The Perfect Age Pt. 1 (RE-POST)

I'm still debating... And thinking a lot. I've got a lot of big, ginormous, questions and ideas on children swimming around in my head, but I'm amidst sorting them out right now and I'm not allowed to post them all (I'm sort of on censorship probation right now with you-know-who). All of these things have put me in a sort-of blogging lull, and I've decided to go on strike.

Just kidding... Kind of.

I'm doing my first ever re-post... Of something I wrote a few weeks after starting my blog. It's for those who are new (which is like all of you cause only like 2 people read my blog back then-- I was one of them). I was, as I am still now, debating a lot about "timing" and "age." Here is my original post, and below the second set of stars is my updated thoughts from today, 5 months later.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok ok, obviously the time is different for everyone and from what I've hear you're never really "ready," but for the sake of my blog, humor me a little while I compare and contrast.

As of now I'm thinking I'll be in my 20s when I have my first child, but that has fluctuated over my four years of marriage. I have no intentions of being in my 40s but early 30s could be a possibility. Here are some interesting tidbits I learned from a very long article.

20s

-"Physically, the 20s are the ideal time for pregnancy," doctors say. Because your body is primed to handle the demands of carrying a baby.
-You're less likely to have pregnancy complications or babies with Down Syndrome.
-You can also grow up with your child (I'm personally not a fan of that idea, I can't imagine having a teenager before I'm 40... SCARY!!!
-Mentally: A lot of my (non-LDS) friends won't have kids yet, and I may have to put my career/advanced education on hold for awhile.
-Also, still relatively new in a marriage, we'd have to make sure we plan more time for each other.

Stories:

Carla (was 21)-The down side: Being a young mom means that it's hard not to be selfish about my time. I used to sleep in, read, or watch TV whenever I wanted and go out with friends any night I pleased. All these freedoms go away when you're a parent.

The good side: Bouncing back after pregnancies is easier when you're younger. I've gotten down to my starting weight after each one. Two weeks after I had Aliza I was in a bridesmaid dress.

I'm happy that my kids have young grandparents -- they're all in their 50s -- and seven great-grandparents. I'm always calling my mom and mother-in-law for advice

Samantha (was 25)- My career had been important to me -- I was just starting out and was very ambitious. But during my maternity leave, I realized that motherhood was what life was about for me right now.

My friends hadn't had kids yet. Some of my closest mom friends are women in their 30s and 40s whom I met in the neighborhood or at playgroups. They were eager to take me under their wing and share their wisdom.

There are times when Chris and I hear about all the wild things our single friends are doing and we're envious. But then something magical happens at home with our boys and we're reminded that we have such a full life to be thankful for.

30s

-At higher risk of developing certain complications. But the majority of healthy women still have uneventful pregnancies at this age. At age 35 there's 1/200 chance of having a child with Down Syndrome.
-More likely to have a C-section
-Mentally: I've had time for myself and my marriage, and I've accomplished some professional goals. This could give peace of mind if wanting to take a break to spend time with spawn.
-It'll be easier to find a support group of pregnant friends and get advice.

Stories:

Carol (was 30)- Good side: Financial stability -- we own our own apartment now, and we've got some money saved for Emily's education. It also meant that Emily doesn't have to compete with my career. I put so much time and energy into my job in my 20s that I felt like I was able to step back a little once I had her. I found a new position within the company that allows me to work at home sometimes, so I can spend more time with her.

Because we waited to have kids, our parents are all retired or about to retire, which means I get a lot of help! My parents-in-law watch Emily every day while I'm at work.

(apparently she had no down sides)

Erica (was 36)- I'm glad that I had time to be spontaneous, go out with friends, and travel before having kids -- it's a lot harder to get out of the house and do things when you have a baby. And I feel like I'm a better person for having had the experiences I did before having Lena. I just hope that she'll feel the same way and that she'll keep me young.

40s

-Having a baby in your 40s is common these days, and the majority of older mothers have totally normal pregnancies. Still, the risk of complications rises after age 40.
-This is crazy: If you're physically fit, eat well, and don't have preexisting health conditions such as diabetes or hypertension, your overall risk of other pregnancy complications isn't markedly higher than that of a woman in her 20s or 30s.
-The self-confidence and perspective you've picked up in your life may make you more patient in dealing with a demanding newborn.

Story:

Andrea (was 44)-Down sides: My friends' children are now in college, so I'm completely out of sync! They went through all the sleepless nights and playdates and pediatrician appointments years ago -- and I'm just starting. I honestly don't feel my age at all, but I realize that as I get older it's going to become more challenging.

I thought being older would mean that I'd be more prepared for motherhood. I was centered, had traveled extensively, had eaten in all the best restaurants, and had bought all the clothes I wanted. But honestly, the experience of the two of them brings me to my knees. I wouldn't have been more prepared at 144.

As of now I'm saying the perfect age is..... (Drumroll please)...... 30!! Not in 30s but 30. That'll give me another 7 years to get where I want to be in my career, hopefully have a Master's Degree, and I'll have been married for *gasp* 12 years!! -Do I think that'll happen? No, but as of today,that's my story and I'm sticking to it. (Ask me again tomorrow).

I'd love to hear your stories!! I'd love to see personal examples from people in 20s 30s and 40s! (Or opinions of why you'd prefer one over another).

-Also, if you'd like to read more about pregnancy in each age group here's a few more articles.

*****

Well, I'm not thinking 30 is my lucky age anymore... No, at this point I'll be happy if I make it to 25. Today I've got the baby itch more than ever. I may not be rich, or have the Lexus I always wanted (for awhile), but something's telling me I'll still be able to accomplish the things I want to... Maybe even more so with a little one.

I don't think it'll be easy, but I think it'll be possible. And I think that's what I want. Motherhood won't take the ambition out of me... Like I always imagined it would, I think that's in my blood, and no magic number, small or large will change me.

Did you like the age you were when you became a mother? Future Mamas... What age are you currently in love with?

The Scary Regret

I try to live my life with no regrets. From time to time there are little things I wish I didn't say or do, but overall, I don't have (m)any major regrets. That's not to say things haven't been difficult. Thinking about how we bought our condo just a year and a half before a major recession and housing crisis doesn't give my stomach the best feeling, but we felt good about it. I have to keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. Luckily we found a great renter, and we're praying she'll stay another year.

Moving half-way across the country wasn't easy. Sometimes we miss our family and friends, and wonder why we left... But I know if we didn't move here I'd be complaining about the snow, and wondering worlds of "what ifs" about moving. And I'm actually liking Austin... A lot. I think I could actually make this place home.

I've never regretted getting married when I did. In fact, I think that was probably the best decision I've made in my life. I was young, two weeks short of my 19th birthday, but I knew that I was not making a mistake.

Now I'm approaching life's next stage, one of the final stages of adulthood...Parenting, and I can't help but think about all of the timing questions and what I'll think after--Years after. Everyone always says "it'll change your life" I know that... That's part of the reason why you choose to take that step. Many people then say "...But I wouldn't trade [baby name] for the world." I'm so glad that's the case, I'd feel bad if you regretted your decision. But occasionally I do get the response "If I could do it over and get the same children I probably would have waited longer," and that is what scares me. Hindsight is great when it comes to things you'll have a chance to do over... But going from being a non-parent to being a parent is kind of a one-time thing. So the only reasonable solution I can think of is learning from the wise.

Only once has someone told me "If I could do it over I wouldn't have waited as long to have children." If my memory serves me correctly he had had several kids, all were grown, but apparently he and his wife waited a few years.

I LOVE all of the time I'm getting to spend with my Boo right now. He makes me breakfast, when I come home for lunch he's making me something yummy, and dinner time we'll eat together and watch a favorite TV show or movie. We've never got to spend as much time together as we do now, (though our first year of marriage we took four classes together and that was probably pretty close) and I'm realizing this fun quality time at home and little cheap outings around town is just as treasured as the fun big trips (which we don't get to do often anyway). What's one more person joining in on the fun?

While I'm really enjoying our pre-parenting stage of life, and not stressing about our future as much, I do wonder... Will I regret waiting or not waiting? Five, ten or fifteen years from now, will I look back and think "I could have waited longer?" And what do I want for my children? Do I want my little girls to grow up, get married and have babies when they're still young themselves? Or do I wish for them minds off boys, instead focusing successful careers and bettering themselves? Whatever it is, shouldn't I at least give myself that same advice?

The Perfect Age--Poll Results

In my quest to find the perfect age to have a child I asked many of you! 188 people voted, and here are the results:
Age Results

20-25	59 (31%)
25-29	93 (49%)
30-35	31 (16%)
35-39	4 (2%)
Older	1 (0%)

I'm with the group that voted 25-29 but I obviously don't know from experience, I'm just guessing. I'm REALLY surprised how many think younger than 25 is the perfect age, but happy to know that if I did have a kid now 31% of you wouldn't think I'm crazy. My mom said she felt 30 was the perfect age for her... That's when she had her 4th child though! I wonder if that's the opinion of several women who had their first child real young and had others several years later.

I'd love to talk to the one person who said older than 39! Talk about a minority!

Why did you choose the age you did? And if you didn't, tell me what you would have chosen. I'm really curious to know what most people see as the perfect age. I know it's different for everyone, but I'm interested in knowing an average agreement.

******
Nightly Notion
******

Hello! Ok, on another topic now. I'm thinking of starting a second post every night with my feelings of that day on the parenting thing because seriously, I swear, every day I have a different experience and different emotions about the whole thing. I don't want to bombard everyone with a million posts every week so for now I'm just going to add it to the end of the post of the day.

Today I feel exhausted. I'm really mad at myself because I can't stay awake and all I want to do is sleep. That's not a bad thing right? Well it is if you want to BLOG! I haven't been thinking much about babies today. Oh wait... I did once while I was at WalMart. I saw this gift card with cute little baby booties on them and got all dewy-eyed.

I'm not feeling like I want kids today. Nope, I'm too tired for kids today. Maybe tomorrow I'll change my mind.

The Economy is Effecting Pregnancy Plans

A friend of mine sent me a story from MSNBC and it really made me stop and think... I'm not alone.

The economy is taking a toll on everyone, and it's making people like myself think twice about "the right time" to expand our family. We've been hit hard this week with economy problems. I hate it but I really feel like it's putting a damper on my plans.

*note added 1/30 By "damper" and "hit hard" I mean we've recently gone from two incomes to one and I can't imagine going from hardly taking care of myself to taking care of a whole nother being... Not to mention the stress! BUT I if I get an impression that having a child is what I'm suppose to do right now, I imagine I'd be able to take that leap of faith.*

Here are some interesting parts of the article I found:

Birth rates do tend to drop in times of economic uncertainty. There was a dramatic decline in fertility rates following the Great Depression in the 1930s, when, for the first time in U.S. history, women went from having an average of three children the previous decade to two.

In each year after the country’s last four recessions, general fertility rates — calculated as the number of women of child-bearing age per thousand who gave birth — dipped slightly. For example, in the year following the 1973-1975 recession, fertility rates dropped from 68.8 in 1973 to 65 in 1976...

Without a doubt, in good economic times or bad, raising a child is an expensive proposition. According to “Expenditures on Children by Families,” an annual report put out by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, a middle-class family making more than $77,100 will spend nearly $300,000 raising a child from birth to age 17 — and that doesn’t even take into account college tuition or inflation.

And here's a story I found to be so interesting:

Michelle and Paul Anderson, two Seattle-based high-tech professionals, were delighted to learn they were pregnant with their first child earlier this year, until they both found themselves laid off from their jobs and paying out-of-pocket for health insurance.

Friends and relatives, cash-strapped themselves, haven’t been able to help with baby gifts as much as they anticipated. “Being pregnant makes this very stressful on both of us,” says Anderson. We have trouble sleeping and we worry all the time.”

I can't believe that!... But I can. Times are tough and it's scary/hard enough to bring a soul into this world, imagine not being able to support a family.

It makes sense to me... The correlation between the bad economy and lower birth rates. Would it change your plans? Some people say "What's one more mouth to feed?" And other's say "You'll never have enough money anyway." Regardless, tough times make for tough decisions when it comes to growing a family.

It's really going to take a giant leap of faith in order for me to take the plunge with times being the way they are now.

Let me know what you think vote in the poll on this topic and feel free to elaborate in a comment.

You can read the full article here.

The Trip That Could Change My Life

Ok maybe I'm being a little mellow dramatic. Did I say next week in my previous post? My bad! Cause I meant this Saturday!! I'm going on a cruise with my husband. We're going to the Caribbean. I've been looking forward to this for years! It's a 7 night cruise. The reason I say it could change my life is because I think this could be a determining moment where I decide whether I'm loving the life without kids and want to travel and focus on my career for a little longer... Or that I love seeing all the cute families together on the ship and yearn for that "family completeness."

I've completed my shopping, including a different bikini (oh scandalous I know, but might as well enjoy my hot body while it lasts) for each day, and a nice dress for dinner each night. Saying I'm excited would be an understatement. My bags are already packed and I am so ready for this, I'm just really interested in knowing how I'll feel about a family when I come back.

Right now I'm really in a complacent mood. I'm feeling "what's the rush?" I mean really, I've met a lot of great women who waited until they were in their 30s to start having children and their kids are healthy, and they have more time to spend with them. Lord knows I've had my money struggles, but most of all I want to have the time to spend with my kids and sometimes time = money. And for the record, I love my career but not enough to put in before my family. I know I'll never have "enough money" either but it's not about career or money as much as it is about me feeling young and not quite mentally stable ready (which you may be grasping from some of my earlier posts).

But we'll see what happens. I really don't feel compelled one way or another right now. I still love browsing through the baby section but I don't feel the urge I normally feel. I just feel... Fine.

I'm finding it's really nice being able to express my feelings about the matter here. Being open and honest about it has really given me a chance to stop and think things through.

I'm excited for this trip, and I'm excited to see how I feel about this whole child situation when I get back!

The Rabbits

I knew the time would come but I didn't think it would be this soon... My friends are spawning their second before I have one.

Forget the list of friend's without kids... in a few more years I'll have a list of friends with less than 3 kids! What the eff? No really, I'm happy for them. So very very happy. It's just really weirding me out!

Here's how the conversations have been going:
Friend: "Hey did you know [insert name] is pregnant?"
Me: Again?

Yes again. And I feel like I'm watching a ship loaded with my friends sail away from me--To the land of rabbits.

There is a bright light at the end of the tunnel though. Other friends, same age, are still looking for that special someone. One may think they're "behind in the game" but really, they're just able to take notes.

Take my friend Paul for example. He's sent a few girls on missions, graduated college, got a great sense of humor, is good looking, open to marriage and he's still single. He has no sympathy for me when I tell him I feel behind.

It's times like these where I ESPECIALLY have to remember timing is different for everyone. My time will come, and so will Paul's, no matter how far behind we are.

The Urge

Why am I even contemplating creating spawn? I'm asking myself the same question. About two and a half years ago I worked at a credit union in Utah County. I worked with several other women who were a year or two older than me. I only worked there for a month, but just about everyday we'd get into a conversation about having kids. They pretty much wanted to get pregnant right then and there. I, on the other hand couldn't understand why. I couldn't wrap my brain around the idea of having a child at 22 or 23. It just seemed so young to me. I didn't want to hear the excuse "when you get older complications... blah blah blah" cause we all know the serious risk isn't until you're in your mid 30s. I know marriage can get... Mundane if you let it, after a few years. I've been married four years (on Tuesday!) and while we have a lot of fun together I can imagine it being more fun and entertaining with a little one.

Now when I stop and really think about why I want to have a kid relatively soon (2010, I'll be 25) I can only think of a few honest reasons:
1. It's going to be dang cute... I try not to say this too much cause I'm afraid I'll jinx myself into a weird-looking baby. But seriously, I can't wait to see what a little mini-us looks like. It's exciting.
2. No more boring life. Sometimes I'm mad cause I wish my car could be a transformer or my husband was a vampire... You know, the cool stuff. I easily get bored if I don't have a lot of things on my plate... Have a baby... problem solved!

3. Everyone else is doing it! (Aka: I'm jealous)

Sounds like the best reasons to have a kid right?

Aren't I suppose to feel like "I want to learn what it's like to sacrifice" "I want to learn patience" "I am excited to take care of another soul" "I'm ready to say goodbye to the life of a young free flying bird that goes wherever she pleases only worrying about my adjacent soulmate"? I'm not sure I'm--No, wait... I KNOW I'm not ready for any of that. But I've still got the urge!

It's like I'm hypnotized! I asked my husband for a blessing so I wouldn't be hypnotized anymore and he just laughed at me!

On the other hand, when I do the math and calculate that having a child at 27 would be a great wonderful age, but another 4 years seems like so long! What the heck am I going to do with myself for another 4 years? I love my husband but heck... I may get bored! I guess I can work on advancing more in my career, but do you even understand how hard it is seeing all of your friends having cute little kids and posting cute little stories and stuff? On one hand I want that too, but on the other hand, I think "I WILL have that too, just not now, and when I do, their kids will be bratty teenagers." But really, that's just to make myself feel better.

Why now? What is it that makes me want a kid so soon? And how in the world do I keep myself from jumping on the bandwagon?

Last week one of my dear friends called me asking the same questions so we talked about "the urge." Talking things through with her made me think I should take my own advice: Make personal goals to achieve before having kids, make plans to do things as a couple, maybe things you couldn't do with kids. Basically keep busy, and enjoy the time without kids because this is the one and ONLY ever time you have with just you and your spouse. Really, it's the ONLY time you'll have that... EVER (without having to worry about babbysitters and what not). Consider yourself special, because you have what many married couples don't... being childfree. And once you start you can't go back, ever ever ever EVER!

The thing that helps me the most is really realizing that and really trying to enjoy this young married couple time we have now, and living it to the fullest. I hope that works.

Any other tips?

The Best Age to Have a Baby Pt.2

Since my first post I've been getting more interesting stories... here's one:

Danielle (was 29): I waited that long because (first off I wasn’t married until I was 24) I wanted to get my degree, have a career, travel, etc w/o having to worry about and take care of kids. Plus I thought it was best for my husband and I to have US time before having kids. We love our daughter but even now I think we could have waited longer. I wasn’t in a rush and I’m not in a rush to have another but someday would like a second child. It just felt like the right time when we did have her. And it was planned. Got off the pill for a couple months and then whamo bammo. Pregnant.
The reason why I say we could have waited longer is because my husband and I both liked our jobs. We enjoyed the work and enjoyed the money we made. We knew once we had kids that I would either not work at all or I would stay home. I now work part time and had to switch job paths because of that and the money is decent but we’re nowhere near what I was making. So we’ve had to make some changes in our money spending and saving. It’s not bad, just very different. Went from buying what I wanted when I wanted because I knew had the money to logging into my account to see how much I have in case I wanted to get something. Blessing in disguise, I guess. It’s taught me more about budgeting and should something happen down the road we’re better off because of this experience that I know we’d be okay.
Ups - everything - even the bad stuff is an up because I get to experience it
Downs - at times it’s stressful, I’m sleep deprived, feel like I’m constantly doing something, underappreciated, takes a lot more time/money to travel, can’t pee without an audience, need a break once in a while Anything else?

The Perfect Age to Have a Baby

Ok ok, obviously the time is different for everyone and from what I've hear you're never really "ready," but for the sake of my blog, humor me a little while I compare and contrast.

As of now I'm thinking I'll be in my 20s when I have my first child, but that has fluctuated over my four years of marriage. I have no intentions of being in my 40s but early 30s could be a possibility. Here are some interesting tidbits I learned from a very long article.

20s

-"Physically, the 20s are the ideal time for pregnancy," doctors say. Because your body is primed to handle the demands of carrying a baby.
-You're less likely to have pregnancy complications or babies with Down Syndrome.
-You can also grow up with your child (I'm personally not a fan of that idea, I can't imagine having a teenager before I'm 40... SCARY!!!
-Mentally: A lot of my (non-LDS) friends won't have kids yet, and I may have to put my career/advanced education on hold for awhile.
-Also, still relatively new in a marriage, we'd have to make sure we plan more time for each other.

Stories:

Carla (was 21)-The down side: Being a young mom means that it's hard not to be selfish about my time. I used to sleep in, read, or watch TV whenever I wanted and go out with friends any night I pleased. All these freedoms go away when you're a parent.

The good side: Bouncing back after pregnancies is easier when you're younger. I've gotten down to my starting weight after each one. Two weeks after I had Aliza I was in a bridesmaid dress.

I'm happy that my kids have young grandparents -- they're all in their 50s -- and seven great-grandparents. I'm always calling my mom and mother-in-law for advice

Samantha (was 25)- My career had been important to me -- I was just starting out and was very ambitious. But during my maternity leave, I realized that motherhood was what life was about for me right now.

My friends hadn't had kids yet. Some of my closest mom friends are women in their 30s and 40s whom I met in the neighborhood or at playgroups. They were eager to take me under their wing and share their wisdom.

There are times when Chris and I hear about all the wild things our single friends are doing and we're envious. But then something magical happens at home with our boys and we're reminded that we have such a full life to be thankful for.

30s

-At higher risk of developing certain complications. But the majority of healthy women still have uneventful pregnancies at this age. At age 35 there's 1/200 chance of having a child with Down Syndrome.
-More likely to have a C-section
-Mentally: I've had time for myself and my marriage, and I've accomplished some professional goals. This could give peace of mind if wanting to take a break to spend time with spawn.
-It'll be easier to find a support group of pregnant friends and get advice.

Stories:

Carol (was 30)- Good side: Financial stability -- we own our own apartment now, and we've got some money saved for Emily's education. It also meant that Emily doesn't have to compete with my career. I put so much time and energy into my job in my 20s that I felt like I was able to step back a little once I had her. I found a new position within the company that allows me to work at home sometimes, so I can spend more time with her.

Because we waited to have kids, our parents are all retired or about to retire, which means I get a lot of help! My parents-in-law watch Emily every day while I'm at work.

(apparently she had no down sides)

Erica (was 36)- I'm glad that I had time to be spontaneous, go out with friends, and travel before having kids -- it's a lot harder to get out of the house and do things when you have a baby. And I feel like I'm a better person for having had the experiences I did before having Lena. I just hope that she'll feel the same way and that she'll keep me young.

40s

-Having a baby in your 40s is common these days, and the majority of older mothers have totally normal pregnancies. Still, the risk of complications rises after age 40.
-This is crazy: If you're physically fit, eat well, and don't have preexisting health conditions such as diabetes or hypertension, your overall risk of other pregnancy complications isn't markedly higher than that of a woman in her 20s or 30s.
-The self-confidence and perspective you've picked up in your life may make you more patient in dealing with a demanding newborn.

Story:

Andrea (was 44)-Down sides: My friends' children are now in college, so I'm completely out of sync! They went through all the sleepless nights and playdates and pediatrician appointments years ago -- and I'm just starting. I honestly don't feel my age at all, but I realize that as I get older it's going to become more challenging.

I thought being older would mean that I'd be more prepared for motherhood. I was centered, had traveled extensively, had eaten in all the best restaurants, and had bought all the clothes I wanted. But honestly, the experience of the two of them brings me to my knees. I wouldn't have been more prepared at 144.

As of now I'm saying the perfect age is..... (Drumroll please)...... 30!! Not in 30s but 30. That'll give me another 7 years to get where I want to be in my career, hopefully have a Master's Degree, and I'll have been married for *gasp* 12 years!! -Do I think that'll happen? No, but as of today,that's my story and I'm sticking to it. (Ask me again tomorrow).

I'd love to hear your stories!! I'd love to see personal examples from people in 20s 30s and 40s! (Or opinions of why you'd prefer one over another).

-Also, if you'd like to read more about pregnancy in each age group here's a few more articles.