Work/Home Balance--Is There Such a Thing?

I've officially been at work, away from my daughter longer than I was at home with her during my maternity leave. I'd be lying if I were to say it's gotten much easier.

Every morning when I have to kiss her goodbye, it's still ridiculously hard. It breaks my heart even more now when she knows I'm grabbing my purse--not our diaper bag--and I'm leaving without her.

I try my best now to leave when she's distracted or still sleeping; because when she's awake and aware she'll hold her arms out for me and cry.

Daily I'm submerged in feelings of guilt for not being there for her, and paranoia about missing a first. Missing her crawl for the first time, the first time she says "mama" or just being there for her daily developments.

I can't say how grateful I am though for the fact that she's with the best caregiver in the world. Seeing her with her dad, and how close they've gotten makes my heart melt. When I come home she practically jumps into my arms and is all smiles. She's so happy when we're all home and close together and it makes me so grateful she has two parents who love each other and love her. Sadly, that's not the case for everyone. But I'm still a little jealous of that bond I see they have, and of the time he gets with her.

On my day off this week, Little J and I went out for yoga, then we went to lunch and shopping with a friend. She was by my side or in her carrier that entire day and I had the most amazing time. I would be standing in an isle at a craft store and notice her look up at me from her wrap and smile. I'd lean over to kiss her nose and she'd laugh. The simplest moment made me want to stop time and stay right there with her forever. I wished I could I had more moments like these. Like I was missing moments like these every day I leave her for the grind.

We started the daycare search this week and it's been exhausting. It's so hard looking for someone to care for my daughter aside from my husband and I, and trusting them with her. Luckily, we won't need to enroll her for another six or seven months, which by then I think she'll be ready to learn and ready for interaction with other kids her age, but it's still so hard.

Right now I can call home and video chat with her via iPhone. At first she didn't know what to think of it, and she'd grab my husband's phone, reaching for me, then she'd start crying when she realized I couldn't pick her up. Now she'll usually smile and talk to me for a little bit, still try to grab the phone, but I think she's realized iPhones don't have arms. This is just one of the experiences I'll miss once she starts daycare. That, and visiting home during my lunch break with a ready-made lunch and grinning baby ready to play.

I started my search by asking a friend I work with her recommendations. She recently did a series on childcare and had some great links to share with me about searching for accredited programs. I started there.

I found one that is close to my job--less than a mile away--and scheduled a tour. When I walked in worked to hold back tears. It's wasn't the facility or what I saw that made me feel bad but the thought of her being in daycare.

I looked in the infant room even though she will be over a year once she starts, but paid most attention to the sunbeam room, for 12-18 month olds since that's where she'd be. They had a glider chair for nursing moms who want to drop in and feed their baby. That made me feel good, even though I'm not sure I'll nurse her past a year. They also allow cloth diapers, which is a big plus, and the biggest positive is how close it is to my job. But the room was so small. Like insanely small. I worked in daycare for years and was worked in rooms four times as big for half as many one-year-olds. That was a huge setback, and almost enough for me to cross them off my list.

I have started looking for other schools but I'm trying not to let the glitz and glam overshadow the accreditation which is really one of my top priorities right now. That and proximity. But there's a huge shortage of them between my house and my job, and because of this, ones that are close--at least the good ones--are extremely expensive.

I'm hoping to just enroll her part time since I work Wednesday through Sunday, I'll still have Mondays and Tuesdays off to spend with her, and her dad will still be with her on the weekends for the most part. Our situation could be so much worse but sometimes I wish I could see what it's like in another's shoes.

Even after my husband begins his new job, I can't imagine leaving mine. I'm not used to not working, not bringing in some kind of income, and feeling like I can support myself if need be. But oh it would be so nice to spend afternoons at play dates, and weekends at birthday parties. It would be nice to feel like a full time mom, submerge myself into cooking literature, sewing her dresses, making her bows, and perfect a new, domesticated me. But then I'd feel guilty every time I bought something. And fun outings I like to do now on my days off would be limited to free things--Yoga would be out. And everything that makes me ME as I know myself would be different. Everything I've worked toward almost my entire life would be put on hold indefinitely to pursue a much less lucrative, but more rewarding full-time career.

I love my job, love my career, what I do every day, and I'm happier than I've even been at work, but my heart and passion gets left at home with my little girl.

It's hard finding a balance. I'm not sure I ever will.

Mommy and Me Yoga

Sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my mojo.

I used to be the girl who wanted more than anything, to be extremely successful in my career. Now more than anything I want to schedule play dates and plan little activities for Lil' J and myself.

Instead of scheduling after work meetings I'm scouring for emerging teeth. Instead of shopping for suits I'm on the hunt for the coolest new infant toy. 

I think it's important to have something as an escape. Especially being a woman, and a mom, and having so many duties to fulfill.

Funny enough, my ideal "getaways" tend to include my daughter instead of exclude her. What can I say, she's kinda a cool kid. Plus I already feel guilty for missing so much when I'm away from her at work.

I distinctly remember my mom waking up early to exercise when I was younger. My sister and I would put on our bathing suits (because they were our version of workout clothes, hello!) and exercise to a Mickey Mouse workout show while our mom walked on the treadmill.

I think that was my inspiration for wanting to experience something similar with my daughter.

When I was on maternity leave I researched things I could do with my baby. Lil' J loves to get out of the house. Having gone on seven flights in her first eight weeks of life, she was used to getting out, and I think she still craves it now because of that.

I don't really like being confined to my house for more than a couple of days either so I made a list of things in my community that we could go and do together. One of the things I didn't get to do during maternity leave was postnatal yoga. You bring your baby to class with you and exercise with them.

I was bummed we didn't get to do it during my leave, but luckily there's a class Tuesday mornings, on my day off, so we can still go.

We were running late our first week, but made it in time for introductions. Lil' J was the only baby with a bow and leg warmers--We were a little overdressed. But we still fit in. I think.

I was amazed at how full the class was. There was a mom with twins, and 15 other moms in the class!

Our yoga class on Halloween week

The first good half hour is dedicated to exercises just for mom, and your baby is below you watching you on their blanket. The second half is doing singing and exercises using them, then the last twenty minutes or so is for baby yoga, where you do stretches for them, and where you do a restoration walk, and pose with them.

There's some time to socialize at the beginning, middle, and end of class. I at first sometimes felt a twinge of jealousy while the stay at home moms planned a play group meet up during the time I'd be at work. But who knows, maybe one day I'll be able to join in.

I loved it so much my first week I bought an 8 week pass that same day. I'm surprised at how much of a workout I get, and how much of a bonding experience it is for my daughter and I. It's makes me a little sad at the same time though, because I doubt I'll get this experience with baby number two. ... Which isn't on the way, or anything, but you know how I plan ahead.

The place we go for yoga has a special class for moms with their new babies, then a class for moms with crawlers, and one with toddlers. If we can budget for it I hope to keep going. It's $17 a class, which is kinda steep, especially since we go once a week. But with the pass it goes down to about $13 a class. Which is still a lot when you consider my husband's gym pass is something like $25 a month. I tell myself I deserve it though, and take joy in the splurge.

So here I am. Gone are the days of using my Carmen Electric Striptease Workout DVDs, and welcome to the days of mommy & me fitness.

I'm not sure if my mojo is going, or coming. Or maybe it's just transforming. Either way, I think I like the way it's moving.

If you have a baby I'd highly recommend looking into postnatal or mommy and me yoga it's SO FUN! So fun in fact, that I just bought a mommy and me workout DVD called Infantastic Baby Reps, and I love it too! I also rented Infantastic's Dance Baby Dance from the library after reading the glowing reviews! It was $25 so I passed on buying it at the time.

I want to share my postnatal workout with you so I'm going to send an Infantastic Baby Reps DVD to a blog follower who comments on this post before next Thursday night! You've gotta be a follower cause I'm buying is for you! Somewhere with your comment, just let me know you'd like to be entered!

Women Are the Shiznit

Shiznit:
adj. 1) the best; 2) the greatest, in a certain category or universally.
"Women are the Shiznit."

I don't know how women do it, yet I'm one of them. I keep thinking I've gotta be the busiest mom alive but then I look around and realize a third of the women I work with are moms. Some of them have more than one child. Sometimes I still wonder if they are as busy as I am but I can't flatter myself, I'm sure they have it just as bad.

After putting in 9-10 hours at work, including a couple pumping breaks, coming home, gladly taking my daughter out of my husband's hands to give him a break and let him do the things he wants to do. I feed her a gazillion times, play with her, pet the dog, put her to bed, and give my husband attention (and doing this all on a minimum amount of sleep, mind you, because someone (I'm not going to mention any names) is waking up more in the middle of the night again) there's no time left for me. None. And I don't even cook! I do do some laundry now since we're cloth diapering, but everything else? It's forgotten.

My house is a disaster--Not that I really care. My husband does manage to straighten up from time to time (ok, more than I do, I'll admit!). But I'm just saying, if I added in all of the extra things I want to do that aren't really fun, like cooking a home made family meal a few times a week, and cleaning, I really wouldn't have time for things I really like to do like shopping, blogging, or making some hair bows for my daughter, or a new leash set for my poor neglected dog, or this thing called sleep.

On my day off I try my best not to ask my husband to do things for our daughter because I know he does it all week, and I've missed her, so I want to spend time with her. But at the end of the day, when she's finally in bed, I'm actually getting a chance to open my laptop, reply to emails, and fulfill my side jobs, but I get a guilt trip for staying up late alone. Plus, during these late night internet escapades, I'm sacrificing precious sleep to have a few moments to do this... Blog. A hobby I feel slipping away--Drowning underneath the tide of my busy schedule.

Alas, here I am. Writing away. Complaining. So no more of that.

But really, I'm just pondering about my life, and the business of it all. It's kind of funny. Especially when I consider much of my business at home consist of imprinting my butt cheeks into the sofa while I feed my daughter. I've tried multitasking, but after a scare with a hot glue gun and sticky baby hair, I decided it's best if I confine the multitasking while nursing to my iPhone.

I'm used to being able to do it all. Balance a gazillion things at one time. Run from one obligation to another, and collapse at the end of the day. Now, I'm passing opportunities I normally would give my right arm for, because I really and truly don't have time. I don't like saying no, but it's a word I'd had to add to my vocabulary.

I used to think if I was a superhero I'd want the ability to read minds. Now I think if I was a superhero I'd want the ability to live without sleep. How cool would that be? I'd have eight whole hours to myself (minus middle of the night feedings). I wouldn't have to feel guilty because everyone would be asleep and I could just get things done.

There'd be 3am trips to Wally World, late night vacuuming, and menu planning. Probably another job somewhere in the mix. Ah. If only I had super powers.

But really, us women. We are superheros. I don't see men doing all of the things we do. And when they attempt to do half of it they whine the whole time.

My husband? He gets a break when I'm off work. Me? I get a break at 1am. Or in this case, 10pm cause they're both already in bed.

I don't need a cape and tights to prove I'm the shiz. It's written on all over my face.

PS: Thank you SO MUCH for your encouraging words on my last post! Hubby and I are in dire need of a date... I think but no need in beating myself up about it! We went out with baby today but hopefully in the next week or so it'll be sans Lil' J.

The Return to Work

Exhausting. That's the best word I can use to describe my first day back at work.

I woke up extra early so I'd have time to pump before leaving. And since I had been used to sleeping in until 9 most of my maternity leave, this wasn't the easiest adjustment.

I was hoping my daughter would stay asleep but in the middle of the night, after she ate I kept her cuddling with me. So shortly after I got up, she woke up.

Normally I'd nurse her back to sleep but I guess she knew I wasn't going back to sleep either, so she wanted to stay up and play. I had my husband help with her so I could get ready. I hooked up my pump and PumpEase so I could do my makeup while I prepared some milk for the next day.

When I was done I had pumped five and a half ounces from one side (Lil' J ate from the other earlier and I was thinking I'd nurse he again before I left).

I cleaned my pump, got dressed and was ready to leave. This was the part I was dreading.

I had put her in her swing so I could finish getting ready and to my surprise she had fallen asleep. One of my friends told me this was the best way to leave. I knew this was true because had she been laughing and cooing or crying I would have bawled my entire way to work.

Instead I slightly stroked her cheek, shed one tear and kissed my husband goodbye.

On my drive to work I blared the music for two reasons. For one, I wanted to drown out my thoughts and two, I couldn't really do that with her in the back seat. It was weird not focusing on the baby mirror behind me and consoling my daughter who hates riding in the car.

When I got to work I was greeted with warm welcomes and lots of questions. Of course I had half a dozen pictures printed off to place on my desk and showed them off to my colleagues.

When other mothers asked how I was doing I surprised myself when I realized I was doing fine. Then I felt another strange hint of emotion--was that guilt? How could I be doing so well away from my daughter when I love her so much?

I tried to brush it off and made my way to the morning meeting. I didn't miss those.

I hurried out to my first interview. I was working on my segment to help find adopted families for foster children and I was introduced to a talkative and very intelligent 12-year-old.

The moment we met my mind focused on him and making it a time he'd remember. We raced go-carts and played a dozen games of ski ball before the park even opened to the public.

I was immersed in my job with no time to think about missing my daughter. But when the shoot was finished and I was invited to eat lunch with them, I politely declined so I could go home and see my baby.

It had been about five hours since I had last pumped so I was feeling a little engorged.

When I got home my husband had pizza coming out of the oven and Lil' J's smile when she saw me just melted my heart.

I had called my husband on my way home, so instead of warming another bottle for her, he let her wait to nurse. And boy was she ready. She likes to eat but there must be something different about it coming straight from the source because she didn't want to let go. I loved having her snuggled in my arms and watching her stare and smile at me as she ate as if she were saying "I missed you mommy." I enjoyed it so much, I forgot to eat. My husband packed the pizza up for me to take with me back to work.

I was surprised at how he was doing. I hate to admit it but he was showing me up. I can't remember if I had ever had a meal ready for him when he came home from work. Usually I was asking him to pick something up.

This time when I went back to work it was a little harder. My daughter was laughing and smiling when I left and I love being around her when she's in such a good mood.

After my break the day took a bad turn. I had my second interview for another story, but on the way back we were rear ended.

Neither I or my photographer were hurt, but instead of staying ahead of schedule, that and all the paperwork that comes with car accidents, set us back hours.

It did however, give me some time to catch up with my boss who praised me for breastfeeding and asked me about how I'm enjoying motherhood.

Three hours later it was finally time to head back to the station, but it was time to go home when I got there. Luckily the story I'm working on doesn't air until Sunday, but I still wanted to get something going before I left. So I took my laptop, and camera into the makeup room where there were two other breast pumps lined up next to mine.

It had been another five hours since I had last fed my daughter so while I was trying to get everything set up, things got a bit messy. Apparently my body responds really well to seeing the pump, almost as well as when my daughter cries. I felt something wet on my leg and realized I was squirting from both sides. I hurried and hooked the pump up so more precious milk wouldn’t be lost on the make up room floor (don't worry, I cleaned it up. Wouldn't want anyone to slip!).

I had no problem pumping hands free and working at the same time. The most time consuming part, I'm finding is cleaning all of the parts after pumping. At home I leave the pieces out to air-dry but I'm obviously not going to so that at work. So washing and drying all the pieces took some time.

I got another nine ounces to bring home and was more than ready to go home to my daughter.

For a moment I thought I'd bring my laptop home but I decided not to. Keep work at work. I thought.

My husband had dinner in the oven and Lil' J was happy to be back in my arms. I didn't want to set her down and she didn't want to let go.

My husband was able to workout and study while we reconnected and I was in awe of our new system.

Unlike my routine, my husband left Lil' J in her PJs all day versus dressing her up, but I didn't mention it to him. Baby steps I thought.

It was nice to put makeup on again, actually doing my hair and wearing a suit. But my feet, which had grown accustomed to flip flops over the past twelve weeks didn't appreciate squeezing back into heels. So it was great putting my feet up and snuggling with my sloberpus that night.

We all turned in early around 10pm.

Today I'm anchoring the evening shift so my schedule will be a little different but I've had the whole morning to spend with my daughter.

Tonight she'll get to watch me on TV and come visit me at the station during my dinner break.

I'm so blessed to have my husband at home with my daughter and he's doing SO much better than I imagined.

I didn't believe people when they told me I'd appreciate the time with her more, I didn't think it would be possible to appreciate it more, but I really do.

It's a lot more work now, and there's a lot of teamwork involved. I'm working hard and focusing on work when I'm away, but the moment I get home I take my daughter and don't set her down.

My husband can take that opportunity to do things he enjoys doing but it's pretty much non-stop work for the both of us.

My husband and I may be doing things a little backwards compared to most families but I'm optimistic it'll work for us.

I'm surprised how I am able to jump back into work almost without skipping a beat. I think part of that thanks to having a job I love.

I try not to wonder what I'm missing when I'm away. And I made my husband take an oath to act surprised by any new developments I may miss, as if I'm seeing the firsts right along with him.

I'm not sure how long I'll be a working mother, but for now, I confess: It's not as bad as I had feared.

Everyone who comments on this post is entered to win a CoddleLife Bottle. I'll pick a winner using Random.org on September 28th.

***

Swimtown Pools Winner: #33 Domestica
PumpEase Winner: #130 Lindsey

The End of Maternity Leave

My maternity leave is coming to a close, and in the morning my stint as a stay at home mother will be over. I'll begin my new role as a full time working mom.

As the night lingers on I begin to wonder about sleep deprivation. It's no big deal when I'm at home and napping through the day, but when I'm operating heavy machinery, conducting interviews and anchoring the news to thousands of people, there's slightly more pressure to ummm--Function.

Instead I'm picturing periodic meltdowns and tear streaks across my makeup.

It's almost hilarious when I think back to before having her, when I was worried about a project I wanted to work on, and debated going back early to pursue it. After she was born and here for a few weeks I could have cared less about it. I was taking the full 12 weeks, there was no mistake about that.

I've packed my bags. My pump, and PumpEase are in the bag. My laptop and blackberry are charged. Fresh milk is in the fridge, my suits are at the cleaners and my schedule is mapped out for my first week back. It's like preparing for the first day of school--Except not as fun.

My daughter and I went shopping today, but this time for me. It was a much-needed dose of retail therapy to get me excited about going back. New clothes to go with my new, fuller, motherly figure.

I held her longer today and kissed her an extra thousand times. I inhaled the smell of her hair and tickled her tiny toes.

I hope I can do this.

I know I can do this. But it won't be easy.

I'm trying to count my blessings. It could be so much worse. I'm grateful have a job. Grateful I had twelve weeks to spend with her--Even if half of that time was unpaid. And best of all my daughter will be in the best hands next to my own--Her daddy's. Granted, there was a time I contemplated whether that was a fact, or if a daycare worker or nanny had more experience with tending small babies. But regardless of his learning curve, no one would love her more.

Everything's packed and ready to go. But this time when I drive to work, I'll be leaving behind my heart.

If you've been where I'm going and have words of advice I'd love to hear it!

***

Winner of the $75 CSN Giveaway: #222 Mama b. Congrats! I'll email you soon and you'll have 48 hours to respond!

2012

Three weeks ago I didn't understand why moms would say it's hard to go to the bathroom or take a shower in peace once you have a child. I didn't understand how nursing can be so much easier than feeding my child formula.

A year ago I had changed hundreds of other people's babies' diapers, but it wasn't until these past few weeks that I got to experience changing a diaper in the pitch black middle of the night while half asleep.
Three weeks ago I was jaded, thinking I'd be completely different from other moms I had witnessed, and "in control" of my emotions. As prepared as I thought I was, I'm learning my perception on how things would be was way off.

Three weeks ago I had never looked into the eyes of my child and had no idea what it felt like to love someone this much. I wasn't prepared for that kind of attachment. The way I love my husband is different, this is a love I can't control, it consumes me.

About a year ago I wrote about my impression of stay at home moms, and asked what it was like. "The hardest job in the world," people told me. What was so hard about it?

This week I applied my makeup and straightened my hair with one arm, while nursing my daughter in the other. I dropped everything I was working on to mend her cries. I toted her into the bathroom with me while I took a shower so she wouldn't have to cry alone in her bed, and so the sound of the water running would soothe her. I had no problem shutting babies I babysat outside the bathroom door and letting them cry for a few moments while I used the restroom, but three weeks ago I learned I couldn't bare to do that to my own child.--Fearing she'd feel like I'm abandoning her by not immediately tending to her needs.

She cries when we're in the car for too long, and it's the worst feeling in the world not being able to help her.

To me, the duties of feeding, watching, cleaning and holding my child aren't what's hard about being a mother. What makes the job more difficult than anything I've ever done is the undying love I can't tame.

Several months ago a woman told me I'd be begging to go back to work partway through my maternity leave--That work outside the home is so much easier. I know it's only been three weeks, but as of now I couldn't disagree more. My role as a mother won't end just because I'm outside of the home for 8-10 hours a day. I'll still wonder, worry, pump and love, then still attend to her needs when I get home.

A few days ago another woman told me my mind may change after I've been at home with my daughter for 6 months. Unfortunately I won't have the chance to know.

Six weeks partial pay--That's what I, and many women I know get for maternity leave. Plus an additional optional six weeks I've opted to take at the expense of forfeiting six weeks of any pay. I can't imagine going back to work in another three weeks.

Luckily, my husband will be home to watch and take care of her when I do finally go back to work full time, but right now I can't even bare to leave him alone with her--A fear I'll need to overcome soon.

I'm not going to argue whether working outside, inside, or solely as a mother at home is more or less difficult than any of the other. That's not what it's about. All I know is that for me, myself, my family and I, working inside the home would be a dream come true.

Having this new found love makes it nearly impossible to imagine leaving her daily for a job that feels insignificant compared to her. But in order to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads it's necessary for the time being.

I knew this when we chose to move forward with expanding our family now, rather than years from now. But I'm hoping to change that in the next couple of years.

I watched The Secret, and I know when you have a goal, one part of making it a reality is telling others, and "sending it out to the universe," so I'm doing that now!

By 2012 I want to be able to still do what I do best and work from home. I'm hoping, praying and wishing for it all to work out. It'll take a lot to make it a reality but if it's meant to be it'll be, and I can't help but feel like that's what I'm suppose to do.

***

Random.org winner of maid service: #74: Natalie from Our Old Southern House. Congrats! I'll email you the code!

Temporary Stay at Home Mom

I KNOW people say that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. I don't doubt that because of the severity of the job that's true. I mean... It's not often that a life if in your hands 24/7. Mental and emotional pressure put on ourselves has got to cause some major job anxiety. Granted, that comes in the job description of motherhood whether you're also working outside of the home on top of that or not.

At this stage of my life I won't have the chance to stay at home with my child for awhile, but I will have the chance to experience it for a few months, and let me tell you... I don't care what anyone says, I'm looking forward to that SO MUCH.

Sure, maybe there will be spurts of cabin fever and nights when I'm so incredibly exhausted, but I am very much looking forward to putting sacrifices like that in for someone I actually love.

Don't get me wrong, I like the people I work with currently, but I just imagine days where I'm at the office until 2am, or mornings where I'm called in at 4 (yes, it happens) are more worth it when it's for someone you're willing to do anything for.

Already after a long shift at work I am excited to rush home and greet my furry child as well as my husband. It's by far my favorite part of the day. We're lucky enough to work our schedules so we get the same days of together every now and then... No matter how strange the days. We don't need to do anything extraordinarily fun for entertainment. We're both totally happy with vegging together laughing over youtube videos or stories from work.

I look forward to letting the house go when I feel like it, and napping with my little mini me. I look forward to going for summer strolls around the neighborhood with her and our dog Snoop.

I look forward to family trips where people will be excited to meet and greet her, and I'll be proud to share her with the world.

I look forward to documenting her every tiny milestone... Even though I thought that was so silly before.

I look forward to diaper explosions and projectile vomit. I know, it's strange but I do. What better to blog about than that?

I look forward to afternoon picnics with our little family, and trips to the park. And if that doesn't happen very often so what! We'll have an indoor picnic with movies and quick snacks.

I especially looking forward to photographing EVERYTHING!

Some people have told me they looked forward to going back to work once their leave was over, and that work outside the house was so much easier. Many times I think this is coming from women who enjoy being challenged professionally and say being at home and not having adult stimulation all day is the hard part (let me add that I'm not saying you're NOT mentally stimulated if you're not working outside the home, people just tell me it can get challenging talking to a child all day. If I wasn't working outside the home I'd still find ways to have fun and interact with others.) ... But I'm not going to let that be my mentality during my leave.

Family really means so much to me, it's the top priority in my life. I never thought I'd want to or enjoy be a mom who stays at home, but like I've heard, everything changes once you see that baby... I feel like that already happened to me the moment I saw her on the ultrasound screen.

I'm going to enjoy every week, day, minute and second of being home with my little girl, no matter how difficult. Because I know how it is on the other side, and I know children grow so fast. Who care's what's harder? Working outside the home... Staying at home and working with your children... it's not a competition! I just want to look back at my time at home and know I didn't take it for granted.

The Show That May Change My Mind

Thanks Oprah, for ruining all of the happy feelings I have had towards motherhood. Was I the only person who watched yesterday? No, I don't think so. So let's chat.

When I heard about the show topic being on motherhood I got all excited. I know it was suppose to talk about "the bad" and "the ugly", but I assumed "the good" would be somewhere in there too. Mentally going back to my college days, I brought my laptop over to the TV, to take notes... (Oh yes I did)... During the show.

Parts of the show were really funny and interesting to me, I was able to add to the list of "the things they don't tell you," (I'll post about that later--they had a whole block dedicated to that question), but overall I was kind of left with a depressing feeling about motherhood... No joke...

The only positive experience I got out of the whole thing was from women communicating with me though Twitter. Some moms on the "happy" end of the spectrum gave me their opinions. Cristina aka Native Mamma told me "if motherhood wasn't worth the hassle NOBODY would have more then 1," that seemed so true to me! Why didn't they talk about that on Oprah?

Another mom on Twitter, Monique said "Don't let them get you down. I have 4 and they're worth every single gray hair and nervous breakdown. =)" I sure hope so!
What scared me was that the women on the show weren't saying it was worth it! One or two woman went as fas as saying "What did I get myself into?" and some even said sometimes they've felt like they've made a mistake becoming a mom! It reminded me of a study I saw reported about on Momlogic, that implied "kids [could]= unhappiness."

See.. That's the scary regret I'm talking about. I've never felt that way about anything so important to me in my life... And to think that that's "NORMAL" for some... or a lot of women terrifies me! No... I've never honestly thought my marriage was a mistake, how could these women say that about their children?

It seems to me the root of the problem (which they addressed at the very end) is the fact that TV shows make motherhood look easy... And happy-looking-neighbors, make motherhood/parenting look easy. And women who compare themselves to what they see on the outside think their feelings of overwhelmingness is something only they experience, and they feel bad for feeling that way.

I think the show was meant to show women who have those feelings that they're not alone. I get it, but I think it also scared the $#%* out of some women who were maybe thinking they might like to possibly become one someday, perhaps.

I'm not trying to make women who feel that way feel bad, I mean, my heart goes out to women who feel way, but it makes me wonder if motherhood is for everyone--If it's for me.

I was still pretty ticked about it this morning and wrote a blog post on Momlogic... A letter to Oprah. It's not quite as nice and open as this one, nonetheless it's how I'm feeling right now. Oh and here's one more depressing yet "honest" article that CNN even featured on the topic.

****

Oprah, I love you but you pissed me off

It's not you, it's the women you had on your show. What was that meant to do? Scare the living bejeezes out of future moms like myself who are contemplating motherhood? Maybe that wasn't the point. I guess the point was to uplift moms.. More specifically stay at home moms right? The ones who get all down because they compare themselves to other women who they think are all happy and perfect. When are they going to wake up?... Or don't they, until they are driven to the thoughts of "What did I get myself into?" and "I think I made a mistake."

Oprah, you're not a mom, and I'm not a mom but I think we both know it's hard. We have moms don't we? And if that's not testament enough I think we get the point after reading the bizzilionth blog post about how being a SAHM is SOOOOO hard. If it sucks so bad why have more than one?

I'm not trying to down play it at all ok? I don't think you are either, and that's why you invited these women on your show. But what do you think it says to women who want children but can't have any? Women who are so excited to have a child and are always running into women who are griping about being moms. Or women like me who are kind of on the fence about the whole topic?... Did one person on that show even say it was worth it?

The WAHM

I don't know many personally, but I feel like for me, this would be my ideal "mom situation"--If I could find a way to still do what I do professionally, but be at home for my children.

I'm not saying it would be easy, (let's not go down that road again) I'm sure it isn't, and I'm guessing the road to get there is going to be difficult as well. Especially being that I only have one talent... Writing. Well, if talking people's ear off is a talent then I'd say that's a trait I have too. Oh and listening... I think I'm a good listener, (but I'll let my husband be the judge).

For the past 5 or so years I've always done something relating to journalism, or writing. I've written for newspapers, local magazines, reported for several TV and radio stations, I love what I do. I've never really liked one particular area of journalism over another, I like it all. With TV, most of the time it's fast paced and exciting, but a lot of times you don't get to shape your story as much as you can with print, or even radio. All of them have deadlines... Which I love, but some are more flexible... Or longer than others.

Sometimes I love being on TV, sometimes I absolutely hate it. I love with print I can say so much more, but I love the intimacy of seeing the people in a TV story and hearing that characters voice.

The biggest plus I see with print is the fact that you can do it from home. You can call a source on the phone and get the interview you need. It's a big advantage, especially for someone who would want to work from home. If I keep doing what I do now I'd basically have to choose between working while being a mom, or putting the broadcast career on hold.

I'm no where near ready to retire from my love of broadcast news, but I'm craving more writing opportunities and the chance to work at my own pace, my own length. I have no idea how I'll do it, but I would hope that one day I could write from home, do stories for papers or magazines, and make my own schedule. Man, how that would be nice. It's not something that happens overnight, it would take a long time to build up and do what I need to do to make as much from home as I do at work full time... Not to mention the benefits I get from working for a corporation. But it's something I hope I can work toward, especially so I don't feel like I'm missing family milestones and special moments. It's a special desire I hope I can one day achieve.

Are you trying to be at home one way or another, or are you at home already? How do you do it? And how did you get there?

PS: To read more about what's turned into a "Mother Situation Series" click here.