need it, or perhaps I'll donate it. I know many friends who tried to breastfeed and couldn't or didn't for whatever reason, and it wasn't an easy transition for any of them.

I cried when my baby had her first bottle at two weeks, fearing she wouldn't breastfeed again.

Then I cried at six weeks when we tried to give her her second, third and forth bottle, but she wouldn't take it.

I thought breastfeeding would be something I would just endure until I couldn't stand to do it anymore, but instead it's become something I love more than I could have imagined.

Why Co-sleeping SUCKS (for me)

Just when I think I'm undoubtedly becoming the fastest granola mom convert in history, the breaks are screeching to a halt at co-sleeping.--Which is like I dunno, number two on the list of things crunchy moms do.

I know technically "co-sleeping" means sharing a room (which I like and is recommended by the AAP), and not necessarily "bed sharing" (which I don't like and is discouraged by the AAP) but for the sake of consistency, I'm talking about bed sharing right now.

One of the first times I co-slept with my daughter was an accident. I woke up from my deep slumber and said a silent prayer--thanking God for not letting me kill my daughter.

Co-sleeping advocates tell me breastfeeding moms who are sober don't/won't/can't/never roll over on their babies but guess what people?... My rule is never say never.

A few nights later I fell asleep with my daughter again but woke up a couple hours later to her piercing scream beneath me. Case in point.

No more co-sleeping for us.

Fast forward about a month. We have a feeding routine down at night. She sleeps next to me in her bassinet, I can hear her when she stirs, and feed her quickly while half asleep, then place her back in her bed. She's down to waking up once a night around 4:30. She's up again around 7, then she'll sleep until 9 or 10. At the 7 o'clock feeding I'd pull her in bed with me and dose off as she ate. The sun is up, and I am more rested from the night and feel safer about it.

It's fun to still feel like I'm waking up to my cute cuddle bug but not feel like I'm putting her at risk the whole night.

I wrote about my co-sleeping fears of squishing my future child in March of 2009, then questioned co-sleeping and a sex life shortly after. I wanted to know if and how people still got it on. I got a wide range of comments. Most assuring me they still got it on either other places around the house or with the baby in the bed. I'm finding many make it sound as though co-sleepers have this A-Mazing sex life and the rest of us are missing out. Who knew bringing your child to bed is all ya need to spice things up and bring out the freak in you?

Seven weeks after having a baby, getting it on is not on my wish list. For me, co-sleeping is an excuse so I don't HAVE to get busy. So far it's working wonderfully. Lil' J keeps the ladies occupied just long enough so I know I'm in the clear, then I put her down.

I do miss cuddling with my husband but cuddling just sends mixed messages and, um--I'll stick to cuddling with the baby for now.

While visiting my family in Atlanta Lil' J and I share a bed. I keep my arm around her so I don't roll over on top of her, but it's really putting a damper in her routine.

Instead of waking up once a night to eat she's kicking and slapping me all night, plus headbutting my boobs trying to get some.--Milk that is.

Maybe professional co-sleepers have it down, I don't know what they do--Sleep topless (that would explain five paragraphs up)? But I can't seem to get back to sleep after she's punched me awake for the 50th time.

Plus, it's HOT!!

I got warm cuddling with my husband but I could move away after awhile. With Little J, I feel like I need to keep my arm around her so she doesn't roll face down into our fluffy bed, or scoot off the edge (yea, she would). So I'm smoldering all night next to my mini me.

Sure, she sleeps great, all you can eat buffet right next to you, just wake up the chef and place your order. She'll hook you up!

She's eating way more, and I don't think it's a growth spurt coincidence because during her growth spurts she'll eat more during the day and she's not now. But come on, be honest. If you had cupcakes in bed with you, you'd snack on them every hour too.

She could be comfort nursing because we're in a new environment... A Twitter friend suggested this.

We'll see.

All I know is if this week of co-sleeping makes it so my daughter is sleeping with me until she's 5, we're going to have some major problems.

M.I.A.

No, I didn't die/get killed/lost forever in NYC. We had a blast! So much so that I'm still recuperating! So much so that I've had my longest no-blogging streak. I envy people who manage to have time and energy to whip those recap posts up right away... Granted I'm pretty sure I had the youngest baby there, so I have a good excuse. Lil' J was a GREAT Piggies and Paws model (and happy to be one), and we are SO glad they sent us! Check them out for affordable custom artwork using your kiddos hand and foot prints! They have great videos of examples on their Facebook Page. She's wearing an example of their new line soon to be announced!

I have LOTS to say about BlogHer, and other big big big BIG rants regarding controversial issues I'm already witnessing and experiencing in motherhood (yes, already!). But you know how you can't write about something until you write about the other stuff that happened first? I'm having that dilemma. I can't write about the other stuff until I recap BlogHer. As soon as I can get my thoughts together and put down I'll share it all.

Sadly I'm going back to work in less than six weeks. I cry every time I think about it, so I'm going to try not to dwell on that right now. Whoever said I'd be begging to go back to work once I spent some time at home was LYING!... Or just didn't know me. But it's ok, I didn't know me either. And I didn't know I'd be loving this so much.

Anyhoo... I'm trying to keep the computer out of reach, and my daughter in my arms as long as possible. So SORRY if you have sent me an email, or something and I haven't responded. I'll catch up soon! I'm NOT ignoring you. Even if you emailed me two months ago--I'm that far behind!!

I haven't uploaded my pictures from BlogHer yet so for now I'll leave you with this picture my friend from Grand Felicity Photography took during our mother-daughter shoot in Utah right before our trip to NYC. (Photography session giveaway coming soon!)

Motherhood With a Side of Paranoia

I took nap with my daughter the other day and when we awoke I noticed she was cross-eyed. Actually it was more like reverse-cross-eyed. One of her eyes was looking at me and the other was drifting off to the left. I immediately wondered if my sleeping with her could have caused this new development.--Caused her to go blind.

I yelled to my husband to have him come look and I held back the tears I could feel forming.

"She always looks like that," he told me.

"She always looks cross-eyed?" I didn't believe it. Anyways, I had stared at her 1000Xs more than he had. I would have noticed.

"She's just tired, she just woke up," he tried to console me, and hide a chuckle.

"What if she's going blind?" My paranoia wouldn't let down.

He snapped his fingers in his direction and she looked over at him. I was satisfied but only later thought of the fact that she could have been reacting to the sound of him snapping and not his fingers moving.

I fed her, and kept watching her eyes and noticed when she was looking normal again. Then I realized this is going to be a long hard journey.

I'm a hypochondriac. I've pretty much always self-diagnoised myself with all sorts of sicknesses and diseases. I claim I have mono when I'm actually just sleepy. I'm convinced I have a heart disease because I watched a special about Marfans on the Health Channel and so many of the symptoms explain my issues. I thought I had cancer when I discovered a lump in my breast (I actually did have to have it surgically removed. Luckily it was benign, but you can imagine my fear when they said it wasn't a cyst).

Now, unfortunately my delusions have carried over with my child. I can't read anything about babies and illness without worrying about Lil' J.

I pray every night that she'll be alive when I wake up and often jump up startled in the middle of the night when I realize I haven't heard her stir in awhile. I googled "green poop" when I saw a diaper full of it this morning. I hate that I'm acting this way but truthfully, I've done this with my dog--So it's only expected that with my own child it's magnified by a thousand.

Some friends told me about baby motion monitors and I'm thinking of getting one. This may put me in the category of "cuckoo" but I think it'll also give me a little piece of mind, and maybe help me sleep a little better.

I've heard a lot of good things about the Angel Care monitor but I'm thinking of getting a Snuza since it's more easily portable and has a vibration that will ring on baby if se doesn't breath or move for 15 seconds. The alarm sounds 5 seconds later if still nothing.

It's not about vanity, it's about my sanity. I'm not sure if I'll ever be sane again--Now that I'm a mom, but at least I can admit I need help.

CNS Stores sells bedroom vanity items, and nursery amenities including a few motion baby monitors and I'm hoping to buy one soon!- Sponsored.

2012

Three weeks ago I didn't understand why moms would say it's hard to go to the bathroom or take a shower in peace once you have a child. I didn't understand how nursing can be so much easier than feeding my child formula.

A year ago I had changed hundreds of other people's babies' diapers, but it wasn't until these past few weeks that I got to experience changing a diaper in the pitch black middle of the night while half asleep.
Three weeks ago I was jaded, thinking I'd be completely different from other moms I had witnessed, and "in control" of my emotions. As prepared as I thought I was, I'm learning my perception on how things would be was way off.

Three weeks ago I had never looked into the eyes of my child and had no idea what it felt like to love someone this much. I wasn't prepared for that kind of attachment. The way I love my husband is different, this is a love I can't control, it consumes me.

About a year ago I wrote about my impression of stay at home moms, and asked what it was like. "The hardest job in the world," people told me. What was so hard about it?

This week I applied my makeup and straightened my hair with one arm, while nursing my daughter in the other. I dropped everything I was working on to mend her cries. I toted her into the bathroom with me while I took a shower so she wouldn't have to cry alone in her bed, and so the sound of the water running would soothe her. I had no problem shutting babies I babysat outside the bathroom door and letting them cry for a few moments while I used the restroom, but three weeks ago I learned I couldn't bare to do that to my own child.--Fearing she'd feel like I'm abandoning her by not immediately tending to her needs.

She cries when we're in the car for too long, and it's the worst feeling in the world not being able to help her.

To me, the duties of feeding, watching, cleaning and holding my child aren't what's hard about being a mother. What makes the job more difficult than anything I've ever done is the undying love I can't tame.

Several months ago a woman told me I'd be begging to go back to work partway through my maternity leave--That work outside the home is so much easier. I know it's only been three weeks, but as of now I couldn't disagree more. My role as a mother won't end just because I'm outside of the home for 8-10 hours a day. I'll still wonder, worry, pump and love, then still attend to her needs when I get home.

A few days ago another woman told me my mind may change after I've been at home with my daughter for 6 months. Unfortunately I won't have the chance to know.

Six weeks partial pay--That's what I, and many women I know get for maternity leave. Plus an additional optional six weeks I've opted to take at the expense of forfeiting six weeks of any pay. I can't imagine going back to work in another three weeks.

Luckily, my husband will be home to watch and take care of her when I do finally go back to work full time, but right now I can't even bare to leave him alone with her--A fear I'll need to overcome soon.

I'm not going to argue whether working outside, inside, or solely as a mother at home is more or less difficult than any of the other. That's not what it's about. All I know is that for me, myself, my family and I, working inside the home would be a dream come true.

Having this new found love makes it nearly impossible to imagine leaving her daily for a job that feels insignificant compared to her. But in order to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads it's necessary for the time being.

I knew this when we chose to move forward with expanding our family now, rather than years from now. But I'm hoping to change that in the next couple of years.

I watched The Secret, and I know when you have a goal, one part of making it a reality is telling others, and "sending it out to the universe," so I'm doing that now!

By 2012 I want to be able to still do what I do best and work from home. I'm hoping, praying and wishing for it all to work out. It'll take a lot to make it a reality but if it's meant to be it'll be, and I can't help but feel like that's what I'm suppose to do.

***

Random.org winner of maid service: #74: Natalie from Our Old Southern House. Congrats! I'll email you the code!

How Do You Blog and Not Neglect Your Kids?

I pulled out my laptop today for the first time in... Oh I don't know... Three or four days. Not that it's a big deal or anything for a normal person to not blog or tweet for several days... But for me it's a bigger deal than I thought.

Sunday night I made a list of things I'd blog about that night, and the following week. I have a list of things on my mind and giveaways I need to post. In order to not get "behind" I'd need to post daily.

I felt a little anxious after the first night when I didn't meet my goal. I didn't even reach for my laptop that night to write a post. Instead I watched Big Love with my husband and started a new book (The Boleyn Inheritance).

But the more I pondered why my lack of internet time was bugging me so much, the more I realized how sorta insane it was.

Gone are the days where I'd post a paragraph or two, or a simple photo... I'd do that when I felt like that was all that was on my mind, but it was still enough for my daily journal update. ...That's what this was. My journal update. But somehow, somewhere, I got sucked into some sort of blogging, competitive phenomenon where I feel bad if I'm not posting get this... "content" often enough.

No no no... We must nip this in the bud (or nip it in the butt as I use to mistake the saying for)! I don't want my blog to turn into a stress for me. This is a fun hobby, a journal for me to relieve my inner thoughts on being a mom. This isn't a job. I already have a job, I don't need two. Plus, with a baby on the way, I'm asking myself HOW IN THE WORLD do women do it? I don't want to miss out on LIVING my life because I'm blogging about it, and sometimes I think there's a fine line, and I wonder with a new baby, if that can happen.

I don't want to start a huge debate but I hear a lot of women say how hard being a mom is... Especially hear about it from stay at home moms. I read about it a lot. And from the sounds of all of the "Mommy Needs a (insert alcoholic drink here)" blogs it can be wearing to be at home with kids all day. I can see how having a blog as a place to vent can be nice, but what I'm wondering is if it's so time consuming... How DO you have time to blog?

I ask honestly because I'm becoming a mom myself in 6 months and for the first three official months of motherhood I'll be at home. I picture my blog going dark... Offline... Out of commission, whatever you want to call it because in my head I have envisioned that my baby will be crying/screaming/pooping/eating 24/7 (partly thanks to some of the blogs I read) and having me reaching for some (insert alcoholic drink here), which would be quite interesting actually since I haven't drank a day in my life.

I know the toll blogging can take on a couple. Since getting my iPhone I have constant access to reading blogs in my reader, tweeting, replying to emails... All the while my "auto me" is responding to my husband. During our evenings together I'm required to surrender my phone to him... Or keep it in another room. I don't mind though, we need that real alone time together.

I've asked bloggers and tweeters before how they do it with children and they jokingly say "neglect" but I wonder if there's some truth to that. I mean really... These are women with big HUGE blogs and little children. I'm assuming they mean they use this technique when their child is a little older and can maybe sit in front of the TV awhile while you blog away in the other room and pray it's not the case with a screaming toddler in the background.

But really, how do moms find time to be online so much? Especially moms who do reviews and giveaways all of the time and make it their business? That's time consuming! I'm sure I'll figure out a balance in this enjoyment and motherhood eventually and that it'll take practice and experience, but it's sometimes really hard for me to squeeze the time in after work and spending time with my husband. Adding a baby into the equation makes me wonder if I'll have to set his hobby aside indefinitely.

Becoming Something I'm Not... Yet

Everything I thought I'd ever be... The woman I pictured myself turning into. It's all changing before my eyes.

I wanted to climb the "corporate" ladder so to speak, and be a professional woman. "Lexus before little ones" was my saying. Now, my dreams of an IS250 have been put on hold, indefinitely, until I know which way my life is going... Oh, and until I make enough money.

28 or 29... That was about how old I thought I'd be when I had my first child. Granted I thought I'd be 25 or 26 when I got married. But things changed. I met and married my husband at 18... And I'm pregnant at 23. I'll be a young mother... But family isn't the only aspect of my life that's matured quickly.

I graduated high school a year early, applied and won nearly every broadcast award I entered for in college. Won a record amount of scholarships, and landed jobs many people older than me dreamed of.

I'm not recalling this in a big-headed way, but thinking about the path that I was on. I kept encouraging myself to push on. I am so young, and have so much potential. Imagine what I could do with another 10 years--And I'd only be 33!

I didn't want to fall into the routine of so many women I knew in college. Not that it was a bad thing, but the "trap"... As I saw it then, was to get married, get hypnotized, and get pregnant. Life after that to me seemed to be all poopie diapers and dedication to another human being... Not having much time to develop one's own skills.

I see things a little differently now. Becoming a mother has been something I haven't seen as a burden, but as a gift. But I still wonder what will happen to me.

I always thought one good thing I'd have going for me is the fact that I know who I am as a person, as a woman. I am aware of my likes, dislikes, talents and personality. Motherhood won't be the only thing I've experienced. It won't define me or...Or will it?

What will happen to me once I hold my child in my arms for the first time? Who, and what will I become?

A few months ago I practically turned down an opportunity that fell in my lap because I knew I wanted to pursue a family. Now I catch myself wondering if I made the right decision.

Will I continue to pass up jobs because my dreams for motherhood come first? Knowing the answer to this question is "yes" right now makes me a little sad. I use to have my goals mapped out, and be ahead of the game. Now I feel like I'm loosing headway.

What's happening to my ambition? My drive? My urge to be a successful career woman? I feel like everyone expected so much of me... Expected me to go so far. News of my pregnancy is a shock to them. I feel like a hypocrite.

I want to do it all... But I'm not sure how possible it is at my age to get ahead in my career AND be a young mom. I don't regret my decision, I just wonder where it will take me, and who exactly I'll become.

I Wonder...

While I was away: Parts were written in my journal (during my blog break) on October 10th and saved for today.

Sometimes I get the I sudden have the urge and fear that makes me NOT want to reproduce. This use to happen all of the time when I was on birth control. I blamed my emotions on the hormones, but now my only excuse is natural hormones and my ever-wavering mental state.

I think it has something to do with fear of what I’ll become. Will my ambitions die with the birth of a new child? I care about my family more than anything… I know this already, but I worry I’ll lose part of myself I hear so many women say they’ve lost.

I love my job. I love my career. I love knowing that I could support my family, or myself on my own if I needed to, and that I have the drive to excel. Most of the women I lived around during my college years are stay at home moms now. I think that's great! But I wish I could see more people living in situations I see myself in, just for my examples sake.

I want to know it's ok, that it's possible, and that I can do it all. That I can have a career... A child, a family. That IS how I see myself, but that's not what I see commonly among my circle of women. ...Especially in my religion.

Sure, sometimes I dream of handing over the reigns to my husband, and letting him worry about balancing our finances, while I take care of our home and children, but I wonder if thoughts of “what ifs” would creep into my mind. I wonder if it would be all it is cracked up to be.

But at the same time I wonder if I really want to be a duel-income family. Do I want my child in daycare?

If now… I wonder if I'm I ok with penny pinching my first year or two. I want to be able to give my child the world, but I worry how I'll do that. I know there are very few things a child NEEDS its first year, but I still want to provide some of those extra things.

I wonder sometimes how I’ll be able to do it all…If it is possible. Can I keep being a successful "business woman", and good wife while also adding the tasks trying to be a good mom, and able to raise good kids. Being a mother alone is a lifetime duty full of heartache and joy. Could I fulfill both responsibilities? Is there enough time in the day? How do you do it?

I wonder if I’ll be sad if I miss things, and get jealous of women who are at home.

I guess the good thing is one choice isn't permanent, and it doesn't have to last a lifetime. Well... Except the decision to become a mother in the first place.

I wonder...

****

PS: Someone hacked into the Overall Blog awards :( So The Bump started it over and are asking for people to COMMENT about why they think the particular blog should win. If you could take a few moment to write your thoughts about my blog down on their site I'd greatly appreciate it! I know I'm up against amazing bloggers, but I feel like I have more of a chance now that it's not about the numbers. Here's the link.

The Mama Drama

"So your daughter just decided to try out for cheer this year out of the blue?" The woman behind me asked my mother.

I was staring out the glass window in front of me, watching the group of middle school cheerleaders play a game as they wrapped up their practice. My sister was one of the girls in that room. She was a "new girl" having just moved to the area, and far from a veteran on the squad.

"Yep," my mother answered her casually, not giving in to her snide remarks.

"Oh, well my daughter has been cheering ever since she was seven years old," the woman continued.

"Is the competition squad down there too mom?" I asked, trying to get the subject off this woman and her daughter.

"Yes and no," my mom answered. "Some girls from each squad make up the competition team."

"My daughter made the competition squad but we told her she couldn't do it," the woman who couldn't take a hint kept going. "She's already on the competition team at her gym, plus the football squad, and with that and school it was just going to be too much."

I rolled my eyes and sent a Tweet: "Hanging out at my sister's cheerleading practice but tired of listening to all of these booshey moms. OMG!!!"

Booshey= Stuck up. I asked my mom how she could stand it, and she told me that's just how moms are. "We're competitive" she said, so matter-of-fact.

And then I began to think... This competitive attitude didn't come out of nowhere. And it didn't start when their kids hit middle school. On previous posts and topics I've touched on, such as stay at home moms, working moms, breastfeeding, labor--All topics that get a big response... All from passionate mothers.

It wasn't the sport of cheerleading that had these mothers tooting their own horns--No, it was The Sport of Motherhood... The most competitive game in the world. From crunchy moms to soggy moms... And even women who aren't moms... Everyone has something to say.

Come on now, let's be honest. I'm not even a mom yet and I can see it. I can see it starts before you even conceive a child. Everyone wants to say something about why you don't have kids... Why you should or shouldn't. How you're selfish if you wait, or selfish if you don't wait.

Then when it's time to conceive, women want to tell you why it's taking so long "don't stress" they say... Yea, right, that's easy. And then some wonder why you don't adopt after you've been trying so long... To those trying it's as if they're saying "give up already."

Then those who do adopt and don't adopt are combating eachother for their differences in opinions on the "whys" and "why nots" of their decisions.

Women who deliver their babies naturally and/or breastfeed criticize those who don't. And even if they're not guilty of that... Some are convinced their kids are or will be smarter because of it.

Women who pull their newborn from their own womb say they have a connection to their child other women miss out on... While others say they enjoyed those few minutes of peace before holding the being they'll forever have as their child.

There have been times when I've almost mistaken a post about a C-section as a story about a murder. Epidurals described as "drugging your baby." And I've read judgments going the other way saying home births are ridiculously irresponsible.

Had I believed the first blog post I read about babies sleeping alone in their cribs I may have thought it was a crime to allow it--Because of the way it was described.

Some say spankings are a bad form of discipline while others say timeout is a joke.

I've had women tell me a woman's place is at home, and no where else. Then some stay at home moms feel under appreciated and say they work harder than any other mom, while working mothers say saying at home would be a breeze. The arguments don't seem to cease on either side.

But what I don't get is the reason for pushing what you believe on others. And making people feel bad for their choices. And why get so defensive when someone doesn't have the same opinion or lifestyle as you?! WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT!

I've even had a woman comment to me, saying the pacifier and bottle pictured on the front of the book on my cartoon header "was not crunchy" and that I should probably take it down. Since when did I proclaim myself crunchy? Or a mom? And why the labels anyway?

It's easy for me to not have a bias now because I'm only facing the facts and opinions in front of me... Versus adding my own personal analytic and experienced opinion. In some ways I think it's a better place to be, because I can look at all of the options with my eyes wide open. I'll admit, I ask for advice and feedback now... Though I can't promise I'll be asking for it when I'm crossing the bridges into motherhood.

But one thing I will promise... No matter which roads I choose to take in my journey to motherhood, I vow to state my opinions as they are, but not make others feel bad for their choices. I also promise to try to remember that there are multiple sides to all stories, and I'll try to consider that in my remarks.

Maybe it's the journalist in me trying to be objective... But I'd like to believe it's a sense of compassion that we ALL hold for one another... Somewhere deep within.

The Projectile Vomit- Plus Giveaway!

I love kids, I really do. And I love babysitting my friend's kids, which is one reason I did this a few months back. My husband and I were deemed worthy to watch an adorable little 4-month-old baby boy twice a week. It's fun pretending he's our for eight hours a week and watching his little eyes light up while we act silly trying to entertain him. The only bad thing about this adorable baby is the fact that he's so good. He hardly veer cries, and he'll usually fall right asleep after eating dinner. His parents tell us he usually sleeps through the night after that--Sometimes up to 12 hours. This little guy is basically setting us up with high expectations and we're pretty much doomed for failure with our own.

Recently though, I did have an eye-opening experience with my little friend... A personal peek in the trenches of motherhood.

Hubby just had his wisdom teeth taken out and it would be my first time watching baby alone. I arrived early because I was bored at home without my husband. I took baby from his mom as we talked and she got ready to leave for work. I was bouncing and patting him, and talking about my future baby when he heard me... And must have been disgusted because he then proceeded to throw up all over my arm and shirt.

His mom and I laughed because it was a funny little reaction to our conversation. I don't think he wanted to hear about other babies right then. We cleaned me and him up, and his mom kissed him goodbye.

The next couple of hours were fun as usual, I put him in his new jumper and watched as he bounced and laugh at the sounds and my faces. When he got tired of it I pulled him out and we watched a little TV. When he started trying to suck on my finger, and got a little fussy I knew it was about time for dinner. I made him a bottle and sat down to feed him.

He didn't seem to eat much faster than normal. It was maybe a little quicker but I figured he must have been really hungry. He finished the whole 8oz without a break!

He looked tired at the end of the bottle, I was noticing him starting to doze off a little, but I didn't want him to fall asleep before I got a chance to burp him. I put the little burp cloth across my shoulder, sat him up on top of it and began to pat. After patting for a couple of minutes and not really getting much gas out of him I began to pat slightly harder. Nothing but a tiny burp came out... Which is nothing compared to what he normally does, so I kept burping, waiting for the loud *BURP*. Just a moment later he started to burp, I turned me head to see how much spit-up came out with it, and it was still coming... A LOT---Projectile vomit.

I jumped up as I began to see it spewing from his mouth. I couldn't move quick enough. I jumped up, felt it gush down my back, all over the couch, and parts of the carpet as we ran to the kitchen, the dog even became a victim of the vomit. Sadly the first thing that crossed my mind was 'I hope it didn't get in my hair!' I had just gotten my hair straightened and was so worried about having to get it washed and pressed all over again.

I picked baby up off my shoulder and checked to make sure he was ok... he smiled at me. I guess he felt better now.

I grabbed the burp cloth to wipe what I could off of myself and baby but it was dripping with puke. 'That did a lot of good' I thought. 'Why don't they make burp cloths bigger? In fact, why not make a Burp Snuggy?'

I examined the couch, the floor and the dog to see how they were doing. The couch... Well it looked beyond repair to me, and honestly I wish I would have taken a picture of the damage. I couldn't understand how that much milk could come out of something so small.. Where did he put it all, and is he hungry again?

The carpet wasn't so bad, and the dog... Well I just had to keep her away from re-eating what was lost. Besides the couch I think I suffered the most damage. I could still feel that which was regurgitated running down my legs.

I decided I'd bounce--No, rock him to sleep then clean up what I could. I had him in one arm, my iPhone in the other, and I Tweeted away to get help.

"OMG. Baby just projectile vomited all over me, couch, carpet and dog! Did I feed him too much? Burp him to hard? HELP!" Was my cry on Twitter.

Flood of response came in. To my surprise most of them said things like "Oh they just do that..." or "Welcome to mommyhood!" ...Great. Encouraging.

"Is he hungry again?" I asked the world... And got a lot of helpful advice from Twitter moms.

He didn't seem hungry, in fact after getting changed and laughing at my new upchuck-covered attire, he fell right asleep. I texted his mom to let her know what happened and that he was ok.

After cleaning the couch, and the carpet and making sure the dog was ok I had to laugh at it all. I've worked in daycare, and have several younger siblings... I even called my mom and told her about it all, and reminisced about all of the times my younger sisters threw-up all over me. I've had my share of baby-vomit experiences, but this one had to be one of the funniest. And somehow, I get the inkling this is only the beginning.

****Yay Giveaway!****

My good blog friend Mommy Bee read this post, and I guess she felt a little bad for me, and all the other women who experience projectile vomit and burp cloths that are just too dang small!

Well she makes some cute stuff in her Etsy shop, and one of those things is these adorable, super-strength, puke absorbent, burp cloths! There are three flannel burp cloths:A. One is a 2-layer burp cloth (crayons print/white back)
B. 'Super Spitter' with the layer of terrycloth inside (crayons/blue)
C. 'Super Spitter' (sports/blue)
All are nice and big (8" x 16"), and should be able to handle whatever your little one can dish out! Man, do I wish I had one of those last week!

Want one for your super spitter? Well here's what you've gotta do to win! Leave a comment here telling me if you'd prefer A, B, or C. if you won! That's all! She's moving right now but don't forget to check out her Etsy shop Lil Bees, which has all sorts of things from adorable cloth diapers to wet bags, to (crunchy/green ladies listen up)...cloth pads!!

You get extra entries if you comment letting me know:
-You follow my blog
-You have my blog button (now two entries)
-You subscribe to my blog
-You favor my blog on Technorati
-You Tweet/ Facebook about this contest
-You post about this contest (now two entries)
-Vote for my blog in the 2009 Bloggers Choice Awards (worth 3 entries!)

Good Luck! I'll use random.org to choose 3 winners! Contest ends midnight May 31st!

The Crying Baby

It's such a simple sound that appears to strike up a different emotions in each woman in the chapel.

An anxious look crosses the face of a new mother--She rushes to hush her baby, afraid to disturb others, or over-frustrate her child.

There's the tenured mom, who keeps smiling as she listens to the speaker--As if she hears no other sound. Has she learned to tune it out?

Just an isle in front of me there's the expectant mother, pregnant with her first child. She smiles in awe at the piercing sound--The look on her face says she's listening to a beautiful song.

There's the married woman, not yet pregnant and not yet trying who forces a smile on her face, perhaps covering up slight annoyance as she watches the anxious mother leave the room with her wailing baby. She sits, watches and smiles--Probably thinking 'I'm so glad that's not me,' or wondering how soon she'll be on that end of the spectrum, and how she'll be different.

Then there's me, somewhat indifferent, studying the room of women and their response to the crying baby. I feel like I connect with each of the women on different levels. Compassion. Respect. Envy. Understanding.

One day I'll have experienced every vantage point. Witnessed the beauty from every angle. But for today, I'm enjoying the view from my window.

No matter you're style: crunchy, chewy, soggy, cloth/disposable, boob/bottle, Current Mommy/Future Mommy, you are an amazing woman and have great worth!

Happy Mother's Day!

Things They Don't Tell You Pt2.

Thanks to The Oprah Show and you as well as a lot of my Twitter friends my list has grown so much I've made a second list of "The Things They Don't Tell You". These things aren't meant to scare me, or any other Future Mamas out there who are thinking of having kids, yet beware... They may. My commentary is in color.

Hemroids- Pregnancy can give them to ya. I wasn't exactly sure what they were but I googled it and ew.

You'll get use to feeling your boob on the side of your stomach... I'm not looking forward to loosing the perkiness :(

Little boys get woodies too-- Saw this one on Oprah... TMI if you ask me.

Lice is hard to get to go away.--I'm not sure I'll have to deal with this one cause I've never had lice and I hear black people don't get it. I hope that's the case for half-black kids too!

I'll hate my husband for knocking me up-- This one I also saw on Oprah, it's believable, but I REALLY hope we can make it an enjoyable experience for all of us.

I may not like my baby right away-- This is a sad one for me. But I guess it's good to know that may happen. But I love everyone elses baby so I can't imagine not liking my own!

A woman on Oprah said she felt like she had made a bad mistake-- Once again, possible, however I'm thinking I'll not let myself feel that way (I try to live life without regret).

Pump, or explode

You loose your choices- This is another complain from a mom on Oprah. I suppose if you go into motherhood expecting things to be easy and the same as before plus having a child on your hip you're going to have a rude awakening. I'm not afraid to make sacrifices and giving up "me time" when the time is right.

Some women say you "loose yourself"-- but I'm assuming that's a problem you run into if you don't already know yourself. I don't think it's "Loosing yourself" but gaining another part of yourself...But I'm not a mom so what do I know?

It's "Freaking’ hard work"- (no commentary needed)

Days where I would hate my kids-- If my kids are anything like some of the kids I see screaming and acting wild out at the store I guess I can believe this, however I don't like to use the work "hate."

You can be constantly constipated while pregnant?! --Waaah?

...And going with that : Milk of magnesia will help you poop (thanks for the tip)

The term "Letdown" is exactly what it says.

Labor stinks... LITERALLY... eew.

Your period is gone for your entire period but then you have it for like a MONTH after the baby is born... Boo!

You can have contractions weeks before you're really in labor... Good to know now so I don't freak out too bad if that happens to me!

And what freaked me out the most and came as the biggest surprise to me: In labor doctors have to cut that piece of skin between where the baby is coming out and your butt hole to keep it from tearing.... OUCH!

***

And I'm always excited to learn more, so let me know if I've left anything out! Anything you wish you had known before getting pregnant/ becoming a parent?

The Show That May Change My Mind

Thanks Oprah, for ruining all of the happy feelings I have had towards motherhood. Was I the only person who watched yesterday? No, I don't think so. So let's chat.

When I heard about the show topic being on motherhood I got all excited. I know it was suppose to talk about "the bad" and "the ugly", but I assumed "the good" would be somewhere in there too. Mentally going back to my college days, I brought my laptop over to the TV, to take notes... (Oh yes I did)... During the show.

Parts of the show were really funny and interesting to me, I was able to add to the list of "the things they don't tell you," (I'll post about that later--they had a whole block dedicated to that question), but overall I was kind of left with a depressing feeling about motherhood... No joke...

The only positive experience I got out of the whole thing was from women communicating with me though Twitter. Some moms on the "happy" end of the spectrum gave me their opinions. Cristina aka Native Mamma told me "if motherhood wasn't worth the hassle NOBODY would have more then 1," that seemed so true to me! Why didn't they talk about that on Oprah?

Another mom on Twitter, Monique said "Don't let them get you down. I have 4 and they're worth every single gray hair and nervous breakdown. =)" I sure hope so!
What scared me was that the women on the show weren't saying it was worth it! One or two woman went as fas as saying "What did I get myself into?" and some even said sometimes they've felt like they've made a mistake becoming a mom! It reminded me of a study I saw reported about on Momlogic, that implied "kids [could]= unhappiness."

See.. That's the scary regret I'm talking about. I've never felt that way about anything so important to me in my life... And to think that that's "NORMAL" for some... or a lot of women terrifies me! No... I've never honestly thought my marriage was a mistake, how could these women say that about their children?

It seems to me the root of the problem (which they addressed at the very end) is the fact that TV shows make motherhood look easy... And happy-looking-neighbors, make motherhood/parenting look easy. And women who compare themselves to what they see on the outside think their feelings of overwhelmingness is something only they experience, and they feel bad for feeling that way.

I think the show was meant to show women who have those feelings that they're not alone. I get it, but I think it also scared the $#%* out of some women who were maybe thinking they might like to possibly become one someday, perhaps.

I'm not trying to make women who feel that way feel bad, I mean, my heart goes out to women who feel way, but it makes me wonder if motherhood is for everyone--If it's for me.

I was still pretty ticked about it this morning and wrote a blog post on Momlogic... A letter to Oprah. It's not quite as nice and open as this one, nonetheless it's how I'm feeling right now. Oh and here's one more depressing yet "honest" article that CNN even featured on the topic.

****

Oprah, I love you but you pissed me off

It's not you, it's the women you had on your show. What was that meant to do? Scare the living bejeezes out of future moms like myself who are contemplating motherhood? Maybe that wasn't the point. I guess the point was to uplift moms.. More specifically stay at home moms right? The ones who get all down because they compare themselves to other women who they think are all happy and perfect. When are they going to wake up?... Or don't they, until they are driven to the thoughts of "What did I get myself into?" and "I think I made a mistake."

Oprah, you're not a mom, and I'm not a mom but I think we both know it's hard. We have moms don't we? And if that's not testament enough I think we get the point after reading the bizzilionth blog post about how being a SAHM is SOOOOO hard. If it sucks so bad why have more than one?

I'm not trying to down play it at all ok? I don't think you are either, and that's why you invited these women on your show. But what do you think it says to women who want children but can't have any? Women who are so excited to have a child and are always running into women who are griping about being moms. Or women like me who are kind of on the fence about the whole topic?... Did one person on that show even say it was worth it?

The Pregnancy Pushers

I've had my somewhat against the grain attitude toward motherhood for years now. I'd say about two years into my marriage is when it really hit its peak. Since then I've calmed down and begun to somewhat understand WHY people want to have kids.

One summer... It was actually just for about a month, I worked at a credit union. Most of the women there talked daily about wanting to have kids. We were all married, and I seemed to be the only one who thought everyone else had lost their minds! 'We're young... Practically babies ourselves, why in the world do you want to have kids now?' I'd think... And sometimes say.

There was one guy I worked with too. His wife had just had a baby. I was excited for them, not as excited as I would be for a friend nowadays, but still excited. I would ask him a lot of questions about parenting and how he liked it an such. He would tell me how great it was and joke with me and tell me I should have a child too. Lawd, on no he didn't! I'd have to stop that talk right on the spot. I knew I wasn't about to jump on THAT bandwagon yet. Both of us being a little sarcastic and pushing each others buttons got a little on each other's nerves. But I'll never forget one thing he said to me that I thought was so crazy... so mean, and just sounded WRONG:

"I HOPE you get pregnant," he spat at me.
"Why would you say something like that?" was the only response I could muster. I didn't know if I should retaliate, be angry, or scared with the way he said it.
"It's a good thing," he said. "It's not a bad thing to wish that for you." Oh yea? Well why did you say it like you were trying to put some kind of Voodoo Witch Curse on me?

Jenna said it best:
"There's a glaring difference between offering helpful advice and smugly saying, "Oh, you just wait...bwahahahahaha!" That's just mean-spirited and makes people sound bitter about their lives."

I think a similar example could be taken in my approach to marriage. When a friend of mine is contemplating marriage, or dreaming of how great it will be, I may say it's not all fun and games but I'm not going to say "Actually marriage is really really hard, just you wait and see... Most people get divorced, hopefully you're not one of them."

Or if someone is thinking of getting a puppy, thinking it'll cure their baby fever as I did, (and a few months later I fell immune)... I'm not going to say "Dogs are hard, just you wait... Oh, and I hope he PEES ALL OVER YOU!"

Ummm... That doesn't make it sound like I love my dog.

Ok different, yes, but really... Warning calls, maybe not the best idea to make someone want to join the parenting club.

No offense to them or anything but I hope I don't sound like that when I have kids.

Also, I know it's natural to be curious on when someone's wanting to have kids, but not everyone is as open and honest as me. Everyone is different and some people just don't want everyone all up in their business... As my friend Tara says "Stay out of my uterus!"

...But not you guys, you are welcome in my uterus at anytime! Just be careful who and how you tell people to "watch out," or you may scare them out of wanting kids... Ever.

The Crunchy Me

I joined a network called "Mormon Mommy Blogs" a few months ago, not long after I started this blog. I was browsing different categories when I noticed one called "Crunchy moms." I had no idea what that meant but I just kept going on my way.

I fell in love with a blog by my Alaskan blog friend Mommy Bee, "Musings of Mommy Bee." After reading a lot of her posts I noticed a unique trend... She uses cloth diapers, makes cloth pads, co-sleeps with her kids. I thought it was some Alaskan thing or something but it all clicked when I saw her blog in the "crunchy mom" list and asked her what it meant.

This is the explanation she left me in a comment once:

"Are you familiar with the term 'granola mom' when referring to someone who follows a more natural/hippie lifestyle? Well, granola is crunchy... I think a lot of us disliked the moniker 'granola' because, truthfully, granola isn't that good for you (I know, shocking, huh?!), so we chose our own term I guess...
Anyway, I consider myself a crunchy mama because I birth without medication, militantly breastfeed, co-sleep, babywear, cloth diaper, recycle, grow a garden, wear my hair long, almost never wear make-up, use standard medicine sparingly, don't spank, don't circumcise, do try to eat healthy/organic/traditional foods, and very possibly will homeschool at least some of my kids or some of the time.
There are a lot of versions of crunchy...but that's mine. I never take the status quo for granted, and do my own research on pretty much everything. "

I'm always so intrigued when I see a new post on her blog about "home/ unassisted birth" or "breastfeeding" or "immunizations" (or lack there of) stuff like that, cause it's all stuff I'm curious about and looking into now. So now I'm asking myself "Could I be crunchy?"

At first I thought "no way, that's not me," but now I'm thinking I want to learn more. I like the idea of crunchy because to me it seems empowering as a woman (especially when it comes to labor)... I also like the idea of saving money on some things. Mommy Bee left a comment on my blog the other day responding to another commenter saying babies are expensive. She brought up some good points I never even though about... Cloth diapers, homemade baby food, breastfeeding over formula, co-sleeping, less toys (heaven forbid!) or cribs of Craigslist.

I brought the topic up to my husband, told him some of the examples of being crunchy and he liked some of them. We're both not too keen on the idea of cloth diapers right now, but just for kicks I looked on Craigslist and found stuff like this for sale for dirt cheap! Nice stuff!

Ok, I'm not sure if buying stuff off Craigslist is considered a "crunchy" attribute, but the idea came from a crunchy mom so for now I'll say "yea." It seems like crunchyness can save some money, and I'm all about that!

Anyway, I'm also interested in things like co-sleep (although I'm afraid I'll roll over and kill my baby), breastfeeding, homemade baby food, growing a garden, figuring out what the heck stuff is organic and maybe trying to use that stuff.

I'm a big researcher myself, so I'm thinking the more I look into stuff the more I may develop some crunchy ways.

I actually like the idea of homebirth... However, not if I can't take an epidural. I know I don't like pain and that is one of the biggest things scaring me out of having a kid right now. I do like the idea of having a nice birth in a cozy bed or something... But what if something goes wrong? Oh jeez... I'm not sure how crunchy I'll really be when it comes down to it, but so far, I'm thinking some of it sounds pretty cool. Perhaps I'll be a chewy mom... Not quite crunchy, but not soggy, somewhere in the middle.

Any crunchy moms our there? Soggy moms? Chewy moms? What do you like and not like? Oh and everyone, look out for Mommy Bee, I'm sure she'll be leaving a nice informative comment! Or just check out her blog to see more of that I'm seeing.

Over the next little while I'm going to be tacking topics on crunchy, so we don't have to delve into all of them now, but if there's some others I'm leaving off the list as of now let me know.