The End of Maternity Leave

My maternity leave is coming to a close, and in the morning my stint as a stay at home mother will be over. I'll begin my new role as a full time working mom.

As the night lingers on I begin to wonder about sleep deprivation. It's no big deal when I'm at home and napping through the day, but when I'm operating heavy machinery, conducting interviews and anchoring the news to thousands of people, there's slightly more pressure to ummm--Function.

Instead I'm picturing periodic meltdowns and tear streaks across my makeup.

It's almost hilarious when I think back to before having her, when I was worried about a project I wanted to work on, and debated going back early to pursue it. After she was born and here for a few weeks I could have cared less about it. I was taking the full 12 weeks, there was no mistake about that.

I've packed my bags. My pump, and PumpEase are in the bag. My laptop and blackberry are charged. Fresh milk is in the fridge, my suits are at the cleaners and my schedule is mapped out for my first week back. It's like preparing for the first day of school--Except not as fun.

My daughter and I went shopping today, but this time for me. It was a much-needed dose of retail therapy to get me excited about going back. New clothes to go with my new, fuller, motherly figure.

I held her longer today and kissed her an extra thousand times. I inhaled the smell of her hair and tickled her tiny toes.

I hope I can do this.

I know I can do this. But it won't be easy.

I'm trying to count my blessings. It could be so much worse. I'm grateful have a job. Grateful I had twelve weeks to spend with her--Even if half of that time was unpaid. And best of all my daughter will be in the best hands next to my own--Her daddy's. Granted, there was a time I contemplated whether that was a fact, or if a daycare worker or nanny had more experience with tending small babies. But regardless of his learning curve, no one would love her more.

Everything's packed and ready to go. But this time when I drive to work, I'll be leaving behind my heart.

If you've been where I'm going and have words of advice I'd love to hear it!

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Torn Between Career and Child... Already

There's something about feeling secure in your job and responsibilities that makes you feel confidant, and good about yourself. Knowing I'm going to be stepping away from that for 12 weeks sometimes scares the living daylights out of me. I've been working a lot, and posting a little less, this should explain some.

I shared that today on my Project Pregnancy blog on Parenting.com:

It was after midnight. My last coworker left the building over an hour before, I was alone and tired. Exhausted from finishing my regular shift, and on to other tasks... Tasks that go beyond my normal daily duties. Tasks I hope will secure my job when I return from maternity leave.

I'm not worried about having A job. I have a contract, and there are these things called "laws" which protect women who have children from loosing their jobs for that reason alone, but those laws don't necessarily guarantee you the same duties and responsibilities.

My late nights aren't a rarity right now. It's the only thing I know to do to better my odds at keeping the same assignments I adore.

I've been in my career for about six years. I loved my job as a journalist and have been enriched by the people I've encountered in the process of sharing their stories over the years. It wasn't until recently that I fell into what feels like a perfect combination of roles. No day feels monotonous because nearly every day I'm wearing a different hat and working on an important project. Whether it be covering an important education meeting, helping a foster child to get adopted, or delivering the news, I'm responsible for specific areas of interest and I LOVE it. I can honestly say I love my job. But the more you love something, the harder it is to loose.

Before a woman goes on maternity leave you hear whispering and questions: "How long is she going to be gone?" "Do you think she'll come back?" It seems as though it's no secret some women can't bear the thought of returning to work after setting eyes on this new beautiful being they've created. I've seen it, and I've heard about it countless times. "I just knew I couldn't leave her," women have told me, recounting their experiences before they decided to trade in their brief case for diaper bags.

I've always known my situation would be different. I'm not in the position, not now, to retire early from my career to raise my child from home. And I'm ok with that. Luckily my husband and I won't need to use daycare facilities and we have our childcare situation figured out already... Him. But stay at home dads is a whole nother topic which I'll delve into later.

In the weeks leading up to my temporary departure from work I find myself in a constant panic. What is she comes early and I'm not ready? Oh I'm ready when it comes to things at home. The crib is up, diapers are on standby. We have the necessities we need and the excitement, confidence, courage and faith to raise a new baby. The fear lies with securing the job I love.

There's a special segment I produce weekly, and I'll continue to work on until I leave. When the question arose if I'd still be doing it when I got back I didn't know how to answer. Of course I want to, it's quite possibly the best part of my job. I know I'm doing a good job, but would they remember the good job I've done after 12 weeks of my absence? I couldn't take a chance.

So I've been putting in overtime to produce 12 extra segments before my momentary migration. Twelve segments to fill the 12 weeks I'm gone.

I thought that would be where my work-obsessed antics ceased but unfortunately it's not.

Months ago I proposed an in-depth report on a topic I've been very passionate about. I was recently informed I could pursue it myself... Pending maternity leave. Those three words crushed me. It was like a giant asterisk beside my name screaming "MAYBE." Yea, well, maybe isn't good enough. I want to do it, I can't pass it on to someone else.

I counted backwards from the day they want it to air to my due date then forward 12 weeks. It's cutting it close. And now I'm finding myself considering something I never saw my self deliberating... Cutting my FMLA time short. All so I can have my cake and eat it too... Or so I think.

Would 10 weeks instead of 12 really make a big difference? It doesn't seem like it now but I have a feeling I'll think quite differently in about a month. Is this already happening to me? Already I'm being faced with difficult work-family decisions yanking me between career accomplishments and family. The answer may seem much more simple than it is. I know this now, but I also know I've only gotten a taste for what's to come. Soon, I'll be feasting in this unobtainable balance.

So will the dangling carrot get me back to work sooner than I had hoped? I don't know. Luckily that's not a decision I have to make today. I'm going to wait until I've met my daughter and get to know her a little better.

Until then, I'll be working on racing the clock to secure other elements of my job I want to keep, even if that means working past midnight a couple days a week.

This post was originally written for my Parenting.com blog, you can read more of my stories and motherhood debates here.

Seeing Through a Child's Eyes

When people find out I’m a TV new anchor and reporter one of the first things I’m asked is “do people recognize you?”

Honestly, it’s not like people think. I use to be the host of BYU Weekly in Utah and for a while I’d get recognized for that role more than any other media position I’ve held.

Lately it’s a little different. I’m not sure if my pregnancy magnifies things or what but I’ve been getting stopped nearly every day with someone who says something like “I didn’t know you were pregnant, you can’t tell on TV!” or “Congratulations on your baby” it’s really quite interesting.

The funny fact is, I don’t really LIKE to be recognized. I never know what to say. I hate wearing makeup and you’ll hardly ever catch me wearing it outside of work… Nor will I have my hair done or be in dressy clothes. The fact that people can still spot me is sometimes a little frightening. I sometimes find myself looking for my reflection to see how horrible I look and feel bad for scaring them.

My reluctance for recognition toned down one day afternoon in the small town of Coupland Texas.

The entire school district fit in two small buildings side by side. I heard about a guitar class for half a dozen sixth graders—About a third of the entire grade of students. For many of them, practicing guitar was a motivation to go to school every day—Something to look forward to during a difficult time for school.When I arrived to film and interview them I could hear their whispers of recognition. Then one by one each came up to ask me the same question over and over… If I was the “news lady.” It didn’t matter if they heard the same answer I gave to the kid who asked seconds before; they wanted to hear for themselves.

For once I didn’t mind the attention. I felt like talking to these kids made their day. After I was done filming and getting the interviews the entire class… And the class of students in the same room after—In fact, the entire sixth grade class came up and one by one asked for my autograph.
It was one of the strangest, funniest and cutest, things I had experienced. I tried to think of something nice to say next to my worthless autograph. “Stay in school,” was mostly all I could come up with. So much for being a writer! I’ll have to work on that in case I’m ever asked for an autograph again.

A few of them also gave me some of their own tokens to appreciate. I’m sure I’m someone they’ll quickly forget about, if they haven’t already, but those cute kiddos are faces I’ll remember forever.

It’s amazing how little things can make all the difference in a child’s life. I miss that sometimes, but I look forward to experiencing it again through my daughter’s eyes. If you want to see the story I did click here.

A Horrible Morning Brightened by a Flicker

Miss my good news? Read it here.

I woke up excited, anxious. It was the day of my first doctor's appointment... The day I'd find out if there is really a baby in my stomach, or if all of these symptoms are just a hoax.

I'd been praying that I'd get to hear the heartbeat. I called the doctors office a week before to see what we would be doing exactly so I'd know whether or not to bring my husband along. They told me they wouldn't do an ultrasound but that they'd check for a heartbeat. --How?

I wasn't sure but my friends told me they'd probably use a doppler to listen for it... But also warned it's hard to hear early, and not to worry if I couldn't hear it this time.

I got ready for work and finalized plans to meet my husband at the doctor's office in a few hours before heading out the door. Just as I was leaving I noticed I had a text message on my phone. ... A warning from someone I work with, saying that she wasn't the only person at work who reads my blog.

'Great' I thought to myself. Maybe only one or two people read it but that can easily turn into 10 or 20 once words spreads that a "juicy post" is up. I know there are some people who love to gossip but I didn't know the extent to which the news had traveled. A few moments later I received a text message from another friend... Asking about the story I was working on for the day, but also making a point to call me "a blogger" in the message.

The good news is I was warned. I knew it would only take a person or two for it to suddenly spread and turn into my entire company... But I wasn't prepared for the reactions.

Instead of feeling congratulated, I felt investigated. Instead of feeling excitement and anticipation from my colleagues, I'm left feeling like I'm 16 and pregnant. ... Not like the happily married woman I am who was planning to have a baby.

I knew announcing my pregnancy on my blog could mean that it would get out to people I work with sooner than I planned to tell people, but I didn't imagine people gossiping about it... Giggling about it, then interrogating me about my "secret pregnancy" as if they've cracked some Top Secret... As if I'm some immature teenager who didn't know to use a condom.

I wasn't upset about people "finding out" I was upset about the reaction. I thought people would be... Or at least seem happy for me... Even if they had read the news on my blog, or had been told from a someone else who did. I wasn't trying to hide it, if I was I wouldn't have published it, but I published it thinking the responses (if any) would be maybe something more like "congratulations."

I felt like I was in high school again... And I couldn't help but let the hormones take over and cry like a child myself. I was hurt.

The day didn't get any better in the couple of hours before my appointment. Technical problems followed by more pregnancy questions I didn't know all of the answers to myself, and looks that screamed "so and so told me about you." And then I prayed.

Now that the entire world knows I'm pregnant, I prayed to actually be pregnant. I didn't know for sure... I mean, according to several home pregnancy tests and my late friend I knew I should be, but I wasn't convinced there was a living being in there. I prayed that I am still and that I will continue to be pregnant for nine healthy months. I prayed I'd hear my baby's heart at the appointment to calm my fears and brighten my day.

I met my husband at the doctor's office and he was a trooper... Even though he was the only man in there for awhile, and unsure if he was really supposed to be there.

The nurse called us back and gave me a few more forms to fill out.

"This one just confirms that we won't tell anyone about your medical records... You don't have to worry about us telling the Newspaper or anything," she added.

'Yea, well the News already knows.' I thought to myself.

They took my weight, height, blood and blood pressure. Then the nurse told me she'd hook up the ultrasound machine for my doctor.

I was thrilled. I knew I probably wouldn't be able to hear a heartbeat yet, but that I'd be able to see it if we looked for it.

I tried not to get my hopes up... Thinking maybe she had forgotten how far along I was and was mistaken about the ultrasound. I kept a silent prayer as I met my doctor for the first time.

She was wonderful! Friendly, funny, and easy to talk to. Not in a rush at all. I felt welcomed and like she was a friend right away. She congratulated us on our first baby... It resonated well... Made me smile. Made me feel myself again.

But it wasn't until she turned the machine on and told us what we were looking for that my hopes began to soar. She saw the sac that my baby was in and a moment later our baby. Just a small dot right now... But a baby alright. And then a movement caught my eye. The movement I'd been praying for.

I saw the flicker of my baby's heartbeat... And that's when and all of my embarrassment, fears and frustrations with work went away. That small flicker melted my heart.

I didn't cry... I thought I might, but I kept myself from tearing so I wouldn't miss any of the flickers. I sent all of the negative energy away and collected every ounce of happiness, gratification and love and sent it to my baby.

... My baby who even now... No bigger an orange seed, already knows how to brighten mommy's day.

The Job

I have a pretty cool job. Yea, I work as a reporter, which is pretty cool when you consider that I get to do something different every day. Well, I told a few of my friends at work about my blog and let me tell you word spreads fast! I didn't know half the people at work knew I had this thing.

Some of you readers may be thinking "Uh oh... Ooooh....Remember you talked about strippin?... Or getting your whoohaa waxed?!" But ya know what? I'm not a private person (if you haven't noticed) and I knew people would read this going into it. I debated whether or not to make this blog private and decided since I don't blog about anything political or extremely controversial(which are boring blog topics anyway) I'd go ahead and let the world read this. This is me, who I am in reality. I'm a happy, low-stress, carefree kind of gal that likes to be sarcastic and laugh... Yea laugh! But the cool thing I'm finding is that a lot of people appreciate it!

I love what I do because I get to pick other people's brains and write stories that help people. Well, this blog is a bigger, broader-net version of that. It's more specific as it pertains solely to pregnancy/motherhood/womanhood related stuff but I get to do fun research and spread the word about my cool findings. The fun this about this is that I do get to express my opinions about my findings, and share my personal stories. I don't get to do that on TV.

Not only that but I get to write! I write every day at work but I'm confined to a specific structure-A 90 second story. It's nice to be able to be long winded and write for FUN, not just for work.

My friend at work (I'll call him Mr. E) told me he saw my blog and I asked him what he thought. He said don't rush it, have fun! He waited until he was married for like 8 years (together for like 11) before they had their first child. He was 33 and she was 30. He says he has no regrets, and they got their "parting" out of their system. Nice tip Mr. E, I'll keep that in mind! Anyway just wanted to put it out there that I know yall are reading, but the least yall could do is LEAVE SOME COMMENTS! ;op

Anyway, I leave all of you with a glimpse of the real me.