The Break

If you've been reading about my dilemma here and then the conversations here then you know what I mean when I say I've had a lot on my mind. I've come to terms with the fact that everything will work out. I think I want to address two ideas that were brought up in the comments section and wrap up my whiny rants and pull my husband out from under the bus.

First, on not using birth control, but not trying... Hubs is definitely not down for that... And while I wouldn't see it as actively "trying" I still would say it kind of is.. I mean, yea. I never really got that myself, when my friends would say they weren't on birth control but weren't trying for a baby. I guess it depends on the way you feel... If you don't care if you get pregnant either way, maybe it's not really a feeling of "trying" for a baby, but if you're disappointed when you get your visit from aunt flow, maybe deep down you are... Just a thought.

As for my mentioning of my invisible window of opportunity... I'm not talking about my age. I know I'm young, and technically should be able to make babies for quite some time. To be honest, it use to confuse and kind of upset me when young women would tell me they wanted to start trying ASAP because something may happen and they won't be able to later on. I didn't get why they would say something so--So, negative sounding. I'm not sure if it's a religious, cultural belief, or a wives tale that's been passed on, I have no idea what it is, and I don't think anyone can until they feel it themselves.

I don't feel like if I don't have a child NOW I may not ever be able to, but I do feel like now is the right time, but my strong impression of that feeling is diminishing and I'm not sure if it's because maybe it's not the time, or because the time is coming and going... This time. --Did all of that jibber jabber make sense? Basically, I know my feelings for wanting a child right now are beyond myself and my own feelings, I know that this time, it's much more than baby hunger or an urge.

Anyway, I'm not really trying to bring it up anymore, we'll come together on it eventually... The last thing I want to do us push him into something he really doesn't want and he resent me/our child for it. I couldn't really see that happening but ya never know! If one of us has to be miserable and depressed I'd rather it be me than him anyway. I may still get my IUD taken out soon though, a compromise we're debating (letting the hormones wear off while using a non-hormonal form of BC). We have a doctor's appointment next month, we'll see how that goes. Oh and I will mention that after dropping the subject, he has already brought up the conversation TWICE today. He says he really wants to have a child right now too but doesn't feel like it would be a responsible thing to do because we're not "financially" able. After just hearing him out I've decided to let it go for now. I still feel the way I do but I feel like he'll come around on his own if we're suppose to.

On a side note...I went to the dentist today and he said I have some work to get done... 13 cavities!! WHATEVER! Ok, no joke.. I think he's trying to rip me off. I went to the dentist 9 months ago and was told I had great teeth, no cavities! Oh, and I've only had 1 cavity in my entire life! Now all of a sudden I have 13? Not buying it! I'm going to get a second opinion... If I can figure out how that works. Either way I've gotta get that done beforehand right?

The Talk

After my last post I really started to think... A lot. And the more I thought about it the more I talked about it, and the more I talked about it the more emotional I got. I'm not sure if my hormones are going haywire or if it's just me but my mind has shifted from thinking about "the urge" to thinking more seriously about the whole baby makin' thing. I'm looking more seriously at my baby bucket list thing now too because the time line which I pictured myself being able to complete it is quickly shrinking. That's right... You're eyes aren't betraying you, I think I really will need to start looking for one of those time lines with sperm swimming towards an egg. No, I'm not kidding if you find one let me know, I want it... Because I may be exchanging my remanding 2 years of birth control for something a little less effective. I'm not going to say when in case I change my mind tomorrow. But if I find that widget I keep talking about maybe I will. *smile* Ok, maybe not.

But I am excited, because now I feel like I have a date... A plan, and this whole parenting this is starting to feel less like an "us vs them" thing to me, and more like a reality. One thing that was left in the comments section that really struck me was "I think it's one of those things of when you're ready, you'll know," The Blond Duck said. "Kinda of like getting married. You want to be as sure as you were walking down the aisle."

That really struck home with me. Never have I been so sure about something in my life more than I'm sure of marrying my husband. I know there's a difference between being nervous and scared, and being unsure. I'm not feeling unsure, not this time--But that is scary.

Hmm, the more I think about it the more I think I may not tell you when it's baby makin' time because then there's no surprise! I like surprises! Plus, I think if I talk about it too much I'll either 1. Not be able to get pregnant for like 6 six years or 2. It will be LAME when I do, because it'll just be like "Finally... You've been talking about it forever!"

I will tell you it's not like tomorrow or anything... And if things don't take right away we'll be cool with that too. And hopefully I won't change my mind tomorrow.

Hmm, what do you think? Did you share your baby makin' timeline?

Oh, but I have to tell you a funny story but warning: it could be TMI.

When we were having this "Talk" hubby said "Well, we're going to have to start doing it more cause at this rate it would take us about eight years."