The Return to Work

Exhausting. That's the best word I can use to describe my first day back at work.

I woke up extra early so I'd have time to pump before leaving. And since I had been used to sleeping in until 9 most of my maternity leave, this wasn't the easiest adjustment.

I was hoping my daughter would stay asleep but in the middle of the night, after she ate I kept her cuddling with me. So shortly after I got up, she woke up.

Normally I'd nurse her back to sleep but I guess she knew I wasn't going back to sleep either, so she wanted to stay up and play. I had my husband help with her so I could get ready. I hooked up my pump and PumpEase so I could do my makeup while I prepared some milk for the next day.

When I was done I had pumped five and a half ounces from one side (Lil' J ate from the other earlier and I was thinking I'd nurse he again before I left).

I cleaned my pump, got dressed and was ready to leave. This was the part I was dreading.

I had put her in her swing so I could finish getting ready and to my surprise she had fallen asleep. One of my friends told me this was the best way to leave. I knew this was true because had she been laughing and cooing or crying I would have bawled my entire way to work.

Instead I slightly stroked her cheek, shed one tear and kissed my husband goodbye.

On my drive to work I blared the music for two reasons. For one, I wanted to drown out my thoughts and two, I couldn't really do that with her in the back seat. It was weird not focusing on the baby mirror behind me and consoling my daughter who hates riding in the car.

When I got to work I was greeted with warm welcomes and lots of questions. Of course I had half a dozen pictures printed off to place on my desk and showed them off to my colleagues.

When other mothers asked how I was doing I surprised myself when I realized I was doing fine. Then I felt another strange hint of emotion--was that guilt? How could I be doing so well away from my daughter when I love her so much?

I tried to brush it off and made my way to the morning meeting. I didn't miss those.

I hurried out to my first interview. I was working on my segment to help find adopted families for foster children and I was introduced to a talkative and very intelligent 12-year-old.

The moment we met my mind focused on him and making it a time he'd remember. We raced go-carts and played a dozen games of ski ball before the park even opened to the public.

I was immersed in my job with no time to think about missing my daughter. But when the shoot was finished and I was invited to eat lunch with them, I politely declined so I could go home and see my baby.

It had been about five hours since I had last pumped so I was feeling a little engorged.

When I got home my husband had pizza coming out of the oven and Lil' J's smile when she saw me just melted my heart.

I had called my husband on my way home, so instead of warming another bottle for her, he let her wait to nurse. And boy was she ready. She likes to eat but there must be something different about it coming straight from the source because she didn't want to let go. I loved having her snuggled in my arms and watching her stare and smile at me as she ate as if she were saying "I missed you mommy." I enjoyed it so much, I forgot to eat. My husband packed the pizza up for me to take with me back to work.

I was surprised at how he was doing. I hate to admit it but he was showing me up. I can't remember if I had ever had a meal ready for him when he came home from work. Usually I was asking him to pick something up.

This time when I went back to work it was a little harder. My daughter was laughing and smiling when I left and I love being around her when she's in such a good mood.

After my break the day took a bad turn. I had my second interview for another story, but on the way back we were rear ended.

Neither I or my photographer were hurt, but instead of staying ahead of schedule, that and all the paperwork that comes with car accidents, set us back hours.

It did however, give me some time to catch up with my boss who praised me for breastfeeding and asked me about how I'm enjoying motherhood.

Three hours later it was finally time to head back to the station, but it was time to go home when I got there. Luckily the story I'm working on doesn't air until Sunday, but I still wanted to get something going before I left. So I took my laptop, and camera into the makeup room where there were two other breast pumps lined up next to mine.

It had been another five hours since I had last fed my daughter so while I was trying to get everything set up, things got a bit messy. Apparently my body responds really well to seeing the pump, almost as well as when my daughter cries. I felt something wet on my leg and realized I was squirting from both sides. I hurried and hooked the pump up so more precious milk wouldn’t be lost on the make up room floor (don't worry, I cleaned it up. Wouldn't want anyone to slip!).

I had no problem pumping hands free and working at the same time. The most time consuming part, I'm finding is cleaning all of the parts after pumping. At home I leave the pieces out to air-dry but I'm obviously not going to so that at work. So washing and drying all the pieces took some time.

I got another nine ounces to bring home and was more than ready to go home to my daughter.

For a moment I thought I'd bring my laptop home but I decided not to. Keep work at work. I thought.

My husband had dinner in the oven and Lil' J was happy to be back in my arms. I didn't want to set her down and she didn't want to let go.

My husband was able to workout and study while we reconnected and I was in awe of our new system.

Unlike my routine, my husband left Lil' J in her PJs all day versus dressing her up, but I didn't mention it to him. Baby steps I thought.

It was nice to put makeup on again, actually doing my hair and wearing a suit. But my feet, which had grown accustomed to flip flops over the past twelve weeks didn't appreciate squeezing back into heels. So it was great putting my feet up and snuggling with my sloberpus that night.

We all turned in early around 10pm.

Today I'm anchoring the evening shift so my schedule will be a little different but I've had the whole morning to spend with my daughter.

Tonight she'll get to watch me on TV and come visit me at the station during my dinner break.

I'm so blessed to have my husband at home with my daughter and he's doing SO much better than I imagined.

I didn't believe people when they told me I'd appreciate the time with her more, I didn't think it would be possible to appreciate it more, but I really do.

It's a lot more work now, and there's a lot of teamwork involved. I'm working hard and focusing on work when I'm away, but the moment I get home I take my daughter and don't set her down.

My husband can take that opportunity to do things he enjoys doing but it's pretty much non-stop work for the both of us.

My husband and I may be doing things a little backwards compared to most families but I'm optimistic it'll work for us.

I'm surprised how I am able to jump back into work almost without skipping a beat. I think part of that thanks to having a job I love.

I try not to wonder what I'm missing when I'm away. And I made my husband take an oath to act surprised by any new developments I may miss, as if I'm seeing the firsts right along with him.

I'm not sure how long I'll be a working mother, but for now, I confess: It's not as bad as I had feared.

Everyone who comments on this post is entered to win a CoddleLife Bottle. I'll pick a winner using Random.org on September 28th.

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Swimtown Pools Winner: #33 Domestica
PumpEase Winner: #130 Lindsey

The End of Maternity Leave

My maternity leave is coming to a close, and in the morning my stint as a stay at home mother will be over. I'll begin my new role as a full time working mom.

As the night lingers on I begin to wonder about sleep deprivation. It's no big deal when I'm at home and napping through the day, but when I'm operating heavy machinery, conducting interviews and anchoring the news to thousands of people, there's slightly more pressure to ummm--Function.

Instead I'm picturing periodic meltdowns and tear streaks across my makeup.

It's almost hilarious when I think back to before having her, when I was worried about a project I wanted to work on, and debated going back early to pursue it. After she was born and here for a few weeks I could have cared less about it. I was taking the full 12 weeks, there was no mistake about that.

I've packed my bags. My pump, and PumpEase are in the bag. My laptop and blackberry are charged. Fresh milk is in the fridge, my suits are at the cleaners and my schedule is mapped out for my first week back. It's like preparing for the first day of school--Except not as fun.

My daughter and I went shopping today, but this time for me. It was a much-needed dose of retail therapy to get me excited about going back. New clothes to go with my new, fuller, motherly figure.

I held her longer today and kissed her an extra thousand times. I inhaled the smell of her hair and tickled her tiny toes.

I hope I can do this.

I know I can do this. But it won't be easy.

I'm trying to count my blessings. It could be so much worse. I'm grateful have a job. Grateful I had twelve weeks to spend with her--Even if half of that time was unpaid. And best of all my daughter will be in the best hands next to my own--Her daddy's. Granted, there was a time I contemplated whether that was a fact, or if a daycare worker or nanny had more experience with tending small babies. But regardless of his learning curve, no one would love her more.

Everything's packed and ready to go. But this time when I drive to work, I'll be leaving behind my heart.

If you've been where I'm going and have words of advice I'd love to hear it!

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Winner of the $75 CSN Giveaway: #222 Mama b. Congrats! I'll email you soon and you'll have 48 hours to respond!

Torn Between Career and Child... Already

There's something about feeling secure in your job and responsibilities that makes you feel confidant, and good about yourself. Knowing I'm going to be stepping away from that for 12 weeks sometimes scares the living daylights out of me. I've been working a lot, and posting a little less, this should explain some.

I shared that today on my Project Pregnancy blog on Parenting.com:

It was after midnight. My last coworker left the building over an hour before, I was alone and tired. Exhausted from finishing my regular shift, and on to other tasks... Tasks that go beyond my normal daily duties. Tasks I hope will secure my job when I return from maternity leave.

I'm not worried about having A job. I have a contract, and there are these things called "laws" which protect women who have children from loosing their jobs for that reason alone, but those laws don't necessarily guarantee you the same duties and responsibilities.

My late nights aren't a rarity right now. It's the only thing I know to do to better my odds at keeping the same assignments I adore.

I've been in my career for about six years. I loved my job as a journalist and have been enriched by the people I've encountered in the process of sharing their stories over the years. It wasn't until recently that I fell into what feels like a perfect combination of roles. No day feels monotonous because nearly every day I'm wearing a different hat and working on an important project. Whether it be covering an important education meeting, helping a foster child to get adopted, or delivering the news, I'm responsible for specific areas of interest and I LOVE it. I can honestly say I love my job. But the more you love something, the harder it is to loose.

Before a woman goes on maternity leave you hear whispering and questions: "How long is she going to be gone?" "Do you think she'll come back?" It seems as though it's no secret some women can't bear the thought of returning to work after setting eyes on this new beautiful being they've created. I've seen it, and I've heard about it countless times. "I just knew I couldn't leave her," women have told me, recounting their experiences before they decided to trade in their brief case for diaper bags.

I've always known my situation would be different. I'm not in the position, not now, to retire early from my career to raise my child from home. And I'm ok with that. Luckily my husband and I won't need to use daycare facilities and we have our childcare situation figured out already... Him. But stay at home dads is a whole nother topic which I'll delve into later.

In the weeks leading up to my temporary departure from work I find myself in a constant panic. What is she comes early and I'm not ready? Oh I'm ready when it comes to things at home. The crib is up, diapers are on standby. We have the necessities we need and the excitement, confidence, courage and faith to raise a new baby. The fear lies with securing the job I love.

There's a special segment I produce weekly, and I'll continue to work on until I leave. When the question arose if I'd still be doing it when I got back I didn't know how to answer. Of course I want to, it's quite possibly the best part of my job. I know I'm doing a good job, but would they remember the good job I've done after 12 weeks of my absence? I couldn't take a chance.

So I've been putting in overtime to produce 12 extra segments before my momentary migration. Twelve segments to fill the 12 weeks I'm gone.

I thought that would be where my work-obsessed antics ceased but unfortunately it's not.

Months ago I proposed an in-depth report on a topic I've been very passionate about. I was recently informed I could pursue it myself... Pending maternity leave. Those three words crushed me. It was like a giant asterisk beside my name screaming "MAYBE." Yea, well, maybe isn't good enough. I want to do it, I can't pass it on to someone else.

I counted backwards from the day they want it to air to my due date then forward 12 weeks. It's cutting it close. And now I'm finding myself considering something I never saw my self deliberating... Cutting my FMLA time short. All so I can have my cake and eat it too... Or so I think.

Would 10 weeks instead of 12 really make a big difference? It doesn't seem like it now but I have a feeling I'll think quite differently in about a month. Is this already happening to me? Already I'm being faced with difficult work-family decisions yanking me between career accomplishments and family. The answer may seem much more simple than it is. I know this now, but I also know I've only gotten a taste for what's to come. Soon, I'll be feasting in this unobtainable balance.

So will the dangling carrot get me back to work sooner than I had hoped? I don't know. Luckily that's not a decision I have to make today. I'm going to wait until I've met my daughter and get to know her a little better.

Until then, I'll be working on racing the clock to secure other elements of my job I want to keep, even if that means working past midnight a couple days a week.

This post was originally written for my Parenting.com blog, you can read more of my stories and motherhood debates here.

Seeing Through a Child's Eyes

When people find out I’m a TV new anchor and reporter one of the first things I’m asked is “do people recognize you?”

Honestly, it’s not like people think. I use to be the host of BYU Weekly in Utah and for a while I’d get recognized for that role more than any other media position I’ve held.

Lately it’s a little different. I’m not sure if my pregnancy magnifies things or what but I’ve been getting stopped nearly every day with someone who says something like “I didn’t know you were pregnant, you can’t tell on TV!” or “Congratulations on your baby” it’s really quite interesting.

The funny fact is, I don’t really LIKE to be recognized. I never know what to say. I hate wearing makeup and you’ll hardly ever catch me wearing it outside of work… Nor will I have my hair done or be in dressy clothes. The fact that people can still spot me is sometimes a little frightening. I sometimes find myself looking for my reflection to see how horrible I look and feel bad for scaring them.

My reluctance for recognition toned down one day afternoon in the small town of Coupland Texas.

The entire school district fit in two small buildings side by side. I heard about a guitar class for half a dozen sixth graders—About a third of the entire grade of students. For many of them, practicing guitar was a motivation to go to school every day—Something to look forward to during a difficult time for school.When I arrived to film and interview them I could hear their whispers of recognition. Then one by one each came up to ask me the same question over and over… If I was the “news lady.” It didn’t matter if they heard the same answer I gave to the kid who asked seconds before; they wanted to hear for themselves.

For once I didn’t mind the attention. I felt like talking to these kids made their day. After I was done filming and getting the interviews the entire class… And the class of students in the same room after—In fact, the entire sixth grade class came up and one by one asked for my autograph.
It was one of the strangest, funniest and cutest, things I had experienced. I tried to think of something nice to say next to my worthless autograph. “Stay in school,” was mostly all I could come up with. So much for being a writer! I’ll have to work on that in case I’m ever asked for an autograph again.

A few of them also gave me some of their own tokens to appreciate. I’m sure I’m someone they’ll quickly forget about, if they haven’t already, but those cute kiddos are faces I’ll remember forever.

It’s amazing how little things can make all the difference in a child’s life. I miss that sometimes, but I look forward to experiencing it again through my daughter’s eyes. If you want to see the story I did click here.

Becoming Something I'm Not... Yet

Everything I thought I'd ever be... The woman I pictured myself turning into. It's all changing before my eyes.

I wanted to climb the "corporate" ladder so to speak, and be a professional woman. "Lexus before little ones" was my saying. Now, my dreams of an IS250 have been put on hold, indefinitely, until I know which way my life is going... Oh, and until I make enough money.

28 or 29... That was about how old I thought I'd be when I had my first child. Granted I thought I'd be 25 or 26 when I got married. But things changed. I met and married my husband at 18... And I'm pregnant at 23. I'll be a young mother... But family isn't the only aspect of my life that's matured quickly.

I graduated high school a year early, applied and won nearly every broadcast award I entered for in college. Won a record amount of scholarships, and landed jobs many people older than me dreamed of.

I'm not recalling this in a big-headed way, but thinking about the path that I was on. I kept encouraging myself to push on. I am so young, and have so much potential. Imagine what I could do with another 10 years--And I'd only be 33!

I didn't want to fall into the routine of so many women I knew in college. Not that it was a bad thing, but the "trap"... As I saw it then, was to get married, get hypnotized, and get pregnant. Life after that to me seemed to be all poopie diapers and dedication to another human being... Not having much time to develop one's own skills.

I see things a little differently now. Becoming a mother has been something I haven't seen as a burden, but as a gift. But I still wonder what will happen to me.

I always thought one good thing I'd have going for me is the fact that I know who I am as a person, as a woman. I am aware of my likes, dislikes, talents and personality. Motherhood won't be the only thing I've experienced. It won't define me or...Or will it?

What will happen to me once I hold my child in my arms for the first time? Who, and what will I become?

A few months ago I practically turned down an opportunity that fell in my lap because I knew I wanted to pursue a family. Now I catch myself wondering if I made the right decision.

Will I continue to pass up jobs because my dreams for motherhood come first? Knowing the answer to this question is "yes" right now makes me a little sad. I use to have my goals mapped out, and be ahead of the game. Now I feel like I'm loosing headway.

What's happening to my ambition? My drive? My urge to be a successful career woman? I feel like everyone expected so much of me... Expected me to go so far. News of my pregnancy is a shock to them. I feel like a hypocrite.

I want to do it all... But I'm not sure how possible it is at my age to get ahead in my career AND be a young mom. I don't regret my decision, I just wonder where it will take me, and who exactly I'll become.

The Best of Both Worlds--My Quest to Find it

I'm not sure what's gotten into me. I've gone from the young, ambitious woman, ready to climb to the top of the journalism world--Maybe have a couple of kids at some point. To definitely having kids, still being a reporter powerhouse. To wanting my first kid sooner than I thought--I'll squeeze it into my career plans. To having a kid and adorable family is my first priority and hoping my fantastic career will fall into place.

I thought I was always ambitious and career minded, but looking at journal entries from years past makes me remember otherwise. I've always had big goals for my career, and had a very supportive husband, but been very open to him providing if that's what we wanted.

I never use to envy women who stayed at home with their children all day. I always wanted to have a career where I could still develop my skills and be a successful woman while still being a mom. And it wasn't until very recently I became jealous of those women who could be at home.

Last week I was browsing through some friend's blogs, catching up on their lives and looking through pictures. I stopped at one blog of a girlfriend I use to work with in college. She's pregnant with #2 and is a stay at home mother. It wasn't what she wrote on her blog that struck the sensitive nerve inside me, but a picture she had with about 20 other women, all stay at home wives/mothers, and their husbands were all in graduate school.

"That must be nice" was the first thought that came to mind. I found myself wishing I had a big group of girlfriends with playmates for my young children. That I could get together during the day and talk and bake and play while my husband worked outside the home--Or not even worked, just went to school. My main responsibility--though a huge one--Raising our children.

I envied the fact that they may not plan to--Or have to, work a day in their child's young life, and they can afford to do that. --Knowing that probably won't be the case for me.

My emotions boiled over, the tears came, and I couldn't help but express my frustration to my husband--The jealousy I felt for all of the women I knew who were brave enough to live off their husband's income (or even lack thereof), and not have to work. That simple picture brought a million questions to the front of my mind. Why was I so ambitious? Why do I want to work? Why did I move us across the country for a career I may be doubting myself in a few years from now?

He reassured me things aren't always what they seem. That that makes me unique, and that there may be women out there who wished they were in my shoes.

To be honest it's hard to believe someone who has the "best/hardest" job in the world would want to switch places with someone who has a "difficult/not necessarily the best" job.

But I'm trying to keep my chin up. If there's anything I know about our relationship it's that everything has happened for a reason, and I'm sure things will continue to unfold that way. I just pray that one day--I can have the best of both worlds.

The Job

I have a pretty cool job. Yea, I work as a reporter, which is pretty cool when you consider that I get to do something different every day. Well, I told a few of my friends at work about my blog and let me tell you word spreads fast! I didn't know half the people at work knew I had this thing.

Some of you readers may be thinking "Uh oh... Ooooh....Remember you talked about strippin?... Or getting your whoohaa waxed?!" But ya know what? I'm not a private person (if you haven't noticed) and I knew people would read this going into it. I debated whether or not to make this blog private and decided since I don't blog about anything political or extremely controversial(which are boring blog topics anyway) I'd go ahead and let the world read this. This is me, who I am in reality. I'm a happy, low-stress, carefree kind of gal that likes to be sarcastic and laugh... Yea laugh! But the cool thing I'm finding is that a lot of people appreciate it!

I love what I do because I get to pick other people's brains and write stories that help people. Well, this blog is a bigger, broader-net version of that. It's more specific as it pertains solely to pregnancy/motherhood/womanhood related stuff but I get to do fun research and spread the word about my cool findings. The fun this about this is that I do get to express my opinions about my findings, and share my personal stories. I don't get to do that on TV.

Not only that but I get to write! I write every day at work but I'm confined to a specific structure-A 90 second story. It's nice to be able to be long winded and write for FUN, not just for work.

My friend at work (I'll call him Mr. E) told me he saw my blog and I asked him what he thought. He said don't rush it, have fun! He waited until he was married for like 8 years (together for like 11) before they had their first child. He was 33 and she was 30. He says he has no regrets, and they got their "parting" out of their system. Nice tip Mr. E, I'll keep that in mind! Anyway just wanted to put it out there that I know yall are reading, but the least yall could do is LEAVE SOME COMMENTS! ;op

Anyway, I leave all of you with a glimpse of the real me.