I can’t believe I’m so close… So close to taking the plunge. I’m ready, more ready than ever to try to join the mommy club. Things are falling into place better than I imagined. Don’t laugh, but I’ve had a countdown on my iPhone for a while. Counting down to the day my “baby makin machine” would turn “ON.” I remember looking at it when it was more than 100 days away. I’ve changed the date several times, but this time I think it’s sticking, and I’m finally only 32 days away… Ok, I’m going to just round down and say a MONTH! I’m so excited I’m literally thinking of making a paper chain.
Everything is falling into place too. I’m not a Suga Mama anymore! When I was in Chicago my husband got an interview and a JOB that he likes A LOT! I feel very blessed. The economy hit us pretty hard, but we’ve been blessed an able to rent out our condo for another year, and now this! I was ready to just go for it like NOW but we’ve agreed to stick with our September goal. But when I really think about it it’s like HOLY COW… Scary!! I’m excited, scared, and going into hyper-planning mode all at the same time!
I’m debating on all things pre-TTC, and my original goals and plans are all starting to change. I’m trying to decide if I still want to do a procreation vacation (aka baby-makin’ moon). Part of me does because it would be fun, but then part of me thinks I don’t care anymore, I just want to get this show on the road!! But then again I’ve talked about it and I think kicking it off in a fun way would be… Well, fun. And since I’ve talked about it for so long I kind of want to just do it the fun way like I planned. Oh, and can I just say I was looking at my Fertility Friend chart and it looks like I’ll be ovulating around the 1st of September, so who knows… Maybe I’ll get the first egg right away! What do you think? Baby-Makin Moon? Yay or nay? I'm also a little worried about over-planning and scaring my husband out of it. The goal is NOT to do that!!
Oh, and I know I’ve been a blogging slacker lately… At least for me. Blogher took a lot out of me. I’ll be doing more wrap ups on that later, but I’m hoping to get back into the routine of posting daily again! I’ve got a lot to say my (hopefully) LAST month pre-trying to be a mommy.
I’m looking up a lot of things about trying to conceive and so I have a question for you… Besides sex (obviously) if there was one thing that helped you get pregnant what do you think it was? I hear, laying down propped up at the hips for awhile helps. What else worked for you, or have you heard?
Showing posts with label family planning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family planning. Show all posts
Friday, July 31, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
The Progress--Reading Fully Fertile
Things have toned down and geared up at the same time. I've set an "official" goal for baby makin' time, and every day it's getting little closer.
I've accepted the fact that it may not happen right away, and have actually found out that it only does for 25% of people?... I dunno, if you ask me the number seems A LOT bigger than that. I mean, I feel like everyone I know is pregnant!
Despite that, I have calmed down a lot. I still give my husband a little crap every now and then for drinking caffeine, and wearing tight underwear, but I'm trying to go easy on him. In fact... He's even been cooperating and taking a male vitamin with Zinc and other good stuff to help his swimmers.--I'm not sure if he knows that's why I gave it to him--If so, he sure is being a good sport about it.
Despite that, I have calmed down a lot. I still give my husband a little crap every now and then for drinking caffeine, and wearing tight underwear, but I'm trying to go easy on him. In fact... He's even been cooperating and taking a male vitamin with Zinc and other good stuff to help his swimmers.--I'm not sure if he knows that's why I gave it to him--If so, he sure is being a good sport about it.
I'm still trecking my way through Fully Fertile. I'm more than half way through now and I've learned a ton! I've also been trying to read Taking Charge of Your Fertility for awhile but one thing I like about Fully Fertile is that it's less text-book like. The women who wrote the book share a lot of their personal experiences and write what they're experts in.
When I got to the part about organic foods and nutrition I was kind of dreading it a little--I've never really been big on the whole "organic craze" that's been going on lately. To be honest I read all nutrition things with a grain of salt... I don't feel like I have time to check every detauk if everything I eat with a microscope... I know I should be better, but I sorta figure since I don't drink or smoke, a strawberry that may have been sprayed with pesticides once in it's life won't kill me--As fast. BUT since I'm thinking I may be eating for two... Eventually, I'm trying to have a more open mind about these things (even though I swear a lot of women eat like crap and still have healthy babies).I am making it my goal to eat a few things organic... Eggs, and some dairy products. I don't drink milk as it is, but take calcium supplements, but I like yogurt, so I'll try to buy those things organic.
I also love fruit, and I may try to buy organic fruit, or... There's a good list in the book of fruits that have the most pesticide, then their main nutrient, and a comparable fruit you could eat instead. For example: Strawberries have a lot of pesticides. The main vitamin in it is C and a good "nutritional match" with lower pesticides is: Blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, kiwi, orange and cantaloupe. I'm going to try to be more aware of little things like this as far as diet. Do you buy organic? Why or why not?
I'm also going to try to be better about sleeping. It's easy for me to stay up all night and read, write or surf the net. But sleep is one of the most important parts of the life cycle, and not getting enough could be detrimental.--Who knew? Instead of pulling so many all-nighters, I've decided to give my body a break and attempt to get 8 hours of sleep for the next month... We'll see how that goes! I'm not sure how many people I know who actually get that much sleep.
I've given up caffeine for the most part. I admit, I've snuck a cola here and there, but I'd say my headaches are proving my abstinence from the drug.
And the biggest thing that's been keeping me is the dentist. Well guess what?.. Wednesday is my big day to take care of that! I've been worried if I was pregnant any time before that the Novocaine I'm sure I'll need probably wouldn't be good for my growing spawn.
And on a sort of side note... Have you heard of Feng Shui? It's confusing but fun to read about at the same time. For instance... I have no idea the best place to put the bed since it's like a loose loose the way my room is positioned, however I'm not making up my bed again every morning, so I have a neat, and calmer bed to get into at night. There was a section on that in Fully Fertile too, I found it intriguing.
I know people are probbaly reading all of this and thinking I'm crazy. Probably saying to themselves I should "just have fun" at first. And I completely understand that. But I think it's hard to relax when in the back of your mind you know what the goal is. I will say though, at this point, I'm doing more of this research for fun an education rather than out of fear or paranoia. That's progress right?
As far as all the tracking goes, I'm still doing the BBT readings, however last month they totally screwed me up. I thought my cycle was going to be like 40 days cause my temperatures never went up but I was spot on around day 28 again. SO... Knowing that it has pretty much been that way since April, when I went off hormonal birth control--give or take a day or two-- I'm not going to stress about it the next few months. I mean... If you have regular cycles, isn't that kind of a good sign?
Just for fun, I'll try to see if I can figure out the big "O" day, and see if it's consistent, so I can possibly plan a baby makin' moon kick off... But we'll see. Am I going overboard? Ok, but really, women who want to get pregnant... How much planing are you doing? And to women who have gotten pregnant--How did you do it?--No, I mean, with food and sleep and all that good stuff, did you pay attention to all of that?
On another side note... It's the 4th of July! Happy
Independence Day my friends! I hope you're having a wonderful time with those you love! I made this cake... Aren't you loving how domestic I have become? Ok I admit... I was running a little late so hubs baked it for me... But I decorated it!
I also love fruit, and I may try to buy organic fruit, or... There's a good list in the book of fruits that have the most pesticide, then their main nutrient, and a comparable fruit you could eat instead. For example: Strawberries have a lot of pesticides. The main vitamin in it is C and a good "nutritional match" with lower pesticides is: Blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, kiwi, orange and cantaloupe. I'm going to try to be more aware of little things like this as far as diet. Do you buy organic? Why or why not?
I'm also going to try to be better about sleeping. It's easy for me to stay up all night and read, write or surf the net. But sleep is one of the most important parts of the life cycle, and not getting enough could be detrimental.--Who knew? Instead of pulling so many all-nighters, I've decided to give my body a break and attempt to get 8 hours of sleep for the next month... We'll see how that goes! I'm not sure how many people I know who actually get that much sleep.
I've given up caffeine for the most part. I admit, I've snuck a cola here and there, but I'd say my headaches are proving my abstinence from the drug.
And the biggest thing that's been keeping me is the dentist. Well guess what?.. Wednesday is my big day to take care of that! I've been worried if I was pregnant any time before that the Novocaine I'm sure I'll need probably wouldn't be good for my growing spawn.
And on a sort of side note... Have you heard of Feng Shui? It's confusing but fun to read about at the same time. For instance... I have no idea the best place to put the bed since it's like a loose loose the way my room is positioned, however I'm not making up my bed again every morning, so I have a neat, and calmer bed to get into at night. There was a section on that in Fully Fertile too, I found it intriguing.
I know people are probbaly reading all of this and thinking I'm crazy. Probably saying to themselves I should "just have fun" at first. And I completely understand that. But I think it's hard to relax when in the back of your mind you know what the goal is. I will say though, at this point, I'm doing more of this research for fun an education rather than out of fear or paranoia. That's progress right?
As far as all the tracking goes, I'm still doing the BBT readings, however last month they totally screwed me up. I thought my cycle was going to be like 40 days cause my temperatures never went up but I was spot on around day 28 again. SO... Knowing that it has pretty much been that way since April, when I went off hormonal birth control--give or take a day or two-- I'm not going to stress about it the next few months. I mean... If you have regular cycles, isn't that kind of a good sign?
Just for fun, I'll try to see if I can figure out the big "O" day, and see if it's consistent, so I can possibly plan a baby makin' moon kick off... But we'll see. Am I going overboard? Ok, but really, women who want to get pregnant... How much planing are you doing? And to women who have gotten pregnant--How did you do it?--No, I mean, with food and sleep and all that good stuff, did you pay attention to all of that?
On another side note... It's the 4th of July! Happy
Independence Day my friends! I hope you're having a wonderful time with those you love! I made this cake... Aren't you loving how domestic I have become? Ok I admit... I was running a little late so hubs baked it for me... But I decorated it!***
PS: The winner of my "Labor Fascination" post giveaway with the wonderful birth coach Karen Angstadt from Intentional Birth is #54 Nichole from Scorpion Sojourn. I also love her blog "Smothered in Motherness" But it's private :) She's expecting her first baby and is 22 weeks along so this is PERFECT for her! Congrats! Email me and I'll get you in touch with Karen for your free hour session! 
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The Distance Dilemma
With a family vacation including a family reunion on the cusp of my plans, it has me thinking a lot about how close is too close and how far is too far.Growing up I didn't live close to cousins. Not that it made much of a difference, my eldest cousin is 10 years younger than me.
My grandmother and grandfather did live close for awhile. My grandmother lived just a city away from us in Georgia, I remember visiting her place, and her being there for my first day of Kindergarten, sometimes she'd pick me up from school. I imagine that must have been nice for my mom. But she and my grandfather moved West when I was still in elementary school.
My husband had the opposite experience. Most of his live he lived in the same county as most of his cousins. They all grew up together and had family get-togethers often.
When I first met his extended family--Exactly five years ago, it was quite overwhelming. It seemed like millions of screaming kids were
I was never really turned on to the idea of living that close to so much family. Siblings and parents--Sure. But being an earshot away from a millions cousins? I wasn't so sure. After living near that for a few years, and now being away from that while thinking of having kids I'm getting a little sad thinking that our kids won't be near any of their grandparents.
Will my kids not get the same spoiling our siblings will because we live further away? Who will we trust to babysit our child? Will being too close be smothering? Will the benefits actually outweigh the downsides to the location?
I wouldn't want to put the burden of watching our kids on anyone who doesn't want to... But I imagine family wouldn't mind as much as others. Especially not grandparents.
I do believe there is such a thing as "too close." But that hasn't ever been a problem I worry too much about. Living a few hours away is nice because you're close enough for weekend trips, but gar enough away to avoid the "drop in."
I often find myself wondering if it's worth it to move closer to family to get those benefits, or if we'll make our own close friends--Like family, wherever we are, and have the same bond. Besides... I wasn't close to my family most of my life, and I made it just fine.
What do you think? Do you live close to family? Why or why not?
***
The week of a 6th I'll have a giveaway a day. I'm still working out the details but right now I have more than 20 sponsors. I'm hoping to get about 25, so if you know of someone who has a small business or makes things they'd like to have promoted here, have them holla at me at babymakingmachine{at}gmail.com.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
The Big Goal
I feel like I have so much to say and I haven't said it for fear of changing my mind, not sure if it was going to pull through, and other reasons, but I've decided to just LET IT ALL OUT today!First off, I want to add a disclaimer to those who know me in real life (99% of you can probably skip down two paragraphs). "What happens on Baby Makin' Machine, STAYS on Baby Makin' Machine." And I'm not just talking about copyright issues or plagiarism. No, as far as I know I haven not fallen victim to this. I'm talking about what I'm saying here. Yes, I know it's a public blog and anyone who wants to read can read it, but I'd like to keep it at that.
Got a question? Ask me in the comments section, or in an email, I'd be more than happy to write a post answering it. I write about these things because it is easier to write about than talk about.
I wanted to get all of that out of the way before I said this. After six months of having this blog, going back and forth on when to try to have a baby. Debating whether or not I'm willing to sacrifice sleep. Getting off of hormonal birth control:...
I'VE SET A DATE!
See that switch at the top? Well my mental picture of my baby makin' machine switch looks a little like that and I've set a date to switch it on. I wasn't planning on blogging about it because I always thought when I turned my baby makin' machine "on" I'd want to keep it secret so everyone is surprised when they find out I'm with-spawn. Well, after much contemplation I've decided I will write about it, because it not only is a part of my journey but a HUGE part. And I think so many women are going through the same thing and hopefully what I go through, and what I learn can be helpful to them--AND women who have been through what I'm going through can share their tips--Yay!!
As for the date--Well, I said it first yesterday on Conceive Online. Oh yea, did I mention I'm the magazine's newest blogger? Check it out. If I'm not open enough here... You'll get all of the dirty details there. And join the "My Conceive" community and show your support for me there! The website was EXACTLY in my ballpark. I've never seen a more helpful site/magazine for where I am right now. It's ALL inclusive helpful information on before AND during TTC. The blog's name (which hubby helped me choose) is "Ready or Not."
But like I've said... The date... August or September. That's when I'm planning turning my baby makin' machine "on". I have been known to change my mind before--In fact, I didn't even blog about my last two goals... May and June. I sorta chickened out. Plus, there are a few things I'm trying to get done first.--For one, I'm going to the dentist again to get my cavities filled. I'm doing that in a few weeks. But this time, hubby and I are both working for this goal and feeling good about it. So I'm hopeful and planning on pulling through this time. I'll have been off hormonal birth control and taking prenatals or five months, and I've already for hubby hooked up with vitamins... Someone told me Zinc is somethin' a guy's gotta have so I went out and bought him some vitamins the next day. I'm hoping once I kick the machine into action it works, and that it isn't broken, but I'm taking steps to help with that too.
If you read this post last week, you'll know I've been a little nervous about being able to produce a baby. I mean... I haven't gotten pregnant on birth control and it seems like so many of my friends HAVE! I've also talked about my fear of turning into a Sex Natzi. Now that I know the rules to making a baby, and what helps, I plan to follow them to the best of my abilities to make a baby FAST.
In consequence to that, I know that can cause added stress and can cancel some of my progress. SO... I've decided to do something that will help lower stress, help with fertility AND cross something off my Baby Bucket List all at the same time... I'm going to try FERTILITY YOGA!
Cool, no? I have tried meditation once before, but never anything like this. I've been in touch with the wonderful women of Pulling Down the Moon, and (hopefully next month) I'll be starting a fertility yoga class here in Austin, and learn exercises I can do to help stimulate fertility, while lower my stress-level in the process.
I started reading Fully Fertile. Their book. It's a 12-week process to achieve optimum fertility. 
I'm suppose to read the entire book before starting the process, and I'm hoping to just be completing the process the same time I switch my machine "on."
I just finished reading the first section about breathing and yoga positions. I am DYING to get to it! I also read some good tips about good exercise and what's "too much." And another good cleansing tip I learned that I am SO starting ASAP is to drink a thermos-full of warm water and lemon daily. I don't normally like water with lemon but I think it'll be a fun experiment knowing it could help a little with getting ready for baby makin'! I'm also hoping to learn a lot more about good nutrition, healthy living, and things like that while reading this book.--I'll keep you updated on it!
I know a lot of people would see something like this and think that it's for people dealing with infertility.. And I thought that at first too, but then I realized that something like this is perfect for someone who is trying to get ready to have a baby. I know for some people it's just easy to do the freaky-deek and get pregnant, but for other's it takes work. I also know a lot of women who are going through "baby fever" and aren't sure what to do with themselves while they wait to finish school, or for their husbands to come around, or to accomplish a certain goal... I think stuff like this is great to do while you're passing the time.
I've said before that I don't think I'll have the "in-between" stage of "not trying, not preventing." In my eyes I either want to have a child, or I don't. And when I'm not preventing anymore I'm going to be trying to get pregnant.
I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, but I'm going to do some experiments the next few months. I'm going to try to do everything I can so I can get it right the first time. Worth a try right? We'll see! I will try my best NOT to be disappointed though if it doesn't happen right away--I can't control EVERYTHING. So I'm going to try not to stress in my planning, but have FUN in my planning. Make sense?
I'm going to be blogging about fertility yoga, and a lot more things I'm trying, reading, and experimenting with. I'm surprised by seeing the results of my poll, and seeing that so many future mama's like myself are reading my blog! It's nice to know I'm not in this boat alone... And I have lots of great stuff for future mamas and other women looking to make additional babies. I'm so excited for this commitment I'm making and the turn this blog is taking.
Hopefully this will not only continue my detailed diary, but also be helpful for others. So stay tuned for updates! And let the countdown begin!
Any advice?
***
To my real-life friends: If you read my blog--Thank you! But if you're a member of my family or a co-worker, I'd appreciate if my writings stayed with you and didn't become family/newsroom gossip. I only say this because I think sometimes things can get misconstrued, and all of a sudden, just because I want a baby one day, or have a dream about my child the next, I'm all of a sudden the "kid obsessed" person, or being asked if we're "trying to make a baby" in places I'd probably prefer not to talk about it. Sure, I'm an open person, and I'd be more than happy to talk with you about it in private.--I like to keep this blog (and my blog Twitter account) as my ONLY "public" forum. Thanks!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The Premature Breakdown
I don't know what it was or where it came from, but the conversation of "when"--The official goal-setting timetable of what we want accomplished first and when we hope my Baby Makin' Machine will officially switch "ON"--also turned on the knobs to my water works.I've always been a big crier, so normally my sudden tears wouldn't surprise my husband too much, but this time it only confused him.
Him: "You're worried you're what?"
Me: *Sniffles*
Him: ???!
Me: "That I'm infertile!!"
Him: "What?!" (tries to stifle a laugh)
Me: "DON'T LAUGH AT ME!"
Him: "Well don't you think it's a little early to be worried about that?"
Me: "I don't know... All of my friends are getting pregnant on accident, and we've been married four and a half years and that hasn't happened to us!"
Him: "So you're worried because your birth control hasn't failed?" (tries to hide a smile)
Me: "Ye--No!"
Him: (Obviously laughing) "You are worried you're infertile because the birth control is doing what it's suppose to do?"
Me: "I don't know!"
Him: "Don't worry about that, it'll all work out. But if you are going to worry about it, at least wait until we're not trying to not get pregnant."
I had thought about it before but never had the worry hit me like I let it this time. We had a serious conversation about "whatifs"-- Though quite early, and probably unnecessary, it was nice to get it all out and talk about options and solutions beforehand.
Unfortunately, we're not the type who will have an in-between period where we'll "not try, not prevent." Both of us are a little too controlling to do that. We either want it or we don't--There's not really anything in-between about it.
Planning so much has really made me think I'm going to be a nutcase when it's time to rock and roll, and I worry that will prohibit me from achieving the ultimate goal...Actually, based on what I've read, I'm pretty sure it will. Getting all of this out made me think I'll be able to be calm and just let things happen. And while I still sometimes worry and think about and try to plan a step ahead of the "whatifs" I've decided to cross that bridge when I actually get there--Even through it's scary not knowing what's on the other side of that bridge.
Are you or were you ever worried about this?--Is it a normal woman thing?
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The Theory
Asking the question of timing when it comes to having kids brings up a whole bundle of answers varying from "You should have a kid RIGHT NOW! It's the BEST thing in the entire world" to "DON'T DO IT!" I posted a question on this new website I found called MamaSource. It's basically a Wiki-like thing but for mom questions. I saw a lot of questions there about pregnancy and potty training, but one question I didn't see is a question I constantly have looming in my mind... 'What am I going to wish I had know before I become a mother?'
So I posed the question, and in less than 24 hours I had more than 40 responses. I was BLOWN AWAY. Really. By the variety of responses but how helpful, and thought provoking they were.
...So I have this new theory defining the type of people who have kids and when. Based on the responses I received there, and many comments I've read here on my blog, I'm thinking there's a huge perspective difference in people who are very religious and those who aren't. Most of the comments I get here that encourage me to take the leap I think come from people who are either LDS, or devout in their religion and have a strong belief in family bonds. Not saying that people who suggest I wait aren't religious, I just think some adamant religious people aren't as focused on careers, money, and things as much as others.
It also seems like a lot of the mom videos I watch on things like Momversations, with moms who seem to be "complaining" sometimes wish they had waited longer... I don't see many LDS people on those type of sites. Why do you think that is? Maybe since people who don't drink and "party" don't feel like they have much to give up? Or is it just that our religion focuses SO much on family, that it's not taken for granted as much?
What do you think? I'm really curious to know what makes some people wish they had waited longer, and others happy they had kids young. It could come down to personality, but I think it's more than that. I think I'm seeing a correlation here--I think I'm on to something, and I'm really wondering what "category" I'd fall into. I'm torn because I am very career-driven, but at the same time I often find myself thinking how I'd love to run away to the jungle and just have my family--That's all I want. I feel like I'm split between two worlds, but working in a cut-throat business that would leave me behind in a second once it got word I was lacking commitment--Putting my family first. So many people lose their families doing what I do and I'm not willing to let that happen.
I'm not sure how long the questions stay posted and I want to remember some of these answers forever so I'm going to post them all here. Forgive me for the long list sure to follow, feel free to scroll past to tell me where you stand or what you think of my theory. I'll color code the advice by people who "suggest waiting" or wish they had in red and people who say "go for it" or enjoy being younger parents in blue. Those in-between or that I can't classify I'll make purple. I know there's A TON of answers, but in there, there's a lot of advice for future mamas, so if you're debating like me, or looking for some words of wisdom, things they wish they new beforehand, and book suggestions etc. you may like to set aside some time to read them sometime!
Obviously deciding when the best time for me is my decision but it's sometimes nice to hear a mother's hindsight.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Question:
Is there anything you wish you had done beforehand? Anything you had wish you had known before "going down the road of no return?." Any advice you'd give to a Future Mama like myself? I sometimes feel like I'm ready but then I'm worried I'll wish I have waited longer later. Did you ever feel this way?
A little about me:
I'm 23, I've been married for about 4.5 years. I'm really thinking I'm about ready for a baby but I'm constantly back and forth, worried that once I become a mom I'm ALWAYS a mom. I don't drink or party or travel that much, we're pretty much homebodies, I'm just worried I'll never be able to overcome this fear of the permanency of motherhood! Ahhh, help!
Answers:
From: Umber
What I wish I had known is that the feelings you are having are perfectly normal and very very sane things to wonder.
Motherhood is forever and it is scarey and a total blessing at the same time. You'll never sleep again and if you do you'll feel good and guilty at the same time! You will never in your life know a greater joy nor a greater love than that of/ for your children. Nor will you ever have a more taxing and tiring job. And no matter how bad a day goes you will be very moved by how wonderful they are as soon as they fall asleep. :)
I had my kiddos much later than you but the feelings were the same. It is good to be realistic about how hard it is going to be. The surprise is just how wonderful it all is. You aren't going to believe how much love you will have in your life.
Congratulations! You're going to do fine!
From: Julianna W
I waited until I was in my 30's, I have no regrets about that. I totally enjoyed my freedom. I had an education behind me and a good career, I can't imagine doing it differently; except I wish I would of traveled. Also, I wish I would of known that you can't expect grandparents to actually offer to take care of kids on weekends like on TV. That just might not be the case.
***
From: Rosie P
Hi Jennifer, What a smart question to ask! I dealt w/ that question for seven years before my husband and I finally made the BIG decision this past February and now we are expecting our first child this Thanksgiving :-) I still have many questions on parenting although I've read books and articles such as "Parenting for Dummies" and "Your Child's Self-Esteem" but I understand every child is different. My advice to you is to PAY ALL YOUR DEBTS OFF (mortgage is an exception). My husband and I can honestly appreciate and enjoy our pregnancy without the pressures and tensions of financial instability. It took us two years to pay off $27,000 (car note, student loan, several credit cards) but there is no feeling like that of having an actual savings and having peace of mind that i can quit my job if need be to care for our child. Like many postings have mentioned- you are very young and have much time to make this BIG decision. Just take care of your financial responsibilities while you can BEFORE babies come along. I wish you and your husband the best no matter what you both choose. Good Luck! Oh, one last thing, if you still feel unsure if you want children- practice with animals first! Caring for an animal can be quite a task. We practiced w/ THREE and they are all a little spoiled. :-)
***
From: Kimberly NSo I posed the question, and in less than 24 hours I had more than 40 responses. I was BLOWN AWAY. Really. By the variety of responses but how helpful, and thought provoking they were.
...So I have this new theory defining the type of people who have kids and when. Based on the responses I received there, and many comments I've read here on my blog, I'm thinking there's a huge perspective difference in people who are very religious and those who aren't. Most of the comments I get here that encourage me to take the leap I think come from people who are either LDS, or devout in their religion and have a strong belief in family bonds. Not saying that people who suggest I wait aren't religious, I just think some adamant religious people aren't as focused on careers, money, and things as much as others.
It also seems like a lot of the mom videos I watch on things like Momversations, with moms who seem to be "complaining" sometimes wish they had waited longer... I don't see many LDS people on those type of sites. Why do you think that is? Maybe since people who don't drink and "party" don't feel like they have much to give up? Or is it just that our religion focuses SO much on family, that it's not taken for granted as much?
What do you think? I'm really curious to know what makes some people wish they had waited longer, and others happy they had kids young. It could come down to personality, but I think it's more than that. I think I'm seeing a correlation here--I think I'm on to something, and I'm really wondering what "category" I'd fall into. I'm torn because I am very career-driven, but at the same time I often find myself thinking how I'd love to run away to the jungle and just have my family--That's all I want. I feel like I'm split between two worlds, but working in a cut-throat business that would leave me behind in a second once it got word I was lacking commitment--Putting my family first. So many people lose their families doing what I do and I'm not willing to let that happen.
I'm not sure how long the questions stay posted and I want to remember some of these answers forever so I'm going to post them all here. Forgive me for the long list sure to follow, feel free to scroll past to tell me where you stand or what you think of my theory. I'll color code the advice by people who "suggest waiting" or wish they had in red and people who say "go for it" or enjoy being younger parents in blue. Those in-between or that I can't classify I'll make purple. I know there's A TON of answers, but in there, there's a lot of advice for future mamas, so if you're debating like me, or looking for some words of wisdom, things they wish they new beforehand, and book suggestions etc. you may like to set aside some time to read them sometime!
Obviously deciding when the best time for me is my decision but it's sometimes nice to hear a mother's hindsight.
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My Question:
Is there anything you wish you had done beforehand? Anything you had wish you had known before "going down the road of no return?." Any advice you'd give to a Future Mama like myself? I sometimes feel like I'm ready but then I'm worried I'll wish I have waited longer later. Did you ever feel this way?
A little about me:
I'm 23, I've been married for about 4.5 years. I'm really thinking I'm about ready for a baby but I'm constantly back and forth, worried that once I become a mom I'm ALWAYS a mom. I don't drink or party or travel that much, we're pretty much homebodies, I'm just worried I'll never be able to overcome this fear of the permanency of motherhood! Ahhh, help!
Answers:
From: Umber
What I wish I had known is that the feelings you are having are perfectly normal and very very sane things to wonder.
Motherhood is forever and it is scarey and a total blessing at the same time. You'll never sleep again and if you do you'll feel good and guilty at the same time! You will never in your life know a greater joy nor a greater love than that of/ for your children. Nor will you ever have a more taxing and tiring job. And no matter how bad a day goes you will be very moved by how wonderful they are as soon as they fall asleep. :)
I had my kiddos much later than you but the feelings were the same. It is good to be realistic about how hard it is going to be. The surprise is just how wonderful it all is. You aren't going to believe how much love you will have in your life.
Congratulations! You're going to do fine!
From: Julianna W
I waited until I was in my 30's, I have no regrets about that. I totally enjoyed my freedom. I had an education behind me and a good career, I can't imagine doing it differently; except I wish I would of traveled. Also, I wish I would of known that you can't expect grandparents to actually offer to take care of kids on weekends like on TV. That just might not be the case.
***
From: Rosie P
Hi Jennifer, What a smart question to ask! I dealt w/ that question for seven years before my husband and I finally made the BIG decision this past February and now we are expecting our first child this Thanksgiving :-) I still have many questions on parenting although I've read books and articles such as "Parenting for Dummies" and "Your Child's Self-Esteem" but I understand every child is different. My advice to you is to PAY ALL YOUR DEBTS OFF (mortgage is an exception). My husband and I can honestly appreciate and enjoy our pregnancy without the pressures and tensions of financial instability. It took us two years to pay off $27,000 (car note, student loan, several credit cards) but there is no feeling like that of having an actual savings and having peace of mind that i can quit my job if need be to care for our child. Like many postings have mentioned- you are very young and have much time to make this BIG decision. Just take care of your financial responsibilities while you can BEFORE babies come along. I wish you and your husband the best no matter what you both choose. Good Luck! Oh, one last thing, if you still feel unsure if you want children- practice with animals first! Caring for an animal can be quite a task. We practiced w/ THREE and they are all a little spoiled. :-)
***
After you become a mom your life isn't your own anymore. You hardly get any sleep and don't get much free time for yourself anymore. Your kids needs come before anything you need or want. So I'd wait a few years and enjoy your life and your freedom.
***From: Elizabeth S
If only I could go back without a child for one day. I have wanted kids my whole life. I got married at 21 and got pregnant right away. Unfortunatly, we lost that baby. I got pregnant again at 23 and lost that one too. We finally got pregnant when I was 25 and I now have a beautiful 2 year old girl. I am a sahm and I love my daughter so much. Sometimes I wish I would have waited a little longer though. There is no sleeping late. No going anywhere by yourself. (not even to the bathroom) I didn't go out either, but now I am wishing I would have. This motherhood is way harder than I thought. I really don't have anytime with the hubby until she goes to sleep and by then we are both exhausted. I would take another year or two and just enjoy each other. Go on vacations, enjoy movies and what ever else YOU want to do. Motherhood is the best job I have ever had, and it is a love that I have never felt before, but it is totally different than I expected. Good luck with whatever you choose.
***If only I could go back without a child for one day. I have wanted kids my whole life. I got married at 21 and got pregnant right away. Unfortunatly, we lost that baby. I got pregnant again at 23 and lost that one too. We finally got pregnant when I was 25 and I now have a beautiful 2 year old girl. I am a sahm and I love my daughter so much. Sometimes I wish I would have waited a little longer though. There is no sleeping late. No going anywhere by yourself. (not even to the bathroom) I didn't go out either, but now I am wishing I would have. This motherhood is way harder than I thought. I really don't have anytime with the hubby until she goes to sleep and by then we are both exhausted. I would take another year or two and just enjoy each other. Go on vacations, enjoy movies and what ever else YOU want to do. Motherhood is the best job I have ever had, and it is a love that I have never felt before, but it is totally different than I expected. Good luck with whatever you choose.
From: Amy B
At 23, you are lucky--you still have lots of time. So, I'd say wait for another few years, because you're not sure about the permanency of it. So, my suggestion is to do more come-and-go activities. Go places at the drop of a hat. One night before kids, we were watching SNL, saw a Taco Bell commercial at 11:45 PM, then hopped in the car and went to Taco Bell. Do all the spontaneous stuff you can now, and get it out of your system, because once you have sleeping kids at night, you won't be able to make fun midnight runs to Taco Bell together anymore! Plan some little trips last minute. We went camping when we were waiting for our adoption, and it was a good bonding experience because we HAD to spend our time together.
Go to movies! Go to lots of movies! R-rated movies! That is so hard to do after you have kids because, at least while I was a SAHM, babysitters were definitely not in our budget. Then once your kids are old enough, you'll only be seeing kid movies.
Have tons of fun now, and when you have a baby in a few years, you'll have no regrets.
From: Wanda C
Great question. The most important thing I've learned is that it doesn't have to change a thing unless you want it too. We travel more now thann we ever did before, only now, I get to show DD all of these wonderful things too. She once told my mother that Mommy and Daddy don't give her things, the give her memories.- Proudest moment of my life. I've been able to go back to school fulltime, because being a mom makes mee slow down. My school work keeps me sane. (Yes, friends, this is me "sane.") We were together for 5 years before marriage and started trying for our DD as soon as we came home from our honeymoon. I was 23 when I had her...5 Years later, I wouldn't change a thing.--most days. ;) You will know when it is right for you. --- OH, one thing no one will tell you that I really wish I had known...your pre-pregnancy shoes will NEVER fit again. I had the best shoe collection. Got pregnant-feet swelled- bones shifted- no amount of weight loss will ever get me back in those shoes. Someone at a women's shelter in Indiana hit the jackpot. I wear flip-flops now. (tear) ;) *** ETA after you update. Very few people are ever 100% ready. We tried for 6 months and then thought, "OK, it isn't going to happen anytime soon." Quit my job and got pregnant the day I left my very well paying job for a much more dangerous, less paying, but more rewarding job, and I got a dog. I immediatly found a much better, and safer job than the first and DH took the dog over, because he made me sick. Most of the people that have responded said they would have waited longer. I'm not saying you should do it now, but if you try to wait until you are 100% sure, you may be too late or have to spend 1,000's for fertility treatments, or adoption. Take your time, but watch that clock too. I know that I didn't want to be 50+ and have a child in high school. That might work for some, but our plans have us sailing around the world as empty-nesters at 50.
From: Allison O
It's OK to ask for help. No one expects you to be a super mom all the time. (I wish I had learned that a lot sooner) Don't let anyone tell you that you are too young. I had my first at 22, 2nd and 23 and 3rd at 25 and wouldn't change a darn thing. I don't think you are ever 100% ready for the new baby, but you do have to be 100% ready to let go of your old life and enbrace the new...and all it's wonderful craziness.
From: Jamie F
Something I wish I knew..... It took us soo long to get pregnant that when it happend it was magival, my pregnancy was wonderful and so when my son came, I imagined it just the same, angelic and wonderful. That was my biggest mistake, it was not all grins and giggles. It was really tough! Not all the time, but when he cried and I couldn't tell why, or waking up at 9,12,3,6, repeat..... It was tough. I wish someone would have sat me down and explained that I wouldn't know everything, (regardless of the 12 years chilcare experience) and that I would have to figure out what my baby needed and it would be O.K. if I needed help. It would be O,K, not to be super mom.
Good luck to you, don't let my post scare you, Motherhood is wonderful!! I wouldn't trade it in for anything!
From: Stacy B
Wait until you're ready. I wasn't ready until I hit 30! at that time, I just KNEW. It's not just the permanence of it. You will have to adapt your life. A lot of people say you change who you are, but you don't have to - you have to incorporate your kids into your life instead, which is just as tricky. And the one thing I wish I had known - the whole baby part is the EASY part. They're portable, they sleep a lot, you eventually figure them out. It's when they're 2, and 3, and 4, etc that it gets hard. I figured if I could make it through the first few weeks of sleepless nights and constant nursing I'd be ok. Hah! So wrong.
***
From: Laurel SAt 23, you are lucky--you still have lots of time. So, I'd say wait for another few years, because you're not sure about the permanency of it. So, my suggestion is to do more come-and-go activities. Go places at the drop of a hat. One night before kids, we were watching SNL, saw a Taco Bell commercial at 11:45 PM, then hopped in the car and went to Taco Bell. Do all the spontaneous stuff you can now, and get it out of your system, because once you have sleeping kids at night, you won't be able to make fun midnight runs to Taco Bell together anymore! Plan some little trips last minute. We went camping when we were waiting for our adoption, and it was a good bonding experience because we HAD to spend our time together.
Go to movies! Go to lots of movies! R-rated movies! That is so hard to do after you have kids because, at least while I was a SAHM, babysitters were definitely not in our budget. Then once your kids are old enough, you'll only be seeing kid movies.
Have tons of fun now, and when you have a baby in a few years, you'll have no regrets.
From: Wanda C
Great question. The most important thing I've learned is that it doesn't have to change a thing unless you want it too. We travel more now thann we ever did before, only now, I get to show DD all of these wonderful things too. She once told my mother that Mommy and Daddy don't give her things, the give her memories.- Proudest moment of my life. I've been able to go back to school fulltime, because being a mom makes mee slow down. My school work keeps me sane. (Yes, friends, this is me "sane.") We were together for 5 years before marriage and started trying for our DD as soon as we came home from our honeymoon. I was 23 when I had her...5 Years later, I wouldn't change a thing.--most days. ;) You will know when it is right for you. --- OH, one thing no one will tell you that I really wish I had known...your pre-pregnancy shoes will NEVER fit again. I had the best shoe collection. Got pregnant-feet swelled- bones shifted- no amount of weight loss will ever get me back in those shoes. Someone at a women's shelter in Indiana hit the jackpot. I wear flip-flops now. (tear) ;) *** ETA after you update. Very few people are ever 100% ready. We tried for 6 months and then thought, "OK, it isn't going to happen anytime soon." Quit my job and got pregnant the day I left my very well paying job for a much more dangerous, less paying, but more rewarding job, and I got a dog. I immediatly found a much better, and safer job than the first and DH took the dog over, because he made me sick. Most of the people that have responded said they would have waited longer. I'm not saying you should do it now, but if you try to wait until you are 100% sure, you may be too late or have to spend 1,000's for fertility treatments, or adoption. Take your time, but watch that clock too. I know that I didn't want to be 50+ and have a child in high school. That might work for some, but our plans have us sailing around the world as empty-nesters at 50.
From: Allison O
It's OK to ask for help. No one expects you to be a super mom all the time. (I wish I had learned that a lot sooner) Don't let anyone tell you that you are too young. I had my first at 22, 2nd and 23 and 3rd at 25 and wouldn't change a darn thing. I don't think you are ever 100% ready for the new baby, but you do have to be 100% ready to let go of your old life and enbrace the new...and all it's wonderful craziness.
From: Jamie F
Something I wish I knew..... It took us soo long to get pregnant that when it happend it was magival, my pregnancy was wonderful and so when my son came, I imagined it just the same, angelic and wonderful. That was my biggest mistake, it was not all grins and giggles. It was really tough! Not all the time, but when he cried and I couldn't tell why, or waking up at 9,12,3,6, repeat..... It was tough. I wish someone would have sat me down and explained that I wouldn't know everything, (regardless of the 12 years chilcare experience) and that I would have to figure out what my baby needed and it would be O.K. if I needed help. It would be O,K, not to be super mom.
Good luck to you, don't let my post scare you, Motherhood is wonderful!! I wouldn't trade it in for anything!
From: Stacy B
Wait until you're ready. I wasn't ready until I hit 30! at that time, I just KNEW. It's not just the permanence of it. You will have to adapt your life. A lot of people say you change who you are, but you don't have to - you have to incorporate your kids into your life instead, which is just as tricky. And the one thing I wish I had known - the whole baby part is the EASY part. They're portable, they sleep a lot, you eventually figure them out. It's when they're 2, and 3, and 4, etc that it gets hard. I figured if I could make it through the first few weeks of sleepless nights and constant nursing I'd be ok. Hah! So wrong.
***
There are so many things that I wish that I had done differently. I feel sorry for my oldest daughter, because she was the guinea pig. For one thing, I should have been more patient with her, although she is such a good girl now that I guess she's no worse for wear. Also, instead of insisting that my husband get out and get a job, I worked my tush off, barely seeing my children for several years. It was a horrible experience. I should have been willing to just let us be shamefully poor until he got the hint and got to work. Now he works, I stay home, and life is much better, but there were a LOT of wasted years.
***From: T B
Something my Mother in law tells me..."Not to decide is to decide". If you aren't sure just wait.
What I wish someone had told me was how hard it was going to be at first. All the adjusting to the new baby and how the relationship changes with DH.
What I wish I had done before having kids...travel more, done more as a couple, just basically experience life a little more. I was in my late 20's, I wish I had waited at least a couple of years.
You are so young, I would try to accomplish your goals as a person before having a little one.
From: Lynnette B
I wish I'd known how much having children would change me as a person, and how that would affect my relationship with my husband. I'd always been a fairly ambitious 'career woman.' I married young (21) but then finished college and started working in the corporate world, moving up fairly quickly. My dh had always said that my ambition and career goals were a big part of what attracted him to me in the first place. I had my first child at 30, and suddenly, ambition went out the window--all I wanted to do was spend time with my baby and be the one to raise her. My husband was totally shocked. He thought I'd get over it as she got older but I really never did. I stayed home as long as I could, then went back to work part-time until she was a year. When I had to go back full-time after that I was miserable. I finally quit my job when my 2nd was born and I haven't worked full-time since (my oldest is now 12). It took a really, really long time and a lot of effort to make our marriage work after I had this big change of heart about what was important to me. DH seemed to lose some of his respect for me. He completely stopped helping around the house and I felt like the maid. We still sometimes have issues--my youngest is 4 and we talk about having me go back to work when she starts kinder, but then we start thinking about all of the kids' after-school activities and what they'd have to give up and how in the world we'd get them to the places they CAN'T give up (like relgious school), and it starts to seem like I'll NEVER go back and he gets frustrated all over again. So, that's a very long story, but the point is that sometimes the changes that motherhood brings can be a bit shocking and can have a big impact on all areas of your life, and you have to be ready for that. I've known other women who were the opposite of me...always thought they just wanted to be a mommy and nothing else, then the babies came and they went nuts and couldn't stand being home. The best-laid plans can always go awry...you just don't know what's going to happen until it's happening! I think you'll be a great mom, just realize that there will be changes and you and your husband BOTH need to be able to roll with it. Good luck!
From: Tisha E
first of all, your only 23!! if your having a hard time deciding right now, then wait a little. there's no rush....it is ok to wait. secondly--don't be afraid of motherhood when it comes. the way you feel when your pregnant--priceless(i'm talking about that little critter kicking inside) the way you feel when you give birth--priceless..the way you feel when you hold your baby and not want to put them down just because they are sleeping cuz they look so sweet... priceless...the list goes on and on...but take your time you are still young..
From: Rebecca
The funny thing is, once you have a baby, you will really not remember what life was like before. Everything is different, but it all falls into place. Sure, it is hard (anyone who tells you otherwise is a lying). My babies were "suprises" (we were using protection , so don't think you won't be suprised too;)). Good luck and just the fact that you are thinking this far ahead probably means you would be a good parent.
From: Stephanie S
Just make sure you and your husband are ready...Then go for it and enjoy ALL of it-even the bad parts. It goes by sooooo fast before you know it you will be like me with a 19 year old in college who is 6' 5" who you still think of as your baby. I have to admit my kids are pretty awesome and when there were rough times we always just worked thru them to get over it. We have always been a family who did everything together even the rodeo weekend life. You cant be afraid to take your kids with you everywhere you go-its much better than being seperated from them. Just Enjoy It!
From: Christina T
Jennifer, My advice may not really help, I was 18 when I got pregnant for the first time 20 for the second. I am not really a "free" spirit but I believe things DO happen for a reason. What I wish I had known or done beforehand would fill BOOKS!! But in hindsight, I would not change a thing. The things I don’t know may still fill a book, but the things I have learned fill my heart to overflowing. Yes its easer to travel with out children, go to school, find yourself, but who you are changes anyway when you become a parent. I can’t say I regret a single thing. LOL reading back on this its not advice at all. Be happy with you as a single person and you as 1/2 of a couple.
From: A M
Hello! Great question. I got married at 26 and had my son at 31. My hubby is 5 years older than me. He's military and we lived in Germany for 4 years so we were able to travel extensively. I feel very blessed to have had this time because we wouldn't have traveled like that with our little one. I always thought I wanted to be a mom, but wasn't sure I was ready. We had always said we'd start our family when we moved back. So even though I wasn't sure, we proceeded with that plan. We were blessed to get prego while my hubby was home on R and R for two weeks. I lived alone for 7 months of my pregnancy and made a transatlantic move with 3 dogs. My husband made it home safe and sound 3 weeks before our son was born. I wasn't sure we were really ready until I heard my little one cry for the first time. I was concerned about my patience level, but it's like you are blessed with an infinite reserve of patience for your child. I definitely agree with the posters who said you should trust your instincts. People will give you so much unsolicited advice, but the truth is you know what's best for your child and your family. I wish I had known that I would be so overwhelmed with love for this tiny creature that other things that used to bother me would fade into oblivion. I also had no idea how scary the world would seem once I had my little one. I had no idea I could be so fulfilled spending the entire day entertaining my little one. Being his mama and being happily married to his papa is the most thrilling role I've ever had. You'll know when you're ready... Even if you're unsure. Trust your gut. The things I didn't know that I might've prepared for better is my lack of time. I spend all day with my little one, and have just a few minutes here and there to accomplish laundry, projects, etc. What used to take a few hours now takes me a few weeks. I don't mind that my life has slowed down... Also, I wish I had known not to be so judgmental. Being a mom is doing a thousand things you never thought you'd do. The other advice I have is if you're going to get a new car, take the car seat with a watermelon in it and practice getting it inane out before you buy. I thought the car we picked was perfect, but now that my little guy weighs 15 lbs, it's torture on my back getting him in and out... Totally worth it, though. Blessings to you and your hubby!
From: Karen B
Hi Jennifer-
I wish I had talked to my husband more about our expectations of parenthood and how we might handle different parenting issues (discipline, balancing our time, etc.). It's so much harder to find time to sit down and discuss these issues when you are in the middle of them. It's impossible to plan for everything that parenthood throws at you but if you and your husband can reach some sort of concensus on how you will handle the big things before the baby comes then you'll be off to a much smoother start than I was. When you're sleep deprived and stressed out from the children it's not a good time for your husband to say "I think you're handling this wrong, you should do...". By the way, my husband only made that mistake ONCE! (ha-ha).
Seriously, talk about everything you can think of ahead of time. Do you plan to work or stay at home? Regardless of your choice how do you see the household responsibilities getting divided up? Do you or your husband do anything that takes up a lot of your down time (golf, crafts, fishing, etc). These hobbies do NOT have to end but you will both have to be more thoughtful and aware of how much time these things might be taking up and cut back or plan these things together so that they do not cause a problem later.
As everyone else has said, it's a wonderful trip that has led to no regrets on my part.
Good luck, Karen
From: Brittany A
The only thing I was worried about was that I had not gotten to spend enough one on one time just being with my husband beforehand. A baby takes a lot of teamwork, and the stronger the team the better. You have been married 4.5 years, so I know you two will be just fine. Good Luck and Congrats!!! Babies bring such joy that nothing else will matter ( :
From: New Mama D
I always said I wanted to have my kids early, about 25, but that just wasn't in the big plans for me since my husband didn't come along until a couple years later. I am so glad for this, because we got to enjoy travel and get in a better place financially so that I didn't have to go back to work afterwards. I watched several of my friends have kids young and they didn't get to enjoy it as much as I am, because I feel they weren't mature and patient enough, but also because they were constantly struggling which put a huge strain on their marriages. Each and every persons situation is different though. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best in the world, because once you look into your little ones eyes, you realize that you have met the second love of your life! One thing I wish I would have done more was let my daughter sleep on my chest more. It was always so sweet and it doesn't take long for them to not want to be held like that anymore and you already miss it!!
From: Stacey B
Wow, that is a great question. I was 24 when I had my daughter and 28 when I had our son. My husband is 4 years older than me and was ready to start a family on our honeymoon! Yikes! However, our daughter was born the day before our second anniversary. She is now 20 and our son is 16. My husband and I have enjoyed our children and wouldn't change anything. I do like that I can sleep late! Jennifer, the love you feel for your child is overwhelming. There is absolutely NOTHING you wouldn't do for them. It's good that you are thinking about this. If the thought of being a parent didn't scare the crap out of you, I would be concerned! It's the hard job you will ever have and the most rewarding.
***
From: Laura WSomething my Mother in law tells me..."Not to decide is to decide". If you aren't sure just wait.
What I wish someone had told me was how hard it was going to be at first. All the adjusting to the new baby and how the relationship changes with DH.
What I wish I had done before having kids...travel more, done more as a couple, just basically experience life a little more. I was in my late 20's, I wish I had waited at least a couple of years.
You are so young, I would try to accomplish your goals as a person before having a little one.
From: Lynnette B
I wish I'd known how much having children would change me as a person, and how that would affect my relationship with my husband. I'd always been a fairly ambitious 'career woman.' I married young (21) but then finished college and started working in the corporate world, moving up fairly quickly. My dh had always said that my ambition and career goals were a big part of what attracted him to me in the first place. I had my first child at 30, and suddenly, ambition went out the window--all I wanted to do was spend time with my baby and be the one to raise her. My husband was totally shocked. He thought I'd get over it as she got older but I really never did. I stayed home as long as I could, then went back to work part-time until she was a year. When I had to go back full-time after that I was miserable. I finally quit my job when my 2nd was born and I haven't worked full-time since (my oldest is now 12). It took a really, really long time and a lot of effort to make our marriage work after I had this big change of heart about what was important to me. DH seemed to lose some of his respect for me. He completely stopped helping around the house and I felt like the maid. We still sometimes have issues--my youngest is 4 and we talk about having me go back to work when she starts kinder, but then we start thinking about all of the kids' after-school activities and what they'd have to give up and how in the world we'd get them to the places they CAN'T give up (like relgious school), and it starts to seem like I'll NEVER go back and he gets frustrated all over again. So, that's a very long story, but the point is that sometimes the changes that motherhood brings can be a bit shocking and can have a big impact on all areas of your life, and you have to be ready for that. I've known other women who were the opposite of me...always thought they just wanted to be a mommy and nothing else, then the babies came and they went nuts and couldn't stand being home. The best-laid plans can always go awry...you just don't know what's going to happen until it's happening! I think you'll be a great mom, just realize that there will be changes and you and your husband BOTH need to be able to roll with it. Good luck!
From: Tisha E
first of all, your only 23!! if your having a hard time deciding right now, then wait a little. there's no rush....it is ok to wait. secondly--don't be afraid of motherhood when it comes. the way you feel when your pregnant--priceless(i'm talking about that little critter kicking inside) the way you feel when you give birth--priceless..the way you feel when you hold your baby and not want to put them down just because they are sleeping cuz they look so sweet... priceless...the list goes on and on...but take your time you are still young..
From: Rebecca
The funny thing is, once you have a baby, you will really not remember what life was like before. Everything is different, but it all falls into place. Sure, it is hard (anyone who tells you otherwise is a lying). My babies were "suprises" (we were using protection , so don't think you won't be suprised too;)). Good luck and just the fact that you are thinking this far ahead probably means you would be a good parent.
From: Stephanie S
Just make sure you and your husband are ready...Then go for it and enjoy ALL of it-even the bad parts. It goes by sooooo fast before you know it you will be like me with a 19 year old in college who is 6' 5" who you still think of as your baby. I have to admit my kids are pretty awesome and when there were rough times we always just worked thru them to get over it. We have always been a family who did everything together even the rodeo weekend life. You cant be afraid to take your kids with you everywhere you go-its much better than being seperated from them. Just Enjoy It!
From: Christina T
Jennifer, My advice may not really help, I was 18 when I got pregnant for the first time 20 for the second. I am not really a "free" spirit but I believe things DO happen for a reason. What I wish I had known or done beforehand would fill BOOKS!! But in hindsight, I would not change a thing. The things I don’t know may still fill a book, but the things I have learned fill my heart to overflowing. Yes its easer to travel with out children, go to school, find yourself, but who you are changes anyway when you become a parent. I can’t say I regret a single thing. LOL reading back on this its not advice at all. Be happy with you as a single person and you as 1/2 of a couple.
From: A M
Hello! Great question. I got married at 26 and had my son at 31. My hubby is 5 years older than me. He's military and we lived in Germany for 4 years so we were able to travel extensively. I feel very blessed to have had this time because we wouldn't have traveled like that with our little one. I always thought I wanted to be a mom, but wasn't sure I was ready. We had always said we'd start our family when we moved back. So even though I wasn't sure, we proceeded with that plan. We were blessed to get prego while my hubby was home on R and R for two weeks. I lived alone for 7 months of my pregnancy and made a transatlantic move with 3 dogs. My husband made it home safe and sound 3 weeks before our son was born. I wasn't sure we were really ready until I heard my little one cry for the first time. I was concerned about my patience level, but it's like you are blessed with an infinite reserve of patience for your child. I definitely agree with the posters who said you should trust your instincts. People will give you so much unsolicited advice, but the truth is you know what's best for your child and your family. I wish I had known that I would be so overwhelmed with love for this tiny creature that other things that used to bother me would fade into oblivion. I also had no idea how scary the world would seem once I had my little one. I had no idea I could be so fulfilled spending the entire day entertaining my little one. Being his mama and being happily married to his papa is the most thrilling role I've ever had. You'll know when you're ready... Even if you're unsure. Trust your gut. The things I didn't know that I might've prepared for better is my lack of time. I spend all day with my little one, and have just a few minutes here and there to accomplish laundry, projects, etc. What used to take a few hours now takes me a few weeks. I don't mind that my life has slowed down... Also, I wish I had known not to be so judgmental. Being a mom is doing a thousand things you never thought you'd do. The other advice I have is if you're going to get a new car, take the car seat with a watermelon in it and practice getting it inane out before you buy. I thought the car we picked was perfect, but now that my little guy weighs 15 lbs, it's torture on my back getting him in and out... Totally worth it, though. Blessings to you and your hubby!
From: Karen B
Hi Jennifer-
I wish I had talked to my husband more about our expectations of parenthood and how we might handle different parenting issues (discipline, balancing our time, etc.). It's so much harder to find time to sit down and discuss these issues when you are in the middle of them. It's impossible to plan for everything that parenthood throws at you but if you and your husband can reach some sort of concensus on how you will handle the big things before the baby comes then you'll be off to a much smoother start than I was. When you're sleep deprived and stressed out from the children it's not a good time for your husband to say "I think you're handling this wrong, you should do...". By the way, my husband only made that mistake ONCE! (ha-ha).
Seriously, talk about everything you can think of ahead of time. Do you plan to work or stay at home? Regardless of your choice how do you see the household responsibilities getting divided up? Do you or your husband do anything that takes up a lot of your down time (golf, crafts, fishing, etc). These hobbies do NOT have to end but you will both have to be more thoughtful and aware of how much time these things might be taking up and cut back or plan these things together so that they do not cause a problem later.
As everyone else has said, it's a wonderful trip that has led to no regrets on my part.
Good luck, Karen
From: Brittany A
The only thing I was worried about was that I had not gotten to spend enough one on one time just being with my husband beforehand. A baby takes a lot of teamwork, and the stronger the team the better. You have been married 4.5 years, so I know you two will be just fine. Good Luck and Congrats!!! Babies bring such joy that nothing else will matter ( :
From: New Mama D
I always said I wanted to have my kids early, about 25, but that just wasn't in the big plans for me since my husband didn't come along until a couple years later. I am so glad for this, because we got to enjoy travel and get in a better place financially so that I didn't have to go back to work afterwards. I watched several of my friends have kids young and they didn't get to enjoy it as much as I am, because I feel they weren't mature and patient enough, but also because they were constantly struggling which put a huge strain on their marriages. Each and every persons situation is different though. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best in the world, because once you look into your little ones eyes, you realize that you have met the second love of your life! One thing I wish I would have done more was let my daughter sleep on my chest more. It was always so sweet and it doesn't take long for them to not want to be held like that anymore and you already miss it!!
From: Stacey B
Wow, that is a great question. I was 24 when I had my daughter and 28 when I had our son. My husband is 4 years older than me and was ready to start a family on our honeymoon! Yikes! However, our daughter was born the day before our second anniversary. She is now 20 and our son is 16. My husband and I have enjoyed our children and wouldn't change anything. I do like that I can sleep late! Jennifer, the love you feel for your child is overwhelming. There is absolutely NOTHING you wouldn't do for them. It's good that you are thinking about this. If the thought of being a parent didn't scare the crap out of you, I would be concerned! It's the hard job you will ever have and the most rewarding.
***
Sometimes I wish I'd traveled more or pursued a master's degree, or continued to sing in the choir (know a lot of mom's do this still but every time my nursing babe has been old enough for me to go back the energy of having a new baby has sucked this desire from me.) I can't make myself miss lullaby time. I read lofty books instead and travel with the family.
It's really easy to think of the sacrifices moms make and wonder, how can I do that. I will never have a life of my own. What I've discovered over the last 14 years of mothering is that this is life and it is so full of joy, energy and love (and trials) that I could never even wish to go back. It's nice to have children under foot in the home and I will miss it when they are grown. The past 14 years have gone at light speed, and there will be time to pursue other interests. Meanwhile the complexities of raising 6 different personalities (maybe I should add myself and my husband to that number :) make for very interesting days. Having one (or so at a time) allows the transition into mothering to be gradual...though when you get the soft sweet (screaming) little wee one up on your chest after you've given birth...you'll have no doubts about who you are and what you want to do. What a sweet place to be. Two more things: We had our first when we were married about 5 years and I was almost 26. When you have babies as a young woman, it is usually easier to conceive... though it took us 3 years. Your body bounces back easier, and you may not need a walker when you are traveling and enjoying life after baby. Just something to think about :)
From: Laurie A
We were married 10 years before we had our child... on purpose. She was planned and we were ready? As ready as we thought we could be.. We had been through rough patches in our marriage and had learned to communicate through counseling... We slept in as late as we wanted for an entire year... and then never slept in again until she was about 5.....
I wish I had known that there would be weeks, where my husband and I did not have a true adult conversation.... We would look into each others eyes across the room and just have to know what we were feeling, without words.
The other thing was I wish I had followed my own "mommy heart and gut", instead of listening to others, just because they were my elders.. (this only happened twice). I knew what the problem was, but because I was used to respecting elders, I did what they suggested and my daughter ended up in the hospital both times!
I am also really glad I married my best friend instead of a guy who would just be a good provider, cause now that our child is in college, I will be living alone with him for the rest of my life....
***
From: Amy W
Hi Jennifer, I just wanted to respond & tell you that there will always be things as a mom that you would like to do, but can't do, or can't easily do because you have a child. Whether it's something as simple as sleeping in on a Saturday or as big as going on a trip. The thing I think you should remember is that you are still very young. You have plenty of time to have children, so don't feel the need to rush it. Live a little more of your life with your husband & wait. Especially if you are unsure if you are ready. I know plenty of people who have had children at a young age, and plenty of people who waited. Once you have a child, your whole life really does change, and it's beyond wonderful, but it is a lot of work. I had my son when I was 2 weeks from my 31st birthday & there are still things that I wish I could do, but can't because it's just not that simple to get up & go do it anymore. He's the highlight of my life & I love him dearly, but I am glad I waited. Of course my friends who had children young are very happy & love their children, but some of them feel they missed out on a lot of their youth because of it. So, don't stress out about it. Just wait. You'll know when you truly feel the time is right. Best wishes!
From: Elizabeth H
Hi Jennifer! Being a young mom, to me, is such a HUGE advantage!!! My Mom had me at 20 and she is honestly my best friend and the person I go to for EVERYTHING!! Not that you can't be that when you are an older Mom but I personally think it's easier when you are younger, you can relate a little better. I hear my older friends always saying "I should have started younger." Being a Mom is hard no matter what but there has never been one day I looked back and wish I had waited (I had my first at 25). My husband loves being young too because he can now be a "big kid" again and does everything they do!! Plus, you'll be able to enjoy grandkids better too!! Don't worry! It's God's perfect timing anyway...we like to take credit and think we have control but God really does the deciding for us. You'll be fine and I promise you it's such a fun ride and such a huge blessing!! You'll look very "cool" too when your kids start highschool and you are the "young" Mom on campus!! At least that's what I'm hoping!! Ha Ha! Congratulations!! Elizabeth
From: Nancyrae S
Motherhood is a permanent status and position. You are Mother until you die. Once you're in it there is no turning back.
If you're ready - truly ready - there will be no regrets. It is truly the most rewarding and most thankless job you will ever have in your life.
All you can do is take the advice of your own Mother, Grandmother, Aunt or whomever it is that you've admired and do it. If you are ready for this adventure of a lifetime, you will do fine. Go with what you know, your instincts and your gut. Always remember to protect your children and speak up for them - you are their only protection.
Good luck.
***
From: Lisa MIt's really easy to think of the sacrifices moms make and wonder, how can I do that. I will never have a life of my own. What I've discovered over the last 14 years of mothering is that this is life and it is so full of joy, energy and love (and trials) that I could never even wish to go back. It's nice to have children under foot in the home and I will miss it when they are grown. The past 14 years have gone at light speed, and there will be time to pursue other interests. Meanwhile the complexities of raising 6 different personalities (maybe I should add myself and my husband to that number :) make for very interesting days. Having one (or so at a time) allows the transition into mothering to be gradual...though when you get the soft sweet (screaming) little wee one up on your chest after you've given birth...you'll have no doubts about who you are and what you want to do. What a sweet place to be. Two more things: We had our first when we were married about 5 years and I was almost 26. When you have babies as a young woman, it is usually easier to conceive... though it took us 3 years. Your body bounces back easier, and you may not need a walker when you are traveling and enjoying life after baby. Just something to think about :)
From: Laurie A
We were married 10 years before we had our child... on purpose. She was planned and we were ready? As ready as we thought we could be.. We had been through rough patches in our marriage and had learned to communicate through counseling... We slept in as late as we wanted for an entire year... and then never slept in again until she was about 5.....
I wish I had known that there would be weeks, where my husband and I did not have a true adult conversation.... We would look into each others eyes across the room and just have to know what we were feeling, without words.
The other thing was I wish I had followed my own "mommy heart and gut", instead of listening to others, just because they were my elders.. (this only happened twice). I knew what the problem was, but because I was used to respecting elders, I did what they suggested and my daughter ended up in the hospital both times!
I am also really glad I married my best friend instead of a guy who would just be a good provider, cause now that our child is in college, I will be living alone with him for the rest of my life....
***
From: Amy W
Hi Jennifer, I just wanted to respond & tell you that there will always be things as a mom that you would like to do, but can't do, or can't easily do because you have a child. Whether it's something as simple as sleeping in on a Saturday or as big as going on a trip. The thing I think you should remember is that you are still very young. You have plenty of time to have children, so don't feel the need to rush it. Live a little more of your life with your husband & wait. Especially if you are unsure if you are ready. I know plenty of people who have had children at a young age, and plenty of people who waited. Once you have a child, your whole life really does change, and it's beyond wonderful, but it is a lot of work. I had my son when I was 2 weeks from my 31st birthday & there are still things that I wish I could do, but can't because it's just not that simple to get up & go do it anymore. He's the highlight of my life & I love him dearly, but I am glad I waited. Of course my friends who had children young are very happy & love their children, but some of them feel they missed out on a lot of their youth because of it. So, don't stress out about it. Just wait. You'll know when you truly feel the time is right. Best wishes!
From: Elizabeth H
Hi Jennifer! Being a young mom, to me, is such a HUGE advantage!!! My Mom had me at 20 and she is honestly my best friend and the person I go to for EVERYTHING!! Not that you can't be that when you are an older Mom but I personally think it's easier when you are younger, you can relate a little better. I hear my older friends always saying "I should have started younger." Being a Mom is hard no matter what but there has never been one day I looked back and wish I had waited (I had my first at 25). My husband loves being young too because he can now be a "big kid" again and does everything they do!! Plus, you'll be able to enjoy grandkids better too!! Don't worry! It's God's perfect timing anyway...we like to take credit and think we have control but God really does the deciding for us. You'll be fine and I promise you it's such a fun ride and such a huge blessing!! You'll look very "cool" too when your kids start highschool and you are the "young" Mom on campus!! At least that's what I'm hoping!! Ha Ha! Congratulations!! Elizabeth
From: Nancyrae S
Motherhood is a permanent status and position. You are Mother until you die. Once you're in it there is no turning back.
If you're ready - truly ready - there will be no regrets. It is truly the most rewarding and most thankless job you will ever have in your life.
All you can do is take the advice of your own Mother, Grandmother, Aunt or whomever it is that you've admired and do it. If you are ready for this adventure of a lifetime, you will do fine. Go with what you know, your instincts and your gut. Always remember to protect your children and speak up for them - you are their only protection.
Good luck.
***
Deciding to have children is the biggest decision of your life. Your life is no longer your own, it belongs to your child. You have to be ready to put that child first instead of yourself. There is never a perfect time to have children. If you're waiting until you have the money, have done certain things, etc., that time will never come.
If you're ready to open yourself up to being completely devoted to the needs of your child, then you are ready. I didn't have my first until I was 32. Not because I wasn't ready until then, but because I had not met the right guy until then. I love my son with every part of my being and his needs and desires come before mine any day of the week.
My younger sister, on the other hand, married at 21 and by 24 was feeling the pull to have a child. Her friends were having them, I had my son, etc. However, she has never adjusted to "life is no longer about me". She loves her daughter, I know. But, I don't really think she was ready when she got pregnant.
The differences in she and I, I am the oldest, she's the youngest. We have a brother between us. She has always had someone to take care of her. She lived at home until she was married, commuted to college, and she had my brother and I to help take care of her as a child, etc. I, on the other hand, left home right after high school to attend college, I did move back for a year at 22. But, I was out and on my own, living my life. There are things that I didn't get to do that I wanted as a single girl. But, now some of the things I want to do I can take my son along and he can experience them with my husband and I. My greatest joy now will be seeing him experience those things with his parents.
Don't be afraid to take your child with you places. Our son went with us out to eat at 8 days old. We take him practically everywhere with us. There are some "adult only" times. But, 90% of the time the things we do he goes along with us. I must add, though, that our circle of friends includes some couples that have young children as well. Most of them bring their children along, too. Some have easier access to babysitters than we, such as grandparents that live here, etc. When we became parents we seemed to have made a shift that most of the things we do, kids are welcome. It wasn't intentionally, but it just happened.
From: Jackie T
I wish I realized there only little bitty for a year and how fast that year goes by. The first three months were hard really hard. But after that it got eaiser and eaiser. No one told me that your hormones would be out of wack for a long time...mine durring preganancy and are just now settling back 17 months later. We were homebodies before and were still homebodies. Being a parent is a learn as you go process. I was 28 when we had our son. My mother was 24 when she had me. She thinks its great that we waited longer because we were actually adults and could handle things eaiser than she did...what ever that ment. They grow up fast and move on to college and highschool. Even my son at 17 months wants to wander to the neighbors house. Its not a life sentence its a blessing. It dosent sound like your ready. I never was one that had a "need" to have a baby. My son is the only diaper I have ever changed. He is wonderful and I know what a Blessing he is to our family. I grew in every way when I had him.
From: Jodi E
You almost make it sound like it's the end of the world to become a mom! In actuality, it's awesome, and it's hard to remember what your life was like without your child. I didn't get married until I was 27, and had my daughter when I was 30. Like you, we didn't party much and were home-bodies. I remember standing in the baby's room a week before she was born, freaking out, knowing I wasn't ready for this and sure I wasn't going to be a good mom. But it was too late for that, and the fears were totally groundless.
It'll be tough to do what you want to do right after the baby's born. There are some things you have to give up. But babies grow up quickly. Now my daughter does just about everything with me. She's even got her own passport so we can go on trips wherever/whenever we want to. Don't let being a mom stop you from doing what you want to do.
As for advice, my biggest piece of advice would be "Don't think you have to do it all on your own." When the baby's being fussy and you just have to hand her off to someone else and walk away before you pull your hair out, you're not a bad mom. When you look around the house one afternoon and realize that it's covered in baby paraphernilia, that the dishes are piled in the sink, that you can't remember the last time you vacuumed and you haven't had a shower since the day before, and you want to run away screaming, you're not a bad mom. When she won't stop screaming, even after you've tried Mylicon, Baby Orajel, Baby Motrin, a warm bath, and all you can do is lay her down and let her cry, you're not a bad mom. You're a normal mom. You're a super mom because you handle this day in and day out and you feel rewarded by it when she gives you a smile, or as you watch her peaceful face as she sleeps in your arms. It's tough, but it's worth it. And forget the housework. It'll still be there tomorrow when she's old enough to help! Enjoy her being small while you can. =)
From: Michelle G
wow- what a great question. I have never really thought about it. But here goes... I wish I was a little younger when I became a parent. My daughter was born when I turned 40. And frankly, sometimes, I get really tired trying to keep up with her. (She is 5 now.) I wish I had not wasted time reading books. All babies and kids are different. You have to trust your instincts about what is right for you and your babe. (For example, she slept on her stomach from day 1. Scary, I know.) I wish I had known that I would never sleep the same way again. First, out of worry of SIDS. Later, well, for a million other things. These days I am out of bed once or twice a night just to go in and look at her. But really, I wish I had known the depth of love and selflessness I was capable of. I never knew I had it in me! It took the right partner to make me see it in myself. I guess that's why it took me so long, huh? But anyway- trust your gut and listen to your heart. You'll hear the answer when the time is right.
From: Jessica L
I know everyone use to tell me that kids grow up so fast, but I didn't get it until the last few years. My girls are teenagers (16 & 17) now, and I miss them being babies. I was so young when I had my girls and in a bad marriage so I was constantly depressed. I loved my babies and took good care of them, but I didn't cherish them like people told me to do. I wish I could go back and just play with them and hold them more. Also, I wish I would have raised them in church. We go to church now, but I wish I would have started them when they were babies so I could have been a Christian mom their whole lives.
I will be in prayer for you and your husband to make the right decision. God bless!
From: Camille G
Hi Jennifer, I got pregnant for the first time when I was 36, didn't try to but yep there it was , lol , I didn't think I could even get pregnant & had accepted my life without children and dealt with it, but it happened. :) Up until that point, it was ALL about me. You get pretty used to thinking of only yourself when you've done it for that long! Motherhood is forever. Its not easy and not for the faint of heart. ;) But only when you have a child will you understand a love that is beyond anything you've ever felt or known. At 23 I think you still have time to put off motherhood a little longer, but thats just me. I wouldn't wait too long though. I know women who do wait too long and then find out they can't conceive. Good luck.
From: Sarah T
I do wish I had gone to Disney World and had taken my husband to France. I loved France and now with 4 kids that would be a difficult trip to do.
I worked in daycare for years before getting pregnant so I already knew a lot, but I am a terrible multitasker. Keeping a clean house AND watching 4 kids is very difficult! I wish I had learned organization, cleaning schedules ect prior to having children, maybe that would have made it easier.
I wish that I had learned more about birth. I read the "What to Expect" books and took a birth class at the hospital. What I now know is that those classes only teach you how to be good obedient patients. It took four awful birth experiences and four c-sections before I learned what is in the gems (The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth, Gentle Birth Experiences, Ina May's books, and others.) Women spend more time dreaming about and planning their wedding then they do their births! Birthing isn't just a means to an end, it's a rite of passage. And done well, it can be beautiful for mother and gentle for baby. And done poorly, it can be horrible as well as dangerous.
Are you ready for kids? Well, I don't know. I was your age when I had my first one, born just before our 1 year anniversary! I had another unplanned pregnancy only 5 months later, and #2 was 6 months old when I was preggo with #3! I believe I was ready. And it was much easier having two then one, especially since they were only a year apart. When children are close in age they are more easily playmates.
Sarah, mom to 4 on Earth and 5 Heavenly Treasures
***
From: Kristi M
You’re right that motherhood is permanent. It will change how you sleep, how you eat, how you hear the nightly news, how you relate to your husband. This will not change when the child turns 18 or 20. You will be the mommy forever. You won’t just pick up and go to a movie because you want to see it. You will do something much better… you’ll sit at home and watch this marvelous creature as he/she smiles, coos , yawns and amazes you. You will worry more than you knew was possible. You will celebrate things that you don’t even notice now.
What I wish I had known as a mother is to trust my instincts instead of being swayed by the opinions of others. Usually the instincts of a loving mother are right. I was not so confident, and I regret that.
I wish I had known as a young mom that it is not failure to need someone to watch the baby so that I could take a shower or a nap. If daddy is at work, ask grandma or that nice lady at church who loves to hold him to come and hold the baby for awhile so you can feel human again. You’ll be a better mom with some sleep.
What I am glad of is that even at the very young age I became a mother I trusted that natural is usually better, and that a little bit of extra work will benefit the baby and the mom.
What is most important about being a parent is to live honorably so that your children will be able to fulfill their scriptural mandate to honor you. You are already off to a good start here by taking parenting so seriously. Kids need to know that their parents are solid, good and trustworthy. This is what gives them their foundation.
I would not presume to advise you as to whether you are ready for this. I will say that if both parents are not in agreement about it, then this is not the time. Also, no matter how much advice about mothering you receive there is no way to understand the richness and awe this brings to your life. Being a mother will change every thing. It can sound so trite, but what is ugly in the world will disturb you more and what is beautiful now will be even moreso. And the love you will feel for your baby is something that none of us can describe.
***If you're ready to open yourself up to being completely devoted to the needs of your child, then you are ready. I didn't have my first until I was 32. Not because I wasn't ready until then, but because I had not met the right guy until then. I love my son with every part of my being and his needs and desires come before mine any day of the week.
My younger sister, on the other hand, married at 21 and by 24 was feeling the pull to have a child. Her friends were having them, I had my son, etc. However, she has never adjusted to "life is no longer about me". She loves her daughter, I know. But, I don't really think she was ready when she got pregnant.
The differences in she and I, I am the oldest, she's the youngest. We have a brother between us. She has always had someone to take care of her. She lived at home until she was married, commuted to college, and she had my brother and I to help take care of her as a child, etc. I, on the other hand, left home right after high school to attend college, I did move back for a year at 22. But, I was out and on my own, living my life. There are things that I didn't get to do that I wanted as a single girl. But, now some of the things I want to do I can take my son along and he can experience them with my husband and I. My greatest joy now will be seeing him experience those things with his parents.
Don't be afraid to take your child with you places. Our son went with us out to eat at 8 days old. We take him practically everywhere with us. There are some "adult only" times. But, 90% of the time the things we do he goes along with us. I must add, though, that our circle of friends includes some couples that have young children as well. Most of them bring their children along, too. Some have easier access to babysitters than we, such as grandparents that live here, etc. When we became parents we seemed to have made a shift that most of the things we do, kids are welcome. It wasn't intentionally, but it just happened.
From: Jackie T
I wish I realized there only little bitty for a year and how fast that year goes by. The first three months were hard really hard. But after that it got eaiser and eaiser. No one told me that your hormones would be out of wack for a long time...mine durring preganancy and are just now settling back 17 months later. We were homebodies before and were still homebodies. Being a parent is a learn as you go process. I was 28 when we had our son. My mother was 24 when she had me. She thinks its great that we waited longer because we were actually adults and could handle things eaiser than she did...what ever that ment. They grow up fast and move on to college and highschool. Even my son at 17 months wants to wander to the neighbors house. Its not a life sentence its a blessing. It dosent sound like your ready. I never was one that had a "need" to have a baby. My son is the only diaper I have ever changed. He is wonderful and I know what a Blessing he is to our family. I grew in every way when I had him.
From: Jodi E
You almost make it sound like it's the end of the world to become a mom! In actuality, it's awesome, and it's hard to remember what your life was like without your child. I didn't get married until I was 27, and had my daughter when I was 30. Like you, we didn't party much and were home-bodies. I remember standing in the baby's room a week before she was born, freaking out, knowing I wasn't ready for this and sure I wasn't going to be a good mom. But it was too late for that, and the fears were totally groundless.
It'll be tough to do what you want to do right after the baby's born. There are some things you have to give up. But babies grow up quickly. Now my daughter does just about everything with me. She's even got her own passport so we can go on trips wherever/whenever we want to. Don't let being a mom stop you from doing what you want to do.
As for advice, my biggest piece of advice would be "Don't think you have to do it all on your own." When the baby's being fussy and you just have to hand her off to someone else and walk away before you pull your hair out, you're not a bad mom. When you look around the house one afternoon and realize that it's covered in baby paraphernilia, that the dishes are piled in the sink, that you can't remember the last time you vacuumed and you haven't had a shower since the day before, and you want to run away screaming, you're not a bad mom. When she won't stop screaming, even after you've tried Mylicon, Baby Orajel, Baby Motrin, a warm bath, and all you can do is lay her down and let her cry, you're not a bad mom. You're a normal mom. You're a super mom because you handle this day in and day out and you feel rewarded by it when she gives you a smile, or as you watch her peaceful face as she sleeps in your arms. It's tough, but it's worth it. And forget the housework. It'll still be there tomorrow when she's old enough to help! Enjoy her being small while you can. =)
From: Michelle G
wow- what a great question. I have never really thought about it. But here goes... I wish I was a little younger when I became a parent. My daughter was born when I turned 40. And frankly, sometimes, I get really tired trying to keep up with her. (She is 5 now.) I wish I had not wasted time reading books. All babies and kids are different. You have to trust your instincts about what is right for you and your babe. (For example, she slept on her stomach from day 1. Scary, I know.) I wish I had known that I would never sleep the same way again. First, out of worry of SIDS. Later, well, for a million other things. These days I am out of bed once or twice a night just to go in and look at her. But really, I wish I had known the depth of love and selflessness I was capable of. I never knew I had it in me! It took the right partner to make me see it in myself. I guess that's why it took me so long, huh? But anyway- trust your gut and listen to your heart. You'll hear the answer when the time is right.
From: Jessica L
I know everyone use to tell me that kids grow up so fast, but I didn't get it until the last few years. My girls are teenagers (16 & 17) now, and I miss them being babies. I was so young when I had my girls and in a bad marriage so I was constantly depressed. I loved my babies and took good care of them, but I didn't cherish them like people told me to do. I wish I could go back and just play with them and hold them more. Also, I wish I would have raised them in church. We go to church now, but I wish I would have started them when they were babies so I could have been a Christian mom their whole lives.
I will be in prayer for you and your husband to make the right decision. God bless!
From: Camille G
Hi Jennifer, I got pregnant for the first time when I was 36, didn't try to but yep there it was , lol , I didn't think I could even get pregnant & had accepted my life without children and dealt with it, but it happened. :) Up until that point, it was ALL about me. You get pretty used to thinking of only yourself when you've done it for that long! Motherhood is forever. Its not easy and not for the faint of heart. ;) But only when you have a child will you understand a love that is beyond anything you've ever felt or known. At 23 I think you still have time to put off motherhood a little longer, but thats just me. I wouldn't wait too long though. I know women who do wait too long and then find out they can't conceive. Good luck.
From: Sarah T
I do wish I had gone to Disney World and had taken my husband to France. I loved France and now with 4 kids that would be a difficult trip to do.
I worked in daycare for years before getting pregnant so I already knew a lot, but I am a terrible multitasker. Keeping a clean house AND watching 4 kids is very difficult! I wish I had learned organization, cleaning schedules ect prior to having children, maybe that would have made it easier.
I wish that I had learned more about birth. I read the "What to Expect" books and took a birth class at the hospital. What I now know is that those classes only teach you how to be good obedient patients. It took four awful birth experiences and four c-sections before I learned what is in the gems (The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth, Gentle Birth Experiences, Ina May's books, and others.) Women spend more time dreaming about and planning their wedding then they do their births! Birthing isn't just a means to an end, it's a rite of passage. And done well, it can be beautiful for mother and gentle for baby. And done poorly, it can be horrible as well as dangerous.
Are you ready for kids? Well, I don't know. I was your age when I had my first one, born just before our 1 year anniversary! I had another unplanned pregnancy only 5 months later, and #2 was 6 months old when I was preggo with #3! I believe I was ready. And it was much easier having two then one, especially since they were only a year apart. When children are close in age they are more easily playmates.
Sarah, mom to 4 on Earth and 5 Heavenly Treasures
***
From: Kristi M
You’re right that motherhood is permanent. It will change how you sleep, how you eat, how you hear the nightly news, how you relate to your husband. This will not change when the child turns 18 or 20. You will be the mommy forever. You won’t just pick up and go to a movie because you want to see it. You will do something much better… you’ll sit at home and watch this marvelous creature as he/she smiles, coos , yawns and amazes you. You will worry more than you knew was possible. You will celebrate things that you don’t even notice now.
What I wish I had known as a mother is to trust my instincts instead of being swayed by the opinions of others. Usually the instincts of a loving mother are right. I was not so confident, and I regret that.
I wish I had known as a young mom that it is not failure to need someone to watch the baby so that I could take a shower or a nap. If daddy is at work, ask grandma or that nice lady at church who loves to hold him to come and hold the baby for awhile so you can feel human again. You’ll be a better mom with some sleep.
What I am glad of is that even at the very young age I became a mother I trusted that natural is usually better, and that a little bit of extra work will benefit the baby and the mom.
What is most important about being a parent is to live honorably so that your children will be able to fulfill their scriptural mandate to honor you. You are already off to a good start here by taking parenting so seriously. Kids need to know that their parents are solid, good and trustworthy. This is what gives them their foundation.
I would not presume to advise you as to whether you are ready for this. I will say that if both parents are not in agreement about it, then this is not the time. Also, no matter how much advice about mothering you receive there is no way to understand the richness and awe this brings to your life. Being a mother will change every thing. It can sound so trite, but what is ugly in the world will disturb you more and what is beautiful now will be even moreso. And the love you will feel for your baby is something that none of us can describe.
From: Jen B
Well my hubby and I have decided there is no perfect time to have a baby. When we got married we planned to wait a couple years, but surprise, six weeks later I was prego! Now our son will be two next in July and we might be prego with number two, we will soon find out:) When I look at my toddler and think "holy cow, I am going to do it all again!" sometimes I think I am a crazy woman. But you know when my toddler crawls in my arms and tells me he loves me and I rock him to sleep or after he wakes up after a nap, the love that swells my heart makes me realize I wouldn't have life any other way. There are a ton of things I didn't know going into parenthood but that is part of what makes the journey so wonderful. It has it's challenges and as my mom says a part of your heart lives permanently outside of your body, but it is so worth it! I didn't marry until I was 30 so I did do some cool things before children, but if it is in your heart to be a mom, go for it! Nothing I did before kids matches the awesomeness of having them. Well gotta run...baby just woke up and isn't too happy!:) Let us know what you decide!
From: Katrina M
Hi Jennifer! I just wish I had been as mature as you and not jumped into having kids at such a young age. I love my kids but my bad decision caused them to have a tougher life than they deserved. The good thing is you have been married for so long that you know your husband and you know if he is going to make a good dad. The one thing I would stress is that if you and your husband don't get along 95% of the time don't have kids. I know from experience that when you fight in front of your kids (as Dr. Phil says) "you change who they are". Marriage takes a lot more work when you have kids. Make sure that you and your husband have talked about how you will raise your kids to make sure you are both on the same page. Being a parent is hard but let me tell you, there is nothing more rewarding than kids. One thing I will NEVER forget is the bond between my husband and I when we held our tiny little miracle that we made together. It is amazing! I had two kids in my early twenties and one when I turned 32. I will say I knew a lot more and made a better mother at 32 but that was partly because I had finally married a good man and I had been divorced twice and single while raising my first two. I learned things the hard way. Good luck in your decision and there is no reason to pressure yourself. You are so young.
From: Sally G
take time to travel! you'll never have enough money or time to do one....so make it BIG!
From: Janad H
I went through the same battle before I started having children. I was so worried that I wouldn't be good at and I'd be "stuck". You will be surprised just how amazing it is to hold your baby for the 1st time. I do admit that at times motherhood can be frustrating, tiring and totally unrewarding, but at the end of the day when your baby gives you a huge grin or a giggle and you put that baby down and you walk in their room and see them sleeping peacefully, it's all worth it. I wish I would have known just how much sleep you loose in the first few months so I could catch up on some z's before hand! I think it's great that you are spending so much time thinking about this big decision. That will help you a great deal in the long run. Good luck!
From: Sara L
I felt that way the whole time I was pregnant. I was worried that I could never again be selfish or over-indulgent, and that I was going to lose myself. For me, when my daughter came, it was nothing like I expected. The love you will feel for your new baby will be so strong, stronger than any love you have ever felt. It is a type of love that you can't even imagine now, but that is much much greater than any fear you are feeling now. You change as a person, not because you have to but because you all of a sudden want to. Standing on the brink of any big life change is scary, but you will find that once your baby is here, this "road of no return" just becomes your daily life, and it is a more rewarding life than you ever could have imagined. It helped me to read as many parenting books as possible. That way, I felt more in control, and like i would know what to do and how to do it well. When she came, I was prepared and able to enjoy my time with my new baby. One really good basic book to get you started is Baby 411. It walks you through the first weeks and months in a really easy to read way. Remember, almost every first mom has these fears. I remember crying on the couch in fear when I was pregnant, but now I am happier than I have ever been. Also, my relationship with my husband is deeper, stronger and more solid than it ever was before. With an 2 year old and another on the way, I truly feel that we are a team. Good luck!
***
From: Amy H
I think the feelings you are having are perfectly normal. I have 3 kids and am 30. I had my first at 24, my husband was 22. It was the right time for us, but other people thought we were crazy! Being a parent is hard work, and yes you lose that 'me' time, but if you have a great husband and friends, you will always have the support. Also remember that you get 'you' back when your kids are grown up. So, do you want an 'old' you our a realativly youngs you? Whatever you decide, just make sure your husband is right there with you and find friends that have kids...they will always understand your feelings. Good luck. Oh, what I wish I had know before becoming a parent...kids are hard work. I kinda knew that, but man, the degree of how 'hard' was greatly understated. But it is fun work!
***
From: Carla B
My life is more rich with my children in it. I have forgotten what "childless" is like. Go places now. Maybe that's one... I miss just picking up and going somewhere for the weekend. Go someplace really cool with your husband before you get preggo...A cruise...something that will give you both good memories. Once you are a Mom, don't forget to take time for yourself and hubby. Date night at least once per month. CB
***Well my hubby and I have decided there is no perfect time to have a baby. When we got married we planned to wait a couple years, but surprise, six weeks later I was prego! Now our son will be two next in July and we might be prego with number two, we will soon find out:) When I look at my toddler and think "holy cow, I am going to do it all again!" sometimes I think I am a crazy woman. But you know when my toddler crawls in my arms and tells me he loves me and I rock him to sleep or after he wakes up after a nap, the love that swells my heart makes me realize I wouldn't have life any other way. There are a ton of things I didn't know going into parenthood but that is part of what makes the journey so wonderful. It has it's challenges and as my mom says a part of your heart lives permanently outside of your body, but it is so worth it! I didn't marry until I was 30 so I did do some cool things before children, but if it is in your heart to be a mom, go for it! Nothing I did before kids matches the awesomeness of having them. Well gotta run...baby just woke up and isn't too happy!:) Let us know what you decide!
From: Katrina M
Hi Jennifer! I just wish I had been as mature as you and not jumped into having kids at such a young age. I love my kids but my bad decision caused them to have a tougher life than they deserved. The good thing is you have been married for so long that you know your husband and you know if he is going to make a good dad. The one thing I would stress is that if you and your husband don't get along 95% of the time don't have kids. I know from experience that when you fight in front of your kids (as Dr. Phil says) "you change who they are". Marriage takes a lot more work when you have kids. Make sure that you and your husband have talked about how you will raise your kids to make sure you are both on the same page. Being a parent is hard but let me tell you, there is nothing more rewarding than kids. One thing I will NEVER forget is the bond between my husband and I when we held our tiny little miracle that we made together. It is amazing! I had two kids in my early twenties and one when I turned 32. I will say I knew a lot more and made a better mother at 32 but that was partly because I had finally married a good man and I had been divorced twice and single while raising my first two. I learned things the hard way. Good luck in your decision and there is no reason to pressure yourself. You are so young.
From: Sally G
take time to travel! you'll never have enough money or time to do one....so make it BIG!
From: Janad H
I went through the same battle before I started having children. I was so worried that I wouldn't be good at and I'd be "stuck". You will be surprised just how amazing it is to hold your baby for the 1st time. I do admit that at times motherhood can be frustrating, tiring and totally unrewarding, but at the end of the day when your baby gives you a huge grin or a giggle and you put that baby down and you walk in their room and see them sleeping peacefully, it's all worth it. I wish I would have known just how much sleep you loose in the first few months so I could catch up on some z's before hand! I think it's great that you are spending so much time thinking about this big decision. That will help you a great deal in the long run. Good luck!
From: Sara L
I felt that way the whole time I was pregnant. I was worried that I could never again be selfish or over-indulgent, and that I was going to lose myself. For me, when my daughter came, it was nothing like I expected. The love you will feel for your new baby will be so strong, stronger than any love you have ever felt. It is a type of love that you can't even imagine now, but that is much much greater than any fear you are feeling now. You change as a person, not because you have to but because you all of a sudden want to. Standing on the brink of any big life change is scary, but you will find that once your baby is here, this "road of no return" just becomes your daily life, and it is a more rewarding life than you ever could have imagined. It helped me to read as many parenting books as possible. That way, I felt more in control, and like i would know what to do and how to do it well. When she came, I was prepared and able to enjoy my time with my new baby. One really good basic book to get you started is Baby 411. It walks you through the first weeks and months in a really easy to read way. Remember, almost every first mom has these fears. I remember crying on the couch in fear when I was pregnant, but now I am happier than I have ever been. Also, my relationship with my husband is deeper, stronger and more solid than it ever was before. With an 2 year old and another on the way, I truly feel that we are a team. Good luck!
***
From: Amy H
I think the feelings you are having are perfectly normal. I have 3 kids and am 30. I had my first at 24, my husband was 22. It was the right time for us, but other people thought we were crazy! Being a parent is hard work, and yes you lose that 'me' time, but if you have a great husband and friends, you will always have the support. Also remember that you get 'you' back when your kids are grown up. So, do you want an 'old' you our a realativly youngs you? Whatever you decide, just make sure your husband is right there with you and find friends that have kids...they will always understand your feelings. Good luck. Oh, what I wish I had know before becoming a parent...kids are hard work. I kinda knew that, but man, the degree of how 'hard' was greatly understated. But it is fun work!
***
From: Carla B
My life is more rich with my children in it. I have forgotten what "childless" is like. Go places now. Maybe that's one... I miss just picking up and going somewhere for the weekend. Go someplace really cool with your husband before you get preggo...A cruise...something that will give you both good memories. Once you are a Mom, don't forget to take time for yourself and hubby. Date night at least once per month. CB
From: Leslie B
I wish I would have known about Gripe water with my first and wish I would have known to not throw away any breastmilk. Whatever breastmilk you don't use left over from a bottle or pump and dump, so to speak, freeze it in 1 and 2 oz and use for diaper rashes and facial rashes and other topical needs. I also wish I'd known with my first to not be afraid to give him a cereal bottle and get some good sleep.
As far as the fear of the permanency of motherhood, my philosophy is that's what morning sickness is. When you realize the magnitude of what you've gotten yourself into, it makes you sick to your stomach. However, when you have that baby all fears diminish. You're going to be a great mother.
My mother always told me to have my children before 25. I waited until 37 and 40. She was on to something. At first, I thought, I'm so happy to be older and wiser. Forget that. There's therapy. I want my energy back!!!
I wish I would have known about Gripe water with my first and wish I would have known to not throw away any breastmilk. Whatever breastmilk you don't use left over from a bottle or pump and dump, so to speak, freeze it in 1 and 2 oz and use for diaper rashes and facial rashes and other topical needs. I also wish I'd known with my first to not be afraid to give him a cereal bottle and get some good sleep.
As far as the fear of the permanency of motherhood, my philosophy is that's what morning sickness is. When you realize the magnitude of what you've gotten yourself into, it makes you sick to your stomach. However, when you have that baby all fears diminish. You're going to be a great mother.
My mother always told me to have my children before 25. I waited until 37 and 40. She was on to something. At first, I thought, I'm so happy to be older and wiser. Forget that. There's therapy. I want my energy back!!!
***
From: Linda W
I cannot think of anything "i wish i'd done before I became a mom" Once you have a baby you will love that baby so much (for it's entire life) that I don't think you will ever question yourself on this. You can always get a relative or a reputable sitter if you want to go do something that your child cannot go do or just to have "moms day out" or even a second,third forth fifth...etc honeymoom with your hubby for a few days. a child is alot of work but the joy & the love for that child far outweigh the tiredness & the responsibility. You'll be thinking "i don;t know what i'd do without my baby rather than what do I want to do before I have one:) It is good you're thinking ahead, I consider that a responsible person. But I have 7 children (all adopted)but I have NO regrets. My advise, have them while your young & can enjoy doing things with them. Im 52,& have twin 5 yr old girls & a 19 month old son (along with twin 18 yr old girls, 19 yr old son & 34 yr old son) Its much harder with these 3 smaller ones at my age than it was with my older ones because I was young & enjoyed places like Six Flags etc. Oh yes,I enjoy it now, I just dont have the energy now I did back then. BUT i wouldn't trade my life with my children for anyone's & you will feel the same once you become a mom. I would like to add one thing, I knew my daughter n law before she ever dated my son & she always said she did NOT want children & if she ever became pregnant,she was giving it to me. I assure you that changed...lol! She met my son became pregnant & now has two beautiful children & is a wonderful mother!! Her kids are her life. She went from never wanting children to a mom that loves & cherishes her children. They are her life!
From: H O
Wait...............that is my advice to you. I am 39 and I have 3 wonderful children. But, I am worn out. I believe your 20s is a time for YOU ...you have SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much time ahead of you. Once you are a mother...that is it.......NO MORE YOU....it is ALWAYS about your children...they will come first for evertything...Concentrate on improving you and fulfilling your personal goals and dreams NOW...because once you have a child...all that is secondary...and you might miss you your chance.. Listen to the little voice inside you.........it is telling you something...All I wanted for Mother's Day was time...time for me...I went in my room for 2 hours alone and that was it...the children started knocking on the door begging for me...and then I was back on "duty" again...
Wait....wait...wait...focus on you....live your dreams NOW...because if you don't you will regret it...Children are great but.....once you are a mom........YES! you are always a mom.......24/7...hope this helps.
From: Marcy L
Hi Jennifer. Being a mom is one of the highest honors in life. You will still be Jennifer, as being a mom doesn't have to take away your identity. The main thing I've learned in being a mom (My kids are 17 and 22)is that I can really trust God with my kids, and with my own desires. Kids are gifts to us for such a short time, as they grow up so fast. So if and when you become a mom, enjoy the moments, don't get caught up in competing with other moms, love your husband in front of your kids, discipline in love, and pray about everything. It won't be easy, but you will learn the most valuable lessons from watching your kids grow and loving on them. Train them, by being an example before them, and praise them often. And finally, be yourself. Continue to date your husband, take up hobbies, develop who you are. This too will bless your kids. Enjoy...
From: Tia P
I think you already have the big picture: once a Mom, always a Mom. Being a Mom has been the hardest, most thankless job I have ever done. It's also the most important job I've ever done.
Did you know that research shows that a couple's happiness in marriage decreases after they start having children? And often doesn't ever return, even after the children leave home (thus divorces after 20-25 years of marriage).
You're so young, you have lots of time to enter the "permanency" of motherhood. I would even say that when you're really ready, you will embrace it BOLDLY, not with trepidation or fear.
From: Linda W
I cannot think of anything "i wish i'd done before I became a mom" Once you have a baby you will love that baby so much (for it's entire life) that I don't think you will ever question yourself on this. You can always get a relative or a reputable sitter if you want to go do something that your child cannot go do or just to have "moms day out" or even a second,third forth fifth...etc honeymoom with your hubby for a few days. a child is alot of work but the joy & the love for that child far outweigh the tiredness & the responsibility. You'll be thinking "i don;t know what i'd do without my baby rather than what do I want to do before I have one:) It is good you're thinking ahead, I consider that a responsible person. But I have 7 children (all adopted)but I have NO regrets. My advise, have them while your young & can enjoy doing things with them. Im 52,& have twin 5 yr old girls & a 19 month old son (along with twin 18 yr old girls, 19 yr old son & 34 yr old son) Its much harder with these 3 smaller ones at my age than it was with my older ones because I was young & enjoyed places like Six Flags etc. Oh yes,I enjoy it now, I just dont have the energy now I did back then. BUT i wouldn't trade my life with my children for anyone's & you will feel the same once you become a mom. I would like to add one thing, I knew my daughter n law before she ever dated my son & she always said she did NOT want children & if she ever became pregnant,she was giving it to me. I assure you that changed...lol! She met my son became pregnant & now has two beautiful children & is a wonderful mother!! Her kids are her life. She went from never wanting children to a mom that loves & cherishes her children. They are her life!
From: H O
Wait...............that is my advice to you. I am 39 and I have 3 wonderful children. But, I am worn out. I believe your 20s is a time for YOU ...you have SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much time ahead of you. Once you are a mother...that is it.......NO MORE YOU....it is ALWAYS about your children...they will come first for evertything...Concentrate on improving you and fulfilling your personal goals and dreams NOW...because once you have a child...all that is secondary...and you might miss you your chance.. Listen to the little voice inside you.........it is telling you something...All I wanted for Mother's Day was time...time for me...I went in my room for 2 hours alone and that was it...the children started knocking on the door begging for me...and then I was back on "duty" again...
Wait....wait...wait...focus on you....live your dreams NOW...because if you don't you will regret it...Children are great but.....once you are a mom........YES! you are always a mom.......24/7...hope this helps.
From: Marcy L
Hi Jennifer. Being a mom is one of the highest honors in life. You will still be Jennifer, as being a mom doesn't have to take away your identity. The main thing I've learned in being a mom (My kids are 17 and 22)is that I can really trust God with my kids, and with my own desires. Kids are gifts to us for such a short time, as they grow up so fast. So if and when you become a mom, enjoy the moments, don't get caught up in competing with other moms, love your husband in front of your kids, discipline in love, and pray about everything. It won't be easy, but you will learn the most valuable lessons from watching your kids grow and loving on them. Train them, by being an example before them, and praise them often. And finally, be yourself. Continue to date your husband, take up hobbies, develop who you are. This too will bless your kids. Enjoy...
From: Tia P
I think you already have the big picture: once a Mom, always a Mom. Being a Mom has been the hardest, most thankless job I have ever done. It's also the most important job I've ever done.
Did you know that research shows that a couple's happiness in marriage decreases after they start having children? And often doesn't ever return, even after the children leave home (thus divorces after 20-25 years of marriage).
You're so young, you have lots of time to enter the "permanency" of motherhood. I would even say that when you're really ready, you will embrace it BOLDLY, not with trepidation or fear.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Way to Convince Your Husband
First, I must explain the reason for my absence, as it technically is the longest I've gone without posting new material besides when I was on my cruise. It's kind of funny actually. Remember this post. Well, I had my feed publishing to my Facebook page and hubby decided to read it. He liked the post... Well, most of it, but he was a little worried about what my reaction might be to some of the comments with the underlying tone of "Who cares what your husband thinks... Have a baby!"
Now, I'm not sure how he thought I was going to carry this advice out... Trickery, hypnotism, rape--I assured him none of those were my intentions and that I'd want him to be just as excited as I am through the whole process (or else).
Regardless, the conversation left a bad taste in my mouth and I couldn't work up the energy to think of anything worth posting without fearing his reaction if he happened to read again. Great... now his reading is effecting my posting! I hate the feeling of having to censor my blog. I really try to do my best to keep things in my perspective, and keep his opinions and views out of it. Ok, so occasionally I go off on a rant, it happens. And at least I'm finding comfort from other people who are/have experienced the same thing.
I considered making my blog private for awhile, to subscribers, but I think the limit is 100.. A bittersweet blessing?
I guess he's mostly worried about people we know reading my blog... I can understand that, except 99% of people who read my blog don't really know me, and I'm not one who really cares what people think of me if they do. BUT I know a few of his family members read this blog. So if you're in my husband's family and reading this can you do me a favor and pretend like you don't? I mean, you can comment here or what not, but don't ask me about it at the family reunion ok?... At least not in front of the hubs.
The discussion that started this all was husbands... Do it with 'em, or without 'em? One of my friends asked a similar question: "One common consensus on here, though, seems to be not to wait for your husband to be ready?? I am just a little bit curious about it...I don't know why it caught me so off guard, but I definitely don't want to get pregnant if my husband isn't as ecstatic as me to be on this journey. Maybe these are too high of expectations... Just curious :) "
Becky, I'm with ya. I hope my husband is as excited as I am when it's time to try to have a baby, and I'm not planning on tricking it out of him (which I'm not saying they're suggesting) however, since I'm already going to Hell, I decided I'd write up a plan... My demise... And a every woman's guide to getting your hubby to get you pregnant... And what I would do if it was necessary to convince my husband to get on the bandwagon.
(And after reading a few comments and realizing some people took this seriously, let me just make a little disclaimer that this is totally a joke!) :)
First, make sure this is what you want, because once you convince him, if you change your mind, it could take a lot more than this to get him to believe you again. If a baby--Poop, spit, snot and all is really what you want, proceed to step 2.
2. Babysit together... But don't accept offers from people with bad, annoying, or loud kids. That'll scare him away. The ideal situation would be to babysit a baby who sleeps a lot, and when it's not sleeping, it's laughing and cooing at you. Then tell him that's how good your kids will be. (PS: pictured is my husband holding the very well behaved baby we now babysit twice a week.)
3. Get a dog, or some sort of pet, let him fall in love with it then say you're allergic and give it away. It's sad, but there's tough love in the game of love and war... And in that time of mourning is the perfect time to say "well, maybe a dog just wasn't the right move for us, and it's time for a real child."
4. Watch sports with your husband. Get all into it and tell him how fun it'll be when your little boys are old enough to play sports... Shoot, they aren't even conceived, better get going!
5. When moments present themselves, and you spot a cute family you think you'll resemble, or a kid's outfit he could see his child wearing, point it out to him. Don't over-do it, just nudge him and peer in the direction of the bait. He'll get the hint. WARNING: Don't do this too often or it could get annoying.
6. When he notices a cute family or comments about his dreams for children on his own, stay calm. Don't freak out, your over-excitement may just scare him out of the thought. Keep your cool and when the timing is right, tell him how you'd love that too.
7. Get all dolled up for him, let him have the remote, make him a nice dinner, and give him the night of his life. At the end of a long tiring but wonderful night when you're about to go to sleep, tell him how fun it will be when you're trying for a baby, and how it will be that much fun every night.
8. At church, let him catch you staring at little kids. Don't stare too long, or you'll look like a stalker, just long enough and with the nicest smile so that he knows, whether he likes it or not, that's what you want more than anything.
9. Hire outside enforcements. A couple he would look up to, but is in a worse situation than you financially. Make friends with them, then let them drop the bomb on you guys and tell you they're pregnant and share how excited they are with you. It may not work the first time, but after about the 3rd or 4th couple it's sure to strike a chord. This especially works with best friend couples with good babies, so you may have to invest some time and research.
10.Turn he tables. Halt everything you've been doing, and all of the positive vibes toward kids. Tell him you change your mind, you're not sure when you want to have kids and that maybe you two should wait awhile. He'll wonder why your mind has changed and it'll bring the idea of kids to the front of his mind. Then he'll always be the one bringing up the topic. That's when you POUNCE! Catch him while he's down and jump on his team, agree with him and he'll think the whole idea was his!
Got any others?
And FYI, if I don't post for a few days after this, send a search crew. My husband found it and I am dead.
Now, I'm not sure how he thought I was going to carry this advice out... Trickery, hypnotism, rape--I assured him none of those were my intentions and that I'd want him to be just as excited as I am through the whole process (or else).
Regardless, the conversation left a bad taste in my mouth and I couldn't work up the energy to think of anything worth posting without fearing his reaction if he happened to read again. Great... now his reading is effecting my posting! I hate the feeling of having to censor my blog. I really try to do my best to keep things in my perspective, and keep his opinions and views out of it. Ok, so occasionally I go off on a rant, it happens. And at least I'm finding comfort from other people who are/have experienced the same thing.
I considered making my blog private for awhile, to subscribers, but I think the limit is 100.. A bittersweet blessing?
I guess he's mostly worried about people we know reading my blog... I can understand that, except 99% of people who read my blog don't really know me, and I'm not one who really cares what people think of me if they do. BUT I know a few of his family members read this blog. So if you're in my husband's family and reading this can you do me a favor and pretend like you don't? I mean, you can comment here or what not, but don't ask me about it at the family reunion ok?... At least not in front of the hubs.
The discussion that started this all was husbands... Do it with 'em, or without 'em? One of my friends asked a similar question: "One common consensus on here, though, seems to be not to wait for your husband to be ready?? I am just a little bit curious about it...I don't know why it caught me so off guard, but I definitely don't want to get pregnant if my husband isn't as ecstatic as me to be on this journey. Maybe these are too high of expectations... Just curious :) "
Becky, I'm with ya. I hope my husband is as excited as I am when it's time to try to have a baby, and I'm not planning on tricking it out of him (which I'm not saying they're suggesting) however, since I'm already going to Hell, I decided I'd write up a plan... My demise... And a every woman's guide to getting your hubby to get you pregnant... And what I would do if it was necessary to convince my husband to get on the bandwagon.
(And after reading a few comments and realizing some people took this seriously, let me just make a little disclaimer that this is totally a joke!) :)
First, make sure this is what you want, because once you convince him, if you change your mind, it could take a lot more than this to get him to believe you again. If a baby--Poop, spit, snot and all is really what you want, proceed to step 2.2. Babysit together... But don't accept offers from people with bad, annoying, or loud kids. That'll scare him away. The ideal situation would be to babysit a baby who sleeps a lot, and when it's not sleeping, it's laughing and cooing at you. Then tell him that's how good your kids will be. (PS: pictured is my husband holding the very well behaved baby we now babysit twice a week.)
3. Get a dog, or some sort of pet, let him fall in love with it then say you're allergic and give it away. It's sad, but there's tough love in the game of love and war... And in that time of mourning is the perfect time to say "well, maybe a dog just wasn't the right move for us, and it's time for a real child."
4. Watch sports with your husband. Get all into it and tell him how fun it'll be when your little boys are old enough to play sports... Shoot, they aren't even conceived, better get going!
5. When moments present themselves, and you spot a cute family you think you'll resemble, or a kid's outfit he could see his child wearing, point it out to him. Don't over-do it, just nudge him and peer in the direction of the bait. He'll get the hint. WARNING: Don't do this too often or it could get annoying.
6. When he notices a cute family or comments about his dreams for children on his own, stay calm. Don't freak out, your over-excitement may just scare him out of the thought. Keep your cool and when the timing is right, tell him how you'd love that too.
7. Get all dolled up for him, let him have the remote, make him a nice dinner, and give him the night of his life. At the end of a long tiring but wonderful night when you're about to go to sleep, tell him how fun it will be when you're trying for a baby, and how it will be that much fun every night.
8. At church, let him catch you staring at little kids. Don't stare too long, or you'll look like a stalker, just long enough and with the nicest smile so that he knows, whether he likes it or not, that's what you want more than anything.
9. Hire outside enforcements. A couple he would look up to, but is in a worse situation than you financially. Make friends with them, then let them drop the bomb on you guys and tell you they're pregnant and share how excited they are with you. It may not work the first time, but after about the 3rd or 4th couple it's sure to strike a chord. This especially works with best friend couples with good babies, so you may have to invest some time and research.
10.Turn he tables. Halt everything you've been doing, and all of the positive vibes toward kids. Tell him you change your mind, you're not sure when you want to have kids and that maybe you two should wait awhile. He'll wonder why your mind has changed and it'll bring the idea of kids to the front of his mind. Then he'll always be the one bringing up the topic. That's when you POUNCE! Catch him while he's down and jump on his team, agree with him and he'll think the whole idea was his!
Got any others?
And FYI, if I don't post for a few days after this, send a search crew. My husband found it and I am dead.
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