Mi familia-Watch out Duggars, I want a BIG one

I am the oldest of five children. I have three beautiful sisters. Heather, who just turned 21, Lauren, who is 13 and Kimberly who is 5. My handsom little brother is Michael, and he's 16.

We didn't all grow up together. In fact, my mom was pregnant with my youngest sister at my wedding (go ahead, bring on the Mormon jokes) so we didn't ever all live under the same roof at the same time.

For most of my childhood it was my younger sister Heather and I. We had some good times but it got oh so much more interesting when Lauren was born, and when my brother joined the family through adoption.

During my maternity leave we were all together for the first time in years. We snapped these pictures and I get a big smile every time I look at them. Having us all together made me realize something...

I want a big family.

I know family size is one of those topics people have on--Oh, say the third date (in Mormon time) and I know we did way back when but that feels like it was more than half a century ago (really it was just nearly 7 years ago)! Things can change can't they? Are opinions on family size changes allowed?

I didn't used to want a big family. I wanted two or three kids. But now I want 10.

Or 6.

But really I'd be happy with 3.

My husband is set on two, which is devastating because I don't think two is enough. What if our next child is another girl? I want to know what it's like to have a son! And what if it's a boy? I want at least one of our kids to have a sibling of the same gender to play with.

I've started to tell my husband I want five kids, hoping we can compromise at three or four. We'll see how that goes.

Expense I think is probably biggest thing that would be standing in our way. But kids don't HAVE to be expensive right?

I always said I'd take it one kid at a time, and right now, I'm already wanting another. I thought 18 months apart would be a good age gap but that would mean I'd need to get knocked up in a couple months and I can tell you for a fact that's NOT happenin.

I'd love for my kids to be close in age so they can grow up together, play together, and see each other at school. I know it's crazy, and we're not ready, but it's in the back of my mind.

Maybe next time I'll randomly get pregnant with quadruplets and we'll be set.

Anyone Else Need A Vacation From Their Weekend?

Our weekends seem to be getting busier as the girls get older. With ballet for my eldest, gymnastics and music class for my youngest, plus family get togethers, playdates, birthday parties and more, I need a vacation from our weekend!

We no longer have lazy Sundays where we can sleep in and relax. Chores have replaced reading the paper or going out for brunch. Don’t get me wrong, our weekend plans are great fun. The girls love their respective activities and I love going with them. They have so much energy that if we don’t get out of the house by 10am they start to go stir crazy. We plan playdates and other activities because they love them and allows them to use up some of their endless amounts of energy. It’s also a chance for us to catch up with our adult friends. But no matter how many activities we do, they just don’t tire out!

Yesterday, even after a playdate where the girls had a dance party, pretended to be animals and literally hopped around the house for two hours, they still had energy to burn! We took them swimming after Juliet’s nap and the only people who were exhausted after that were me and my husband!

How do you get the rest and relaxation you need to recharge? For me, it helps that the girls are in nursery school in the mornings which gives me a chance to work and write. At least I get a two hour chunk of time during which I can actually sit down for awhile and get things done. I am also very thankful that my mom comes over two afternoons a week to play with the girls. Making dinner is much easier when they are occupied!

I hear parents of much older children talk about a return to lazy Sunday mornings as their children start to sleep in and don’t need them anymore. While this sounds lovely, I already know I will miss their early morning snuggles, their wrestling, their dancing and all the time we spend together. Despite how tired I find I am most of the time, I know this period will go by so quickly and I don’t want to miss a moment!

Guest Blog by Sprout Right: How To Avoid Winter Flu's

I came across this posts for alternative ways to boost your immune system and avoid illness this winter and was happy when Lianne from Sprout Right let me post on the blog. I will definitely be printing this out to try and stay healthy!

How to Avoid Winter Flu's
By: Lianne Phillipson-Webb, www.sproutright.com
It’s cold and dark outside. Yes winter is coming and we all know what that means—colds, flu, and other bugs flying around the office, school or daycare, and then brought home to circulate the family.

So far I’ve heard of Norwalk hitting hard, lingering coughs and colds, but not the flu… yet. Whether you find yourself achy all over, warming up with a fever, that scratchy throat feeling or nose is running like a tap, it means something’s coming. Those damn bugs gotcha!

Do you go for the medicine cabinet, or vitamin cupboard? In my house, well you can guess, I get out my remedy first aid kit and start there. I pull out the oregano oil (mixed in some Echinacea syrup so we can get it down), probiotics, vitamin C, garlic drink and specific homeopathic remedies depending on what the symptoms are. My daughters know that feeling sick means the caster oil and cold wet socks are coming at bedtime too (I’ll explain that craziness later on).

That may sound like quite a list, but I really hate being sick. If I could just lie on the couch and let it ride, I still wouldn’t like it. So I throw it all at us. And it works. If we’ve had some virus or whatever bug gets us, it generally hits us less or leaves faster.

What can you do to help your family? Here are my top tips:

Find yourself a naturopath or homeopath. As well as booking an intro consult, ask if they offer phone/email consults for acute situations. I’m able to email mine with symptoms and get feedback of what homeopathic remedies that will help speed recovery and lessen symptoms. If you aren’t familiar with homeopathy, it sure packs a punch. Your naturopath or homeopath can help you with specifics, so don’t worry about not knowing what it’s all about.
Create your own remedy first aid kit.
Start with vitamin C. A powder is best and most versatile for the family. It should dissolve in water or dilute juice and can be downed in one or sipped throughout the day. Adults can take about 2000 mg once or twice a day and kids 200 – 400 mg per day (too much vit C = diarrhoea, so ease off if that’s the case). Chech out the link below for my favourite product, Ascorbate C.

Oil of Oregano has potent antiviral and antifungal properties. It is taken against colds and flu’s, candida and parasites. Start it as any symptoms start. Adult dose – one to two drops mixed in with juice. Babies and children – put one drop on the soles of their feet. *Oregano oil is not recommended for breastfeeding. Use for no longer than three weeks and dose up on probiotics too while taking it.

Echinacea is an herbal immune booster. It works best when you feel the start of a cold or other symptoms. Long-term use is not advised. Take for one week then not the next. Continue over the winter months.

Probiotics are a sneaky way to boost the immune system. It sounds kind of backwards, taking good bacteria when it will go to my intestines – but when you understand that about 80 per cent of your immune system is in your digestive system, it all makes sense. Check out the link below for a description of Genestra’s products that I’ve used for years.

When you are hit with something, these crazy sounding remedies can be used on the whole family.

Castor Oil - Rub a loonie size of caster oil on the chest, over the lung area, front and back. Do this before bed, and use a hot water bottle over the area if age appropriate.

Cold Wet Socks – This is a great natural remedy for coughs, colds and congestion. Here’s what you do:

Before bed, make a pair of cotton socks with cold water, squeeze out excess water. Put the socks on the feet and cover with wool or wooly overtop. As crazy as it sounds, it really works. I’ve got up in the middle of the night before to re-wet my socks so I stop coughing. It’s better than cough medicine.

I have not made either of these up, they’ve been around for years. I know it sounds completely nuts, but I promise you it really helps!

Check out SproutRight.com here for more information on specific supplements.

Other suggestions include:

Avoid sugar – I know, I know, you only feel like snacking on comfort foods. Sugar can suppress the immune system for a period of hours, so it might be the difference to one day off to a few.

Drink immune boosting herbal teas and ease off the coffee and milk – don’t send me packing with my ideas just yet – let me explain. Your body (or your kid’s) need fluids so herb teas are warm, wet and also can help give a boost. Dairy products are mucus forming, so you may find yourself not needing any help in the mucus-producing department (both coughs and colds), so just shelve it for now.

Try the ‘Garlic Bomb’. You are at home anyway so it doesn’t matter if you have garlic breath. This one is probably only for adults, not kiddies. Fill a mug with boiled water from the kettle. Use a garlic press to crush a clove of garlic into the water. Add a teaspoon of honey, a squeeze of lemon and even a chunk of fresh ginger if you have it. Drink it all. The garlic bits at the bottom too.

So now that you’ve got more than enough ideas of how to make this a healthier winter, go stock up and be ready for what comes!

This is not meant to take the place of medical advice or a visit to the doctors.

Oh! The Cute things they will do

Okay, so my title is a takeoff from the Dr. Seuss book Oh! The Places we will go, but this post is all about the adorable things children do when they are young so I thought it was fitting. My youngest, Juliet, is a character. She is a very social and happy child and makes me laugh. She has her quirks like most children and today I wanted to write about her latest which is where she sleeps.


Juliet decided in August while both Brett, my husband, and Ainsley were in England that she would no longer sleep in her crib. One night, she woke up in the middle of the night and I went in to comfort her and put her back to sleep she screamed bloody murder. She then tried to climb out. Hint #1 to mommy that the crib was getting old. So I laid her mattress on the floor and that’s where she spent the remainder of the night. I was hopeful that this was an anomaly as I was in no rush to lose the caged in qualities of the crib but at nap time, the same thing happened and I took the hint. The crib was passé.

Since moving into her toddler bed, Juliet has found other places to sleep. While she does sleep in her bed, she has been exploring other options. We started off not using a gate on her door as for the first few nights she stayed in her room. Then we found her sleeping on a box of diapers in the hallway (I kid you not). The gate went up.

Juliet’s favourite alternative to sleeping on her bed is her pottery barn chair (see picture). Not quite sure why but we often will find her asleep here and move her to her bed. The other night though, she found a new place. My husband was putting Juliet to bed while I put Ainsley down. I finished and realized about 20 minutes later that my husband was still in Juliet’s room. I peaked in and saw him asleep on the floor covered in a blanket, which after speaking with him realized Juliet had put on him. I looked around for Juliet, first searching the bed then the pottery barn chair and could not see her anywhere. I then noticed two little feet dangling off the end of the rocking chair. Juliet had climbed up into the chair and this is where she had fallen asleep after tucking her daddy in.



All in all, we think it’s hilarious that she can and will fall asleep in the oddest of places and we do wonder what will be next. Her closet? The carpet? On top of her toy box? Apparently she isn’t picky.
What adorable things do your kids do?

Where to Draw the Line?

"One thing that made me want to put off having children for the first few years of our marriage was the fear of raising a family in the crazy world we live in.

Being a journalist I’m very aware, and sometimes jaded by all of the sadness in the world. I haven’t grown to be fearful, rather just disappointed in people and their actions.

I’ve always been a sensitive person. I remember arriving home from kindergarten class, crying after a classmate called me ugly because of my dark skin.

My mother was just being introduced into this world of childhood bullying (well, from the “mom” perspective that is) since I am her oldest. She quickly learned though, after putting on her mama bird suit and visiting with my teacher asking what in the world was going on.

I see myself having the same reaction my mother did initially for just about any negative response towards my little girl. I feel like I want to shield her from the crazy, rude, and harsh world we live in. I know that’s not necessarily the right thing to do because one day she’ll have to grow up and wake up, but I wonder if there’s some happy medium..."

I've never really grown out of my sensitivity issues. Ask my husband, he'd tell you how quickly a snide remark can open up the flood gates.

I've never understood, and never will understand how people can be intentionally mean to people. A sarcastic comment on my part will quickly send me back peddling if I feel the slightest bit of harm toward my intended jokemate. I think that's why I'm not very funny.

Online, comments, remarks, thoughts and feelings are taken to a whole 'nother level. People can say what they want, unfiltered, and have the shield of a computer screen to hide behind.

I turned off anonymous comments from my blog after countless comments from people who would disagree with me on a topic, and say the meanest things, while too afraid to put their name to it. I can honestly say I have never and will never leave a rude anonymous comment on someone's blog. If they're writing about something I don't agree with I'll A. Either stop reading or B. Leave a comment with my disagreements but also leave a way they can contact me or respond in case they'd like to discuss further. I have no problem standing behind what I say, and I'd wouldn't say anything hurtful.

Bringing a baby into the world isn't an easy feat. Bringing a baby into the world and sharing my journal of the experience with the world is even more insane, but that's been my choice and I've been ok with that so far. But now that I'm weeks away from having her--with an audience that's multiplied so much more than I ever imagined it would--I'm faced with lots of questions about where to draw the line.

If my husband had his way, her birthday would be the last day of my blog, as my "journey toward motherhood" would be complete. Pictures wouldn't be displayed, names wouldn't be shared. He's obviously a much more private person than I am.

Being the open and excited person that I am, I feel like I'd want to share my joy, my baby girl, just as I have shared so much already, but at the same time I worry I'd be setting a target out to be hit. I wouldn't be able to contain my anger if someone said something hurtful about my daughter, or the way I choose to birth or raise her.

Initially I thought I'd share her first name after her birth, in a photo that would be removed a day or two later, but now I'm not so sure. I thought I'd flood my blog with photos, but now I'm, second-guessing.

I can't shield my little girl from the crappy parts of the world, but I can do my part in other places, starting online.

Where do you or will you draw the line online with your children? Do you use real names? Share photos? I'd love some other parenting opinions on this topic.

The first part of this post was originally written for my Project Pregnancy Blog. You can read the rest of my fears about my daughter facing racism and other issues on today's post over there.

The Presents my children leave me

I love watching what my girls do with their toys. They often do not play with them as one would traditionally do but this is what I find so charming about young children. They have the imagination to see how else something can be used. In addition to creative playing, the girls also find creative places to put their toys. I often find a puzzle piece in my pocket or a small toy in one of my shoes. I don't understand the reasoning behind this but apparently both my children feel these are appropriate places for these items.

Last night, when I was getting ready to go to sleep, I found quite a few presents from my girls. In our bed was a large bead necklace and a purse. Tucked in under the covers. On my bedside table I found a diaper left by my eldest for what purpose I do not know. On my bathroom counter was an action figure from the movie monsters versus Aliens. Each item was put in place by one of my daughters. Either because they felt that the item fit there or they were distracted and abandoned the toy for another.

At times it is frustrating that no matter how many times we clean up, there are always toys underfoot. However, I think it's fascinating to try and figure out what they were thinking when they put the half-eaten apple under the couch.

What is your toughest time as a parent?

Today is day four of a stomach bug that has gone through our household. I was sick a week ago and it took me 6 days to start feeling normal again. Juliet came down with the illness on Friday night and the poor thing was sick all night. She is slowly getting better and is starting to eat food. Ainsley was sick twice Sunday night but seems to have recovered quickly.

I find it very tough as a parent when my kids are sick. I feel so badly for them when they are sick and the only thing you can do is comfort them. Last night for the first time since Juliet was just born she slept with us in our bed. We as a rule don't sleep with our children because I find that I don't sleep well and they don't sleep well. However, last night Juliet could not be consoled and for the sake of my sleep and her sleep I caved and we slept. I just hope she doesn't expect this to become a routine.

I am starting to see the end of this illness which has put a strain on our washing machine and my husband is thankful that we had a ton of sleepers for Juliet as we definitely needed them!!! I hope that we now will have a period of health for awhile.

Each time they get sick I find that I am able to deal with it a bit better but it's tough. It's emotionally draining and it's tough not being able to leave the house for days. At least Brett and I are a pretty good team and work well together to get our kids back into fighting form.

The Sunday Praises

My friend Randi noticed a little while ago that I crossed of "Get REALLY good with God" off my Baby Bucket List and wanted to know how that happened.

I've been getting so much better at reading my scriptures every night... I'm not reading them in order or anything currently, but just finding some meaningful versus to read each night before bed. But as long as I can remember nothing can bring me closer to the Lord as quickly as Hymns. It's been that way since I was a little girl.

My uncle joined the LDS church before I was 10 and he gave me a tape with church music on it. I remember falling asleep listening to it almost every night on my tape player.

I was reminded of that memory last week at church when a young woman sang "I Stand All Amazed" in front of the congregation. I kept that Spirit I felt with me the rest of the day... The rest of the week, as my new favorite thing to do is find my favorite church songs on Youtube and play them while I'm on the computer. I need to figure out the songs I like and put them all on a CD one of these days.

Oh, and I came across a picture that I've decided I MUST HAVE... One day! It's not everyday you see a beautiful picture like this will a little girl that looks like I did.
It's called "Hand and Hand" and it's by Greg Olsen.

Last week I decided to turn off the TV and think a little more. I've still been busy with work and other distractions but I've been more focused on listening to the whispers of the Spirit, and just been plain happier. Somehow my mind seems clearer and I just have a complete comfort that everything is going to work out, and I'm reminded of my many blessings.

This week I'm grateful for:
My health
My wonderful husband
My job, a career I'm good at, and source of income
My benefits... Being able to have GREAT health insurance
Snoop... Who is always so happy to greet me when I get home
My husband's job, and desire to be a good husband and father
Knowing there is a God--Not just believing KNOWING!
My faith and optimism
The EXCITEMENT we BOTH have to become parents!

Really, never have I been so excited, and my excitement is really coming from a different source. I'm less excited about the cute ways I'm going to dress my baby up and more excited about raising a child of God.

Looking at this picture and remembering the innocents and love I had for church when I was a little girl and it reminded me of my favorite song I'd sing at church back in the day. It was called "A Child's Prayer" and I'd request it and belt it out whenever given the chance.

Heavenly Father, are you really there...
And do you hear and answer every child's prayer?
Some say that Heaven is far away
But I feel it close around me as I pray
Heavenly Father, I remember now
Something that Jesus told disciples long ago
"Suffer the children to come to me"
Father in prayer I'm coming now to thee.

Pray, He is there
Speak, He is listening
You are His child
His love now surrounds you
He hears your prayer
He loves the children
Of such is the Kingdom
The Kingdom of Heaven

I can't wait to have a child of my own to share my love with, and share my love for the Lord with. I hope He trusts us enough to bless us with one of His children sometime soon.

The Wheel: Balancing Marriage Before and After Baby

Sadly, children is one of the top five reasons couples get divorced. Not having children I'm not exactly sure why that is, but that statistic sorta frightens me.

When I was on my trip with The Blogrollers in Chicago I met a lot of women who had been married longer than I had. One thing I took the time to ask them was how they made their marriage work.

Most women were at a loss for words when it came to describing the technique. From what I hear, once you have kids it can make time together more difficult and stressful. Most of the women I talked to said it was a struggle getting their husbands to help out around the house.

Luckily for me, that's not a problem with us... Yet. To be honest, I'm the one getting begged and pleaded with to help. It's actually been that way the entire time we've been married. I've done the laundry maybe a handful of times, and the dishes... I think three times. So seeing we're an odd couple when it comes to that it has me wondering what our battles will be when a baby comes into the picture.

I think it'll be waking up at night... As we both love to sleep. When we first got Snoop I was the one who got up in the middle of the night to let him go to the bathroom. Now though, my husband is the one that remembers to walk (and feed) him every day.

Thinking about all of this and after reading my friend's Newly Identified blog post about marriage, it made me think about what makes OUR marriage work now.

One of the biggest, most obvious things is communication. We try not to go to bed angry, but sometimes that's not always possible. But when we wake up the next day usually we've cooled off enough to talk about whatever the problem is. Sometimes communication means tears (on my part) but at least it's getting it all out there. Neither of us are too proud to say "I'm sorry," and I can't think of any problem or disagreement we haven't been able to handle.

Sure, there are things that bug the HECK out of me, but I've learned to adjust to them, and not let it get to me. I think that's important--Accepting who they are, and remembering why you fell in love and got married. Sometimes that thing you loved about them changes, but that's ok. I think you've gotta be willing to grow and change together.

But most of all... The advice I think works best in any relationship, is advice I shared in a small hotel room in Chicago with five other wonderful women. The opportunity to share it came up when one of the women said sometimes it's hard to continue to get closer together as you grow older, because you change and sometimes grow apart. In answer to that I shared the advice I was given before we got married and I've promised to never forget.

My future-husband at the time, and I were described as spokes on a wheel. Sometimes we'd be far apart on this wheel and sometimes we'd be close together. But what will be sure to pull us closer together more than anything else is what's in the center of that post... The center being Christ.

He told us if we both work toward getting closer to Christ we'd also be getting closer to each other at the same time.

I'm not sure exactly how having a child will change our marriage. There are the obvious things like sleep and time, but I wonder what kind of toll it will take on us. I love spending time with my husband now, and sometimes that already can be short. How will I continue to make alone time for us?

Last night after a long day we went babysitting. We were both already tired and a little cranky, but our little friend was wide awake and ready to play. Not long after we got there, we were both getting tired. We took turns playing with him while the other rested our eyes.

During my his, my husband was playing with J, but he was being SO loud! I mean, WAY louder than the laughing baby. I shhhed him, and he told me that is what it was going to be like after we have a baby.

His words made me think... Seeing he'll be a fun and entertaining dad is encouraging, but obnoxiously loud? Hmmm. I hope our love for the Lord can keep us from driving each other crazy after kids!

I've heard children can bring you closer together but I've also heard they can drive you further apart. What do you do to keep your marriage going strong? Those with children--How do you make it so your children bring you closer together? What are the major changes in your relationship after having kids? I'd LOVE your input!

What do you track when your child is sick?

Hello Readers,

I am brainstorming for new products to add to the Glow Baby line and I've been asked by a few people to create a sick log for their children. I have been lucky enough to not have gone through any serious illnesses (neither of my daughters have had a fever yet) so I am asking other moms to weigh in on this.

What do you track when your child is sick?

What would you want to see included in a sick log?

Thanks to all who participate. I appreciate getting feedback from other moms. Please feel free to invite your friends to comment.

The Distance Dilemma--Solved

Don't look back... Only forward. Those are the words that are playing on "repeat" in my mind as I think about my life and the way it's going, though sometimes I'm not sure which way is which.

I loved visiting with all of his family and we miss them so much. But it was also SO much fun to be a visitor. You know... Special treatment and all. Snoop was greeted with a nice big bone on our bed, and we both got treats too. I can imagine how fun it will be when trips to grandma's house are special for our children.

I thought I'd leave Utah yearning for more and dying to move back, but that's not the case. Coming back to Austin was coming Home for us, and it feels great.

Being in a new place--Though I've been there a year, is a good excuse to become a new person, reinvent and redefine oneself. I'm not sure what the new definition of "me" is... Blogger? Potential mother? But I know I have to keep moving forward.

As I leave one family behind I'm opening my arms to embrace a new one--One that's not quite formed, but it's coming together. I have two close friends having babies. As much as I wish that were me, I'm sincerely happy for them. I'm where I am for a reason, and I have to trust that everything will work out.

Before, I was thinking our kids would be missing out on so much if we lived away from family. But now I've realized there's family everywhere, though we're not always bound by blood.

****

According to Random.org, the winners of Part 1 of my 400th Follower giveaway:
Commenter #138: The VERY lucky Jess won the hand-stamped necklace from Token Designs.
Commenter #282: The also VERY lucky AnaLee wins the beautiful premade layout of their choice from The Design Girl.
Commenter #34: Elle's Mom won the beautiful LOVE sign from The Back Porch Shoppe.
Commenter #308: JusticeCW wins the wristlet of their choice from Sweet Irie (I just got mine today and I LOVE it!!)
And finally, Commenter #12: {Katie Lane} wins an adorable BBQ style Apron from Aprons and More!

Winners get me your addresses! LIVE giveaway winners... I know we've already determined, you can send me your addresses too, but I'm going to request those later this week.

There's still time to enter my 400th Follower Giveaway. Part 2 ends tonight at midnight!

The News Story That Opened My Eyes

As many of you know I work as a reporter. Most days I like my job a lot, but days like today I LOVE my job, because I don't know how else I would meet such wonderful people and children.

I work as an anchor and education reporter in Austin. I came across a Craigslist ad begging for awareness for a school in Austin created specially for young children diagnosed with Autism. It's not far from closing down because of lack of funding.

I've been around people with Autism before but never to this degree... But it wasn't just the kids who grabbed my heart and held tight, but their mothers. Never have I seen such love for a child, never have I felt that close to how a mother must feel about her child. A story has never given me the opportunity to sit down a just talk to a woman about her pride and joy--Her child.

I've been told several times that once you hold your baby in your arms it's a miracle when you realize how much love you can hold for a single being.

Hearing the struggles from these women brought tears to my eyes and tugged at my heart strings like never before. I don't think I've ever cried on location of one of my stories before, but today I did. Today I wanted to reach out and hug every mother in the world--Every mother who has a child with disabilities--Every mother who worries about her child day and night--Every mother who cries daily wishing she could do more for her family--Every mother who loves her child.

Cheers to you mothers. I can't wait to join the club.

To watch the story I'm still boo-hooing over click here. (It takes a moment to start playing after the anchor speaks)

The Talk

After my last post I really started to think... A lot. And the more I thought about it the more I talked about it, and the more I talked about it the more emotional I got. I'm not sure if my hormones are going haywire or if it's just me but my mind has shifted from thinking about "the urge" to thinking more seriously about the whole baby makin' thing. I'm looking more seriously at my baby bucket list thing now too because the time line which I pictured myself being able to complete it is quickly shrinking. That's right... You're eyes aren't betraying you, I think I really will need to start looking for one of those time lines with sperm swimming towards an egg. No, I'm not kidding if you find one let me know, I want it... Because I may be exchanging my remanding 2 years of birth control for something a little less effective. I'm not going to say when in case I change my mind tomorrow. But if I find that widget I keep talking about maybe I will. *smile* Ok, maybe not.

But I am excited, because now I feel like I have a date... A plan, and this whole parenting this is starting to feel less like an "us vs them" thing to me, and more like a reality. One thing that was left in the comments section that really struck me was "I think it's one of those things of when you're ready, you'll know," The Blond Duck said. "Kinda of like getting married. You want to be as sure as you were walking down the aisle."

That really struck home with me. Never have I been so sure about something in my life more than I'm sure of marrying my husband. I know there's a difference between being nervous and scared, and being unsure. I'm not feeling unsure, not this time--But that is scary.

Hmm, the more I think about it the more I think I may not tell you when it's baby makin' time because then there's no surprise! I like surprises! Plus, I think if I talk about it too much I'll either 1. Not be able to get pregnant for like 6 six years or 2. It will be LAME when I do, because it'll just be like "Finally... You've been talking about it forever!"

I will tell you it's not like tomorrow or anything... And if things don't take right away we'll be cool with that too. And hopefully I won't change my mind tomorrow.

Hmm, what do you think? Did you share your baby makin' timeline?

Oh, but I have to tell you a funny story but warning: it could be TMI.

When we were having this "Talk" hubby said "Well, we're going to have to start doing it more cause at this rate it would take us about eight years."

The Family Tree--A Sad Revelation

Last summer I had the opportunity to stay with my great-grandfather in Atlanta, GA. He just turned 90 last month! How often to grown people still have great-grandparents alive? I think it would be really cool if we have a child while he's still around and he'll have his first GREAT-great-grandchild! Wouldn't that make a great picture?

Well last summer while I was staying with him he told me a lot about all of his children, and "my mother" as he'd call her but he really meant my grandmother (his daughter).

I wrote down a story he told me the day it happened because it was so powerful to see him, a 90 year old man, still grieve over his children.

May 9th, 2007

Dear Diary,

Since being here and talking with my great-grandpa I've been able to put two and two together about some things finally. It's like playing connect the dots. I can take all of the stories I learn about my grandmother's childhood, and before she was born, and stick it to everything she's told me, and everything I already know about her in her adult age.

Not many people get to hear first-hand stories about their grandparents growing up as rebellious children from THEIR parent's perspective. I swear my great-grandpa could go on for days about his life. Today I heard a few shocking stories. One being how he remembers his mom having to sand down their floors so he and his siblings wouldn't get splinters playing on the hard wood floors.

His wife of forty years passed away nine years ago. "She was the love of my life" he tells me. This was his second wife. His first wife and he split after ten years of marriage. His children all have grandchildren, and none of them visit him much. So he's pretty much a lonely man with a lot of stories bottled up. I woke up this morning and I had planned on going back up to the station to edit a story together for my tape. I wasn't planning on staying at home for long, and I was working on my paper resume when he came in.

Loving his company, and knowing he loves mine, I started to show him pictures on my computer. I was showing him some pictures of a dog show I went to and it reminded him of the dog he had. So he brought in a box, full of pictures of his family. They were all in frames. The box also had about 20 empty frames at the bottom. He said he planned on putting every one's picture in each frame but he hasn't gotten around to it yet.

I saw a picture of one of his sons—my great uncle. I knew he had died but I didn't know how. I never knew how my older relatives died, and I really never cared that much until this summer. I had always just assumed they were old.

"How did he die?" I asked. This is becoming a common question of mine. I immediately knew talking about this death wasn't going to be easy. I could tell by the look on his face.

He told me he wasn't sure if he should tell me. He didn't know if my grandmother would want me to know. I was beginning to wonder if I really wanted to know. But my curiosity got to me.

"Is it scary?" I asked. He nodded.
"Did it have to do with a car accident?"
"No," he replied.
"Does it happen to do with devils?"
"What?" He looked at me confused.
"Devils?... Was he possessed?" I added.
"No," he told me. I was happy then. I could handle just about anything
else. But then I thought of one other possibility.
"Was he murdered?" I asked again.
"Maybe," he replied. "I'm just going to let you read the article."

I knew this was going to be hard for him so I told him I didn't have to know. He told me he would go out of the room if he had to. He handed me the newspaper article. "DEATH WISH--HE KILLED THAT HE MIGHT BE KILLED" the headline read. I read on... The article described the horrible day when my great uncle shot and killed his mother, a man working in his home and a bank teller. He also shot his step-father. Then a SWAT team member shot and killed him while he was in the bank. The article said it was his death wish. It said he was a loner, not very social, and instead of doing a private suicide he did this. I was so sad.

"Do you know why this happened?" I asked my great-grandpa. Stupid question I know.
"No," he told me.

He went on to explain how he had been a part of a sort of black panther group but came back and was always really quiet after that. Growing up he had lived with his grandmother (one of my great-great-grandmothers). He told me how he was just down the street when this happened and he didn't even know it was going on. Another one of his sons called him and asked if he knew what was going on. He didn't, and so he told him to sit down and explained what happened.

I was still in shock.
"Wow, that's so sad," I thought out loud. "He killed his mother."
"I know I shouldn't keep these things," my great grandpa started. And he
started to cry.

I hugged him and told him it's ok. I really didn’t know what to say. I had just learned of a secret my family has kept from me my whole life. But not only that... Just knowing that my 88 year-old great-grandpa has four children and he's already outlived half. One just died of cancer, another I'm told, seems to be irresponsible an immature (although he's 65) another is my grandmother who lives across the country in Nevada, and the last killed his own mother and then himself.

It's very rare you see a grown man cry. And this was hard for me to bear. My great-grandpa seems to be a happy man, "especially since you're here" he tells me. I decided to take the day off and hang out with him all day.

I can't imagine what it must have been like to have a life changing experience such as he did. I guess children are entirely life-changing miracles bringing the bad in with the good.

The Biracial Children--My Worries

My children will be biracial. They'll have me-Their black mother and my husband-Their white father.

In this day and age I like to think that won't be as big of an issue as it was in years past but every now and then I wonder.

I grew up in the South. In my ward none of the young men asked me out. Older women told me it was because they were intimidated. "You're so beautiful," they'd tell me. But deep down I knew the real reason why.

At stake dances I usually did all of the asking. I never thought much of it since I was the one with the outgoing personality, but looking back something was... Off.

I remember one guy named Doug. One of my best friends dated him on and off for a few months. He wore a confederate flag ring on one of his fingers. He also frequently wore T-shirts with confederate flags printed on them... As if he wanted to scream to the world he was a racist.

He liked me... As in I was his girlfriend's best friend so he would put up with me, talk to me and occasionally dance with me probably just to make her happy. "Black people are 'this or that,'" he'd say. "But you're different."

What do you mean I'm different? I don't talk with an accent or wear saggy jeans? Hello, that's called a stereotype not a formula for an entire race.

I had a crush on one guy in my high school for years. We were very close friends. I set him up with numerous dates with my other friends and we could tell each other anything. He wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to be his girlfriend. But one day after school he told me why that wasn't possible. "Because you're black," he told me point blank.

This isn't meant to be an "Oooh poor me" post because as I grew up through the years I interacted with and dated all types of men. I found "the one" for me, and he happens to be white.

My husband and I share the exact same beliefs as far as racial issues apparent today. He doesn't pretend to understand what I've gone through but he knows it's out there. Neither of us can stand racism and we've learned to stand together as a team and defend our relationship when necessary. We share the same religious beliefs, cultural beliefs and most importantly... Music taste.

The LDS church does have a dirty history when it comes to Blacks. I don't understand all of it and I'm not going to go into all of it. All we know is that if we were able to get married in an LDS temple and receive those blessings than our relationship--Our marriage IS ok.

I think know some people in the LDS church teach that dating outside of your race is "not recommended." No lie, it's in the manual of the "LDS Marriage and Family Class." (I think we should all ban together to get that taken out but that's another story.) I know people who have been so upset about this they've doubted, even left the church. Obviously my husband and I didn't care about that lesson because we're married today. I however, do worry for my children. We won't teach our children that "recommendation". Not only would that be hypocritical, in my opinion that would be WRONG.

Besides, if that were how it were supposed to be who is an interracial child to date? Only interracial people?

I worry especially that my daughters will face the same challenges I faced growing up, but won't deal with it as I did. I was able to brush it off my shoulder while other Black women hold a grudge, or get very upset. I can't completely put myself in their boat because I did meet my husband while attending a "Mormon college", and married him six months later. I didn't know it then, but I was an EXTREME minority.

I worry my sons will have a hard time finding women to date because their parents don't want their daughter child "dating a black boy."

I hope as my children grow up they meet other children who are taught to have friends of all races, and date people of all nationalities. Besides, religion, career, personality... Those are all things you can choose. You're born your race.

I don't want my children to grow up wishing they looked "more like daddy" or like their white friends. I want them to be proud of who they are, and proud to be brown. Most of all, I hope others around us are accepting and open minded enough to see people for more than just the color of their skin.

I know a lot of people who have adopted children out of their race... Adopted black children. (I can make that a whole new topic) but I'm curious to know your opinions on the matter, regardless of your child's skin color. Would you care if your child dated outside of your race? Your religion?

My beliefs on Blacks in the LDS Scriptures.

The Stresses

I was watching Snoop Dogg's "Father Hood" show and was really impressed with their parenting. Ok, I know it's television, but have you seen that show lately?

The mom (Shante) said a really good quote that I want to remember: "Once you become a mother you never stop worrying." Wow! I think my mom could agree with that... What about some of you moms?

Lately my dog Snoop has been getting into fights and lately I am ALWAYS worrying about him. I'm going on a vacation in a few weeks and I'm worried about where he'll stay while we're gone. If I'm stressing out and worrying about my DOG this much I can't IMAGINE how I'll be with a child.

I can't imagine worrying about much more than I do now and still being a sane person. Seriously... I think I'm already developing an ulcer. If I add much more my worries will burn an acidic hole through my stomach.

I'm worried about my career, where I'll be living a year from now, heck... where I may be living two months from now. Will my '96 Corolla last another year?-Cause Lord knows I can't afford another car payment right now.

Today is one of those days where my baby fever has died away and I feel fine waiting another decade.

The Urge

Why am I even contemplating creating spawn? I'm asking myself the same question. About two and a half years ago I worked at a credit union in Utah County. I worked with several other women who were a year or two older than me. I only worked there for a month, but just about everyday we'd get into a conversation about having kids. They pretty much wanted to get pregnant right then and there. I, on the other hand couldn't understand why. I couldn't wrap my brain around the idea of having a child at 22 or 23. It just seemed so young to me. I didn't want to hear the excuse "when you get older complications... blah blah blah" cause we all know the serious risk isn't until you're in your mid 30s. I know marriage can get... Mundane if you let it, after a few years. I've been married four years (on Tuesday!) and while we have a lot of fun together I can imagine it being more fun and entertaining with a little one.

Now when I stop and really think about why I want to have a kid relatively soon (2010, I'll be 25) I can only think of a few honest reasons:
1. It's going to be dang cute... I try not to say this too much cause I'm afraid I'll jinx myself into a weird-looking baby. But seriously, I can't wait to see what a little mini-us looks like. It's exciting.
2. No more boring life. Sometimes I'm mad cause I wish my car could be a transformer or my husband was a vampire... You know, the cool stuff. I easily get bored if I don't have a lot of things on my plate... Have a baby... problem solved!

3. Everyone else is doing it! (Aka: I'm jealous)

Sounds like the best reasons to have a kid right?

Aren't I suppose to feel like "I want to learn what it's like to sacrifice" "I want to learn patience" "I am excited to take care of another soul" "I'm ready to say goodbye to the life of a young free flying bird that goes wherever she pleases only worrying about my adjacent soulmate"? I'm not sure I'm--No, wait... I KNOW I'm not ready for any of that. But I've still got the urge!

It's like I'm hypnotized! I asked my husband for a blessing so I wouldn't be hypnotized anymore and he just laughed at me!

On the other hand, when I do the math and calculate that having a child at 27 would be a great wonderful age, but another 4 years seems like so long! What the heck am I going to do with myself for another 4 years? I love my husband but heck... I may get bored! I guess I can work on advancing more in my career, but do you even understand how hard it is seeing all of your friends having cute little kids and posting cute little stories and stuff? On one hand I want that too, but on the other hand, I think "I WILL have that too, just not now, and when I do, their kids will be bratty teenagers." But really, that's just to make myself feel better.

Why now? What is it that makes me want a kid so soon? And how in the world do I keep myself from jumping on the bandwagon?

Last week one of my dear friends called me asking the same questions so we talked about "the urge." Talking things through with her made me think I should take my own advice: Make personal goals to achieve before having kids, make plans to do things as a couple, maybe things you couldn't do with kids. Basically keep busy, and enjoy the time without kids because this is the one and ONLY ever time you have with just you and your spouse. Really, it's the ONLY time you'll have that... EVER (without having to worry about babbysitters and what not). Consider yourself special, because you have what many married couples don't... being childfree. And once you start you can't go back, ever ever ever EVER!

The thing that helps me the most is really realizing that and really trying to enjoy this young married couple time we have now, and living it to the fullest. I hope that works.

Any other tips?

The Mommy Moment of the Month

As stated in a previous post I literally have more married friends with kids than without (and that short list to prove it). A lot of my friends have blogs and WAY cute kids with great stories. I've decided I'll share some of the favorite stories I find with you!

Since I'm not even a mother myself and this blog is about ALL types of motherhood (pre, to-be, and actual) I'll look at blogs from my friends who may not be mom's yet either, because those stories are just as great!

The November pick (yes I'm starting with November since I started this blog last month) was easy, I read the long story in a couple of minutes because it was so intense! My beautiful friend Jamie told the story of the scariest moment of her life when her son got locked in an elevator:
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Last night we attended a Christmas party at the church. I was in charge of food and was busy scurrying around the kitchen taking care of things. All of a sudden we hear a fire alarm. Our friend Emmerson comes into the kitchen and says there is a baby stuck in the elevator!

I run out to find Dan and frantically ask him, "Where is Bryson?!" He says he doesn't know.

I sprinted downstairs to the elevator door and could hear my baby screaming over the sound of the alarm. I cannot even put into words the terror that was in my heart for my little boy. I honestly thought his tiny little fingers could be severed in the elevator door.

He was trapped because he had switched the emergency button, causing the elevator to freeze between the first and second floors.

Men from the ward were running around like crazy trying to force the elevator doors open. Dan called 911.

My dear friend Michelle came down and said a prayer with me. For the next ten minutes we sang "Jesus Wants me for a Sunbeam" and "I Am Like a Star Shining Brightly" at the top of our lungs, trying to reassure him that we were there. Meanwhile, I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to fight back the tears.

Finally, after ten painfully long minutes, Bryson managed to switch the emergency button again, which opened the doors.

Just then a fire engine pulled up and four firefighters arrived, one with an axe in his hands! I'm so grateful they didn't have to use it!

Bryson, who never lets me hold him, climbed into my arms and buried his little face into my shoulder. I have never been happier to hold my baby! After things settled down Bryson said to me, "Crying. Scary. Elevator. Button. Crying."

Needless to say, I poured out my heart to Heavenly Father in gratitude last night, so thankful my little boy was safe and sound, asleep in his crib.
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I can't imagine what that must have been like for her. The story was told so well that I could got scared just picturing having an experience like this! As a mother, your mindset must change completely, you no longer have yourself to think about but a whole other life form that can't really do much on it's own. Oh the responsibility!!

See it on her blog here.

I'm looking for a December post now. Have a nomination?

The List

I was at a friend's house making gingerbread houses when we got on the topic of marriage and children. She said she has hardly any friends who are married, and I told her most of my friends were married, and a lot of them have kids. I started showing her some of my friends' blogs and we 'oooed and aaaahhhhed' over the cute little families. She couldn't believe how many friends I have with kids. I made a list a while ago and I'm not sure if I can even come close to remembering all of my pregnant friends or friends who have recently had kids, and I was going to put it here to keep track, but once I quickly thought up about 15 couples I realized it would probably be easier for me to post my friends who DON'T have kids, then keep track of when they cross over to the dark side.

Chow and Russ
Cody and Marco
Becky and Ryan
Gina and Cody
Heidi and William
Heather and Bryce
Hilary and Cory
Kim and Clay
Jana and Dave
Jen and John
Jessica and Reece
Megan and Claudy
Randi and Chad
Sarah and Dave
Shannon and John
Sharyl and Sonny
Stephanie and Patrick
Stacey and Spencer

If I have forgotten to put your name on this sacred list, forgive me. Let me know and I will add it.

My prediction is that by the time I'm pregnant, half of these people will be pregnant or have a child. This will be fun to look back at :o)

The Flashback

I came across a blog post I wrote years ago, not long after I got married. It was titled "What's wrong with women these days?"(I say "was" because in a recent rampage I must have deleted every post I had made). I went on and on about how crazy I thought people were for getting married and having kids right after being so young. My friends... Lots of them, were having kids! I said how I wanted to at least finish school first, have a degree or two. Have a house, have traveled with my husband, be successful in my career. I know... Sounds selfish right? Well, I still stand behind most of what I said. It is still weird knowing that most of my friends have children and/or are pregnant, but part of me (a very small one) can relate.

I have my house, I'm established in my career, have four years of marriage under my belt, and practice with a puppy. I'm still only 22 though (23 in January), and most of my friends in my new town think I'm crazy every time I even mention the "B" word.

Right now I'm thinking my plan is to have a kid by 2010, or in 1 year and 10 months to be exact. In that time I'm hoping my husband will complete school and I'll have some healthy habits established and be ready for the plunge. Of course plans do change, and I'll be sure to note my monthly change of mind.

I was planning on applying to graduate school this year but this book called "How to study for the GRE" scared me away. That's still something I'm wanting to go for, and I'm hoping it can be done with spawn.

And lastly... The car. "Lexus before little ones" or "Beemers before babies" were little sayings I made up to keep me focused on my goals. Oh you'd better believe I'm still getting my car... Just maybe not until my next promotion.
But instead of this sporty version I'm thinking of something a little more family friendly