In Need of a Date Night... I Think

A husband? What's that?

I catch myself asking that question from time to time over the last few months. I know what a baby's daddy is. I have one of those--Actually, I'm quite convinced I have the best one. But between work, and my daughter, sometimes it's hard to remember I have a husband who needs attention too.

Being back at work seems to be getting a little bit harder every day. I do have my good days, where time flies and it's time to see my baby again, but overall it's really hard to be away from my daughter so many hours every week.

The positive is she has a great daddy at home who manages to go to school, work on my days off, take care of our daughter, and take better care of the house than I ever did. How he does it, I have no clue. But I'm grateful.

When I come home from work my daughter is happy to see me but her eyes never light up as much as they do when she looks at her daddy. Why that is, I have no idea, but she thinks he's really funny. Even when he's just standing there.

Both of us have put the needs of our daughter before our own but I'm torn because I feel like we need US time too.

What's a husband? I have one, but I don't always act like I do. No, I'm not talking about flirting with other men--Who has time to cheat?!--What I'm saying is we don't spend much time alone. And, we haven't been on a date just the two of us since our daughter was born--three and a half months ago! We've each been out and had alone time, and we've gone out as the three of us, but it hasn't been just the two of us (besides one trip to Costco, which I don't count).

What's worse is I don't really feel that bad about it.

I don't miss it being the two of us, or miss having quiet time alone. But I feel like I should. Like maybe it would be healthy for us to get out alone, to nourish our marriage.

Confession: I always told myself when we had kids we'd go on a date at least once a month. Heck, I didn't think it was a stretch to have dinner together once a week. Now I laugh at that thought.

When Lil' J is in bed and we have time to catch up, we interrupt ourselves constantly asking "is she crying?" (we still need to invest in a baby monitor).

And remember that letter I wrote? Yea, still a problem.

I don't think our relationship is suffering from living this way, but I can't help but wonder if it's one of those things that could build up and form something bad. A big fat tumor on our marriage. I don't want to give our marriage cancer, and if a date every once in awhile is the antibody, I'm all for it.

How long did it take for you to go on a date sans baby after birth?

5 Years Down, an Eternity to Go

Exactly five and a half years ago I met the love of my life. I didn't know it then, but he was my future husband.

-June 2004: First date, and first time we met. I thought he was a hottie but had big eyes and was a little shy.

-2 dates later: First kiss, he's not so shy after all, I can't believe I let him kiss me.

-A week after that: We said "I love you."

-A couple days following: We talked about marriage planned it to be 2 years from then.

-Two months later: He goes away to college 3 and a half hours away. We are sad, but see eachother every weekend.

-A month later: We realized long distance SUCKS and decide to move up the wedding to that year.

-October 2004: We get engaged.

-December 2004: We're married exactly 6 months from the day we met.

Things I remember about my wedding day

I remember waking up at an absurd hour because we had to be at the temple about 5 hours early

I remember being tired from staying up late writing in my journal the night before.

I remember taking a shower and thinking I'd better get extra clean.

I remember wondering what our wedding ceremony would be like.

I remember NOT wanting to drive my car up to Salt Lake cause I had just been in an accident and the hood was bent.

I remember seeing my soon-to-be husband right before we walked in our sealing room and thinking "I love you."

I remember not saying "Yes/I do" when I was suppose to, and people thinking I was bailing out.

I remember shaking a little as we exchanged rings.

I remember being so happy walking hand and hand outside of the temple right after we were sealed, and thinking my husband was the most gorgeous man on Earth.

I remember snow on the ground and people shivering, but it was the one day I didn't complain about the cold, I wanted good pictures.

I remember driving back from the temple and thinking "wow, we're married"

I remember my dad being the first person to use the term "your husband" and being weirded out.

I remember downing about three cans of redbull before and during our reception to stay awake.

I remember wondering why we had to stand in a line.

I remember my wedding day being the best day to date, and the first day of the rest of my life.

Like we planned, 5 years later we're expecting our first baby, which is due to be born exactly six years (and two days) from the day we met. Boy we've come a long way!

Since getting married

-We went on a cruise to Mexico for our honeymoon.

-We were poor, our dining-room set was a cardboard box and two camping fold-out chairs we got as a wedding present.

-We arranged our schedules so we took four classes together.

-We got a new (to us) Kitchen set from my husband's grandparents.

-We moved 7 times

-We cleaned toilets together as early morning (4am) custodians and fought over the iPod.

-We bought our first home.

-We spent two summers apart for work.

-We adopted Snoop.

-We moved again.

-We went on a cruise to the Caribbean.

-We started, switched and started new careers.

-We created Spawnie.

-We stayed madly in love with each other.

He's been the most supportive, most forgiving, most loving husband in the world. He's my best friend, a great husband, and he's going to be a wonderful daddy.

I love you baby, and can't wait to see what the next 5(,000,000) years hold!

The Wheel: Balancing Marriage Before and After Baby

Sadly, children is one of the top five reasons couples get divorced. Not having children I'm not exactly sure why that is, but that statistic sorta frightens me.

When I was on my trip with The Blogrollers in Chicago I met a lot of women who had been married longer than I had. One thing I took the time to ask them was how they made their marriage work.

Most women were at a loss for words when it came to describing the technique. From what I hear, once you have kids it can make time together more difficult and stressful. Most of the women I talked to said it was a struggle getting their husbands to help out around the house.

Luckily for me, that's not a problem with us... Yet. To be honest, I'm the one getting begged and pleaded with to help. It's actually been that way the entire time we've been married. I've done the laundry maybe a handful of times, and the dishes... I think three times. So seeing we're an odd couple when it comes to that it has me wondering what our battles will be when a baby comes into the picture.

I think it'll be waking up at night... As we both love to sleep. When we first got Snoop I was the one who got up in the middle of the night to let him go to the bathroom. Now though, my husband is the one that remembers to walk (and feed) him every day.

Thinking about all of this and after reading my friend's Newly Identified blog post about marriage, it made me think about what makes OUR marriage work now.

One of the biggest, most obvious things is communication. We try not to go to bed angry, but sometimes that's not always possible. But when we wake up the next day usually we've cooled off enough to talk about whatever the problem is. Sometimes communication means tears (on my part) but at least it's getting it all out there. Neither of us are too proud to say "I'm sorry," and I can't think of any problem or disagreement we haven't been able to handle.

Sure, there are things that bug the HECK out of me, but I've learned to adjust to them, and not let it get to me. I think that's important--Accepting who they are, and remembering why you fell in love and got married. Sometimes that thing you loved about them changes, but that's ok. I think you've gotta be willing to grow and change together.

But most of all... The advice I think works best in any relationship, is advice I shared in a small hotel room in Chicago with five other wonderful women. The opportunity to share it came up when one of the women said sometimes it's hard to continue to get closer together as you grow older, because you change and sometimes grow apart. In answer to that I shared the advice I was given before we got married and I've promised to never forget.

My future-husband at the time, and I were described as spokes on a wheel. Sometimes we'd be far apart on this wheel and sometimes we'd be close together. But what will be sure to pull us closer together more than anything else is what's in the center of that post... The center being Christ.

He told us if we both work toward getting closer to Christ we'd also be getting closer to each other at the same time.

I'm not sure exactly how having a child will change our marriage. There are the obvious things like sleep and time, but I wonder what kind of toll it will take on us. I love spending time with my husband now, and sometimes that already can be short. How will I continue to make alone time for us?

Last night after a long day we went babysitting. We were both already tired and a little cranky, but our little friend was wide awake and ready to play. Not long after we got there, we were both getting tired. We took turns playing with him while the other rested our eyes.

During my his, my husband was playing with J, but he was being SO loud! I mean, WAY louder than the laughing baby. I shhhed him, and he told me that is what it was going to be like after we have a baby.

His words made me think... Seeing he'll be a fun and entertaining dad is encouraging, but obnoxiously loud? Hmmm. I hope our love for the Lord can keep us from driving each other crazy after kids!

I've heard children can bring you closer together but I've also heard they can drive you further apart. What do you do to keep your marriage going strong? Those with children--How do you make it so your children bring you closer together? What are the major changes in your relationship after having kids? I'd LOVE your input!

The Spontaneous Decision

I'm normally a homebody. So when I heard that Schlitterbahn aka "The World's Best Water park" was having a media day, so me and my husband could go for free, it sounded fun, but a little bit of a hassle.

I had woken up at 3am yesterday to get ready for work. Normally I'm the evening anchor on weekends, but since the morning anchor was out of town, we switched shifts this weekend. Friday afternoon one of my friends told me she and her husband were going to the water park Saturday afternoon and that we should come too. "Yea, yea" was kind of my thought, I wasn't planning on going after an eight-hour work shift that started in the wee hours of the morning.

Saturday rolled around and though I was having a rough morning the thought of having fun after work was seeming more and more appealing. I told me husband about media day and he, like me was slightly intrigued, but the idea of lounging around the house watching movies always seems like a fun option to both of us too. My hair is also something to consider as once it gets wet it's a fro and I'll have to schedule a hair appointment shortly after so I can wear it straight to work etc. etc.

Then, somewhere between 11 and noon I felt a spark of energy and had a change in emotions. You know what? How often after having kids will I get the chance to just up and decide I want to go do something alone with my husband all afternoon? Sure-- It'll be fun to do as a family, but it'll be more expensive, and way more of a hassle. "We're going" I thought.

I called, got us on the VIP list and told hubby I wanted to go. He heard the excitement and finality in my voice and was totally with me.

It was cold rainy for part of the day but we didn't care, it was fun and it was free. We met up with my friends and visited most of the park. The lines were short and we were having a blast. I felt like a kid again as we raced off one slide and ran right back up the stairs to go down another. We ate pizza and funnel cake and went on so many rides. In fact, we stayed until the park closed at 8am.

I was feeling the pain this morning before work, once again at 3am, but I'm smiling and knowing it was worth it. It's nice to get out of our shells every once in awhile and do something sporadic... Especially since once our two becomes three, we probably won't be able to do things like that for awhile.

We saw cute families there with small kids but we know it's not the same. It won't ever be the same--Not necessarily a bad thing but something to remember as we enjoy the now.

We only took the one picture. Yep, the trip was so spontaneous I didn't even take lots of pictures... Sad, but I did get this one to remember the fun time!

The Babymoon

We've all heard of a honeymoon, but what about a babymoon? Nowadays, people do it while they're pregnant, before the baby is born as a "last hurrah" before parenthood The couple will go out when the mom-to-be is in her second trimester or so, and get couple massages, eat good food, and just have a romantic getaway (according to my Google results). OR (as my well educated already mother blog friends have informed me) The time after the baby is born and there's bonding. Family is there everyone's all lovey dovey and giving the new parents time to sleep, etc. I'll eventually probably do those things too--But I'm gonna invent my own type of "babymoon" for now-- A "baby-makin'moon" (and it's self explanatory).

I'm down for anything that gives me an excuse to go on a trip! Oh yea, I'm down with that. What better excuse to go on a vacation and get it on? But Now my question is "where to?"

Originally I had it all planned out... I wanted to start baby makin' on my 5th anniversary on a cruise to the Caribbean. Well, I don't really like to do the same thing more than once, and not that I'm complaining but we just went on a Caribbean cruise so I'm looking for something different, and our 5th anniversary is in December and we may celebrate this a little earlier than that. If I went on a Disney Cruise I think I'd be ok with that, but I doubt I'll be able to convince my man to do that before we have a little one.

Right now I'm thinking either bed and breakfast in the mountains, a cabin in the mountains, a Jamaican cruise for Jamacin'a-baby as my friend @Kimba told me, or some other beachy place. I'm thinking the less activities and people the better. No kids (as not to scare us out of it), so that's making me think not a cruise, but it's not completely out of the picture. And possibly someplace cold so we'll want to stay inside *wink wink nudge nudge*

I know there's probably a good chance the deed won't be said and done after the BabyMakin'Moon but it would be a fun way to start the baby makin' machine, no? And what a great way to celebrate the start of a new stage of life. It'll be memorable, that's for sure. Did you do one? What did you/ would you have done? Suggestions?

I'm actually so set on this now that I don't even want to try make a baby for real until I'm on this stinkin' babymakinmoon! Don't you love these excuses for fun things? First it was Push Presents and now Babymakinmoons, what's next?!

The Biracial Children--My Worries

My children will be biracial. They'll have me-Their black mother and my husband-Their white father.

In this day and age I like to think that won't be as big of an issue as it was in years past but every now and then I wonder.

I grew up in the South. In my ward none of the young men asked me out. Older women told me it was because they were intimidated. "You're so beautiful," they'd tell me. But deep down I knew the real reason why.

At stake dances I usually did all of the asking. I never thought much of it since I was the one with the outgoing personality, but looking back something was... Off.

I remember one guy named Doug. One of my best friends dated him on and off for a few months. He wore a confederate flag ring on one of his fingers. He also frequently wore T-shirts with confederate flags printed on them... As if he wanted to scream to the world he was a racist.

He liked me... As in I was his girlfriend's best friend so he would put up with me, talk to me and occasionally dance with me probably just to make her happy. "Black people are 'this or that,'" he'd say. "But you're different."

What do you mean I'm different? I don't talk with an accent or wear saggy jeans? Hello, that's called a stereotype not a formula for an entire race.

I had a crush on one guy in my high school for years. We were very close friends. I set him up with numerous dates with my other friends and we could tell each other anything. He wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to be his girlfriend. But one day after school he told me why that wasn't possible. "Because you're black," he told me point blank.

This isn't meant to be an "Oooh poor me" post because as I grew up through the years I interacted with and dated all types of men. I found "the one" for me, and he happens to be white.

My husband and I share the exact same beliefs as far as racial issues apparent today. He doesn't pretend to understand what I've gone through but he knows it's out there. Neither of us can stand racism and we've learned to stand together as a team and defend our relationship when necessary. We share the same religious beliefs, cultural beliefs and most importantly... Music taste.

The LDS church does have a dirty history when it comes to Blacks. I don't understand all of it and I'm not going to go into all of it. All we know is that if we were able to get married in an LDS temple and receive those blessings than our relationship--Our marriage IS ok.

I think know some people in the LDS church teach that dating outside of your race is "not recommended." No lie, it's in the manual of the "LDS Marriage and Family Class." (I think we should all ban together to get that taken out but that's another story.) I know people who have been so upset about this they've doubted, even left the church. Obviously my husband and I didn't care about that lesson because we're married today. I however, do worry for my children. We won't teach our children that "recommendation". Not only would that be hypocritical, in my opinion that would be WRONG.

Besides, if that were how it were supposed to be who is an interracial child to date? Only interracial people?

I worry especially that my daughters will face the same challenges I faced growing up, but won't deal with it as I did. I was able to brush it off my shoulder while other Black women hold a grudge, or get very upset. I can't completely put myself in their boat because I did meet my husband while attending a "Mormon college", and married him six months later. I didn't know it then, but I was an EXTREME minority.

I worry my sons will have a hard time finding women to date because their parents don't want their daughter child "dating a black boy."

I hope as my children grow up they meet other children who are taught to have friends of all races, and date people of all nationalities. Besides, religion, career, personality... Those are all things you can choose. You're born your race.

I don't want my children to grow up wishing they looked "more like daddy" or like their white friends. I want them to be proud of who they are, and proud to be brown. Most of all, I hope others around us are accepting and open minded enough to see people for more than just the color of their skin.

I know a lot of people who have adopted children out of their race... Adopted black children. (I can make that a whole new topic) but I'm curious to know your opinions on the matter, regardless of your child's skin color. Would you care if your child dated outside of your race? Your religion?

My beliefs on Blacks in the LDS Scriptures.