2012

Three weeks ago I didn't understand why moms would say it's hard to go to the bathroom or take a shower in peace once you have a child. I didn't understand how nursing can be so much easier than feeding my child formula.

A year ago I had changed hundreds of other people's babies' diapers, but it wasn't until these past few weeks that I got to experience changing a diaper in the pitch black middle of the night while half asleep.
Three weeks ago I was jaded, thinking I'd be completely different from other moms I had witnessed, and "in control" of my emotions. As prepared as I thought I was, I'm learning my perception on how things would be was way off.

Three weeks ago I had never looked into the eyes of my child and had no idea what it felt like to love someone this much. I wasn't prepared for that kind of attachment. The way I love my husband is different, this is a love I can't control, it consumes me.

About a year ago I wrote about my impression of stay at home moms, and asked what it was like. "The hardest job in the world," people told me. What was so hard about it?

This week I applied my makeup and straightened my hair with one arm, while nursing my daughter in the other. I dropped everything I was working on to mend her cries. I toted her into the bathroom with me while I took a shower so she wouldn't have to cry alone in her bed, and so the sound of the water running would soothe her. I had no problem shutting babies I babysat outside the bathroom door and letting them cry for a few moments while I used the restroom, but three weeks ago I learned I couldn't bare to do that to my own child.--Fearing she'd feel like I'm abandoning her by not immediately tending to her needs.

She cries when we're in the car for too long, and it's the worst feeling in the world not being able to help her.

To me, the duties of feeding, watching, cleaning and holding my child aren't what's hard about being a mother. What makes the job more difficult than anything I've ever done is the undying love I can't tame.

Several months ago a woman told me I'd be begging to go back to work partway through my maternity leave--That work outside the home is so much easier. I know it's only been three weeks, but as of now I couldn't disagree more. My role as a mother won't end just because I'm outside of the home for 8-10 hours a day. I'll still wonder, worry, pump and love, then still attend to her needs when I get home.

A few days ago another woman told me my mind may change after I've been at home with my daughter for 6 months. Unfortunately I won't have the chance to know.

Six weeks partial pay--That's what I, and many women I know get for maternity leave. Plus an additional optional six weeks I've opted to take at the expense of forfeiting six weeks of any pay. I can't imagine going back to work in another three weeks.

Luckily, my husband will be home to watch and take care of her when I do finally go back to work full time, but right now I can't even bare to leave him alone with her--A fear I'll need to overcome soon.

I'm not going to argue whether working outside, inside, or solely as a mother at home is more or less difficult than any of the other. That's not what it's about. All I know is that for me, myself, my family and I, working inside the home would be a dream come true.

Having this new found love makes it nearly impossible to imagine leaving her daily for a job that feels insignificant compared to her. But in order to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads it's necessary for the time being.

I knew this when we chose to move forward with expanding our family now, rather than years from now. But I'm hoping to change that in the next couple of years.

I watched The Secret, and I know when you have a goal, one part of making it a reality is telling others, and "sending it out to the universe," so I'm doing that now!

By 2012 I want to be able to still do what I do best and work from home. I'm hoping, praying and wishing for it all to work out. It'll take a lot to make it a reality but if it's meant to be it'll be, and I can't help but feel like that's what I'm suppose to do.

***

Random.org winner of maid service: #74: Natalie from Our Old Southern House. Congrats! I'll email you the code!

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010!

Last year I wrote a list of things I hoped to accomplish this year, and posted it on my blog, here's what it said and how I did:

This year (last year) I hope(d) to:

-Learn how to cook I learned a few recipes, but need to learn more!
-Eat better ... Until I got pregnant (Spawnie's fault!)
-Give up caffeine
-Read the good books daily - I SUCKED at this. But I did have a good streak in the middle/ toward the end of the year.
-Go on more real vacations Trip out west, vacation on a lake, and Caribbean cruise, Chicago, Atlanta, not bad!
-Enjoy one of the last years without spawn best year of marriage so far!
-Learn Yoga Started in August!
-Exercise more (aka ever)- Still working on a daily routine.
-Keep a good blogging streak It's been fun!
-Volunteer more- I can do better
-Babysit And I did this A LOT more than I thought I would
-Be a better wife- Can do better.
-Get back into the habit of writing a daily journal- I did it on and off, but does blogging count?
-Start a gratitude journal- Still need to work on.
-Pray more Happy to say I have!
-Be brutally honest- I'm not sure what I meant by this, but I don't like this resolution...
-*Get knocked up It was a maybe but I did it!

*= maybe

So I did a lot, but there's still a lot to work on! 2010 I hope to:
-Prepare to be a good mom
-Learn how to cook more healthy meals for my family
-Take a prenatal yoga class
-Create and stick with a fitness plan
-Take a birthing class with my husband
-Have a healthy baby
-Save enough money to be able to take a full maternity leave
-Not totally neglect Snoop because of Spawnie
-Visit New York City
-Write in my gratitude journal
-Learn how to sew baby things
-Finish all of the hairbows I owe people for donating to March of Dimes (by Jan/Feb)
-Keep enjoying blogging, don't make it "work"
-Visit the temple more
-Read my scriptures daily
-Prepare and execute weekly family home evenings
-Find ways to serve others
-Enjoy being a new mom

So there you have it! My list is longer, and funny how so much is about "mommy" stuff! WEIRD! What are your resolutions?

The Questions I'm Asking Myself

As I inch closer and closer day by day towards the goal of switching the baby-makin machine "ON", I find myself asking few questions over and over:
"For real?": Am I really going to take the leap to try to change my life FOREVER? To jump off the realms of just regular womanhood into the depths of motherhood?
"Am I ready?": Ok, maybe I'm more "ready" than a lot of people... especially those who have the "oops" cases, oh, and those girls on 16 and Pregnant. But really... Am I ready to be a mom? Mom--I can't imagine being called that! WEIRD!
"What's the rush?": I don't know the answer to this one. I just know I want to be a mom, and I think I'd be a good mom, and that I love my husband and we'd make a good team. Why do all of this now?--I don't know. I know my biological clock isn't exactly ticking. Maybe it's just nature telling me it's time? Of course my pregnant friends don't help any, but hey... I wanted it first!

I'm not sure why I don't want to wait another year or two...Why I feel like I can't. Why is that?! I'm sure once I have a baby I'll look back wondering why I was in such a hurry... Or perhaps I'll wonder why I waited so long. I hope the latter is the case.

And then every once in awhile this question pops into my mind...
"What am I THINKING?!": I don't know. I see the things my friends with new babies are going through. The sleepless nights. The crankiness, the loss of sexual appetite, the loss of romance. And I STILL want to do this?! I hope the occasional fear that crosses into my mind, and sometimes out my mouth diminishes... And that I'm not getting cold feet.

Is this normal?

The Baby Bucket List

I never dedicated a post to this topic, and now that I'm mentally going back and forth on timing, and with pressure more than ever from my best friend--who first wanted me to wait to have a baby when she did... Then said I could go ahead and she'd catch-up on the second... Now knocked up herself and pressuring me to hurry up and do the same (love you girl)--I've decided to really think about what I want--And what I think is possible FOR ME to handle before and after a baby.

First, the would likes. These are things that aren't absolutely necessary, but I would like to have them done before I even get pregnant.
-Shape up: I really hope I can do this, I kind of feel like it's now or never. I'm trying to get into a habit of running with Snoop every day but it's really hard for me to get motivated!
-Take a dance class with my hubby: The reason I say before I'm pregnant is because I doubt I'll have time to do after we have a baby and I think I'll have a lot on my mind when I am, and less energy to talk him into it.
-Swim with dolphins: I'm not sure they allow pregnant women to do this so I'd like to do it either before, or way later when my kids can do it too.
-Take the GRE: I think if I don't do it now I won't do it for a long time, and I'd rather attempt to study cram now and possibly go to grad school cause I know I'll be more distracted once babies come along.
-Visit New York City: I could do this while I'm pregnant but I'd rather not be on the phat end of my pregnancy. I'm actually hoping to go this fall, so I can cross it off my list.
-Start grad school: I'm not sure how I'll do this as fast as I'd like but I'd love to get a Master's Degree just so I have more options later in life.

Some things that I would like to have done before I have a child, but I could complete them while I'm pregnant, or possibly even after having a baby.
-Feel comfortable in the kitchen: I'm there for the most part. I like cooking now, and I only hope to get better before and after pregnancy and kids.
-Have a 3-month food supply: I'm getting there as well. I have been busing water jugs and pasta every time I'm at the store, and I have a lot of MREs so hopefully we're almost there.
-Learn Yoga: I really want to do this because I hear it's helpful during pregnancy for stretching, and it's relaxing. I think it'll be a nice activity for a stressed mind.
-Visit Trinidad: My hubby lived there for a year on his mission, and apparently my ancestors are from that country. I'd love to take an exotic vacation there, but I also wouldn't mind bringing our kids along one day if we could afford it.

Some things that I would absolutely like to have done before having a child and possibly even before I get pregnant.
-Get REALLY good with God: I'm good with God. He and I, we have a good relationship. But I'd really like to have a plan down of visiting the temple more, reading my scriptures daily... All that good stuff.
-Eat better: I'm already starting to do this, but I'd really like to be in a habit of eating well so it's easy to continue while I'm pregnant. I worry if I can't do it now, I won't be able to later.
-Get my dental work done: Nothing too drastic, just figure out how many cavities I really have and get them filled before it's too late.

A few other things I'd like to have done ASAP just to make my life easier would be:
-Complete grad school: Like stated above
-Out of debt: We don't have student loans or credit card debt but I'd like to pay off our only "real debt"...our second car.
-Sell my condo: If I wait until this happens it'll be at least another year and a half. Luckily we have a wonderful renter to help with the mortgage but I'd feel even better if I DIDN'T OWN IT!
-Buy another house: I don't want to do it until our condo now is sold but I'd REALLY like to have a house of our own again before we have a kid, preferably my dream house, in a place we'd like to call home forever, because I hate moving.
-Have my own company (or lots of freelance work) on the side, or something to that effect that I could eventually solely do from home.

As I look at this overwhelming list I wonder how long it will take and when it'll be possible. I actually hoped next month at one point, then maybe December, but now, dwelling over this... Who knows!

I'm really discouraged and wondering how long I should wait. Maybe another 5 years wouldn't be so bad... Jeez. I wonder if I could suppress the urge that long. Some days the urge overpowers everything, but then there are days when I dwell on these things and it squashes my baby dreams for awhile. I know having (most of) these things first isn't more important than having a family but sometimes I wonder how specific the order needs to be. I'll be better off for sure if I complete some of these tasks first. I could focus more on my family when the time comes, and probably have less struggles and frustrations, but would my internal frustrations until then be stronger?

To make myself feel better I'm going to list what I feel like I've accomplished and blessings I've recieved in nearly 5 years that's prepared me for a child.
-Earned enough scholarships to pay for college and then some
-Graduated from college (with a 3.3 and I'm very proud of that)
-Bought and paid off my (crappy) car a year later
-Bought a another reliable, safe (possibly family) car that we hope to drive FOREVER!
-After 3 years finally convinced my husband we should get a dog (good practice)
-Bought a condo
-Got several jobs building up my career
-Have several months worth of savings
-Practiced babysitting lots of cute kiddos
-Gone on two cruises as a couple and several vacations (couple time important)
-Signed a contract at a news station in a city with warm weather
-Got TIVO (yes, this was actually on our baby bucket list)
-Signed up for premuim health insurance which is for the most part da bomb dot com!
-Began to like to cook
-Started collecting food storage
-Eating less french fries (hey, it's hard, it's my favorite food)
-Found a church ward we LOVE and started a calling I adore
-Searched pondered and prayed A LOT about expanding our family

Ok I'm depressed now. Were/are your baby bucket lists this long? How did you decided to proceed?

The "Natural" Family Planning Technique

WARNING: Some of the information contained in this post may or may not gross you out. So if you're a guy (specifically my husband) or if you find human sexual anatomy gross in any way, you may not want to read anymore. Consider yourself warned.

I've heard this called many athings. I've heard "not trying, not preventing," which in my book, IS trying--Which I may have been accused of in this post. But I beg to differ... I think people who may say "I'm not prevention at all, but leaving it up to the Lord" in turn will probably wind up pregnant, while those of us who are preventing still but say "If it still happens than maybe it was the Lord's will" is kind of a logical statement. I think if you're using SOME form of protection/prevention then you're not expecting to get pregnant. However, I do understand that my methods now may not be as effective, I'm still doing my best to stay un-pregnant.

One way I'm doing that is researching the Natural Family Planning or "NFP" method and/or the Fertility Awareness or "FAM" method. For now, I've just been mapping it all using the rhythmic method. I've been charting my days and what not and have been trying to avoid--(Ya know)--on certain days. I even downloaded a free iPhone application from Fertility Friend to keep track. It's REALLY helpful! Their website is nice too.
I've also heard of the ovulation/billings method, which seems a little more complex and takes more effort. You watch more for signs from your body, take your temperature a lot and check all sorts of nasty anatomy stuff. I bought a basal thermometer that I'm hoping to try to use, and map out my minor degree changes from day to day. If anything this should be a fun experiment right?

Here's my plan: Track as much as I can so I know what days to AVOID, and in turn, when it's baby makin' time, hopefully I'll have it down. But for now, I'll try to count and figure out the days, and keep using the magic gel (every time regardless) and hope I don't wind up pregnant for at least a few more months. I hear these methods work pretty well when used correctly.
I'm actually interested in finding more books on this topic. I know a lot of my friends tried this because they don't like hormones. Most of them are pregnant now, but I think it's because they weren't trying hard enough. At least that's what I'm telling myself so I have the confidence to make it though.

I hear this way of tracking is great for when you're TTC too because you'll know your cycle very well. Part of me doesn't get that though... Can't you just do it every day? That's one way to try to make a baby. At least that covers all of your bases! That's my plan at least.

I dunno, what do you think? Have you tried this method before? It work for you? Have any books or sites to recommend?

The Miracle

I've crossed another item off my Baby Bucket List... Possibly the most difficult one to accomplish, it's really a miracle, and you're know what I mean if you're read THIS... I feel comfortable in the kitchen.

I'm trying not to get my hopes too high... It's only been a few items, but a few items is better than no times right? I've made four meals... three from scratch in the last two weeks... And trust me this is A HUGE accomplishment (if you've read this blog or know me you know what I mean)!

We had a couple from church over last week and they ate my Stromboli. I got the recipe from a friend at work. She let me copy it out of a little magazine she had and said she made it and it was pretty easy. I went through and copied several recipes. Here's how I decide if I'm going to cook something.

1. Does the picture looks good? If "yes" then go to #2

2. How many ingredients are needed? If more than six it's out of the question. If six or less, go to #3.

3. Do I understand all of the ingredients? This one is tricky because most of the time the answer is "no," but if I can figure it out using my "Goggle" and "phone-a-friend" lifelines then I'll usually give it a go.

The Stromboli barely passed... I didn't understand garlic cloves, and almost used two entire garlic heads instead of what the recipe called for... Two minced garlic cloves. Luckily, my MIL bailed me out before it was too late. Above was the finished product (but in leftover form).

Sunday was casserole day at my job. I had been craving peach cobbler and we needed some dessert stuff so I decided to try to make peach cobbler. I looked up a recipe on allrecipes.com, found an easy one and had hubby go get the ingredients for me while I was at work Saturday. This morning I threw it all together and it turned out yummy!!

It's actually FUN for me to cook now! Looking for recipes is a little time consuming but I've found when I'm craving something, or get a good review about something, I'll give it a try! My favorite part about cooking is having people say they like my stuff... Including hubby. He has been really nice and helped me get all of the stuff together, he even helped me make the Stromboli.

My skill is definitely a work in progress but I'm feeling more comfortable now and actually enjoying it. It's also making me feel more "motherly" which is fun. That way when my kids are too old for breast milk I may actually be able to make them solid food.

So come on friends! Send me your favorite recipes and sites! I'm all for trying them out now! And thanks for all of your encouragement in the past, it's really helped.

The Countdown Pt1

As I continue my countdown towards turning the baby making machine 'ON' I've decided to up my "to do" list. Yea, some of the stuff on my bucket list I can do while pregnant or when the spawn is born, but I really want to get on as much as I can now. I feel like I'm probably able to cross a few more things off. I think I'm pretty dang good with God right now, although I really would like to have a full-month's worth (habit forming) of nightly diligent scripture reading to feel 100% accomplished.... I'm getting there.

The food storage is coming along. I have no idea how much 3 months worth is, but I have a lot of "just add water" MREs and other crap we can use... If I get a humongous tank of water stored somewhere I'll probably feel pretty fulfilled in that category (you know where I can get that/store that?)

I'm on and off with cooking but hubby is helping more with that lately. I joined a freezer meal group which is helping with that. I have the food in the freezer... Haven't actually cooked the meals yet. But hey... At least they keep!

Still not forming any sort of habit of walking/running. Hubs has been taking Snoop for daily walks so it's left me with no desire to do more, although this week I've already taken him twice. I plan on beginning my real tackle on that next week month. I read it's a good idea to have a regular exercise routein BEFORE getting knocked up, that way you can keep it up while pregnant.

If you read this post, you know I'm not eating that much better yet. My trip to New York is seeming unlikely, the dance class... Even more so. *sigh* I suck.

If that wasn't enough, I found another great article with things I want to do starting NOW to prepare.

Here's a few things the article says are good to check out 6 months to a year before turning your Baby Making Machin' "On"
1. Check-ups. Gotta head to the doctor, just to make sure we're as healthy as we feel (most of the time). We have insurance but haven't been to the doctor in AGES. Might as well take advantage of that free annual checkup! I also need to figure out if I'm healthy, in shape enough, how my blood pressure is, and just ask questions regarding pre-knocked up procedures. I've been researching a family doctor, I think I've found one I may like.
2. SPREAD 'EM! Ladies, you know what I mean! I just had my yearly trip to my crotch doc. And all was swell then! I think I can check this off my list now ;op
3. Talk it out. I'll talk things through with docs... Do I have the tumor I think I have? Am I on the verge of a stroke? Heart attack? Sometimes I don't know... Sometimes I feel like I have an ulcer, a punctured uterus... (remember I'm a hypochondriac) the docs will help me know what's real and what's not, and hopefully give a thumbs up. Also, it'll be a good idea to figure out what I should and shouldn't do relating to work, fires, pig crap, molded homes, 80 pound equipment, dead bodies... I have a crazy job people!
4. Stick me! I've had the chickenpox already... What other things do I need to make sure I'm immune to? Rubella? Do I really need to check for that?
5. Checking my family tree. What kind of genetic problems run in my family, anything I should be aware of? I don't think Cystic fibrosis and sickle cell anemia run in my family but if they do I should be aware, maybe get tested. This can be tricky cause I mean... I've gotta be sneaky. It's a little obvious to ask "so mom, what kind of birth defects run in our family?"
6. Go to the dentist! I haven't been in about 10 months and if I need any major work and main medicine I want to get it all done BEFOREHAND. I set up appointments for both of us for next week!

Hmm, this list seems to be kind of long. Anything else I may be missing? Something you with you had thought of a year or so before turning your baby makin' machine on? Or am I just over thinking this? Better safe than sorry right?

The Resolutions

2008 was a good year for me. Here are some of the things I did:

-I adopted my puppy Snoop
-Graduated college, and spoke at my graduation ceremony
-Continued reporting for a station in Salt Lake City and quit before I could get laid off.
-I got a new (better) job as an anchor/reporter in the WARM city of Austin, Texas.
-Became a suga mama
-Learned how to sew
-Started a dog collar business (still trying to make my money back)
-Made new friends
-Got an iPhone :o)
-Celebrated my 4 year anniversary
-Started "monthly mini-vacations" with my hub-a-lub
-Cried less
-Grew up more
-Became an avid blogger

This year I hope to:

-Learn how to cook
-Eat better
-Give up caffeine
-Read the good books daily
-Go on more real vacations
-Enjoy one of the last years without spawn
-Learn Yoga
-Exercise more (aka ever)
-Keep a good blogging streak
-Volunteer more
-Babysit
-Be a better wife
-Get back into the habit of writing a daily journal
-Start a gratitude journal
-Pray more
-Be brutally honest
-*Get knocked up


*= maybe

I have a feeling 2009 has a lot in store for me. Between my three blogs and two journals, I'll have a lot of stuff to look back and read. Moving to a new place for the first time in 5 years has been a new challenge for me, but I think it'll give me the opportunity to grow in ways I didn't know. Hopefully 2009 will bring me growth in my career, marriage, relationships and spirituality.

Cheers to 2009!

The Flashback

I came across a blog post I wrote years ago, not long after I got married. It was titled "What's wrong with women these days?"(I say "was" because in a recent rampage I must have deleted every post I had made). I went on and on about how crazy I thought people were for getting married and having kids right after being so young. My friends... Lots of them, were having kids! I said how I wanted to at least finish school first, have a degree or two. Have a house, have traveled with my husband, be successful in my career. I know... Sounds selfish right? Well, I still stand behind most of what I said. It is still weird knowing that most of my friends have children and/or are pregnant, but part of me (a very small one) can relate.

I have my house, I'm established in my career, have four years of marriage under my belt, and practice with a puppy. I'm still only 22 though (23 in January), and most of my friends in my new town think I'm crazy every time I even mention the "B" word.

Right now I'm thinking my plan is to have a kid by 2010, or in 1 year and 10 months to be exact. In that time I'm hoping my husband will complete school and I'll have some healthy habits established and be ready for the plunge. Of course plans do change, and I'll be sure to note my monthly change of mind.

I was planning on applying to graduate school this year but this book called "How to study for the GRE" scared me away. That's still something I'm wanting to go for, and I'm hoping it can be done with spawn.

And lastly... The car. "Lexus before little ones" or "Beemers before babies" were little sayings I made up to keep me focused on my goals. Oh you'd better believe I'm still getting my car... Just maybe not until my next promotion.
But instead of this sporty version I'm thinking of something a little more family friendly